husband's crush priority :(

[suze284]

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

I would approach him and literally say something along the lines of, 'Are you seriously saying you'd rather go to the leaving party because you don't know when/if you'll ever see 'crush' again, over my family's important party??? Is that what you're saying?' and see how he responds to that.

Urgh so sorry OP. If i were you I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. Even if he does come to your party instead of hers do you think you can ever move past this? From what you've said it sounds like maybe if it wasn't for the pandemic your relationship might not have progressed in the same way. I know LTB is thrown about quite liberally on MN but if my DH behaved like this we'd be over. It's natural to find other people attractive as long as you control yourself and don't openly drool over them and prioritise them over your partner. As others have said what happens when his feelings are reciprocated? You seem really nice and you deserve better.

Chuck this man out. It happens. He’s lowered you and he has also highlighted how other women he pines and prays for won’t have him! Ewwwwww!!! You’ll never recover from the ick of this man safe in the knowledge of you by his side STILL gets rejected!!! Ewwww!!!

Run, run hard and run swift. Grab what you can but get out.

When I was younger a boyfriend kissed someone and then told me about it. I dumped him in the same conversation and it made him cry like a baby. After 11 yrs into marriage to a lovely guy he had a breakdown and I found out he had been fooling with a colleague. We had kids house 🏡 so much to lose. Took me over 2 yrs to forgive him and it was torture. I am so glad I did forgive him and he’s actually been a great husband and daddy ever since. It was a growing up stupidity like a mud life crisis of confidence.

Nevertheless your post has had me fantasising that I was free to do as I please, which you currently are. What a privilege and how lucky you are that you are not tied yet. I know my choice would be to remain level headed like you but chuck him out. It’s so simple pure and humiliating.

With the bf I dumped, though it was just a kiss I saw messages later that he was upset that she moved on with someone else. Oh the joy of finding out he was not gonna get his little crush and he was never getting me back. It was just riveting stuff.

Also the affair I discovered with hubster had ran its course and was basically toxic, so toxic she decided to share it with me as a last ditch attempt of extracting him through me chucking him out. How I wish it was easy. But you see it’s one thing being a little sad on yr own but quite another making yr kids sad and ruing their lives with step mommies from hell and bullshit division of the week here there etc. As I say it’s back to being great, but kids grow up in about 8 yrs time anyhow so then it’s a little easier to execute whatever I may please.

So you are in a perfect place.

So with you by his side flirting openly he still gets rejected. Ooooh I would drill that one into him. Tell him how people said he embarrassed himself the other night. The full works. Say how lovely the colleagues boyfriend was….God I wish it was me and I could be in your shoes and not mine. I’d know where to poke. You can do a lot in a couple of sentences….

To be honest OP echoing at least one previous post I would find this hard to get past even if he did come to the party based on his embarrassing behaviour that night

Have to agree, unfortunately. Why stay with someone who is not madly in love as a newlywed.

I’d second the above post but with a correction.

Why stay with someone who does not know themselves and seeks validation to obtain his self worth?

When people say men are weak, they don’t mean sexually, it’s really the crappy unregulated not grown up wankiness that’s the problem.

My ex flirted so obviously in front of me a few times. Turned out he was sleeping with many other people - too many to count. He ‘worked long hours’…. He’d become so confident that he would always get away with his cheating that he stopped trying to hide it in the end.
He never loved or respected me, only married me to have kids.
Divorce court doesn’t care what you have put up with in a marriage, you get no rewards for that.
I wish I’d fled at that very first red flag.

isn't it in instances when it turns out you're related/got pregnant by someone else prior to start/didn't consummate it? i did have a read, thought annulment is in quite drastic circumstances (live in UK)

There are specific grounds for an annulment. I can’t see that op has any of them.

We all make choices - in a relationship he's asked you to choose him over other men surely, why would you doubt he should choose you over any other woman?

Have you explained how his behaviour has made you feel? His behaviour is appalling but he could genuinely be unaware of how much of a twat he was. Its how he reacts to hearing how its made you feel that is important. If he dismisses your feelings then it speaks volumes.

Find yourself a crush and cut him off sexually!! Completely cut him off in the bedroom. Tell him to move out and that you’re done. Make up a job offer in a different county far away from him and that you’re considering it, when you’re not! Works!!

I disagree, there's no point in spoon feeding him. He's already SAID he'd rather go to her party & that he may never see her again <wail>. He's made it clear what his priory is.

basically giving him an ultimatum is pointless.

I would be uneasy having children with a man who is still in the emotional stage of having infatuations for unobtainable women and not even being able to hide it in front of his spouse. That's not a grown up. That's not someone you want a future with.

OP you sound quite cool about the whole thing. Less than a year married and you seem emotionally at arm's length. Maybe neither of you is sufficiently deeply emotionally invested in the marriage, so if you want to walk away do.

So, what are you going to do @suze284 ?
Have you had a conversation with him?

yes, he apologised last night on his own initiative.... i'm icked out though.... idk i don't want an argument or live in hostility these couple of weeks... we've got plans to go on a weekend break where his work thing is abroad... he's got like three things back to back with time between. i want to go, i'm icked out though.... i thought to cancel it all but then like why deprive myself of a nice holiday? i don't know, i'm still thinking... i've been looking at flats/rooms. i might pack up when he leaves, then go on holiday with him, then move some more before he returns.. :D am i crazy

My husband developed a huge crush {Mentionitis} on a colleague.
She was significantly older than him , so I didn't take it seriously.

However.. They began an affair and our marriage broke up over it.

{They married fast and divorced two years later}

Men do get crushes, as do women.

He can't be in love with you if he's mooning about around this woman.

If you have no financial ties, no shared property, and most importantly, no children, divorcing will be 'Easy'.

What did he say when he apologised?
I would not want to go on a holiday with him myself.

@suze284

At least you're aware of that. Often family & friends try to get you back together, it's human nature, it makes them feel settled.

plus saying it's because he's been mooning around after a work colleague' sounds 'minor' & not worth divorcing over. IF you don't look at the bigger picture.

Don't be convinced by F&F that it's 'minor'. It's really not.

Rent in your work city, get your own life there. Moving 'home' will stop you moving on!

FWIW I agree you need to LTB, even more so after reading his definition of cheating. If she (or the next one) was up for it, they'd be up to all sorts before he even felt like he was cheating on you! Life is hard enough, without starting out with someone behaving like this. I'm sorry but it's when, not if, he cheats on you. Bastard.

but you're young, don't mope over this for too long! Go & live your life. Have fun. Be open to people & see where it takes you.

it was just very basic, like i'm sorry, i love YOU, i hope i can still come to the birthday
he was like super-reactive the rest of the night, bringing me stuff, looking for something i misplaced a bit too enthusiastically. guilt.

idk i might just spend time alone on the trip, or get a different hotel.
the money's gone anyway, time off booked.
at this point i'm just pissed for myself at myself.... like i want a nice trip, what will i do instead? whine at home, packing my stuff... sad.

I was of the opinion that an annulment was very difficult to get so was durprised when two great women I know were awarded one in a relatively straightforward manner.

One case he refused to have children with her after they married.

The other woman found out that he had a gambling habit with debts.

Both had done some marriage course with the church and had the backing of their priest.

They got it on grounds of having married under false pretences.

One had said he was happy to have a family and the other had hidden addiction and debts.

Both were granted quickly.

I believe the backing of their priest was what swung it.

Another woman (friend of a friend) got one 40 years ago after having her first child as he had hidden his mental health problems apparently.

I don't think infidelity is grounds, but not sure.

For me, fancying someone else is less the issue than publicly humiliating you at an event you attended together by going after her like a puppy. And wanting to bail on your event for her is the same thing. There's a real lack of respect and I couldn't tolerate it.