Close male friend's partner doesn't seem to like me

[neverendingqueue]

Amd it's affecting out friendship.
We're friends for over ten years.
I was married and even when I was , our friendship never changed. We work together.
Friend and I are always texting and chatting
And confide in each other about the usual bits and pieces in life.
He is with partner four years and they are happy and live together.
He is asexual, she isn't but has accepted this is the way things are.
Their business.
I've met her once.
My friend and I were chatting and laughing about something. My own partner was there too but at the bar at the time.
She physically moved her body in between the two of us , put her arms around his waist and started talking to him... literally her back to me.
He was mortified and so was I so I quickly moved away.
The rest of the night she literallly hung off him making sure we couldn't talk. It was weird .
I was due with another friend to dry at theirs for a night out recently . Other friend could t make it so he cancelled it. Cancelled me coming on my own which we would always have done previously.
He was a little mcomfortable saying it . I was fine and didn't acknowledge how unusual it was for us but it transpires that she wasn't going to be there so maybe she would t allow it .
I'm ten years older than him, absolutely no threat whatsoever , plain and a bit frumpy. She is gorgous and glam
So no jealousy there I expect 😂
What do you think happened ?
He won't ' go there' with me.

What do you think a crush is?

So he has plenty of money, I guess he just doesn’t love her enough for either therapy or ivf/artificial insemination. Poor woman, I expect she will regret choosing him.

He put you on a pedestal and sends texts to you all the time. I imagine she finds that really annoying. Who wouldn’t?

Allosexual, person who does feel sexual attraction.

You sound totally over invested in your friendship with this man ...... he probably loves the 'attention' of two women who seem to both want to be the 'favourite' whatever his/their sexual preferences are. And the fact that he is so wealthy is relevant, it's as if you are both hanging around to see what 'treats' are on offer. Do friends adults really have 'best friends'?

Why didn't you just back off, make other friends ... do other things with your life.

And it's very self absorbed to say that she has 'no reason not to like you'. People don't need a 'reason' not to want to be friends with someone ... I meet new people all the time, some I gel with some I don't.... I don't need to agonise over people who don't want our friendship to go any further than polite pleasantries.

People on this thread do not seem to understand that asexual does not mean aromantic. Good lord. An asexual person can feel romantic love.

ideally, his partner would also be asexual, and that’s a problem and a mismatch if she isn’t.

what is the mumsnet craze for piling on an op, making up stories and attacking them? So bizarre.

@neverendingqueue
Are you some weird troll or something, I tried reading more of the thread, but the aphopia is just too much.
The readon I’m asking because you make it as he’s your long term dear friend and not once have you call out people on their aphopic comments.
What kind of a friend doesn’t do that?
People talk in horrible way about your friend (and other asexuals) and you just ignore that!
No emotions.
So, either you’re a bad friend or this is a troll.

What do you mean about he had a crush on you? I imagine she is a gold digger because there seems nothing else to be in a relationship for, especially if she's so stunning. He sounds like he loves to have a load of hangers on telling him how wonderful and deep and special he is.

Why are you still hanging out with this guy when it causes so much discomfort to his wife?
I would be going out of my way to avoid him.
Maybe you're secretly flattered by the fact he pays you attention, despite having a 'gorgeous' wife? Don't be the 'pick me girl'!

This.

And also, the woman the op’s friend is dating sounds toxic as hell!
I mean she wanted to change him!
I can’t believe people gloss over that one.
People do know what that means right? Rape.

@gamerchick

Has it Sussed all out,

With Bells on

@IWishIWasABaller

Spot on too 👌 with insight too

I asked him for us to cool down the friendship as it was verging in inapproprte contact as I was married and he did pull back

You should take your own advice OP and step back.

But the GF should run for the hills, poor thing.

The OP's friend told her he was asexual before meeting his partner, I think? That's entirely appropriate. And there are a lot of posters on this thread who seem wilfully ignorant about what asexuality entails. If you don't know about it, it's not your place to offer advice or speculate about whether it's real or not.

The issue is that OP's friend's partner is obviously unhappy and insecure in a relationship with someone she's incompatible with. I don't even think he's dicking her around, she knows what the deal is - her partner is asexual, doesn't want kids and doesn't want to marry her. The information is all on the table. She should leave, but that's her/their problem, not the OP's.

"She doesn't like me o think , yet she has no reason not to. "

Yes she does have reason. The fact you can't see this is staggering. I have huge inner confidence and am very settled in my relationship with Dh, never threatened. I am not insecure (and I take offence at the pp who implied she was). But I would not be comfortable with your friendship. At all.

OP you need to do the right thing here and take the lead -

1. create appropriate boundaries now that the basis of your relationship with this friend of your's changed - that happened the day they decided to get involved in the partnership. Stop discussing intimate details of their relationships, it's not appropriate.
2. pull back from too much contact - you're over invested.
3. find new friends if you've got too much time on your hands (it sounds like you do, judging by the minute amount of detail you're going into in your posts).
4. Stop conflating the sexual/non-sexual basis of their relationship, it's distracting from the main point which is that they are in a relationship which you shouldn't question or analyse. You didn't want him so you've forfeited the right to have further involvement, know the detail, comment on their sex life no matter how non-existent he says it is (you aren't with them, you have no way of knowing, neither should you it's none of your business)

TLDR: Just let go, move on.

It's fairly obvious why she's behaving this way, isn't it?

You may think you are unattractive, but obviously your friend finds you deeply attractive/fascinating/wonderful whatever the right description of it is. I suppose if he's asexual, conventional sexual attractiveness doesn't really factor into the equation.

I feel very sorry for her, as her life with him sounds like it will be empty, unfulfilled and sad, marked by disappointments and confusion. Why does he even want to be with her, if he feels he doesn't know her, and they are so different? Is he simply using her as a status symbol? I hope she does herself a favour and leaves him as the whole thing is so unhealthy and sad.

I have completely stayed away and respected that this friendship is something that she doesn't want.
I'm disappointed of course.
Our friendship spans ten years +
It took me a long time to understand a sexuality. In fact o had never heard of it until he told me which was years preceding his relationship.
It was when they were dating in the eel says that he shared his concerns about them.
I never saw myself as a threat for reasons I stated previously.
He had tonnes of friends.. male and female that share his and their lives but the reason I posted is that she seems to have an issue with me specifically.
I have kept away and I will continue to do so. It's not my intention to cause trouble or stress but the reality is that it is he who pursues the friendship more outside work via messages and calls. Just not in person.
That's disappointing but from your posts I understand why now .
Thank you.

The real question is, would either of you be vying for position in his life there was no “substantial inheritance”?

What evidence do you have that the inheritance is true?

Most people in this position wouldn’t mention it. He has used it to gain power and control over you both.

He is triangulating you both… that’s NOT what nice people do.

And discussing his relationship with a number of his colleagues? Very low rent.
He doesn’t appear to have ethics or a moral code.

I agree he sounds like a narcissist. I don’t like the sound of him at all.

it is he who pursues the friendship more outside work via messages and calls. Just not in person

Don't make yourself available then. Don't respond to his "pursuit" of the friendship. You have the choice to create distance so you don't have to be in this ambiguous position of being a friend when the person he's in a relationship with clearly doesn't want you there. Three's a crowd, even if he has a load of others clamouring for his attention. It all sounds exhausting and eroding of self-esteem.

You do this strange thing where people comment about your involvement and you respond back with “he doesn’t fancy me”, “she’s glam” “he pursues our friendship”

it’s like you keep trying to drum a point home that you’re ‘just friends’ but never engaging with the point that you know way too much about their private life and are too invested in a man who is not yours to be invested in

its like this subtle deflection and I can see why she doesn’t like you much if I’m honest

💯

Thank goodness for some voice of reason.

The man has been honest all along, he has done nothing wrong.
I can’t believe people blaming him, nevermind being so rude towards to him.

The woman made a mistake if this isin’t a relationship for her. That’s it.

@neverendingqueue , do you even support his asexuality?

Wow the lack of knowledge about asexuality here is staggering.

It exists on a spectrum, and yes asexual people can have feelings for people, but there's no sexual side to it. Some are sex repulsed. Some are demisexual and only feel sexual urges once love has been established. It sounds like he is sex repulsed.

I feel sorry for him actually, you're clearly good friends and now he's going to have to make a choice. Is his partner clingy in the same way when it's other men he's talking to, or only women?

Here's some terminology for the clueless folks:

Aromantic - someone who doesn't experience romantic feelings. Is sometimes present in ace people too. Some allosexuals are Aromantic which is why they might be comfortable with casual sex or FWB arrangements. Can he shortened as "aro."

Allosexual - someone who experiences sexual urges. Can be shortened to "allo."

Asexual - someone who doesn't experience sexual feelings, or only under certain circumstances. Can be seen alongside someone who is asexual. Can be shortened as "ace."

Demisexual: someone who only experiences sexual urges once love is established. Can be shortened as "demi."

Asexual people experience intimacy in different ways. For example, when they share personal things about themselves, or open up to you about things, this can be classed as intimacy for an asexual person. An ace friend of mine told me that when she and I talk about her worries and vulnerabilities, how important the things in her life are that make her happy, THAT is the intimacy that she chooses to share. The trust she shows me by sharing things. Most people simply consider this normal friendship, but we still apparently can't handle people of opposing genders being friends, which is so utterly ridiculous.

Your friend and you are clearly very close. The fact that he shares things with you that he might not with her, will probably upset her because it's an emotional level of intimacy that he might not share with her.

She is clearly jealous, and allosexuals can't really grasp that others don't feel anything sexually, so the very moment an ace partner seems close with someone of an opposing gender, it will likely make them feel inadequate.

Why are people feeling sorry for the girlfriend?
She knew the situation, in that OPs friend didn't want the sexual element in a relationship, and yet the girlfriend was trying to change that? Now she's controlling who he can be friends with?

Why would a woman, who wants sex, marriage and kids, stay with a (wealthy) man, who doesn't want any of that?

The asexual point is a red herring used to unfairly demonise the wife.

I understand generally venting to a friend about sexual incompatibility.

But... Even if my partner and I were both equally ragingly horny, but had a disagreement on what type of sex acts we each prefer, I wouldn't want my husband's female bestie saying this about me:

"He did tell her from the beginning that pussy eating was off the cards and while he loves her and her body , the physical acts surrounding eating her out repulse him.

It's like he enjoys the visuals but the acts turn his stomach."

If she knows this level of detail about our sex life and much more, plus if they're always texting 24/7 and working together... Well, my relationship preferences don't extend to a threesome 🤣

@discobrain Asexual people experience intimacy in different ways. For example, when they share personal things about themselves, or open up to you about things, this can be classed as intimacy for an asexual person. An ace friend of mine told me that when she and I talk about her worries and vulnerabilities, how important the things in her life are that make her happy, THAT is the intimacy that she chooses to share. The trust she shows me by sharing things. Most people simply consider this normal friendship, but we still apparently can't handle people of opposing genders being friends, which is so utterly ridiculous.

Your friend and you are clearly very close. The fact that he shares things with you that he might not with her, will probably upset her because it's an emotional level of intimacy that he might not share with her.

I'm confused by your comment! Most people experience intimacy from emotionally opening up too. You seem to be saying it's on a heightened and more intense level for asexuals, fair enough, but then you go on to say it's just normal friendship between OP and the friend, but then you state it's a level of emotional intimacy OP's friend doesn't share with his wife.... = ????

If emotional intimacy (with a life partner) means that much to asexuals, surely they would regard the private details of their relationship (not just sex, all the other ins and outs OP has regaled us with) with even more reverence? Are you saying they're more loose-lipped with what they consider emotional intimacy, because they view it as the equivalent of physical intimacy (so something like an FWB arrangement)?! That doesn't make sense because you don't usually have sex with friends.

Yes, friendships exist separately from romantic relationships, but surely what sets both apart for everyone (including asexuals, and maybe apart from aromantics) is that emotional intimacy occurs on a far higher level with life partners than in romantic relationships.

Anyway, if he wants emotional "intimacy" with OP, by all means go ahead (though then maybe think about who he really wants as life partner)... But if your idea of "intimacy" involves sharing lots of details about someone else's (wife's) hurt, frustration, inadequacy in bed, etc, that is not really fair game as a human being, whatever sexual orientation you subscribe to. The appropriate sexual orientation there would be "wanker".