husband's crush priority :(

[suze284]

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

I think this work situation is far more common than people realise. I’ve always worked in an office environment and I’ve seen so many colleagues ‘get close’ over coffee/lunch breaks/work
events etc. And honestly don’t be naive and think your husband would never do that, I’ve seen the most unlikely people do it.

I don’t think a crush on a work colleague is that unusual BUT it’s one think to find someone else attractive and another to allow it to become obvious to everyone else, including your wife.

I think you need to have a very open conversation before you decide what to do next.

Your post made me quite sad, to be honest.

Your husband really didn’t need to be told, he knew what he was doing and he clearly enjoyed it until you made it clear to him that you knew.

You're also putting the blame on the female and not your husband. Was she going after him? Maybe, probably, who knows. But he was the one who was married and he was lapping it up.

It isn’t appropriate to minimise the OPs feelings by saying that her “partner” is essentially a silly little boy who has forgotten his vows and needs a gentle reminder. He knows and he doesn’t give a fuck.

OP should mull it over and not make any decisions she regrets, of course, but she shouldn’t feel like this isn’t really his fault. It is his fault. He is fully conscious and aware of what he is doing.

You might have been able to forget and forgive what your husband did but I certainly couldn’t.

I resent the "only a man" thing. I agree with a PP that it's infantilising. The men in my life are human beings just like me - some may have more flaws than others, but it's not because they're men. Nothing about being a man precludes you from being faithful, honest, and decent.

What was her boyfriend doing when your husband was fawning over her like an obsessed teenager? He sounds really obvious! Surely this guy wasn't impressed?

OP, you need to stop rationalising his behaviour.

You are not cherished by this man, who has so little regard for you.

Like PP say, you can find a better man than this.

I dont think it’s normal to get a crush when you’re married. At all. For a fleeting attraction to progress to a crush you have to indulge it. And if you’re married why would you do that unless you don't care ? If he’s got to the point where he makes the crush obvious and embarrassing to his wife, then he’s got way past the point where spelling it out will make any difference. The woman involved doesn’t reciprocate - if she did, it would be an affair by now, and if his next crush gives him the green light he’ll be away. She can’t trust him. I’m not normally a fan of LTB in the first instance but I think the alternative is worse.

My bf (and his family) is far more emotionally intelligent than I am, and behaves far better than I do. My family in general is quite emotionally reactive and unaware.

We live up to the standards we've been conditioned to. From the time when men held all the power in the marriage, they've traditionally been encouraged / allowed to behave badly, so of course it's traditionally men who continue to behave poorly. But there's no proof that either gender is inherently emotionally stunted, or pre-disposed to behave like children.

In this case, unfortunately you took on the brunt of "re-training" your husband. In my case, my bf took on the brunt of "re-training" me. I think this responsibility should not fall on partners but parents in early childhood (and yourself once you have realised the pattern as an adult), but oh well.

The first half of this is just my own comment repeated back. Yes I know he has allowed himself to become infatuated and isn't protecting his marriage. That's why I said it.

OP hasn't already read him the riot act. She specifically says she instigated one conversation which happened immediately after the party and thinks that because she was so calm he doesn't realise how upset she actually is. She also says that in the previous 4 years of the relationship there were no red flags.

As for "what happens down the line", well the whole point of giving someone a final chance is that it's a final chance. His behaviour has been very marked and obvious. Presumably it will continue to be obvious to OP that he hasn't changed and hasn't invested in the marriage if that remains the case.

At the end of the day it's OP's marriage and she will be the one to decide if/when it's time to leave. Maybe she's already done and checked out which would be understandable. But equally maybe she will decide it's worth a second chance.

Reminds me of an ex I was with for a few years. We had been doing long distance for 10 months while he worked abroad - and the day after he was supposed to get back, I had organised a party with all his friends to welcome him home. He was aware of it, and seemed pleased with the the idea. A lot of work went in organising it and everyone was attending - co-ordinating his friends' availability, booking a venue, paying deposit, getting a cake etc. All of which he knew.

Over the 7 months, he started mentioning one colleague a lot. She was junior to him and initially I thought he saw her as a mentor might and thought it sweet he was so invested in her. Stupid me. Slowly became obvious that he actually liked her in a different sense, and was comparing me to her. Unfavourably. He had a bit of a saviour complex, and I think that's what brought the crush out.

Anyway, I questioned him about it once or twice, but he always denied it was a crush, and said he was just looking out for her. Interesting that he'd never 'looked out for' any of the young men he'd been managing.

The day before he was supposed to fly out, he told me he was delaying his return by a few days. Because his crush was having a birthday party and he didn't know when he'd see her again. That I could just have the party anyway as I knew all his friends, or cancel it and he'd reimburse me...

I insisted he come back as planned (also stupid idea), and he did. But he was in a mood the whole party and on his phone. So I snooped his phone and found that the last message he'd sent her was a very lovey dovey one wishing he could have been there with her and how much she meant to him blah blah. Tbf to her, there was no indication she had ever encouraged or responded in kind to him - seemed one sided from their convo.

We broke up the next day, with him still denying he had feelings for her, I never told him I'd seen his phone. 3 months later, he flew out there again to meet her (hahahaha) - not sure what happened but he returned still single. He's now married to someone else, and honestly I think he did what he did because he wasn't happy with me. And with the benefit of hindsight, we weren't a good match. He was just too immature to deal with it or communicate it.

I'd like to say your DH is going through a phase, but honestly I think this will happen a lot because if you're not on our best behaviour when newly wed, you'll never be. I'm so sorry.

OK. Your FIRST, and possibly only, mistake, was in telling him you weren't going to explain to him what he did wrong. SO many men are utterly clueless. However, in the telling, it is important to frame the situation as, "You looked like a love-sick calf to everyone there, and I was so embarrassed for you. If you tell them that they embarrassed you, they'll (90%) of the time tell you that you are being silly. Tell them that people were mentioning how silly they looked, and it is a whole different story.

As for the coming events...if you are actually at this point, tell him that he can either honor your obligation with your family, or go to her party, and leave with her, because he no longer has a place with you. But IF you choose to do this, you better back it up. Be very, very certain that this is what you want.

Enjoyed reading so many great posts guys. @billy1966 you made be laugh so much.

It’s not the worst situation in the world, even though it’s happening for real to you now. I like the idea of telling him how stupid and embarrassing he looks…ooooh it kinda warms my heart ♥️

Tell them that people were mentioning how silly they looked, and it is a whole different story.

teehee please 🙏 do it and tell us how he handles it

He will still claim she left him over “nothing”

🙄 (him - not you!)

4 months is nothing in the scheme of things... you could theoretically be married for 40 years.

If he's so artless he doesn't see what he's doing, I'd not be surprised if one day you're saying "so how did you 'mistakenly' screw her? Did you fall on her and oops??"

Op is a better person than me. My dh would have been out on his ear.
I would be ashamed of him and embarrassed ..

why am i the one suffering while he's like ah which event do i choose to go to ladida, never mind being afraid of losing a wife?!

This tells you everything you need to know.

He has humiliated you in public, embarrased you. You have told him you were upset. And then this?

There's no even a question here OP. You kick him out. If you don't you'll massively regret it later. Divorce while it's still easy (no assets/ kids). Listen to your self-respect and find somebody capable of respecting you back. Start again.

Are you on glue ?!! It doesn’t matter how old the marriage is. Have you actually read her posts ? He’s chasing around after another woman in full view of his wife, making her look a fool and feel like shit, and you have the audacity to question her love for him ? She’s not discarding him, she’s looking at his behaviour with a woman who is clearly not interested in him and asking herself what happens when he becomes infatuated with someone who gives him the green light. No one who has real love and respect for their life partner would behave like this away from them, let alone right in front of them. Stop trying to gaslight her into accepting that his behaviour is in any way acceptable.

I agree @Lovelysausagedogscrumpy , @Passthechocolatesplease post is astonishing. Perhaps they want women to be trampled on. Otherwise completely unfathomable. Stay with a man who disrespects you, even to your face in fromt of his colleagues, shamelessly doesn't even attekot to hide it, then continues this even after you've said it's upsetting and unacceptable? What kind of doormat would you have to be?!

I'm not sure that makes anybody better than you, quite the opposite: in these circumstances is it both the right and brave course of action to kick him out and slam the door behind him!

@suze284 You are doing far better than most in this.

I think you know you’re own worth and I hope you know that sharing an intimate life with someone who doesn’t value your inherent worth will be detrimental to everyone involved.

Because a partnership is just that. It’s not dragging someone around so that they stay on the right path… you deserve more.

I can promise anyone here that it’s better to be alone then to be constantly left feeling less than by some man.

I can also say that you are still in your prime and men of value will seek a woman of value like you.

Chuck this man out. It happens. He’s lowered you and he has also highlighted how other women he pines and prays for won’t have him! Ewwwwww!!! You’ll never recover from the ick of this man safe in the knowledge of you by his side STILL gets rejected!!! Ewwww!!!

Can you imagine his naked body with yours? Knowing he’s thinking of this or that? AND not a SOUL sis thinking of him? He’s trash.

Run, run hard and run swift. Grab what you can but get out. Plenty of these apologist women have let their husbands bother me and others like me. These men get more gross the older they get. Ickkkkkkk

Be the true one who got away and make your escape. Your mother gave you life and despite her I am hoping you will live it well on YOUR terms.

Supporter for cutting your losses here. I wish I had acted on red flags in both my marriages but I was not as wise as you and listened to advisors like your mother. This should be your honeymoon period, it's not going to get better. You're not tied financially or with children so go as if you were not married. Imagine if he's going to her leaving party hoping something might happen between them, just skip all the worry of him long distance calling & texting her etc. It's worse that she's not interested in him. His eyes should be firmly on you, his new wife, and supporting and attending your family event

OP, I’ve been where you are now. My partner and I moved cities and he was so excited about his new colleagues and declared “they actually like me!” (They were just being polite).

He ended up staying late at the office (which was completely unnecessary to his job) so he could eat dinner with a young female colleague. Suddenly he wants to break up. I then went through his phone and found some flirty texts but no history of texts - just a few back and forth (he had deleted them).

I then went through his work emails and found the trash bin. All of the emails were there. It was an emotional affair.

I ended up contacting her and she denied everything. It was completely over. He moved out and he is unable to keep a relationship since. His ex partner lives near me and I always thought he left me because I wasn’t pretty enough. But his ex partner is beautiful. She’s tall, blonde, tanned, blue eyes and fit. She likes doing outdoor activities and keeping fit and I always thought it was just me that he didn’t want. But he is incapable of keeping a relationship.

Have you talked to him? I would have spent yesterday evening explaining to him why he is behaving like an arse and telling him it's time to choose.

He’s a disrespectful arsehole. The fact you’ve been married for such a short period of time makes it worse. If he does that sort of thing in front of you I dread to think how he acts when you’re not around. Please ditch him. You deserve so much better. The good thing here is that you haven’t wasted too much time with him and there’s no children and no financial complications. Put it down to a bad experience and move on while you still can. He’s just not worth your time

Hi OP I've just remembered something else that's on a relevant theme to your post so I'll share it although frankly I'm deeply ashamed of it. When I was a teen was in a relationship and 18 months into it developed a huge crush on his friend and falsely implied to someone that I'd slept with his friend when of course I hadn't - I'd just had a few superficial convos with him, that was it. In time, my now ex boyfriend found out, was devastated and for a few days I felt like I was being ousted from the village at midnight with burning torches - well, figuratively anyway - those close to him bullied and humiliated me for a few days and .. tbh I probably deserved it.
I was at a very low point then so pleaded with him to take me back - which he did and 3 years later I ended it anyway as I had a HUGE crush on someone else - nothing happened between me and this crush and this time neither did I falsely imply anything had - but I ended it with my boyfriend anyway - he didn't take it well. The thing is OP I admit now I had very much a roving eye back then and our relationship ended ultimately.

I’m so sorry OP. Personally, I would see what decision he makes about the party/leaving do (with no comments or influence from you) and take it from there.

I really don’t understand why some people get married. My ExH had a long term affair with someone at work and much younger.

This affair started before she was married and continued after! She had a massive wedding to a guy she had been with for a number of years.

I really just don’t get it