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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband's crush priority :(

342 replies

suze284 · 31/01/2023 15:55

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

OP posts:
Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 31/01/2023 17:37

i'd have to wait like 4 months to file for divorce though..... i just keep thinking if we were just dating i'd be gone

It’s said a lot on here, but it’s true - when someone shows you who they really are, believe them. He’s puppy dogging after this woman actually in your presence and even though he knows she has no interest in him. As others have pointed out, if he’ll do this in front of you 8 months into your marriage, imagine what he’d do a couple of years down the line with someone who does reciprocate.

You’ve said that if you were just dating you’d be gone. I know it’s much harder to end a marriage, but you know now that he’s prone to crushes and you must suspect he would be quite prepared to act on them if given the green light. He’s shown you who he is and I think you need to consider ending it now, while things are relatively simple to sort out and before children are brought into the equation.

If you’re in any doubt ask yourself a question - having seen the way he has behaved in this instance, is there anything he can say to you to reassure you that this will never happen again and that you have no reason not to trust him ? If you don’t give him even tacit permission to go to this womans’ leaving do, but instead make it clear his place is with you at the family celebration, then if he decides she is more important, you have your answer. So sorry this is happening to you.💐

Worriedlip · 31/01/2023 17:38

Maybe they’re just mates. Like the equivalent of a bromance, I’ve had intense short relationships like that but I didn’t fancy them. Just thought they were great!

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 17:39

Worriedlip · 31/01/2023 17:38

Maybe they’re just mates. Like the equivalent of a bromance, I’ve had intense short relationships like that but I didn’t fancy them. Just thought they were great!

Confused
MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 31/01/2023 17:39

In your shoes I'd be heading for the door. It's unacceptable at any stage of a relationship - in the early years it's a massive red flag.

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 17:41

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 17:35

Most of us have met men like this, I feel so sad for you. It won’t get better and there will be someone else next time.

he wants to go to the party as he’s hoping to get with her. The fact she’s a boyfriend makes no difference to him. They don’t think that way. He’s thinking he can set something up, he won’t let you take his last chance away.

I recall once ar a company event hosting some clients, and on the table I was hosting one man outrageously flirting with me, I recall looking shocked at his wife, as I couldn’t grasp how he could do it so publicly In front of her and she just sat there saying fuck all . I was not remotely encouraging it.

when I left he came running after me, walked me down the stairs. His poor wife walking ten paces behind. I was married with a little child and he knew. Didn’t care.

and yes he ultimately made a pass. Several. He was very persistent, I’ve seen it so many times with different men and women and feel pity for the wife, but more I can’t get my head round how they just sit there and take the humiliation of it.

omg that sounds horrendous..... :(((((((
at the first party in my case I let him to it, when i happened to be in the same circle as him and her, and felt the gazing was too much, i'd just excuse myself... go to the loo for 15min :D at one point later in the evening she walked up to me started chatting and immediately dh jumped up and joined us. otherwise he was happy to let me stand by myself lmao. i said oh look Bob's coming! so he could her. the friend remarked that wow he won't let her talk to me without him there. he used it just as an excuse to talk to her more, i kinda drifted out of that convo too

OP posts:
Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 17:43

Worriedlip · 31/01/2023 17:38

Maybe they’re just mates. Like the equivalent of a bromance, I’ve had intense short relationships like that but I didn’t fancy them. Just thought they were great!

before the first party i thought so. the way he looked at her was different.
i have bro mates, they're very old and established but still... . and we never looked at each other gazingly and/or prioritised them over current partners.

OP posts:
Twawmyarse2 · 31/01/2023 17:44

Worriedlip · 31/01/2023 17:38

Maybe they’re just mates. Like the equivalent of a bromance, I’ve had intense short relationships like that but I didn’t fancy them. Just thought they were great!

And the award for daftest answer goes to…

Backstreets · 31/01/2023 17:44

Absolutely embarrassing behavior from your husband. It's the sort of thing you might expect after 20 years of marriage and a midlife crisis, not eight months into it. Ugh

Justmeandthedog1 · 31/01/2023 17:45

Following a work colleague around like a puppy sounds so terribly unattractive, would immediately give me the ick.
And he could repeat this at any time, with anyone.
I’d be planning how to leave while he’s away and not invite him to my leaving do.

SoIAmGlad · 31/01/2023 17:45

OP, it’s clear neither of you is terribly invested in the other. He’s had his head turned and is behaving like a teenager who thinks his crush on his oblivious maths teacher isn’t detectable by the outside world, and you’re absolutely ready to end your marriage at the first major issue.

I don’t in fact blame you — I think, in your shoes, it’s his total lack of emotional intelligence that would be bothering me. He does sound immature and a bit dopey, and his behaviour is a real turn off. I’d think very seriously about whether you think there’s anything at all worth staying and fighting for, before calling time. And if there isn’t, on reflection, don’t hang about.

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 17:47

Justmeandthedog1 · 31/01/2023 17:45

Following a work colleague around like a puppy sounds so terribly unattractive, would immediately give me the ick.
And he could repeat this at any time, with anyone.
I’d be planning how to leave while he’s away and not invite him to my leaving do.

ikr!!! the ick!!!! just seeing him looking around twisting his neck right past me to her!!! dear lord
hahaha i'll have a housewarming party :)

OP posts:
pompei8309 · 31/01/2023 17:48

suze284 · 31/01/2023 16:15

yes, together 4 years in total.
funnily no alarm bells before, he's not the going out type/many hookups etc.
maybe just the lockdown, stuck with me eh

Show quote history

So you got a bit lucky there, imagine how worse the whole situation would have been if she was to be interested in your husband ? nobody guarantees that the next girl he will have a crush on won’t respond. Couldn’t live like this so definitely LTB before is getting messier

Anon778833 · 31/01/2023 17:48

You sound lovely, OP. You deserve so much better than this.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 31/01/2023 17:49

at one point later in the evening she walked up to me started chatting and immediately dh jumped up and joined us. otherwise he was happy to let me stand by myself lmao.

Why did he jump up when she came to chat to you ? Was it an opportunity to talk to her himself, or was it that he was scared she would let something slip ? I really don’t want to make you feel worse, but there are red flags all over the place.

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 17:49

SoIAmGlad · 31/01/2023 17:45

OP, it’s clear neither of you is terribly invested in the other. He’s had his head turned and is behaving like a teenager who thinks his crush on his oblivious maths teacher isn’t detectable by the outside world, and you’re absolutely ready to end your marriage at the first major issue.

I don’t in fact blame you — I think, in your shoes, it’s his total lack of emotional intelligence that would be bothering me. He does sound immature and a bit dopey, and his behaviour is a real turn off. I’d think very seriously about whether you think there’s anything at all worth staying and fighting for, before calling time. And if there isn’t, on reflection, don’t hang about.

That sounds like some fucking weird -as weird passive aggressive attempt to get her to take that shit.

she’s not to blame. She shouldn’t need to take this.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 31/01/2023 17:50

Twawmyarse2 · 31/01/2023 17:44

And the award for daftest answer goes to…

Show quote history

Yep, that wins the internet for today ladies and gentlemen !!

Highfivemum · 31/01/2023 17:51

i Am sorry but if he is doing this after 8 months he needs and you need to have a serious talk. I wish you well but don’t be a fool

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 17:52

SoIAmGlad · 31/01/2023 17:45

OP, it’s clear neither of you is terribly invested in the other. He’s had his head turned and is behaving like a teenager who thinks his crush on his oblivious maths teacher isn’t detectable by the outside world, and you’re absolutely ready to end your marriage at the first major issue.

I don’t in fact blame you — I think, in your shoes, it’s his total lack of emotional intelligence that would be bothering me. He does sound immature and a bit dopey, and his behaviour is a real turn off. I’d think very seriously about whether you think there’s anything at all worth staying and fighting for, before calling time. And if there isn’t, on reflection, don’t hang about.

yeah i get you about running away at the first issue, i wrote here trying in part to figure out if i'm flighty for little reason, or not.... idk does this need explaining to him? we had a conversation already after the party. and i didn't stay mad afterwards. i thought that's a bit strong of me... how much more 'work' do i have to put in not to become completely ridiculous and a pushover? enough that i don't feel regret years down the line that i didn't 'try' hard enough? as i mentioned, i have a past and what-ifs and some surprises after my wedding which, now this is all going downhill, i wish i knew about... anyway, i respect my dh enough not to dish all this out or chase after men in public.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 31/01/2023 17:54

?m@Ihavekids I'd say worth having a proper talk about this, ideally without you getting angry ( although I do feel you've every right to be ).

i disagree, I believe the OP needs to Get angry, get mad at him. This man is either an asshole or completely clueless. This stuff is not something she should be tip toeing around.

Mix56 · 31/01/2023 17:54

I think you should tell him, that this friend is leaving & so are you.
He just won the Joker

ShittyPeasantsFromHampshire · 31/01/2023 17:54

I think running away at the first issue, when the first issue is your brand new spouse making it clear they're wholly infatuated with someone else, is wise.

haironmychin · 31/01/2023 17:54

suze284 · 31/01/2023 17:07

i'm serious... she thought he was lagging with the engagement, told me to 'just get pregnant' and they'll help with the money. when i left my previous abusive relationship, dude was threatening to start beating me, she told me he's just joking. i'm completely serious, i love the memory of her when i was a child, she was a protective mother and gave me everything she could but since my early 20s something clicked in her, i don't share too much of my life, just 'everything is well, mum'.

Show quote history

Well definitely don't listen, that's terrible advice!!!

Coolheadedbird · 31/01/2023 17:54

I think running away at the first issue, when the first issue is your brand new spouse making it clear they're wholly infatuated with someone else, is wise.

AMEN

Original poster
suze284 · 31/01/2023 17:55

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 31/01/2023 17:49

at one point later in the evening she walked up to me started chatting and immediately dh jumped up and joined us. otherwise he was happy to let me stand by myself lmao.

Why did he jump up when she came to chat to you ? Was it an opportunity to talk to her himself, or was it that he was scared she would let something slip ? I really don’t want to make you feel worse, but there are red flags all over the place.

i thought that too... but idk she seems completely uninterested... she's around him like she's around other people. he's special around her. i think she loves her bf too, but who am i to get in her head

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 31/01/2023 17:56

Sorry OP but he needs to go. Whether he goes to your family's party or her leaving do is irrelevant.

You've seen how he behaves around her, and that's after only 8 months of being married. History will repeat itself and you'll never be quite sure when it's going to be the next time or whether you can trust him. That's no way to live.

asked what was he doing that's inappropriate

That's just asking you to give him some examples so that he can turn it on you, that you're being stupid, don't you trust him?... He knows exactly what he was doing, and he knows you know. So if you don't end the relationship now he'll take it as a green light to carry on dong it, and knowing he can get out of it by making you the bad one.