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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband's crush priority :(

342 replies

suze284 · 31/01/2023 15:55

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

OP posts:
RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 31/01/2023 16:42

Oh OP, that is really hurtful of him.

Calmly tell him this is a pivotal point in your relationship and he has a choice to make: you and your pre-arranged commitment, or this woman's leaving party. And you will make decisions based on his response.

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:44

blackbeardsballsack · 31/01/2023 16:41

It's unbelievable that he even said out loud that he would prefer to go and hang out with his female colleague. If this is what he is happy to say out loud directly to you, I can't imagine what he's thinking. Or how he behaves when you aren't around. Even if he is forced to go to your family thing, you'll still know that he actually wanted to be with this woman so it wouldn't solve the issue. Or his next stupid infatuation. I know we are always getting told off for saying that women should leave their husbands, but some of them really do give no reasons to stay.

when he first heard about the family birthday he was so excited..... l knew he might be away or going away around that time so approached it carefully, but he was so eager.. and now what.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2023 16:44

Your husband's behaviour and lack of selfcontrol and self awareness is absolutely unbelievable. I'd be out the door I'm afraid. Your marriage is just not going to make it.

Noonesperfect · 31/01/2023 16:44

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 31/01/2023 16:42

Oh OP, that is really hurtful of him.

Calmly tell him this is a pivotal point in your relationship and he has a choice to make: you and your pre-arranged commitment, or this woman's leaving party. And you will make decisions based on his response.

Yes excellent way to phrase it 👍

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:47

ZaphodDent · 31/01/2023 16:41

Regardless of the current situation...you've now learned that your husband is quite vulnerable to crushes on other women. Not only that, he's so crippled by them he doesn't realise his behaviour is inappropriate.

Crushes are in many ways very natural. The instinctive chemical reaction to an attractive person is evolutionary. The thing is to recognise it and take action to avoid it becoming something worse. Men with a degree of maturity and morals know to steer clear and keep boundaries. Your DH sounds underdeveloped in this area. Is he immature in other social skills? He doesn't seem to know he has a weakness. Maybe it's the first time this kind of thing has happened and he just doesn't get it? Maybe the intensity of the crush has confused him? Men can do really daft things when under the influence of oxytocin and dopamine.

i don;t think he's underdeveloped, he reads about psychology... which makes it funnier in a way. maybe it's one of those situations that you can see from a distance but when it's happening to you issh hits the fan.
at the start of our relationship we had a convo like what is cheating to you? he said it's intercourse and (from what I understood) is a big no-no for him. then i asked what about emotional cheating, he said there's no such thing, just disrespect for the spouse.

OP posts:
WalkingThroughTreacle · 31/01/2023 16:50

Sounds grim for you. I know the LTB card possibly gets overplayed sometimes on here but I'd seriously consider it if I were you. Yes you'll have to go through the hassle of divorce etc but better now than in the future when you are even more entangled plus life has passed you by.

Think about this. If he is behaving like this towards a woman who is clearly not interested in him, how can you doubt that he won't jump into bed with the first attractive woman that actually is interested in him?

Theunamedcat · 31/01/2023 16:52

I had to wait five years to file for a divorce four months is nothing

Do it he is clearly obsessed

Piffle11 · 31/01/2023 16:53

If is isn't her, it will be someone else

In my last job young guy join the team – early 30s – married with young children. It became very obvious very quickly that he had a particular interest in one young woman working there. Similar age, married with a young child. He would follow her around, complement her, try and sit with her during her break and lunch. She had absolutely no interest in him. A few months later, he started an affair with another colleague and left his wife and DC.

About seven months after I married my first husband, he changed jobs. Within a couple of months he had started an affair. I had been married for a grand total of 10 months when I went to see a solicitor about a divorce. Yes, I had to wait a year before filing the papers, but everything was in place and I knew what I had to do.

It may not seem like it now, but you are fortunate that you have been giving given this insight so early into your relationship. Cut your losses: leave, and find someone in the future who deserves you.

BigFatLiar · 31/01/2023 16:53

At eight months married if he's following anyone all puppy eyed it should be you. We weren't exactly jumping all over each other but even after a couple of years DH would rather stay in with me than go out.

He needs to value who he has.

butterfliedtwo · 31/01/2023 16:54

He's being both hurtful and embarrassing. To himself and to you.

I'm sorry. I would tell him once that what he's doing is absolutely unacceptable. After that, and if he didn't get it, I'd make plans to divorce. You don't need this kind of shit behaviour for the rest of your life.

haironmychin · 31/01/2023 16:55

Sorry op as someone that has been in your position I'd agree with everyone else and get out. It shouldn't be like this 8 month newlywed as others have said. He's showing you who he is and saving you a worse heartache years down the line when your lives are even more intertwined. He sounds very shallow like my ex mooning around after work colleagues. His co-workers will notice and think he's a bit of a tit no doubt.

You sound strong, you'll be fine, it will hurt for a bit but he's actually giving you a lucky escape by showing you who he is early on.

haironmychin · 31/01/2023 16:57

suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:47

i don;t think he's underdeveloped, he reads about psychology... which makes it funnier in a way. maybe it's one of those situations that you can see from a distance but when it's happening to you issh hits the fan.
at the start of our relationship we had a convo like what is cheating to you? he said it's intercourse and (from what I understood) is a big no-no for him. then i asked what about emotional cheating, he said there's no such thing, just disrespect for the spouse.

Show quote history

He sounds immature sorry op

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:59

Piffle11 · 31/01/2023 16:53

If is isn't her, it will be someone else

In my last job young guy join the team – early 30s – married with young children. It became very obvious very quickly that he had a particular interest in one young woman working there. Similar age, married with a young child. He would follow her around, complement her, try and sit with her during her break and lunch. She had absolutely no interest in him. A few months later, he started an affair with another colleague and left his wife and DC.

About seven months after I married my first husband, he changed jobs. Within a couple of months he had started an affair. I had been married for a grand total of 10 months when I went to see a solicitor about a divorce. Yes, I had to wait a year before filing the papers, but everything was in place and I knew what I had to do.

It may not seem like it now, but you are fortunate that you have been giving given this insight so early into your relationship. Cut your losses: leave, and find someone in the future who deserves you.

thank you for sharing... i wonder why some people get married really.....
and i'm sorry for what happened to you, i hope your life made a turn for the better after this point.. can i ask you a practical question: did you go to a solicitor because you had joint assets? i just looked on the gov website, i didn't think a solicitor might be needed... we don;t even have a joint bank account.

OP posts:
Johnduttonsbuttocks · 31/01/2023 16:59

suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:41

i'd have to wait like 4 months to file for divorce though..... i just keep thinking if we were just dating i'd be gone

This is crucial. You know what you have to do. You deserve much better than this.

Can you separate and stick it out for 4 months?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/01/2023 17:01

🌸

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 17:02

Johnduttonsbuttocks · 31/01/2023 16:59

This is crucial. You know what you have to do. You deserve much better than this.

Can you separate and stick it out for 4 months?

Show quote history

by separate you mean live separately or legal separation? i can move out to the city where my job is, rent on spareroom... we're renting in our current city because of his work. i just don't want to spend any more than i have to because he can't keep himself in check.
i could move south to my parents' but my mum takes everything too close to heart and wants grandkids... she'll send me right back, telling me i'm stupid probably

OP posts:
haironmychin · 31/01/2023 17:03

He probably did want to get married op, it's not about you, it's about his emotional immaturity, it's him not you.

haironmychin · 31/01/2023 17:03

Don't listen to your mum, she won't want grandkids from him!

haironmychin · 31/01/2023 17:04

You've worked him out quickly and you sound strong and switched on. You'll be fine op. Don't settle for a life of wondering and worrying.

Ryder68 · 31/01/2023 17:05

Another thing to consider......once this woman has gone, even though she showed no interest in him, he may idealise her as 'the one that got away'.

Johnduttonsbuttocks · 31/01/2023 17:06

@suze284 , yes, I meant live separately. That way you have got away from his nonsense. Sharing a house with him would be painful, and I'd steer clear of your mum, whose desire for grandkids is all about her needs, not yours.

Wishing you strength - you're absolutely doing the right thing.

diddl · 31/01/2023 17:06

oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. -I mean so fucking what?

After that I'd be past caring if he went to her leaving do.

If he goes with you he'll probably be moping & shit company.

Thoughtful2355 · 31/01/2023 17:06

He's picking some girl who is leaving over your family. That's not on. I'd be leaving on principle that its fucked up

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 17:07

haironmychin · 31/01/2023 17:03

Don't listen to your mum, she won't want grandkids from him!

i'm serious... she thought he was lagging with the engagement, told me to 'just get pregnant' and they'll help with the money. when i left my previous abusive relationship, dude was threatening to start beating me, she told me he's just joking. i'm completely serious, i love the memory of her when i was a child, she was a protective mother and gave me everything she could but since my early 20s something clicked in her, i don't share too much of my life, just 'everything is well, mum'.

OP posts:
Lampzade · 31/01/2023 17:07

Definitely a dealbreaker for me.
The woman he was crushing on is probably aware of his crush as are others. He couldn’t even control himself when you were around. Then to top it all off he is desperate to attend her leaving do despite his previous behaviour . You are not his priority
I feel annoyed on your behalf .

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