Do you trust your husband?

[mummaontheskoolrun]

I'm having a few trust issues with my husband.

I'm anxious when he's on his phone/what's app. I'm fully aware these are my issues.

We have kids, house and a life together so it's not as easy to walk away as some people will suggest.

I'm asking out of interest how many women fully trust their husbands?

I'm scared he's messaging women from work. We had a rough time a few years ago when he was messaging a colleague and I found out. He swore nothing crossed the line and they were just friends but it didn't sit well with me and it made me quite ill mentally ( DH doesn't really know to the extent if effected me )

Thank you for reading.

What did he text her?

@TheLastDreamOfTheOak thats’s it exactly. It doesn’t mean constantly policing them or looking at their phones or living in a state of suspicion.
You have to have trust in a relationship and years on from his affair I choose to trust my husband because of how he has behaved subsequently and what he has learned about himself but certainly not in the same way as before. He started a job a long commute away and there was no way I could have prevented it or see what was going on, but my trust in him, plus him still being lovely at home, plus hectic early evenings for me being kids’ taxi, after school activities, cooking dinner etc meant it took a while for my spidey senses to start tingling.
It was only his demeanour one weekend that made me think something was ‘off’. It was only after discovery that I looked at my phone and realised how many times he’d texted to say he’d be ‘a bit late’ from work. Only then did I really look at the range of on the surface plausible reasons for being ‘a bit late’ and saw that it was always on the two days of the week that I’d be out with the kids at regular out of school activities (such a coincidence that ‘emergency meetings’ or ‘X’s birthday so at the pub’ always happened on these days!) so by the time I got back I wouldn’t see what time he really got home and what ‘a bit late’ meant. With hindsight it all looked obvious but at the time it was plausible. Had it been the evenings when we were just at home I think I’d have noticed his regular lateness. But maybe not, because I never policed him, always believed him.
Trust is a choice, I choose to believe his commitment (I have a few years of proof now and he’s made significant changes) and know he’s learned his lesson, was an absolute fool and has seen the true value of what he stands to lose. Yes, he should have already known that but he’d taken it for granted and lost sight of it, sadly for him it took this to smack him round the head and come to his senses. My trust and security comes from knowing my worth, having my boundaries in place which he understands and agrees to, and having a Plan B if he crosses them, and knowing I’ll be OK on my own if it happened again.
We get on really well (sad thing is we always did), we have a lovely life and spend way more time together, the kids are older and one of them is at Uni now, I’m retired, he’s semi retired and we have a lot more time for each other. We’d both love it not to have happened but it did. We have to see our relationship in the light of it now and we see the absolute importance of prioritising each other and the marriage.
I take no blame or responsibility for his decision to cheat. I do however take full responsibility for my 50% of our marriage as he does for his, and it’s easy in a long life together to fall into prioritising children and career and neglecting the marriage because you’re not arguing or unhappy and just presume it’s all ok. You have to consciously make time for each other. Relationships do take effort, even good ones and length of time together doesn’t mean the relationship is necessarily bomb proof.
I lost the innocence I had about relationships in general, ours in particular, but that’s probably no bad thing.
Trust isn’t an unshakeable belief that betrayal couldn’t happen because we think we know that someone would never ever etc etc. Trust is a choice choice we make, a gift we give someone which makes us vulnerable for their sake, every day, just like commitment.

Is that a fact?!

If no implications and can guarantee not getting caught, are you saying that people wouldn't stray?

I wouldn't find anything wrong with my DH texting female colleagues or friends. It would be weird not to.

He will sometimes go for drinks with our mutual female friends if I'm away. It honestly wouldn't occur to me to think anything of it.

But, I trust him completely. If he had sent a flirty text to a colleague for example, I would be very upset and ask him about it immediately.

So, IMO it really depends on what type of messages your DH has been sending OP. Can you tell us?

The outcome would not have been different, he'd have left anyway but I find it difficult to trust anyone now.
I trusted him completely and he completely betrayed me.
I wouldn't have done anything differently, I wouldn't snoop around or check phones but I wouldn't have put my trust in him either.

@Thewookiemustgo beautifully put- I've been in the same position and a similar relationship. That's why it annoys me when people say there must be something missing in the relationship at some level- in many cases there really isn't- someone's ego plus a bit of opportunity and 'excitement' at a time that life may be a bit Groundhog Day just goes to their heads-

100% trust going both ways here. I have male colleagues and guys from my hobby who I have become friends with and will text and spend time with and he has female friends. It has never occurred to me to wonder who he messages or what they say apart from the occasional laugh where I might ask him what's funny...

I did 100%, would have staked my life on him not ever cheating, together 20 years, knew him inside and out - guess what? I was wrong.

There are lots of threads on mn from women who are blindsided by an affair or emotional affairs. I think really you can’t trust anyone 100% and of course people can walk away should they choose. Moral of the story is enjoy life and share it as you please but know you could sustain yourself if you had to. Xxx

This is how I feel as well.

By doing what? Speaking to another person? It dumbfounds me how many crazy, controlling, psycho women like you are on this site

For me it is not 'do I think he would cheat?' it is being jealous will not stop cheating

People are unpredictable, so I just accept people as they are, they can change at any moment but I am not living my life not trusting

I trusted my husband, absolutely 100% and never ever doubted him for the 19 years we were together. I would have bet anything as to his unrelenting loyalty. Then I discovered he had been visiting prostitutes for years. I will never ever trust anyone again.

I think it's perfectly fine. If you feel something is off though I'd trust your gut.
I trust my OH because he's never given me reason not to. He has female friends and even goes overseas to visit his ex girlfriend once a year and I feel absolutely fine with it, knowing their history and having met her. There's no doubt in my mind that it's strictly platonic these days and they're just very close.

I don't know how to really trust anyone. It does make me very sad to be honest.

My perspective is different in the sense that I've never had a relationship or boyfriend or even been on a date and I'm of an age where that is very uncommon. No doubt I have issues, trust being one of them, can't argue with the facts. I haven't always been this untrusting either. But all I hear of is men (and women too but the thread says husbands) cheating. All you have to do is look at threads on here. Go OLD. I created a profile, didn't stick around for long, a few married men messaged - yes, they were upfront about it! I asked one why he was looking and his answer was simply that he wanted to be with someone different. And some of the men cheating are one's you would never expect to cheat - the respectable, loved by everyone, family man.

A few women I know are very much 'I know my husband would never cheat'. No, you don't know that. You choose to believe he won't cheat. There is a difference.

I am really surprised by the amount of women who say they trust their OH 100%, especially when they frequent boards like this and read the cheating threads.

The really sad thing is, part of me would like to have a partner but I literally don't know how to trust that they won't betray me.

I think you have to take the risk though, @AfraidOfLove , or end up with no one. If my DH cheats/buggers off tomorrow, I’ll still have had a 20-plus year happy relationship and I wouldn’t trade that. I’d rather have that experience than not, IYSWIM.

Tbh, if he goes off, I won’t bother with another serious relationship, I honestly can’t be bothered. 😂

No, if she respects him, she will get help at controlling the anxiety that drives the jealousy and intrusive thoughts that mean she doesn't want him to have any contact with 51% of humanity with a vagina that is outside a professional environment or her supervision.

PS. Your red flags are showing!

Honestly with all due respect, you’ve started two threads and not acknowledged a single reply so it’s very difficult for people to give honest advice (if that’s what you’re actually looking for?) without you giving further information on the background. From the v.limited info you’ve given, it does sound as though maybe the messaging was platonic but you have some trust issues so you’re finding it hard to accept that, regardless of whether it’s platonic or not. Unless he’s given you reason to not trust him in the past, or the messaging overstepped the mark, I think this is something you need to let go this time for the sake of your sanity. He’s allowed to speak to other females without necessarily wanting to shag them.

I wouldn't trust him in your position as nothing was properly acknowledged or resolved with his previous texting.

I trust my partner. But I am also a realist. He is a dynamic powerful man. Most of his female friends I am fine with, but over time there have been 3 that I haven't been. One newish single friend, one old friend divorcing and an ex girlfriend still single. They each said something to him regarding how special their relationship was e.g. funny how everyone thought we would make a great couple but we are more like brother and sister. I saw that as fishing and told him, he didn't but respected my wishes and cooled those.

Yes, I most likely will end up alone. But no-one has shown an interest so far and I can't imagine that changing. But that's another issue!

Maybe part of my problem is, I don't know how I would cope with being betrayed. I don't know if I would be OK.

I have been married over 20 years and used to trust my husband 100%. But sadly the trust was broken due to a coworker texting my husband. I knew something was off when hubby decided to start wearing cologne again and was getting in working out. A couple months later I saw a text from a coworker that said "I am so going to miss you" and the trust was broken. I was given the same answer that she is just a friend but a single woman that you just met not even a year prior is not a best friend. the texting went on for months and I read all of them except the ones he deleted. They texts were horrible and I cried so many tears. He even stayed after work to hangout in his car with her drinking and talking, even making fun of me. He told her that she was the prettiest woman in the world and she was his once in a lifetime thing. Gross and I was told nothing happened physically between them, but emotionally the harm was done. She is the type of person who has no problem sleeping with married men. She even told my husband she would look me in the eye and tell me that I had nothing to worry about. And I was also lied to about him having to leave earlier for work so he could go meet up with her and talk. I was hurt but what hurt more, is him not acknowledging the affair because he doesn't believe in emotional affairs. Yes I should have walked but it's easier said than done. She moved away and supposedly it's over, but I have a hard time trusting him on his phone.

@BoroMom I think they really don't understand that the emotional infidelity is I think the absolute killer- many stay but I would be interested how many actually ever feel 100% the same about that person- I certainly didn't

Blind trust is, in my experience, entirely over rated. I would never trust another person 100%. I trust myself, but I have made some utterly terrible decisions in my life. We are ALL capable of fucking up and doing things we never thought we’d do.

@AnotherRandomMale

your red flags are showing

What does this mean?

I was suggesting that op validate herself rather than defer to an authority that doesn't exist.

You have framed this as a respect issue - well, it is. "I don't want you to interact with other women unless you have to because I am incapable of not imagining it is a prelude to you f*ing them or falling in love with them, and you must respect this or you are not respecting me", which is effectively what you have suggested the OP does, is a red flag. I suspect it would be called out as such by more people if this thread was about a man's jealousy and suspicion about his female partner.