husband's crush priority :(

[suze284]

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

The first year of marriage isn’t always hard; I’ve been married four years and my husband never looks at another woman. You deserve so much better op

I would ask him if he's going to the family party or the work leaving party.
If he goes to the leaving party, you know.
If he goes to the family party and acts like a sulky child, you know.
If he goes to the family party and seems fine, I would observe and wait.
Definitely stay on the contraception for now.
If you have anymore conversations about it ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed. That you were following a male colleague around and pouting about going to a pre-arranged family party to go to his leaving do, how would that look to him? How would that make him feel?

Yes, Belts and braces with the contraception until you know where you are. Your husband should not be mooning over another woman 8 months into his marriage. Or at any point tbh.* Better to recognise a marriage is below par, and not going to enhance your life, before babies come along.

*we can all get little crushes from time to time but mooning and pursuing is a different kettle of fish.

He can get to fuck...

To the point and I agree

Do not get pregnant. Get out!

I have to agree. The first year of marriage was all loved-up bliss for us! Certainly not the time to get a wandering eye surely?

Suze, I agree with @oldfan that his ‘Who, me?’ act after the party was a manipulation.

His porous boundaries, emotional incontinence, and blatant disregard of you are truly appalling. His thirst for illicit validation won’t stop with this woman.

I couldn’t stick with a man who abused my trust and destroyed my respect.

My ex DH was just like this. It was like something switched in him the moment he felt trapped by being married. I saw it early and did my best to save it but he wasn’t interested. It did progress to a full affair and endless chasing of other women, many of whom were mortified. I divorced him when I was 34, married the love of my life at 36 (we’d known each other a long time but both been in ltr’s that broke down independently). We now have 2 wonderful DCs and he treats me with love and respect. Please consider some counselling for yourself during the process if you leave the marriage. It was only at that point that a lot of lightbulbs went on for me and I was able to step away from a history of bad relationships because I could see the pattern and the causes. Not to say that’s you, but for me it was the counselling while leaving ex-DH that set everything else right in my life too. Leaving is not the easy decision some people think it is. It’s the hard, humiliating, I made a mistake and everyone’s going to see path but this is completely not on you. You deserve so much better. And as pp have said, please, please don’t have children with him.

He's probably freaking the other lady out as it's not that far off stalking her like a creepy weirdo. I wouldn't be surprised if he was the catalyst for her deciding to leave the country and head home before he escalates to worse behaviour.

Sorry to say this but I would very concerned about the kind of man he REALLY is and get out now before his behaviour gets more sinister.

Re your previous abusive relationship, it's always worth bearing in mind something I once read here (and have quoted many, many times irl since!)

Just because you were once with a level 8 bastard (who was much worse in comparison), does not mean you should stay with a level 3 bastard.

From my perspective it’s pretty normal to get a crush when you’re married. I did when I was engaged and I found it quite stressful as was someone I was doing a project with and it was mutual.

I’d maybe sit down and have a grown up conversation ish and say it’s naive to go into a long term relationship and expect never to feel attracted or connected to someone else. But with the commitment you’ve made to each other it’s what you do about it that counts. He needs the presence of mind to disentangle from this crush and treat the marriage with the care and respect it deserves. Because that’s what the commitment is to.
maybe he needs that spelling out to him?

Then if he goes to her leaving do, ltb. You’d never be able to trust him.
If he goes to the family thing and is reasonably well behaved then at least he’s done the right thing.
….. I hope you feel you can trust him though.

He completely lost his head in your presence and publicly showed you up. My instinct here would be to walk. I don't say that lightly but he has shown that he has a wandering eye and there is a good chance this will happen again. This isn't a nice way to live and you shouldn't have to feel like second best. I wavered between this advice and 'have one more very serious conversation', but I think if he has the emotional idiocy to moan about wanting to go to her party rather than honour your longstanding arrangement AFTER the party, then I don't hold out much hope for him having a flash of realisation and self control next time he comes across another attractive woman. I also don't think I like his views on women and relationships generally- testing your boundaries, categorising you, claiming not to believe in emotional fidelity. You deserve better.

OP - you say " you know, throughout most of my conscious life i've been puzzled by how people act in certain ways while thinking others around them are dumb or deaf or blind'

i can see that on the one hand this is very frustrating for you but you OTOH are are expecting your husband to read your mind. You refused to explain to him what he was doing that upset you. When he was ridiculous enough to suggest putting her leaving do ahead of a pre planned family party you walked out instead of pointing out quite reasonably that it is not reasonable to put a colleagues leaving do ahead of a previously arranged commitment and particularly not when it's already been noted that he is behaving inappropriately around her.

I don't know don't feel able to use your words here and explain to him what you think and feel, rather than shitting down when you feel angry and hurt by him but as long as that is an issue you won't have a future with anyone because even the most sensitive and emotionally intelligent person (which he doesn't appear to be!) will sometimes need telling what's going on for you.

Some counselling might help with this - to establish common boundaries, values and expectations but it might be that neither of you are sufficiently committed to one another for that to be a useful option.

Op you’re at the honeymoon stage, youngish, no kids causing pressure and just married. What happens when you grow older, have kids and the stress that brings, hit menopause etc etc. If he’s looking around now, when it’s the best bit, what’s he going to be like then?
Plus he’s doing all this in front of you, what’s he like when you’re not there?
What would he do if she was interested?
what will you do now op?

I don’t know. I’m happily married to someone brilliant, but out of the blue I developed a violent crush on a friend and neighbour a couple of years ago. Absolutely no idea why — I’d known and liked him for years, but nothing more. Obviously I never acted on it, neither the friend nor DH (nor indeed anyone else) has the faintest inkling about it, but I felt quite mad and undignified in my own head. I posted on here about it, and had a lot of good advice, including significant numbers of people who said they’d had similar, it was harmless, and urged ‘Just enjoy the spring in your step, channel it into your actual sex life with your DH — it will pass!’

Which makes me wonder — are people more outraged this man developed a crush, or because it doesn’t seem to have occurred to him to put some effort into concealing it?

I've read most of this thread and although I agree with most that the behavior is not acceptable, he is only a man and needs to be told. Similar situation with me and husband about 18 years ago. Girl from work, can he help do this and that all the time. I let it go for a while (no cheating involved) then had the conversation with husband told him he's like a puppy she's stringing him along and this is school girl stuff trying to catch the bait. As I said before he is only a man and didn't see through what she was doing he thought he was being helpful. Yes he is educated, but men don't see things as we do. Have that conversation again put your foot down then see how you feel don't make any knee jerk decisions. I never had any reason to doubt my husband after our conversation been together 21 years now.

If one has to accept lack of sensible thought because their partner is "only a man", can I just heartily take this opportunity to suggest that a woman is a better choice in partner? 🤣🤣

This. Don't you make the choice for him. See what he/who he chooses. You deserve better.

Just finished reading this thread and I've got to say, @suze284, you sound great! Honestly, give yourself a big smooch for being well-balanced and self aware.

Your OP made me hurt. I've been in the situation you described so well - and stayed, and they ended up cheating - and I've also been the 'object of desire' which is really bloody awkward tbh. Plus, my stupid father did this and she eventually had to report him for harassment as he wouldn't back off! Mum never knew about it, but I felt so much sympathy for the poor woman whose efforts at polite, cheerful and firm rebuffs had passed right by his moonstruck (and over-entitled) head.

It's a horrible feeling. There's the part where you're checking yourself in case you're being unreasonable, insecure or whatever; the trying to be relaxed about it, chuckling to yourself that he's being a bit of a twit; thinking you'd better distract him then realising that didn't work; and having to gear yourself up for The Talk in which you know you're going to sound like some loon who times the exact length of her husband's gaze at other women.

But here's the thing. You don't sound at all irrational. Your chosen life partner is, within his first year of marriage to your amazing self, moping after another woman and has already started with the "mentionitis". Your instincts are correct. Your relationship should enhance your life. If it's filling you with doubt and forcing you into a situation where you're trying to manage another adult's behaviour, it had better provide some gigantic enhancements to make up for all that! At the very least, you deserve to be treated with respect.

I agree with those who've said respect is the hardest thing to regain - even harder than trust, and I imagine you're losing some of that already. Only you know whether you're prepared to slog away at it, only 8 months in. You should be in a honeymoon period!

It's possible the pair of you have different expectations of marriage & relationships, it happens. My experience suggests it's better to cut your losses early, or resign yourself to the same story playing on repeat. I think you're worth better than that.

…he is only a man and needs to be told.

What infantilising nonsense! “Only a man”

No, he should not need to be told. He should know how to act like a grown adult with respect for his partner.

He must look an idiot to everyone at work. Sorry you had to deal what this OP, but maybe you’ve dodged a bullet?

@DarkNurseries are people more outraged this man developed a crush, or because it doesn’t seem to have occurred to him to put some effort into concealing it?

It doesn't seem to have occurred to him, period. It didn't occur to him that he was being obvious. He didn't notice that he's prioritising his colleague over his wife, ignoring her in public while chasing after the colleague. He's unwilling to make the effort to join his wife for a planned family gathering instead of the colleague's party. This is rejection after rejection.

He told her there's no such thing as emotional cheating, "just disrespect for the spouse" and it still doesn't occur to him that he is blatantly disrespecting his.

It would be hurtful to find out your s/o has a crush on someone. But most adults who are in committed relationships know that it’s wrong and actively suppress it until it goes away.

It isn’t the fact he isn’t concealing it, it’s the fact he’s actively pursuing it. If you have a crush on someone and you’re married, really you should be doing everything you can be avoid this person until it passes. Not running around after them (literally) in front of your wife’s eyes. Not cancelling on family events to spend time with them. Your moods and emotions shouldn’t be entirely controlled by this person. You shouldn’t be huffing and puffing if you can’t get to see them.

People are angry he is being so disrespectful to OP. It isn’t so much the crush itself but the way in which he is behaving.

OP, you are really so lucky.

You have a solid head on you and you are honest with yourself.

He is not in love with you and he undoubtedly has a wandering eye.

Whether he's the type to screw around is academic, what you do know is that he lacks any awareness or loyalty and is well capable of humiliating you and making a complete show of himself in public.

You deserve so much better.

I've met women like you through work or in my husbands company and have always asked the same thing "wtf is she doing with that sleaze", because he is, .......the twat that is prone to crushes, sniffing around other women and making a tit of himself as others cringe.

Ick is right.

Thank christ you have seen EXACTLY who he is in time and can extract yourself relatively painlessly.

Remaining with a liitle twerp like him would hollow you out and if you were my daughter I would be so proud of your pragmatism.

He's not good enough for you and he has been unfaithful 8 months in.

You are done.

As for your mother, sadly she is extraordinarily misguided and more than a little silly I think..

Tell her as little as suits you and take anything she says with a large pinch of salt.

If you can up and leave and cause him maximum surprise and humiliation, do it.

His behaviour ensures that you owe him absolutely nothing, certainly not your future.