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Original poster

Do you trust your husband?

153 replies

mummaontheskoolrun · 30/01/2023 17:23

I'm having a few trust issues with my husband.

I'm anxious when he's on his phone/what's app. I'm fully aware these are my issues.

We have kids, house and a life together so it's not as easy to walk away as some people will suggest.

I'm asking out of interest how many women fully trust their husbands?

I'm scared he's messaging women from work. We had a rough time a few years ago when he was messaging a colleague and I found out. He swore nothing crossed the line and they were just friends but it didn't sit well with me and it made me quite ill mentally ( DH doesn't really know to the extent if effected me )

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
HamBone · 30/01/2023 23:20

But he can never really know that 100%. Trusting me is a choice he makes and one that I respect because I love him.

@GreyCarpet That sums it up really, we all make choices about whether to trust and be trustworthy ourselves. Everyone in LTR's will have opportunities with other people, I've had several in over 20 years, and I've chosen not to take them. I think DH is the same.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/01/2023 23:38

Well I did 100% - until I didn't. The most unlikely men to cheat are often the very ones who do- not necessarily full on physical affairs but inappropriate texting or emotional affairs etc. I think sometimes it's the fact that someone else is interested and their ego perks up .

SuperHandss · 30/01/2023 23:41

mummaontheskoolrun · 30/01/2023 17:59

Is it ok to message a colleague of the opposite sex?

I'm a very jealous person and it doesn't sit well with me.

How do others feel about it?

Yes. I have male workmates who I message occasionally.

I trust my OH completely.

Has something else happened?

iamenough2023 · 30/01/2023 23:42

I am very impressed with all the posters saying that they trust their partners 100%. I do not believe that any human being is perfect, so chances are that under the right circumstances each of us could falter.

I think that best we could do is hope that they will not, but trusting someone 100% will only hurt more afterwards.

Thewookiemustgo · 31/01/2023 00:24

I learned the hard way that you can never trust anyone 100% and it is unwise to do so. Those saying “would never” or “it doesn’t enter my head” and that you are each other’s world and you can’t imagine him ever doing something like that to you…. I was you for 35 years. Amount of faithful time together, happy times together, very few rows, etc etc mean absolutely nothing in the face of infidelity. Just as I never, ever imagined my husband would cheat, I’d have bet my house on it, he never thought he’d be ‘that guy’ until he was.
Not everyone will cheat, of course not, but you can’t and shouldn’t completely and utterly trust your partner. By that I don’t mean you should be suspicious and on alert constantly, that’s no relationship at all, but never dismiss a gut feeling or an odd event/ answer, just because “he wouldn’t….he couldn’t possibly….” because you become unquestioning, you become blind, (not the same as turning a blind eye) you take things at face value which actually require more explanation on further scrutiny.
No, this isn’t very romantic and soul-matey and only in my own personal experience, but I would never advise anyone to hand over blind trust and carry absolute beliefs about anyone. People can and do screw up and do things that neither you (nor they) thought they were capable of. It’s mind blowing and totally de-stabilising to have a belief system blown out of the water, but 100% trust which is based on the belief that an individual would never, ever etc is a belief system which is risky and unwise and based on a human being, and in the right circumstances human beings can be fallible.
We are all fallible, imperfect beings trying to do our best. We don’t get it right every time, not one of us, we are all capable of acting out of character. All of us.

Shoxfordian · 31/01/2023 05:15

I trust my husband but he’s never done anything to make me doubt him and I know how much he loves me. It sounds like you don’t trust yours for a reason op, he’s messaged other women before

Wallywobbles · 31/01/2023 05:40

I trust him more than I trust myself. But I'm aware that things can change. He's a good bloke. But even good blokes can cheat.

MusicWithRocksIn · 31/01/2023 05:52

I trust my DH 100%. He's totally commited, clearly adores me & the DC and has never given me any reason to doubt him. He has female friends, including colleagues that he chats too and sometimes sees out of work.

SecretSophie · 31/01/2023 05:56

I believe my OH probably won't cheat but trust isn't how I'd describe it. I did have that wonderful blind trust, back at the start but that was lost for a number of reasons, specifically lack of boundaries with an ex which I never got all the facts about but chose to stay.
That was a long time ago and we have a wonderful life and I love our relationship, but trust is like a burst bubble, you can't get it back. You just have to choose whether to believe them or not.

CamilleRose · 31/01/2023 06:02

I do trust my husband 100% but at the same time I don’t take him for granted, I know what we have is great and it’s important to keep the fire lit. Out of the two of us he is the one who might get a bit insecure, like I was part of a Discord server when I was recovering from cancer. I had never bothered much with social media but I kinda stumbled into the group of strangers and we all had a really good laugh, in fact they wanted me to be a mod but I didn’t have the time. But one guy was really hilarious and we would end up sharing lots of stupid jokes, mostly in public on the server but sometimes in the PMs. Eventually though, I was definitely wasting too much time on there, I think it was basically a coping mechanism at a time of stress.

But my husband eventually got concerned and pretty upset when he realized I was getting on so well with one guy in particular who was a lot younger than me. I didn’t cross any inappropriate boundaries but I wasn’t definitely putting time and energy into what was basically just an online social group. My husband asked me to leave the server and I realized I was hurting his feelings and putting quite a lot of emotion into it. So I agree with him, said goodbye and wiped my account and haven’t been back in since. I apologized to DH for putting a bunch of emotional energy elsewhere (because it was definitely becoming somewhat of an addiction as I was having so much fun).

As a result my husband hit the gym and now is in the best shape of his life! I kind of feel bad that he felt insecure because of my behavior and I definitely don’t want him to feel that he has anything to worry about. We have been married 25 yrs and are very happy. It’s obviously so easy to cheat or take attention away from your spouse with all the temptations of social media etc. and my husband was right when his gut told him I was putting too much emotional energy elsewhere. Our marriage has just got even better as we do appreciate each other so much. Both partners should be making an effort to put each other first and not do things that make their spouse uncomfortable and doubt their loyalty to the marriage.

Flashingtealights · 31/01/2023 06:15

I don’t trust anyone 100%, not friends , not family, not husband.
I’ve seen so many posts on here from people claiming their spouse/ partner would NEVER cheat on them, until they discover that actually they have been cheated on, sometimes for months or years. Once you put absolute and total trust in another person you are making yourself very vulnerable. Nope, that’s not going to happen to me

BlueSlate · 31/01/2023 06:56

A cautionary tale...

I was married. My ex husband cheated which finished us off.

I'd known him for 20 years since we were at school together.

There were navy times during the relationship where I'd had opportunity to cheat. I became (and still am) a master of deflection and rejection. No one even looked twice at him for various reasons.

He always used to say I'd be more likely to cheat than him- not that he thought I would - he believed I wouldn't- but I had many opportunities whilst he had none.

He was one of those "I can trust him 100% implicitly" "never looks at another woman" men.

Then he got a new hobby, new confidence, attracted new interest...

It's easier to get away with it or for it to creep up on the people who are trusted implicitly 100% because no one is watching or questioning them...

Benjispruce4 · 31/01/2023 06:58

Oh I’m always aware. I never take DH for granted.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 31/01/2023 07:06

I trust him about 98%. I trusted by ex husband 100% and where they got me was a man that had two affairs.
I love my DH and it's a very different relationship but sadly I don't think you can ever say never anymore.

Sunriseinwonderland · 31/01/2023 07:10

I trusted my husband 100% for 20 years until he dumped me for another woman and ran off when I was seriously ill. I dont trust anyone now.

Icequeen01 · 31/01/2023 08:15

My DH has two female friends that he goes to concerts with occasionally as I don't like the same music as him. I call them his harem 😀 Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I am always getting texts from male colleagues at work. Some are work related some are just chatty. Not an issue for DH.

We've been together since we were 16 and have been married for 38 years.

Icequeen01 · 31/01/2023 08:20

Pressed post too soon!

On the flip side my DM was married to my dad (can't stomach calling him Dear!) Everyone thought he was a fabulous husband, adored his girls etc. Then he ran off with my mum's friend. It came out later she wasn't the first. That's always in the back of my mind ......

JassyRadlett · 31/01/2023 08:34

I agree that you can never know 100%.

But to be honest, I've thought about this, in previous relationships too where I didn't really trust the person I was with and some of them did very shitty things. And I still wouldn't want to police their friendships or stop them being friends with women. It's almost like - if they're going to be untrustworthy and do shitty things, I'd rather they just did it. And if I found out, that's it, I know who they are and I probably wouldn't be in that relationship any more.

If the only thing standing between them and doing something shitty is me saying who they can and can't be friends with, then that doesn't work for me.

SoIAmGlad · 31/01/2023 08:43

JassyRadlett · 31/01/2023 08:34

I agree that you can never know 100%.

But to be honest, I've thought about this, in previous relationships too where I didn't really trust the person I was with and some of them did very shitty things. And I still wouldn't want to police their friendships or stop them being friends with women. It's almost like - if they're going to be untrustworthy and do shitty things, I'd rather they just did it. And if I found out, that's it, I know who they are and I probably wouldn't be in that relationship any more.

If the only thing standing between them and doing something shitty is me saying who they can and can't be friends with, then that doesn't work for me.

Yes, exactly. That was what I was going to ask @Sunriseinwonderland and @TheLastDreamOfTheOak — are you both suggesting that if you had not trusted them, policed their friendships, monitored their communications with women colleagues, watched their phone location etc like a hawk, the outcome would have been different, or better? Would you want to live like that?

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 31/01/2023 08:52

Tbh if I'd paid a bit more attention to what exh was up to I think I could have nipped it in the bud before it got to the stage it did. Particularly with the second Affair which was with a 'close friend' of mine. I probably would have raised more of an eyebrow at the gigs they went to together (because they liked the band and I didn't) or the walks with the kids on their mutual days off whilst I was at work for example. They were friends when they started doing these things and then it became something else-and looking back I can pin pint just about when. There might have been an opportunity to have a chat a bit sooner and say that what was happening felt inappropriate and I wasn't comfortable with it. I guess that might or might not have stopped it before it went too far. You often see people being advised to do this on here when their spidey senses are tingling and I dont think it's bad advice. So it's not about constant monitoring of locations and phones but it is about being awake to the possibilities of things starting and knowing you need to have a chat, or maybe improve the stuff you yourself are doing within the relationship (none of us are perfect and I know in my first marriage I sometimes didn't make enough effort).

After my experience I will never fully trust anyone again. But that doesn't mean I live life in a state of torture, wondering and panicking about what DH is doing etc. it's just means I'm very aware of the possibility of lapses of judgement and I guard against it a bit.

thisbathiscoldnow · 31/01/2023 08:55

Completely depends on content and context and the dynamics of the relationship.

I'm a (f) pa to the male MD of a business. We have to work very closely together and therefore have developed a level of friendship. Our messages are mainly work related but we do chat about other stuff too. He's happily married and we never ever cross any lines. My partner has met him and we socialise out of work from time to time.

In answer to your question, yes I trust my other half to show me the same respect I show him. The second he gives me reason not to, he'd be out the door.

WandaWonder · 31/01/2023 08:59

I am saying this totally genuinely but I just don't get jealous, I don't mean that in 'he would never cheat' way I just would feel if I started to get jealous there would be something wrong so I wouldn't stay

Me being jealous won't stop infidelity, my husband has been out to lunch with females, works with them chats to them put and about, never ever given me a reason to be suspicious so I am not

If I felt jealousy I would address that myself.

SoIAmGlad · 31/01/2023 09:06

Fair enough, @TheLastDreamOfTheOak — I think that’s understandable.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 31/01/2023 09:14

I'll never trust 100%
You never really know anyone fully

glasshole · 31/01/2023 09:20

I trust my husband implicitly. He's loyal in every possible way. His head has never been turned by another woman, he adores me and still finds me very attractive (as I do him). I can honestly say that if a parade of naked women did the cancan past him he would offer them his tshirt, blankets and a brew to warm up. He loves our life, his kids, adores being a grandad. He doesn't have it in him to cheat and ( tmi) his penis even more loyal 😂. Took him a few months to be able to fully relax with me and so absolutely no random encounters for him.