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Original poster

Close male friend's partner doesn't seem to like me

131 replies

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 16:43

Amd it's affecting out friendship.
We're friends for over ten years.
I was married and even when I was , our friendship never changed. We work together.
Friend and I are always texting and chatting
And confide in each other about the usual bits and pieces in life.
He is with partner four years and they are happy and live together.
He is asexual, she isn't but has accepted this is the way things are.
Their business.
I've met her once.
My friend and I were chatting and laughing about something. My own partner was there too but at the bar at the time.
She physically moved her body in between the two of us , put her arms around his waist and started talking to him... literally her back to me.
He was mortified and so was I so I quickly moved away.
The rest of the night she literallly hung off him making sure we couldn't talk. It was weird .
I was due with another friend to dry at theirs for a night out recently . Other friend could t make it so he cancelled it. Cancelled me coming on my own which we would always have done previously.
He was a little mcomfortable saying it . I was fine and didn't acknowledge how unusual it was for us but it transpires that she wasn't going to be there so maybe she would t allow it .
I'm ten years older than him, absolutely no threat whatsoever , plain and a bit frumpy. She is gorgous and glam
So no jealousy there I expect 😂
What do you think happened ?
He won't ' go there' with me.

OP posts:
feelingcadoubleledlove · 31/01/2023 20:24

Sunset6 · 31/01/2023 20:03

Allosexual means anybody who isn’t asexual apparently. You learn something new every day!

I just can't with all these stupid words for things we already have words for

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2023 20:27

In what do they seem happy? And given how close you are why have you only met her once in 4 years? Don’t you celebrate birthdays? Have each other over for meals?

Noonesperfect · 31/01/2023 20:41

I feel sorry for this woman. He doesn't seem to have much respect for her. Always discussing her with friends and worried she's after his money. Sounds like he's really up himself to me. If I were her I'd ditch him!

Original poster
neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 20:45

He doesn't want to blend us or at least involve her in his life with me although she is very involved in his family life .

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2023 20:48

Well that’s not very open or transparent of him so you can see why she’s suspicious…

rellway · 31/01/2023 20:52

I would be furious if my partner discussed the intricacies of our relationship with a friend like this. Absolutely furious. He sounds like a total dickhead with the self-awareness of a flea.

Original poster
neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 20:56

I actually think he doesn't get it ! He's never had a sexual
Relationship so he doesn't understand how private and precious these things are and he doesn't discuss those things anymore. That was at the beginning when they were starting to date , years ago.

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 31/01/2023 20:57

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 20:45

He doesn't want to blend us or at least involve her in his life with me although she is very involved in his family life .

That is code for he still fancies you and is essentially making your whole thing his dirty little secret.

His poor partner. What a twat he is

CalistoNoSolo · 31/01/2023 21:00

The more you update the more empathy I feel for her and the less I like you and your 'close friend'. He is a grade a twat and you're making excuses for him.

saraclara · 31/01/2023 21:04

That poor woman. Him being asexual (or whatever it is that makes it impossible for him to have sex) makes all the difference to this situation. She has nothing to mark her out as special to him, so it's absolutely understandable that she finds your friendship difficult. She's given up a sex life and the chance to have children, yet she still has nothing to show for being his love partner rather than, like you, a friend.

I have a male best friend, so generally have little time for a wife who's jealous of a friend relationship. But honestly, in your position I'd step back a bit from the friendship. He's being unfair to her.

MichelleScarn · 31/01/2023 21:06

rellway · 31/01/2023 20:52

I would be furious if my partner discussed the intricacies of our relationship with a friend like this. Absolutely furious. He sounds like a total dickhead with the self-awareness of a flea.

This, he sounds like a that. All that personal info sharing with you. I'd be furious. Does he tell you that he is so happy that he can be so open with you, and you 'get him'?

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 31/01/2023 21:07

Tbh I feel like you know exactly why she doesn’t like you
he’s awful and you kinda seem a bit “gosh I just can’t understand why my male best friend who used to fancy me, who refuses to have sex with his girlfriend, dislikes me?? Whatever could it be”

you want us to say she is jealous of you

I don’t think she’s jealous as such as you and him seem off and you know way too much of her business to just be an ‘innocent friend’

MichelleScarn · 31/01/2023 21:07

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 19:58

They seem really happy together and he knows that being asexual is going to be unattractive to many. He did tell her from the beginning that sex was off the cards and while he loves her and his body , the physical acts surrounding sex with women repulse him.
It's like he enjoys the visuals but the acts turn his stomach.
I thought he may have been gay but he says he's not.

Meant to quote this, again how humiliating for her if she knows he's told you her body repulses him.

helloelsie · 31/01/2023 21:09

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 31/01/2023 21:07

Tbh I feel like you know exactly why she doesn’t like you
he’s awful and you kinda seem a bit “gosh I just can’t understand why my male best friend who used to fancy me, who refuses to have sex with his girlfriend, dislikes me?? Whatever could it be”

you want us to say she is jealous of you

I don’t think she’s jealous as such as you and him seem off and you know way too much of her business to just be an ‘innocent friend’

Ditto

Original poster
neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 21:14

He absolutely does not fancy me.
He certainly admires a good looking woman but has no sexual feelings towards them.
His own partner is stunning

OP posts:
Alaldlccmemsjzja · 31/01/2023 21:16

“I’m so plain next to her…altho he did fancy me and I had to tell him to take a step back”

this is actually really transparent of you

saraclara · 31/01/2023 21:17

As I said, my best friend of fifteen years, is male. But I've never once discussed my relationship with my (now late) husband with him. You just don't. Your friend has been very unfair in sharing something so huge about their relationship.

And yes, I lost my husband some years ago now, and my best friend is still just my best friend. (In case any of those posters who say that men and women cannot be platonic friends, are around)

ZenNudist · 31/01/2023 21:17

This whole situation is off and you seem very invested in this "friendship".

I'd pull back from him. It seems as if the friendship is drawing to a natural conclusion and its better you phase him out as right now he is phasing you out.

I don't mean you can't still be friendly if you see him but it a "long time no see" "oh we must meet up" kind of false friendship that doesn't actually make time together. Less embarrassing than stropping off because he's decided to make another woman his BFF.

Original poster
neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 21:21

It is not her or any other woman's body that repulses him, it's the physical act of sex that repulses him.
She has absolutely no reason not to
Like me . None. She doesn't even know me yet when we did meet she was cold and distant so I felt she didn't like me.
Again, I'm old, fat and frumpy.
Attraction is absolutely not there on either side.
We are close friends or at least were very close but maybe not so much anymore , possibly because he actually respects the fact that she doesn't want him to have much contact with me!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 31/01/2023 21:22

I think her self-esteem is in the gutter because he doesn't want a sexual relationship with her but wants to be with her.

Original poster
neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 21:24

Again he did not/ does not fancy me. It was a crush from a friend 6-7 years ago who is asexual. Nothing remotely sexual or attraction based. Just a crush.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 31/01/2023 21:28

I don’t agree you can’t discuss the intricacies of relationships with friends. Surely they’re exactly the people you discuss your relationships with?

that aside, this all sounds weird. Why is she with him when she’s clearly unhappy with so much about their relationship? I don’t feel sorry for her, I think she’s an idiot to still be with him when he clearly can’t give her what she wants. It seems like she has a narrative in her head that he has something with you that he doesn’t with her, but it sounds like she’s projecting her unhappiness with his asexuality onto you. She really needs to dump him, they don’t sound happy or compatible at all.

MichelleScarn · 31/01/2023 21:34

Hmmmm op, She has absolutely no reason not to Like me . None. She doesn't even know me yet when we did meet she was cold and distant so I felt she didn't like me.

I'd be wondering given he'll share so Much of their private life with you) what he tells her of his and your relationship?

Perhaps he's telling her you love him, and he can't shake you off, but you're really sad and fragile so he has to #bekind......

Opentooffers · 31/01/2023 21:45

Op, you are in some denial. How does not being interested in each other at all equate to - "having a crush on me" fit? It doesn't, but it suits you to believe he finds you fat, frumpy and old - which he doesn't, that's just what you tell yourself.
His DP is sadly messed up and has her own issues if she wants DC but willingly enters an asexual relationship- thats mad, though free board smothes it over maybe🤔!
Overall he's clearly an odd fellow - he aims this year to get to know his DP after years of being together lol!!
He's obviously ND, as are those around him. All you can do as a friend is accept the idiosyncrasies of a neurodyvergent person or not - or realise, you might be too if you hadn't noticed after all these years.
It's tricky to advise on unusual relationships. If it works for you on some level just roll with it, if it starts causing you stress, pull back, that's the best you can do maybe.

Grumpusaurus · 31/01/2023 21:49

OP, there is something really off and snide about you.

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