husband's crush priority :(

[suze284]

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

What a silly man. I’m afraid he will just do this again and again.

I’d pack his bags and give no fucks about it. You deserve better.

I’m so sorry you’re being treated like this. He really should want to prioritise you over a colleague at work. Leaving parties can be a good chance to have fun with colleagues but it’s bad luck - you already have plans with family - end of. Considering the way he acted previously with this girl, I would be very hurt and comfortable with his protesting; I’m sorry he’s doing that. Also, trust your gut regarding his feelings for this woman. It doesn’t sound like he isn’t mature enough to be married. Can he really not see the bigger picture here? What is more important?

I was once in a situation where my ex asked me to wait for him after work on a Friday night (we would often go grab a couple of drinks or dinner on a Friday). At the last minute he said he was popping to some leaving drinks (ok, fine). I was a little miffed he hadn’t asked me along as I was waiting on his request, but assumed he would be quick. After waiting over a hour, I asked if I should just go home. He didn’t respond for another hour and then said ‘yeah ok, I’ll see you tomorrow’. At that point I was so annoyed, but I had suggested it…so I went home. The following day I mentioned how strange that he hadnt just invited me along to the leaving drinks, considering I was in the city waiting for him and he had come along to countless of my after work drinks (I was yet to meet anyone from his work and we’d been together 18 months). I can’t remember his excuses but they didn’t make sense and I got more and more distressed and uncomfortable (my intuition going crazy) and only when I said I was going home did he finally admit….. ‘sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have gone, it was a meal for a girl at work who is inlove with me and has been for years and it wasn’t appropriate to invite me’ …. So his plan all along was to go for dinner in secret, and meet me after.. but dinner must have been longer than he expected. I just couldn’t make sense of it, if he was going to lie why didn’t he just tell me he was busy that night 😂 to have me waiting around so precious man child was never without his attention from ‘inlove colleague’ or me… He was almost 40 years old FFS.

Ultimately, he prioritised some girl at work… doesn’t work for me! He’s now with a far far younger girl.

exactly, i refused to expand on it. he's no idiot.
he also asked me to clarify who i was talking to!!! he was like- first name? first name, surname ? i literally SNORTED.

I hope the crushes BF looks like Mariano de Vaio and your STBEXH looks like Norman Wisdom and he's got no chance. No offence intended OP, as you are too good for the idiot either way.

Sounds like you know what you need to do. I'm sorry he turned out to be a total waste of time, it can't feel great 8 months into marriage. At least you've found out before kids and shared assets.

Cut your losses, OP. I have a friend who ignored her husband's infidelity early in their marriage and he ultimately left her for a woman decades younger than himself. Divorce this twat and find someone worth being married to.

@chocolatebrownie123

omg that is so so wild.... didn't want to hurt her, did he.... omg ew

Don’t be second best , I would finish the marriage and find someone who truly loves you .

The thing I'd have great difficulty with is the fact he done this in front of me.

that's so disrespectful, that's what would really hurt.

What an arsehole treating you like that.

"i don;t think he's underdeveloped, he reads about psychology... which makes it funnier in a way. maybe it's one of those situations that you can see from a distance but when it's happening to you issh hits the fan."

OP- I can read a book about making a chocolate gateaux but it will still look like a turd when I make it because I have no actual skills.

He can read all he likes but it sounds like he doesn't have any actual perception regarding how he is behaving/making you feel.

Well said.
OP, I hope he comes to his senses. He’s behaving like a teenager, embarrassing himself like this, and his behaviour is very unprofessional towards his colleague as well as completely disrespectful towards you. I’d be make it clear that you expect him to come with you to your family event - a colleague’s leaving do doesn’t take priority over a family event in my book.
If he doesn’t, I don’t think there’s any reason to stay in this marriage. I’m very sorry - he’s been an idiot.

Do you have comprehension difficulties? I say quite plainly that if she’s certain there’s nothing to stay for, she shouldn’t hang around and should call time on the marriage.

I don’t think I could respect someone who did something like that.

Love sometimes comes back and people can be stronger for it.

Respect goes and from bitter experience you never look at someone with the same eyes ever again. I think once you lose respect for someone you are doomed.

You should be his priority. And he is risking everything you have for what is essentially a crush. He is a fool and he’s be getting proper telt.

You deserve better.

As for the leaving do v family do?

i wouldn’t want someone there under sufferance. He has made his priorities quite clear with the whining stuff.

Be glad in a way that he’s shown you who he is after only 8 months of marriage. I mean, you spoke to him after the party, but still he can’t help himself and wants to go see her rather than your own family.

I dont think she should tip toe, agreed. But I strongly feel she needs a serious talk about this, not least because if and when she leaves she's going to need to understand what the hell happened.
I think he's freaked out about being married. I think he's sabotaging. He's picked someone unavailable for this crush and made no effort to hide it. He hasn't actually had an affair, just behaved like an arse.
If I got divorced everytime I behaved like an arse, I'd be... well... divorced.
It's worth a calm discussion. That discussion may well end in op realizing this guy just isn't the right man for her, yes, but still a discussion. They're married, not dating.

Please leave.
I married a man who can’t control himself when he gets the panting dog tongue for another woman.
I’ve been shamed and humiliated over and over and over again in front of friends and family, all sorts.
He always acted like either he didn’t know what the fuck I was referring to when I called it out or that somehow it wasn’t his fault (even blaming me at one point)

Because he hasn’t shagged these women over the years (at least one not for the want of trying though!) it felt an overreaction to leave but it’s brought out the worst in me at times and I’m broken inside.
30 years of feeling not good enough despite being fairly attractive, intelligent, sexually enthusiastic and available etc

Don’t be me. Leave now. I wish I had when he showed me who his is the first time. I will never get my life back and now I’m just sad and resentful I didn’t see my own value sooner.

:((((((( I'm so sorry to hear that

Some men are never happy with what they've got. They could be with the most gorgeous, smartest, funniest woman and it still wouldn't be enough. They always think that the grass is greener. Unfortunately your husband sounds like one of those men. The stupid thing is that if by some miracle he ever actually got with this colleague, the novelty would probably wear off pretty quick. He's put her on a pedestal and idealised her but if he was in a relationship with her he'd soon realise that she has bad traits like everybody else on the planet and he'd eventually get bored and start looking for the next shiny new thing.

The damage is already done now in a way because you will always feel second best and your self esteem will take a massive hit.
Leave and find someone who always thinks you're the most fabulous person in any room💐

I'd find this incredibly hurtful OP. I was told off by my ex for looking at this guy in a pub who we both knew as an acquaintance on Xmas Eve once when I was a teen. I admit it was wrong of me but this is more extreme

I would usually say stick with it, talk it out but it’s pointless as he seems to have an EI deficit.
He doesn’t seem to have the first idea of emotional affairs etc. Save your breath .

Thank the Lord you have no children together, and can cut your losses now. It’s a blessing.
Tell your mother to take up fostering and butt out of your life.

Your dh is a massive disappointment but better to know now op.

To be honest OP I'm really surprised her partner didn't pick up on his behaviour on the works evening outing and say something!

What makes you think the OP is ready to end the marriage at the first major issue ? She’s putting up with shit from her husband of 8 months, who is effectively cuckolding her. He’s the one who’s not invested in her, or their marriage - if he’s developed a crush after 8 months it seems to me he’s already got one foot out of the relationships. The OP is not in any way to blame for this. It’s not a ‘major issue’, it’s a marriage ending issue.

OP I was cringing reading about DH behaviour. He's horrid. I think if he got the green light from her he'd be on her like a magnet. I felt so sad reading your post.

You mentioned if you were dating you'd be gone. Well, I'd be gone too.

You have the rest of your life.

There’s no mention of love in your posts from either side… do you love him? Even if his behaviour is a blip, it’s very worrying and I think shows he’s not trustworthy. If your alarm bells are ringing, listen to them. Good luck xxxx