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Original poster

husband's crush priority :(

342 replies

suze284 · 31/01/2023 15:55

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

OP posts:
heartbroken40 · 31/01/2023 15:59

This is so hurtful. Honestly two options

  1. Move out and find someone who loves you and doesn't have crushes. You've only been married a few months, this is outrageous
  2. Tell him - that it's clear he's infatuated and it's time to choose. Your family or her leaving do

Feels like your marriage is doomed, please don't get pregnant

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:04

heartbroken40 · 31/01/2023 15:59

This is so hurtful. Honestly two options

  1. Move out and find someone who loves you and doesn't have crushes. You've only been married a few months, this is outrageous
  2. Tell him - that it's clear he's infatuated and it's time to choose. Your family or her leaving do

Feels like your marriage is doomed, please don't get pregnant

thank you, yeah :(( i just want to flee but this is so stupid. she's living with someone, has no visible interest in my husband (or is better at hiding it!)
we don't have any children or assets...

OP posts:
Theresahippopotamusonourroofeatingcake · 31/01/2023 16:05

Really not ok. I wouldn't normally recommend an ultimatum but this feels like a time to be very clear about your expectations and what you will/won't put up with. Say that this is not up for negotiation and that his behaviour is unacceptable. Be prepared to walk away if necessary.

It won't make it easier later on if you let this slide now, make your boundaries clear.

Side note, I'm really impressed that you haven't put any blame on her at all. Im sure there is no blame on her part but it is very hard to rise above it and be objective like you have been. You deserve better and she deserves not to have a man making her feel uncomfortable in the workplace.

Inkpotlover · 31/01/2023 16:07

I would be so livid and hurt in your position, OP. It's so inappropriate at any point in a marriage, but you're newlyweds! He shouldn't be fawning over another woman so blatantly. You say she's not interested but what if the next one is and is prepared to act upon it? I don't know how you trust him now and I'd be making it clear that if he insists on going to the party he's putting your marriage in jeopardy.

TurtleTriplets · 31/01/2023 16:11

wow the actual cheek of him.

I think your original idea of moving out while he is away is a good one. Cut your losses now before you get in too deep.

RJnomore1 · 31/01/2023 16:12

Am I reading this right? You’ve been married 8 MONTHS and from the sound of it not been together that long before, maybe a few years?

Cut your ties. Get shot now. You can find someone who makes you the centre of their world. If he can’t do it at this point imagine 20 years later?

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:13

^ thank you both
you know, throughout most of my conscious life i've been puzzled by how people act in certain ways while thinking others around them are dumb or deaf or blind... i don;t even want to give an ultimatum or explain that this would put marriage in jeopardy, surely he must realise that? and with the flirting, same... i can't believe people don't handle themselves, he's not a child to have to have such things explained to him. he's educated (as am I and she), which doesn't immediately imply clever or emotionally mature, but some level of action->consequence or critical thinking is there, surely....??? i'm just so mad at this, and why am i the one suffering while he's like ah which event do i choose to go to ladida, never mind being afraid of losing a wife?!
idk maybe because his parents been married all his life, my own childhood was a mess so l've seen these things already? sorry rant

OP posts:
Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:15

RJnomore1 · 31/01/2023 16:12

Am I reading this right? You’ve been married 8 MONTHS and from the sound of it not been together that long before, maybe a few years?

Cut your ties. Get shot now. You can find someone who makes you the centre of their world. If he can’t do it at this point imagine 20 years later?

yes, together 4 years in total.
funnily no alarm bells before, he's not the going out type/many hookups etc.
maybe just the lockdown, stuck with me eh

OP posts:
Derbee · 31/01/2023 16:16

I’d leave to be honest. I’d be concerned about the lack of respect. A crush after a few months of marriage seems likely to lead to an actual affair a few years into marriage.

No way I’d trust him

Isthisexpected · 31/01/2023 16:18

This is him at his absolute best OP. Outrageous behaviour. I don't know what I'd do but could you try to get someone he respects to tell him he's lost the plot?

CockSpadget · 31/01/2023 16:20

He’s clearly shown you’re not the priority in his life, if you were he wouldn’t dream of humiliating you in such a way at that party. All I would be thinking now, is that he would probably jump at the chance of sleeping with this woman if the opportunity arose. Not the best start to married life.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 31/01/2023 16:20

Take the opportunity to call time on your marriage if he chooses the party where she will be....
And gather up your self respect and go see your family.

ShittyPeasantsFromHampshire · 31/01/2023 16:21

Married 8 months and he’s infatuated with someone else? And possibly pursuing them. Ugh, no.

Are you really and truly hopelessly in love with him? Because if you’re only in your early 30s and you’re currently childfree, I’d say cut all ties rather than wasting your best years on someone who doesn’t love you enough.

You deserve far better.

Ihavekids · 31/01/2023 16:25

Op if he's been decent up til now, perhaps consider that this really poor behavior is a bit of a freak out due to getting married? I'd say worth having a proper talk about this, ideally without you getting angry ( although I do feel you've every right to be ). Find a time you're both feeling neutral and bring it up and say you've noticed this behavior, why does he think it is, is he having second thoughts about the marriage etc.
Everyone on here is really quick with the Leave The Bastard, but you both decided to get married so must be worth trying to figure it out?
Totally out of order to miss the family do for this party though, he's way out of line.

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:26

thank you everyone... honestly, I feel like he's been the person who treated me best out of all the relationships I had (before the first party situation). and he didn't even gaslight me when i confronted him afterwards (lol the standards are low over here)
idk i just feel so low.... :( i mean i have a past and what-ifs and i feel that before the wedding i went through a sort of little grieving process to my not-really-exciting-really-but-poignant-to-me youth, before making that big commitment. and i felt bad for it...... and now i'm like what the hell, it's like not even clocked with hubby what a marriage is, has it;((((

OP posts:
Bonniegirlie · 31/01/2023 16:26

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, it's just apalling behaviour from him. It would be a dealbreaker for me I'm afraid, especially when you've been married such a short time.

Arou · 31/01/2023 16:28

Oh gosh I feel so bad for you 😣

It’s easier said than done but you deserve someone for whom you are their WORLD. It does not bode well that he is pining after someone who isn’t even visibly interested and still acting like a love sick puppy. Imagine when he meets someone who reciprocates. You deserve to be treated like a priority and you should not have to beg for it.

You have no kids, no assets… it’s so tough but just do it for yourself. You are so newly married too you should be all over each other, giddy, obsessed. It’s so sad and I’m so sorry x

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:33

Arou · 31/01/2023 16:28

Oh gosh I feel so bad for you 😣

It’s easier said than done but you deserve someone for whom you are their WORLD. It does not bode well that he is pining after someone who isn’t even visibly interested and still acting like a love sick puppy. Imagine when he meets someone who reciprocates. You deserve to be treated like a priority and you should not have to beg for it.

You have no kids, no assets… it’s so tough but just do it for yourself. You are so newly married too you should be all over each other, giddy, obsessed. It’s so sad and I’m so sorry x

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ thank you, you are so kind

OP posts:
Celinia · 31/01/2023 16:36

Your DH doesn’t get it, does he? He doesn’t think it’s hurtful or embarrassing or inappropriate. Sorry, but I think I’d be going to the family do by myself and leaving him to his infatuation. When the penny finally drops for him, I’d be long gone.

CantGetDecentNickname · 31/01/2023 16:37

Hi OP, very sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I'd say to go with your gut reaction and let him go and move out while he is gone.

If is isn't her, it will be someone else and he pretty much publicly humiliated you, yet she doesn't even seem interested! The next one may be interested in which case he is looking to cheat, which is awful so early in your married life. If you do decide to stay with him, he will at least realise how bad his behaviour has been. If he cannot see this (and it is looking as though he cannot) then you will be well rid.

1cupofmilk · 31/01/2023 16:40

I would tell him you want him to come with you, but you can't make the decision for him and I would'nt give permission for him not to come. If he then chooses not to come he is giving you the biggest sign ever that he's not invested in your marriage. I'd then get rid while you're only 8 months in.

blackbeardsballsack · 31/01/2023 16:41

It's unbelievable that he even said out loud that he would prefer to go and hang out with his female colleague. If this is what he is happy to say out loud directly to you, I can't imagine what he's thinking. Or how he behaves when you aren't around. Even if he is forced to go to your family thing, you'll still know that he actually wanted to be with this woman so it wouldn't solve the issue. Or his next stupid infatuation. I know we are always getting told off for saying that women should leave their husbands, but some of them really do give no reasons to stay.

ZaphodDent · 31/01/2023 16:41

Regardless of the current situation...you've now learned that your husband is quite vulnerable to crushes on other women. Not only that, he's so crippled by them he doesn't realise his behaviour is inappropriate.

Crushes are in many ways very natural. The instinctive chemical reaction to an attractive person is evolutionary. The thing is to recognise it and take action to avoid it becoming something worse. Men with a degree of maturity and morals know to steer clear and keep boundaries. Your DH sounds underdeveloped in this area. Is he immature in other social skills? He doesn't seem to know he has a weakness. Maybe it's the first time this kind of thing has happened and he just doesn't get it? Maybe the intensity of the crush has confused him? Men can do really daft things when under the influence of oxytocin and dopamine.

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:41

i'd have to wait like 4 months to file for divorce though..... i just keep thinking if we were just dating i'd be gone

OP posts:
Noonesperfect · 31/01/2023 16:42

1cupofmilk · 31/01/2023 16:40

I would tell him you want him to come with you, but you can't make the decision for him and I would'nt give permission for him not to come. If he then chooses not to come he is giving you the biggest sign ever that he's not invested in your marriage. I'd then get rid while you're only 8 months in.

Yes this ☝️. It's his decision, he knows how you feel and if he chooses her, he's showing you who he is.

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