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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

husband's crush priority :(

342 replies

suze284 · 31/01/2023 15:55

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/02/2023 14:25

suze284 · 01/02/2023 10:40

yeah..... with the move i also thought to tell him it's for work at the start.. depending on how pissed off i felt. or like i need some space to think

Perfect.

String him along until the time is just right.

Maybe tell him he is just shit in bed and you can't fake it anymore, or you find him unattractive and he has a really off putting odour..........run with it🤣

BeyondReleaseTheKraken · 01/02/2023 14:29

I just wanted to agree with @Twawmyarse2 - the way you are dealing with this is really refreshing to see! It's shitty, but you are so pulled together about it 🙂

suze284 · 01/02/2023 14:31

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 14:25

Perfect.

String him along until the time is just right.

Maybe tell him he is just shit in bed and you can't fake it anymore, or you find him unattractive and he has a really off putting odour..........run with it🤣

awww haha but then the joke's on me, if i married a stinky
god, my life is just history repeating itself. my dad put my mum and his mistress in the same room for a laugh.... i think the mistress was the daughter of my grandma's friend or something.. he then hired her to work for him. mum came into his office one evening. i was like 5 or 6. later my mum told me that the woman kept glaring at her, and she was just working like what's her problem.
a couple of years later when my parents separated and my dad and the woman stopped hiding, he kept telling me to tell my mum stuff about his new gf. and grinning like an absolute knob. one of the few memories of him i've got.
what a troll fest these men eh

OP posts:
suze284 · 01/02/2023 14:38

BeyondReleaseTheKraken · 01/02/2023 14:29

I just wanted to agree with @Twawmyarse2 - the way you are dealing with this is really refreshing to see! It's shitty, but you are so pulled together about it 🙂

aw thank you... the adrenaline is still going in me

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/02/2023 14:40

Ah god love you.

There are lots of decent men out there and you will find one.

You have good standards and you will learn from this.

He doesn't deserve you.

Just be thankful you haven't gotten pregnant yet.

BeyondReleaseTheKraken · 01/02/2023 14:40

I repeated the cycle a few times too, suze. Flowers

I am ridiculously happy that as part of the therapy to deal with it, I came to terms with the fact I'm lesbian 😂 - and since met DW who is (personality wise, not just the obvious!) completely different to all the fuck-ups I had before

ShittyPeasantsFromHampshire · 01/02/2023 15:55

SmileyClare · 01/02/2023 13:38

Urgh is it? He sounds like an arrogant twat spouting lines like “maybe in another life” like bloody Burt Reynolds.

Most decent (coupled) men would just avoid hitting on women at parties.

No need for pompous one liners 😂

Agree completely. As though he was doing something so virtuous by not hitting on this beautiful woman. Oh puhlease.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/02/2023 16:16

I think @suze284 the thing is it becomes an almighty turn off (I hate the expression the ick but it kind of is that) when you realise the bloke you spend so much time with, plan meals for, arrange holidays with, put first in your mind is actually taking it all for granted and sniffing round looking for a bit of romantic excitement elsewhere , even if it's not reciprocated. It was the emotional aspect that pissed me off with my Hs emotional fling- the fact time and copious amounts of energy was being spent thinking about someone else and simply not putting me first - if it was his mother or a child - fair enough to a degree- some attractive hippy dippy 21 year old when he was 41- nope!! I've stayed but never 100% felt the same and at 8 months and no kids my view is that he clearly has either a wandering eye or always needs that feeling of 'the chase'

Coolheadedbird · 01/02/2023 16:31

Sorry this has to be repeated @billy1966

String him along until the time is just right.

Maybe tell him he is just shit in bed and you can't fake it anymore

How to exact s perfect revenge and give him some shitty vibes he’s been following into you. Perhaps even add…

I suppose you don’t really notice when girls are not into you, like when we’re shagging and I’m not really that into it, you’re still looking for yr own satisfaction out if it. Doesn’t work in 2023, because we’ve smartened up and don’t put up with half baked excuses of a man. 🥊

kateandme · 01/02/2023 17:48

Ugh.yoy deserve so much more. Do not stay with this ungrateful for love gobshite.
People don't do that to those they love.
And you no exactly what you're doing when flirting!
If u leave when he goes op it also means you can start the process of healing. You'll be well on your way.

TheaBrandt · 01/02/2023 17:48

To be fair we were all in our twenties 😀. He wasn’t pompous but a chilled out Aussie! He was gorgeous actually and could have had anyone but had committed to his fiancée and that was that.

MeridianB · 01/02/2023 18:15

Just RTFT and don’t want to be cynical but as he’s suddenly now all up for the family event, could it be that she’s cancelled her leaving do? Is she likely to be in the same location as him on his work trip?

it just seems like such a change in him since the ‘What’s the problem?’ attitude after the first party.

Doublevodka · 01/02/2023 18:45

OP, you come across as a very intelligent, emotionally mature and well rounded person. I feel bad for you because you really do deserve so much more. It seems your husband does not have the same emotional maturity. I know what you mean about not wanting to overreact and look back years from now thinking you didn’t try enough etc, but will you ever feel right in this relationship now? I was treated similarly once in a relationship many years ago, and honestly it made me feel really shit about myself. It was strange because I’ve always been a fairly confident person. I realised that I would never feel completely secure or trust him. It’s a horrible feeling. You’ve had some good advice here. I think it’s also really good that you are aware your mum is not giving you the right advice. Wishing you the best of luck.

SmileyClare · 01/02/2023 19:31

TheaBrandt · 01/02/2023 17:48

To be fair we were all in our twenties 😀. He wasn’t pompous but a chilled out Aussie! He was gorgeous actually and could have had anyone but had committed to his fiancée and that was that.

Ok it sounds like you all had a crush on him. 😬
A man that has to walk away saying “sorry I’m engaged, maybe in another life” when meeting an attractive woman is pretty arrogant in my books.
It makes me think he’s incapable/ uninterested in having an adult conversation with a member of the other sex without thinking of his dick.

Emdubz · 01/02/2023 21:00

ShittyPeasantsFromHampshire · 01/02/2023 15:55

Agree completely. As though he was doing something so virtuous by not hitting on this beautiful woman. Oh puhlease.

Oh I’m glad you both read it like that too 😁🤮

TheaBrandt · 01/02/2023 22:22

Nah he was an actually a lovely chap. He muttered those words under his breath. Never fancied him myself but he was objectively very good looking my sisters friend would have been keen - he was a lovely friend to me at the time we both shared a hideous boss.He was a lazy git though!

TheaBrandt · 01/02/2023 22:26

More to the point op you sound absolutely lovely how dare he treat you like that. Know it’s not a nice phase but the words “starter marriage” spring to mind…

WalkingThroughTreacle · 02/02/2023 11:37

MeridianB · 01/02/2023 18:15

Just RTFT and don’t want to be cynical but as he’s suddenly now all up for the family event, could it be that she’s cancelled her leaving do? Is she likely to be in the same location as him on his work trip?

it just seems like such a change in him since the ‘What’s the problem?’ attitude after the first party.

Or now that she is leaving and no longer has to worry about office diplomacy she's told her creepy workplace stalker that he's not fucking welcome.

Bit of a stretch maybe. Just making the point that the OP, who I feel heart sorry for, is very possibly not the only victim in this scenario. She may even be leaving precisely because of OP's husband's inappropriate behaviour.

suze284 · 02/02/2023 14:49

MeridianB · 01/02/2023 18:15

Just RTFT and don’t want to be cynical but as he’s suddenly now all up for the family event, could it be that she’s cancelled her leaving do? Is she likely to be in the same location as him on his work trip?

it just seems like such a change in him since the ‘What’s the problem?’ attitude after the first party.

doesn't seem so, too little time has passed... and there's a fb event for it her bf set up with v.recent discussions
idk where she will be during his trip... don't think dh is the reason she's leaving, she's trying to get extension on her contract or another one elsewhere. it really is not completely up to her, this type of work

OP posts:
WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 02/02/2023 15:01

@Puppers and @Mamanyt give excellent advice on this thread, agree

CantGetDecentNickname · 19/02/2023 17:29

Any update OP? Hoping you are ok.

suze284 · 21/02/2023 10:13

CantGetDecentNickname · 19/02/2023 17:29

Any update OP? Hoping you are ok.

hi! thank you very much for checking in. we went to the family birthday, now he's away on his work thing...
i don't know what i'm going to do, divorce seems a bit extreme now ;( i don't know

OP posts:
MeridianB · 21/02/2023 10:16

Did he go enthusiatically, of his own accord?

Any signs that he realises he's been totally disrepectful and inappropriate? Any apology?

If the answer to those is 'no' then I would keep a very open mind about your future. 🙁

suze284 · 21/02/2023 10:26

MeridianB · 21/02/2023 10:16

Did he go enthusiatically, of his own accord?

Any signs that he realises he's been totally disrepectful and inappropriate? Any apology?

If the answer to those is 'no' then I would keep a very open mind about your future. 🙁

yeah after he said he's not going to the colleague's do after the initial convo, he kept bringing up the family bday, gift etc... paid for the gift. i tried to just let it flow to see what he was going to do. he didn't formally apologise but it seems he's been trying to compensate for it

OP posts:
journeyofinsanity · 21/02/2023 10:52

So have I got this right, just prior to the leaving do/birthday party, dh suddenly stopped talking about leaving do and started being enthusiastic about family event? Did he say why?
He's now become all frantically keen on being nice to you?
And now he's away abroad for a month.
He sounds like a dick sorry