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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband's crush priority :(

342 replies

suze284 · 31/01/2023 15:55

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

OP posts:
Original poster
suze284 · 01/02/2023 10:01

also i think i want a flat share with people/group of girls, i might go live in a slightly smaller town where i spent some time and have very happy memories which is very near my work city. i don't want to be on my own

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/02/2023 10:10

HiddenGiraffes · 01/02/2023 10:01

For me, fancying someone else is less the issue than publicly humiliating you at an event you attended together by going after her like a puppy. And wanting to bail on your event for her is the same thing. There's a real lack of respect and I couldn't tolerate it.

Respect is so basic in a relationship, when its gone, its gone.

I couldn't be with someone with so little respect for himself and me.

I wouldn't ever want to be seen out again with someone who would humiliate us both as a complete.

Complete ICK.

Iceicebaby1969 · 01/02/2023 10:13

I’m very sorry you are going through this heartache, marriage shouldn’t be this difficult this early. I’m with lots of other posters if he is acting like this in front of you it makes me wonder what he is like at work? He had no respect for you and your marriage on your evening out while you was there. He knew what he was doing but seemed incapable of stopping himself.
Go on your break, spend the time deciding what you want and need going forward. I believe from reading your reply’s you have already made up your mind. Make some plans and get all your ducks in a row.
I am wondering if the lady has actually said something to him because of the apology and change of mind over the party?? Could be possible.
mumsnetter are here for you regardless.

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 01/02/2023 10:15

suze284 · 01/02/2023 10:01

also i think i want a flat share with people/group of girls, i might go live in a slightly smaller town where i spent some time and have very happy memories which is very near my work city. i don't want to be on my own

That sounds like a great plan.

what is your commitment to your current rental?

Original poster
suze284 · 01/02/2023 10:17

Iceicebaby1969 · 01/02/2023 10:13

I’m very sorry you are going through this heartache, marriage shouldn’t be this difficult this early. I’m with lots of other posters if he is acting like this in front of you it makes me wonder what he is like at work? He had no respect for you and your marriage on your evening out while you was there. He knew what he was doing but seemed incapable of stopping himself.
Go on your break, spend the time deciding what you want and need going forward. I believe from reading your reply’s you have already made up your mind. Make some plans and get all your ducks in a row.
I am wondering if the lady has actually said something to him because of the apology and change of mind over the party?? Could be possible.
mumsnetter are here for you regardless.

thank you
I don't think they discussed it because it was about a couple hours after and he was home (I think I'd be in a real bigger hurry to get out if they had, or if she texted me like 'don't worry i have a bf i don't want your husband' grrrrr)
but yeah, not great either way

OP posts:
BeachBlondey · 01/02/2023 10:20

I felt a real sadness reading your posts, as my 1st husband was exactly like this. I met him when I was 16, and we married when I was 20. He was the only man I'd ever been with. I was so naive. He did exactly as you describe, on so many occasions, with so many women. It was heart breaking and humiliating. It's almost impossible to deal with in the moment, as you'd be making a scene, but I would go crazy at him when we got home. We shared children and assets, so it was hard to leave. But after 20 years together, I left him. I just couldn't take any more. He was literally on his knees begging me to stay, but it was too little, too late.

I'm now married to a wonderful man, who only has eyes for me. I've been at parties where stunning women enter the room, and no word of a lie, he doesn't even notice. He's never shown any interest, in any other women, and we've been together for almost 15 years now.

My ExH, on the other hand, has cheated on every partner he's had since we split. I know he is cheating on his current long term, live in GF as well.

In your shoes, with no assets or children, I would not stand for this shit for one moment longer. Let him choose whether he comes to the family party or her leaving party - this will tell you a lot. Also, if he's like this in front of you, what is he capable of when you're not watching? I know (now) that mine was shagging around.

Life is way too short to put up with this.

Original poster
suze284 · 01/02/2023 10:22

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 01/02/2023 10:15

That sounds like a great plan.

what is your commitment to your current rental?

Show quote history

i think our contract renewal cycle is october.... but rent is quite low. we can break it off early of course.
i feel i want to give myself some space and flexibility... have a hot girl spring/summer (lol!) away from him, give him a taste of single life he so seems to want. then unless he does something to really try reverse what he's done (idk what that is now but not my problem!), i'll slide off the contract and divorce. seems a bit mellow, but i just don't want to make my life harder in practical terms (eg where to put my stuff, running around like a headless chicken between spareroom and renting etc...), i didn't do anything wrong.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/02/2023 10:22

suze284 · 01/02/2023 10:01

also i think i want a flat share with people/group of girls, i might go live in a slightly smaller town where i spent some time and have very happy memories which is very near my work city. i don't want to be on my own

Excellent idea.

Move somewhere nice that you like.

Iceicebaby1969 · 01/02/2023 10:28

How are you feeling this morning? I would imagine still shocked that your husband is behaving like a silly teen. I’ve been in the opposite position as you, the other lady was chasing my husband. I had to put a stop to it. If my situation was the same as yours I know I would be leaving. You having the ICK says everything you need to know your never going to look at him the same way, your trust and respect have been tested to the max. Love doesn’t come into this discussion in my opinion because anyone can fallout of love in an instant.

Original poster
suze284 · 01/02/2023 10:30

Iceicebaby1969 · 01/02/2023 10:28

How are you feeling this morning? I would imagine still shocked that your husband is behaving like a silly teen. I’ve been in the opposite position as you, the other lady was chasing my husband. I had to put a stop to it. If my situation was the same as yours I know I would be leaving. You having the ICK says everything you need to know your never going to look at him the same way, your trust and respect have been tested to the max. Love doesn’t come into this discussion in my opinion because anyone can fallout of love in an instant.

thank you... i feel a bit on edge, maybe the adrenaline of it all.... writing here has been of great help. i went on a walk early this morning but it just seemed to give my thoughts more momentum ;(

OP posts:
BeachBlondey · 01/02/2023 10:30

Also, try to get a look through his phone - it might be quite the eye opener. I went through my ExH phone when he was passed out drunk. Found out he'd been having sex with my best friend. I dumped them both!

Original poster
suze284 · 01/02/2023 10:37

BeachBlondey · 01/02/2023 10:30

Also, try to get a look through his phone - it might be quite the eye opener. I went through my ExH phone when he was passed out drunk. Found out he'd been having sex with my best friend. I dumped them both!

she's only got whatsapp, no social media (i checked😎and she once said she hates it), i actually accidentally saw his whatsapp screen the other day, his chat with her is dry... like practical. no meme game even...

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/02/2023 10:38

Do not act impetuously if there is any chance it doesn't suit YOU.

Screw him and his future.

Keep your cards so close to your chest and only act when it suits you.

Don't do ANYTHING that inconveniences YOU in any way.

Manorbier · 01/02/2023 10:40

OP I don't say this lightly and don't like telling people to leave partners but tbh I'm glad you're planning to take a break away from him

Original poster
suze284 · 01/02/2023 10:40

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 10:38

Do not act impetuously if there is any chance it doesn't suit YOU.

Screw him and his future.

Keep your cards so close to your chest and only act when it suits you.

Don't do ANYTHING that inconveniences YOU in any way.

yeah..... with the move i also thought to tell him it's for work at the start.. depending on how pissed off i felt. or like i need some space to think

OP posts:
Iceicebaby1969 · 01/02/2023 10:46

Exercise is good for your thoughts, gives you space away from home and doesn’t allow you to dwell on photos ect that you can see 24/7.
Take your time and be gentle with yourself, it must of been awful for you. How long is your husbands work trip?

Original poster
suze284 · 01/02/2023 10:48

Iceicebaby1969 · 01/02/2023 10:46

Exercise is good for your thoughts, gives you space away from home and doesn’t allow you to dwell on photos ect that you can see 24/7.
Take your time and be gentle with yourself, it must of been awful for you. How long is your husbands work trip?

thank you ❤
the trip is about a month long in total

OP posts:
Iceicebaby1969 · 01/02/2023 10:59

Plenty of time for you to move and settle wherever you want to go too. I wouldn’t tell him either just pack leave and start your new chapter. Im positive he will know why you have left and why you want a divorce. Do not allow anyone to tell you your daft, and you need to return. They are not in your marriage you two are. When people show you who they are believe them.

Greenpolkadot · 01/02/2023 11:28

Hes making himself look a right idiot.
If yiu noticed how he trailed after her at the works do you can bet that his colleagues noticed it,
Im so sorry for you OP,,,I can imagine how hurt you feel.

Coolheadedbird · 01/02/2023 11:52

yeah..... with the move i also thought to tell him it's for work at the start.. depending on how pissed off i felt. or like i need some space to think

OMG you are living my fantasy out here. Slow painful realisation that he’s fucked up is the best revenge. Actually they do say success is the best revenge. I love so much about who you are and I don’t even know you. It’s very clear who the loser is in this. The porous boundary toddler that sometimes sees in diapers and failed to wear his big boy pants when it was time to act grown up.

Just love what’s coming to him.

WinnieFosterReads · 01/02/2023 12:21

Yy he might have a crush on her but tbh most people would prefer to go out with their colleagues than go to a party for extended family. Don't be a martyr by telling him to go out with work. Just reiterate that you have both accepted the family invitation so that's where you are both going. No need for drama or arguments.

BellePeppa · 01/02/2023 13:16

BeachBlondey · 01/02/2023 10:20

I felt a real sadness reading your posts, as my 1st husband was exactly like this. I met him when I was 16, and we married when I was 20. He was the only man I'd ever been with. I was so naive. He did exactly as you describe, on so many occasions, with so many women. It was heart breaking and humiliating. It's almost impossible to deal with in the moment, as you'd be making a scene, but I would go crazy at him when we got home. We shared children and assets, so it was hard to leave. But after 20 years together, I left him. I just couldn't take any more. He was literally on his knees begging me to stay, but it was too little, too late.

I'm now married to a wonderful man, who only has eyes for me. I've been at parties where stunning women enter the room, and no word of a lie, he doesn't even notice. He's never shown any interest, in any other women, and we've been together for almost 15 years now.

My ExH, on the other hand, has cheated on every partner he's had since we split. I know he is cheating on his current long term, live in GF as well.

In your shoes, with no assets or children, I would not stand for this shit for one moment longer. Let him choose whether he comes to the family party or her leaving party - this will tell you a lot. Also, if he's like this in front of you, what is he capable of when you're not watching? I know (now) that mine was shagging around.

Life is way too short to put up with this.

My friend’s husband has never had eyes for anyone but her. She’s never even the prettiest woman in the room but to him she’s the most beautiful and I think it’s wonderful as I unfortunately have not had that myself. They’ve been together thirty odd years, never mind a few months, and it’s never wavered. This is how it should be.

SmileyClare · 01/02/2023 13:38

TheaBrandt · 31/01/2023 20:38

I had a lovely (extremely handsome) male friend in my twenties really nice guy newly engaged. He came to a party I held with my sister as did a newly single old friend of my sister. She was extremely beautiful and lovely and (to be cruel) looked like a more beautiful version of his fiancée. He had a chat with her (she’s also intelligent/ interesting she had been the most fancied girl at our school) he then shook his head and said “I need to leave. Maybe in another life”. That’s what a decent man does.

Urgh is it? He sounds like an arrogant twat spouting lines like “maybe in another life” like bloody Burt Reynolds.

Most decent (coupled) men would just avoid hitting on women at parties.

No need for pompous one liners 😂

2bazookas · 01/02/2023 14:14

It's awful that so early in a lifetime commitment he treats you with so little respect, and so little care .

But the real red flag (to me) is that he's also treating his colleague with equally horrible disrespect and lack of consideration. She's not interested in him at all; but that makes no difference to him . His treatment of both of you,

illustrates a man incapable of empathy, or genuine connection, bonding.

He's demonstrating the same inner void regarding the proposed family event. He won't put his wife and family first. He never will.

Showing his true self so quickly, might be the only silver lining. I don't think this marriage can last; and if you try to stick it out, you risk far more damage and pain with a man like that.

Twawmyarse2 · 01/02/2023 14:20

SmileyClare · 01/02/2023 13:38

Urgh is it? He sounds like an arrogant twat spouting lines like “maybe in another life” like bloody Burt Reynolds.

Most decent (coupled) men would just avoid hitting on women at parties.

No need for pompous one liners 😂

Show quote history

Yep, I actually would find even that nauseating and creepy from a married man. Like he's lamenting and pining over a stranger he's just met imagining how things might have been whilst his poor wife is sat at home! Out of order of him to have even voiced that thought imo.

Just wanted to say OP I think you sound super-strong 💪 and like you have very high self esteem - after seeing so many women around me who stay with cheating arseholes and do the "pick me" dance when their dp has inevitably strayed - it's very refreshing to hear!

Sounds like at the very least a long break where you can just focus on yourself without him around (i would tell him you want no contact for that period) will be just what you need to decide what you really want to do next.