Close male friend's partner doesn't seem to like me

[neverendingqueue]

Amd it's affecting out friendship.
We're friends for over ten years.
I was married and even when I was , our friendship never changed. We work together.
Friend and I are always texting and chatting
And confide in each other about the usual bits and pieces in life.
He is with partner four years and they are happy and live together.
He is asexual, she isn't but has accepted this is the way things are.
Their business.
I've met her once.
My friend and I were chatting and laughing about something. My own partner was there too but at the bar at the time.
She physically moved her body in between the two of us , put her arms around his waist and started talking to him... literally her back to me.
He was mortified and so was I so I quickly moved away.
The rest of the night she literallly hung off him making sure we couldn't talk. It was weird .
I was due with another friend to dry at theirs for a night out recently . Other friend could t make it so he cancelled it. Cancelled me coming on my own which we would always have done previously.
He was a little mcomfortable saying it . I was fine and didn't acknowledge how unusual it was for us but it transpires that she wasn't going to be there so maybe she would t allow it .
I'm ten years older than him, absolutely no threat whatsoever , plain and a bit frumpy. She is gorgous and glam
So no jealousy there I expect 😂
What do you think happened ?
He won't ' go there' with me.

The crush was over texting , too intense, fawning almost but all in anon sexual
Way. A mother figure maybe or even like a big sister. He had me in an unrealistic pedestal and was probably Lonely in retrospect. Is crush the wrong word here ? I don't know but i did say that it wasn't appropriate for me being married at the time.
Snide ? I've been called many things but snide ... never. I'm not snide and I'm very hurt that someone who knows nothing of me would say that.

I was with you until I got to the last bit where you admitted he had a big crush on you. And he stopped because… you asked him to? Aye 😆

Again that YEARS ago ! I asked him for us to cool down the friendship as it was verging in inapproprte contact as I was married and he did pull back and he was hurt but we moved on and became
More like normal friends again.
I feel like I'm not explaining myself very well here.

Has he actually told you they don't have sex? I think he's lying to you about the extent of their intimacy and what their relationship is like. Because that way he manipulates you into thinking your friendship is as meaningful as their relationship - and gets attention and validation from both of you. He know if he was openly crazy about her, your friendship would change as it can never be as close or intimate as it once was - she occupies the space you once did. He did selfishly use you as a surrogate gf previously, but his gf (rightly!) has put her foot down.

I'm not sure you would value his friendship as much if you were't given the same or similar priority as you were previously... And I highly doubt a beautiful, glamorous woman is really going without sex or kids....

He'll be pulling back from you now because he's realised he can't have his cake and eat it too. And his gf's needs have taken precedence over yours.

He sounds like a pretty rubbish human tbh and I feel sorry for both of you.

His sexual relationship with his partner is none of your business OP, regardless of how long you have been friends. IMO you are both crossing a boundary and being disrespectful to his partner.
Despite the fact that you claim to be "just friends" you could not resist mentioning that he previously had a crush on you? You seem overly invested and overly interested in his sexual status, asexual or otherwise, and from the comments you have made about him, you come across as someone who feels that you are more intimate with him than he is with his partner - even if it is just on the level of personal sharing.
It also comes across that you are secretly getting a kick out of the fact that your "special friendship" is making his partner uncomfortable. Maybe it makes you feel special or important? (I personally don't buy the "I am frumpy and she is gorgeous and yet he still had a crush on me" crap).
There is nothing you can do about what an inconsiderate disrespectful twat your friend is, but you can take a step back and have a look at your own behaviour. Only you are in control of whether you choose to be respectful and understanding of this woman who is obviously in a complicated relationship with your friend or continue to be a part the game he is playing with you both.
Do you have self esteem issues in general? Is it that you been hurt in the past by previous relationships, and maybe your "friendship" with this man is a safe version of having an intimate relationship of your own?
There seems to be a lack of self awareness as to how your behaviour might be contributing to this weird dynamic and the way your friend's partner is behaving towards you. If I were you, I would have a look at how your behaviour might affect other people and focus on maybe making some healthier friendships and relationships.

I have reread all of my posts and I've obviously misrepresented the whole thing somehow.
He is a platonic friend, a good man who loves his partner.
She doesn't like me o think , yet she has no reason not to. I've tried to be friendly , make her. Feel comfortable . I am years older than my friend and his partner
And our friendship isn't as close as it once was .. for very good reasons.
I felt she didn't like me. I was disappointed .
I gave context and asked opinion on here s why and I feel that I've been really insulted for no reason here .

This is how people perceive your friendship, OP - it's not insulting. But you might not have the healthiest boundaries between friendship and a relationship. As a good friend, if your friend was regularly discussing his gf and intimate aspects of his relationship - you should have put a stop to it. And not encouraged it by listening and engaging his behaviour.

Why would this woman like you, when she knows you know details about her intimate private life, yet have only ever met her once??? Tbh, you have no idea who she is or what their relationship is like - just what he tells you.

Whatever his reasons, he has decided that your friendship is unhealthy - and not conducive to him having a healthy romantic life. Maybe others have pointed it out, maybe he's had the revelation himself, maybe she's threatened to leave him, or maybe he just hasn't the same need for you now that they've grown closer.

Either way - it will never go back to the way it was, and it's silly to expect a woman you've met just once to warm to you - given how much you and her bf gossip about her private life.

I don't think he is a good man who loves his partner if he expects her to give up so much to be with him. I think he'd be kinder to not be in a relationship with someone who isn't asexual, wants kids and wants marriage, if he's not interested in any of those things. Yes, she has a responsibility to herself as well but he seems selfish to me.

You seem nice but it's obvious that she feels threatened by you, because of your long intimacy with her partner and no doubt knowing of his past infatuation with you. I don't think you see the dynamic clearly because you're too close to it and you view him too kindly.

@category12 has nailed it. Completely agree.

bloody hell - do you really not see your part in this? You say “he actually respects the fact that she doesn’t want him to have much contact with me” while clearly having ZERO respect for that yourself. Instead you’re posting on the internet about how unreasonable she’s being.

You don’t see the fact that “He doesn't want to blend us or at least involve her in his life with me although she is very involved in his family life” as a massive red flag?

You’ve really “tried to make that bond with her” by not spending any time with her for the four years they have been together.

Perhaps you are truly this naive, but otherwise you are giving your ‘friend’ WAY too much credit.

Do you know how women tend to know who their boyfriend/partner/husbands friends are? They are the people our partners introduce to us and with whom we meet up with jointly and regularly. They are people who are keen to embrace us because we are important to their friend.

You asked to meet her repeatedly did you? Really made the effort to get to know her? Never called him out on how unfair he was being to her? Just accepted that he likes to keep you and she separate… Wow.

Friends are not women whom he keeps siloed away, whom we know (or guess) he has/had a crush on, who are happy to spend time with him and message him but show zero interest in ‘sharing’ him, who offer no suggestion that they gives a shit about the fact that he’s in a relationship… that person is not a friend. Not to him. Definitely not to us.

I’ve no idea what you think he’s told her but my bet is that he almost never mentions you and, if she asks him, insists you’re not that important to him. Exactly so he can have this secret relationship with you in the background.

And you think she is being unreasonable? Poor woman.

Your ‘friend’ is a liar. Probably lies to both of you. The fact that you think his behaviour still allows him to wear the mantle of “good man” indicates that you don’t really know him very well, and have little imagination or empathy for the girlfriends situation. So no - she is not unreasonable to dislike you in these circumstances.

OK, I have to give everyone names because it's too complicated. I'm going to call your longterm platonic male friend Andy, his partner Beth, your partner Charles, and your and Andy's other mutual friend Dan.

You tried to make friends with Beth sometime after she started dating Andy, but the one time the two of you met face to face she didn't seem interested. It doesn't sound like Andy and Charles are close either. When the four of you were out together Beth behaved oddly, but it was never addressed by any of you and you haven't seen her since?

Around the same time, Andy invited you and Dan to stay over while Beth was away, but when Dan couldn't make it Andy cancelled and didn't explain why. And it sounds like that meet-up was never rescheduled? (Not sure how long ago all this was, sorry if I missed it.) Andy doesn't talk to you about his relationship with Beth even though he talks to some of his other friends about it. You text Andy less than you used to, but he texts you the same amount.

You're unhappy with your friendship with Andy. Can you talk to him about what you feel has changed -- NOT focusing on Beth, as you barely know here and don't know that this has anything to do with her - and how you'd like the friendship to be different? You can't demand that Beth be friends with you and you can't blame her for Andy's behaviour. Talk to Andy; see if you can work things out. I don't know what you mean by "he won't go there"; if he refuses to talk to you about the issues in your friendship then maybe it's not salvageable. If he won't talk with you about Beth, that's fine - stop talking about her.

I think she’s right to be worried. She’s not worried about your actions necessarily, but his reaction to you. He admitted he had a crush on you at one point. She feels threatened that he might have a thing for you or develop feelings for you. It doesn’t matter if you think it wasn’t a sexual crush. She’s probably begging for confirmation she isn’t 2nd best or a rebound for him. It’s up to him to show that to her.

Definitely this !

I suspect you have explained it all very clearly, but you can't actually see what it is you've explained because you're in the middle of it.

Take a step back and look at it. He went overboard with attention to you, holding you up in a pedestal, yadda, yadda. Yeah we get that it wasn't sexual. But HE's not sexual, so how does what he felt for you at one point differ to what he feels for his "girlfriend" right now? YOU can see that your relationship to him is different to yours with partners because of sex and intimacy. But if there was no sex and intimacy?!

Also, given his inappropriate blabbing to you about his relationship with her, what do you think he has said to her about you, particularly in the beginning? Probably just as inappropriate- under the "but nothing sexual happened" .... but with someone who isn't sexual, again, what the hell difference would she see?

Ultimately OP he’s interested in more of a ‘girlfriend experience’ than a real partner. For some reason he has to have this (closet gay, lazy, addicted to his phone?). She’s his primary supplier of it, but he has you in reserve. He needs this kind of constant, overreaching attention from someone, that’s his priority. Some may call it intimacy or friendship but I wouldn’t, quite, as it’s only there to scratch his particular itch.

I think this is largely a role you’ve been manipulated into which is why you’re confused and can’t quite see it clearly. That’s not how healthy relationships should feel. That’s also why you (perhaps someone who doesn’t usually have such bizarre attachments) are using normal language (‘crush’ etc) to describe it with the niggling sense that that doesn’t quite cover it. That it’s stranger than that.

I think you’re caught up in someone else’s control here OP. He isn’t your friend, not quite. Blink and you’d miss it though. I’m betting he’s a narcissist.

You said you are (or were) always texting and chatting. Things he tells you about their sex/romantic life:

"I know she's found [his asexuality] hurtful and frustrating and she's tried to change him sexually."

I think perhaps this is fair to say generally to an opposite sex friend, but I hope to god he didn't go into details of her attempted seductions. I would be mortified for you to know that if I were the wife.

"He did tell her from the beginning that sex was off the cards and while he loves her and his body , the physical acts surrounding sex with women repulse him.

It's like he enjoys the visuals but the acts turn his stomach."

Even if I had a straight male bestie I don't think I would want to imagine he and his wife in bed while learning about his specific arousal and thought process to this level.

"Her dealbreaker was always kids. What's saddest there is that she has accepted that she won't be having kids which is just enormous I think."

I would accept and appreciate this pity from someone I had confided in, not someone my husband had confided in on my behalf.

"He absolutely loves her although he recently told me that his wish for this year is to get to know her better despite being together for years (you used a confused emoji here)... as well as some other hopes for the year too."

"She would like marriage but he is very wealthy so I know he is a bit worried about that in that she is not."

It's a tiny thing but I don't know if I would appreciate my husband's female best friend using a slightly judgmental confused emoji about our marriage. From the above 2 quotes (in context with all else he's telling you), there are 3 people in this relationship, not 2.

I'm actually struggling to understand what the issue is here. You said he has respected her wishes to cut contact (especially 1 on 1 with just you 2) down a bit. You asked to loosen contact during your own marriage as well, when he fancied you inappropriately (despite you presumably also being just as frumpy then?). So surely it's OK to do the same for his partner.

On the other hand, if he still wants to meet you 1 on 1 all the time and constantly text you, go ahead but don't be surprised if she dumps him. Respectfully it sounds like that may be exactly what the 2 of you (your bestie and you) want. I don't mean this as an accusation but a neutral observation.

Sorry, are always texting or chatting. Is it still going on throughout the day?

@neverendingqueue you want to be liked by a good friend’s partner.
She doesn’t have to like you.
She is in a relationship with him not you.
It’s sad when friendship sometimes ends because of a new partner but it happens.
You need to create a bit of distance and respect their decision.

I am following you. I’ve nothing helpful to add, but I am following you.
either people are being deliberately obtuse, or the reading comprehension on mumsnet isn’t the highest at the moment.

I do not find you at all “snide,” that was a peculiar remark

I am not sure I buy his asexual claptrap.

I get that all the sex deets were years ago, but the sex issues probably have continued in their relationship up to this point – especially the way you talk about them in the present tense.

If I were the wife, I wouldn't want a woman my husband has/had a crush on to be this privy to intimate details about ongoing issues in our relationship.

Plus as you say, if you 2 are always texting and chatting, plus work together, if I were the wife I would wonder if the emotional/sex confiding was continuing.

I'm with funnyface 36 on this. I don't buy it either. I think maybe you enjoy the attention or drama of this situation because frankly this is a ridiculous situation. Why on earth would you involve yourself much less want to be friends with this person??

If he is asexual and she wanted to change him, that right there is a problem. She’s likely feeling extremely insecure - lack of sex will do that in a relationship with vastly differing sex drives.

you might be the person he talks about a lot- inadvertently (or maybe intentionally) triangulating.

whatever it is, her dislike of you doesn’t really have to do with you as a person, since she doesn’t know you.

if this bothers you greatly, how about asking her to meet up, just you two? Maybe you could become her friend.

Why would she want to be friends with the OP? OP seems overly invested in being his ‘non threatening best friend who knows all of their shared relationship business’

oh please

the girlfriend doesn’t like OP because her intuition is telling her not to. I don’t think OP is being genuine with her ‘we he used to fancy me; I’m such a frump and she’s so glam, we talk everyday but we’re just friends. They never have sex. Poor her’
faux concern

I do not see any reason to doubt what op has said. 🤷🏻‍♀️