husband's crush priority :(

[suze284]

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

yes, i thought that as well
but she's been in a relationship since the start with a very visible boyfriend... what the heck

If it is not this one, it will be the next. Time to end the marriage before he does.

can i ask you a practical question: did you go to a solicitor because you had joint assets? i just looked on the gov website, i didn't think a solicitor might be needed... we don;t even have a joint bank account.

In my case OP, we didn't have much at all. We were renting, and had very few joint items. So basically what was his he took, what was mine, I kept. This was over 20 years ago: I could probably have done it Myself, but I wasn't in the best state mentally, and also I wanted to make sure that it was done and dusted correctly, and that there would be no come back in the future: I knew that I would always have more money than him and didn't want him turning up, trying to get money from me (I paid for pretty much everything throughout our marriage).

I am married with two children now, there are decent men out there. Don't sell yourself short

thank you!!

ok yeah thank you... we split bills, i think i buy more physical stuff for the house, my car was mine before marriage...

Bloody hell, this is awful, and it'll get worse. Wait until she'd left and he's moping around like a heartbroken teenager expecting you to wipe away his tears. He needs to grow the fuck up.

A similar thing happened to a close relative of mine. The difference was they had been married a few years and had 2 kids. Her dh suddenly developed a massive crush on a new work colleague. She had a bf, but flirted with all the men at work. He obviously loved the attention and couldn't shut up about her at home. She came to his birthday do with her bf and it was so obvious to everyone that he was besotted with her. She even flirted with his married friend at the party, who looked horrified. I think that was just her personality. In the end his wife had it out with him, demanded to know if anything had happened (he swore nothing had) and told him his behaviour was unacceptable and that he was going to lose everything. He came to his senses and they are still happily married. I suppose it was just a blip in their marriage, he was bored and she showed him attention and he developed a crush on her. I'd have to have it out with him, tell him the damage he is doing to your marriage, let him know how serious this is. You deserve better and it would worry me that his head has been turned so early on in your marriage.

Bloody hell. He sounds like a complete tool.

I wouldn’t put up with this, it’d be a goodbye from me if dh showed me such little respect. I mean, what on earth is he thinking? He’s not even trying to be discreet about the fact he clearly fancies the pants off this woman? And you’ve been married only 8 months? Good grief - he didn’t take long to show his true colours did he?

Ghey usually wait until you’ve got a bun in the oven so at least you have that in your favour - if you do stay with him make sure your contraception is iron-clad (though how on earth you could sleep with him again I don’t know.)

I would be concerned that he had been fantasising about his crush when you were intimate.
Your dp is an idiot

@suze284

You sound really really lovely OP. You are worth a million of him. Move on and find your own self worth.
I literally have no words to describe what I think of him.

His incredibly idiotic behaviour is no reflection on you.

Dump before you get preggers and he drags you down in his out of low self esteem that needs this constant boosting.

Stuff him.

KNOW YOUR WORTH OP.

You deserve better.
He is a dickhead.

There’s definitely something wrong with his listening/comprehension skills - you told him you were hurt by the way he acted around this colleague and now he’s whining that he wants to go to her party and will never see her again.
He’s like a clueless child except because he’s a grown up, it’s incredibly hurtful and off putting.

He's treating you like a mate.

Don't influence his choice, but base yours on his. If you would walk out on this behaviour normally, then don't let your wedding ring become a shackle where you tolerate less than you deserve.

With luck he'll see the light in time and come crawling back to you. Up to you if you still want him though.

You shouldn’t have to OP, but you absolutely need to set some boundaries now. Explain to him exactly what he’s done so he knows which behaviour is innapropriate. He clearly has a crush on this women but maybe he thinks because neither party would act on it that it’s innocent so doesn’t understand how he is behaving is not ok.

He should be putting distance between the himself and the other woman, he is married and it is disrespectful to you. Of course people are allowed to like the opposite sex, but to behave in such a way is a no no.

I think if you have nothing to lose regarding assets or kids together, I think I'd just leave him. You deserve so much better than this OP!

Even if this dies down once she's gone, what happens next time an attractive woman comes along and pays him a bit of attention? He's made it very clear with his actions that you're not enough for him and I think if the feelings had been reciprocated both ways, he'd be off. Don't wait for next time, find a real man!

A decent man would be proud to have you by his side a party and he would be showing you off, not chasing after someone else. Ugh! Makes me so angry for you 😤

Wow, fuck that for game of soldiers. What the hell is he playing at?!

I’d tell him quite calmly and without cajoling in either way that he needs to decide (not an ultimatum) which event he is going to. What he decides is what will inform your next move.

If he chooses to go to the leaving do, I’d honestly ltb, and I’m not usually one for saying that, but honestly FUCK THAT SHIT.

This. Definitely this.
Let him choose where his loyalties lie, then act accordingly.

He’s already chosen where his loyalties are and they’re not with you op, you’re his wife- you should be his absolute number one. Don’t listen to your Mum, take the steps and move out. Tell him he’s welcome to chase after her but you’re done.

Whilst he is being a twat, get copies of all joint things and what assets you both have so you have all the info you need if you decide to leave. Copies of marriage certificate etc.

Don't tell him he can or can't go. Let him decide for himself. Tell him you will level it to his conscience. Defo move out whilst he is at the party if he goes.

I believe in free will, but I also believe that behaviour has consequences. If he goes, the consequence should be, that he is dumped by you. You can't put a price on your own dignity and self respect.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you. He might not even be aware of how much he is hankering after this woman but it is glaringly obvious. I can't imagine how hurtful this is for you.

Has he come grovelling at your feet apologising yet because he's realised what an absolutely pants on head stupid thing that was to say to you?

Let him choose where his loyalties lie, then act accordingly.

He has already made it obvious-and to the Op that they aren't with her!

Most of us have met men like this, I feel so sad for you. It won’t get better and there will be someone else next time.

he wants to go to the party as he’s hoping to get with her. The fact she’s a boyfriend makes no difference to him. They don’t think that way. He’s thinking he can set something up, he won’t let you take his last chance away.

I recall once ar a company event hosting some clients, and on the table I was hosting one man outrageously flirting with me, I recall looking shocked at his wife, as I couldn’t grasp how he could do it so publicly In front of her and she just sat there saying fuck all . I was not remotely encouraging it.

when I left he came running after me, walked me down the stairs. His poor wife walking ten paces behind. I was married with a little child and he knew. Didn’t care.

and yes he ultimately made a pass. Several. He was very persistent, I’ve seen it so many times with different men and women and feel pity for the wife, but more I can’t get my head round how they just sit there and take the humiliation of it.

nope

thank you everyone <3
I suspect he's maybe forgotten the first situation? i think a dog i had as a child had more behind the eyes when he was naughty