Walking on eggshells all the time ...

[Bellairen]

I never thought I'd be here posting for married age/ relationship advice but I feel like I need to get my thoughts out somewhere....

I've been married to my DH almost 10 years and together 14. We have a daughter almost 3 a dog and a cat so never a quiet moment ...

The last ....maybe year or so , it's felt like DH mood has really dipped ...maybe before that every so often there's be angry outbursts to be ( verbal not physical ....even the fact I'm writing to "justify" that makes me think there's something in how I'm feeling) ...

For example I'd get a short/ snappy curt response ...sometimes followed by what I can only describe as sulking/ silent treatment ...

I do think he struggles to manage anger / irritation and I'm seeing more .and more of this on a fairly or near daily basis ..again verbal but just unecessary and unpleasant anger and name calling for example at drivers ( not to them more under his breath) ..he just seems utterly angry and miserable ALL the time and it's taking a huge toll on me and our family ...

He seems to mainly be able to paint on a smile when little one is home but if it's just us and she is in nursery or my mum's he'll barely even say hello to me in the mornings, takes himself away to watch TV ( said he needed to do something on the computer the other night ..I walked in and he was finishing watching a film that had been on an hour and a half). God knows between toddler , pets, and work I KNOW the craving for mindless TV or half an hour to your own thoughts in peace ....

It just feels he never wants to spend time with me anymore , like he doesn't even like me let alone love me .

I've raised this with him a few times and it's resulted in arguments ( 2 particular stand out ones that felt like a total character assassination of me!). ... I even went as far as asking if he actually still wanted to be in this relationship ( because he certainly wasn't acting like it)..to which all I got was that I'm constantly over reacting and thinking the worst ....

But "the worst" to me would be carrying on like this for months and years ... I don't want my child growing up like this ...and I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around his moods, sulking, 0% tolerance of tiny frustration ( less than the 3 year old sometimes!!)..

I do wonder if he's depressed ...but any questions of if he's okay just gets met with more irritation, eye roll or an unconvincing "I'm fine" .....( He's not !)

I'm absolutely exhausted with it all ...and while I'm sure I'm far from perfect ....I'm not spending my life walking on eggshells ...

I look around my home and marriage and I'm not sure what the hell has happened ....

It sounds like he wants out but won’t verbalise it.

My husband did this when he was seeing someone behind my back.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. Walking on eggshells is code in my
mind for living in fear.

He does not act like this to his work colleagues or with the neighbours does he?

You are in an abusive relationship with your husband and in turn your DD will be affected by seeing you as her mother being abused.
Would suggest you seek legal advice and plan your exit from this with due care .

Snap.

For years. I can see when he was between affairs by his mood rising.

I kept asking why he didn't just leave as he seemed so unhappy.

Please try to sort it sooner rather than later. I wish I'd been stronger and forced the issue earlier.

I hope it's not this but it sounds horribly familiar. Like they don't even like you 😞

Again I agree. It's insidious and takes so long to heal from.

Womens Aid are amazing, even just to talk it through.

I'm so sorry 🤗

It does feel that way ..... TBH if he said that right now I think I'd feel a mix of relief in amongst all the other feelings .... It did feel like it was going that direction and I gave him an out of "what do you want to do next" and saying it didn't seem like he was happy with me or in the relationship....but I just got dismissed with me " over reacting" as well as more things I'd apparently done/ " made him feel like" 🙄

I'm so sorry you went through this ... The though has crossed my mind tbh .....although god knows where he'd get the time...or energy....he seems to just be so bloody miserable ( whenever he's here anyway!) ...
It feels less likely than he just isn't able to say he just doesn't want our life anymore ( which is what it feels like from my side anyway)

But not ruling it out as a possibility....the sad thing being I'm almost at the point of not caring anymore ....if he was just go off and be happy there if that's what he thinks rather than making my ( and our child's) life miserable!!!

@Bellairen

I cannot stress to you enough how this is pure gaslighting. Believe me.

My STBXH tried to push me to go, right up to the end. It would have suited his narrative so much better that way.

One of the times I took him to the pub to talk, so that neither of us could shout or walk off. But I laid it on the line that I was going to ask him to leave if he didn't start behaving better. He improved for a short while then not.

When it started to come out I could match up his most vile times with times the OW was pushing him to leave and be with her.

Don't allow yourself to be his scapegoat.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so, so painful 🤗

@Bellairen but at least by us saying you will see the situation for what it is and that it's not your fault

Abuse feels like such a loaded word for this..that I worry I've painted an unfair or untrue picture ....even though it's how the words ( and tone more than anything) feel sometimes ...
Other times ...he'll be nice .....well not emotionally for months now ....but he will bring home chocolates as he knows I've been run ragged all week with the house, kids, animals, work ..... I realise as I type this how hollow that sounds ....but he isn't "all bad"

But no ....he isn't like this to neighbours/ friends and I suspect not to colleagues/ work as he has managed to remain employed!!! ...

I'm not even sure where to start thinking of next steps ... My best friend knows how tough it's been and has offered a place to go ...but moving with toddler, dog, cat in tow feels more chaos than this sometimes ....

But the idea that DD might even subconsciously think that being talked to like shit or ignored by the person who is supposed to be safe ....is not something I want for her ever ...

So sorry you've experienced this too ....it's a bloomin headf*ck at times ...like I'm questioning my sanity or perception of reality ( both of which I'd previously felt fairly solid in!!)

It's so painful ....and just feels like I'm desperate to get back to "before" it felt like this ....even my mum made a comment after seeing us a few weeks ago of whether I'm " more patient" than DH ( with the animals and toddler) as after she visited I think she could pick up on the atmosphere and him trying to control the "uncontrollable". ( Toddler × puppy X nanny visiting everyone needed a sit down after and I very much needed wine when everyone was in bed! 😆)

That said .....I've never felt as exposed ....that other ppl can see how he treats me or how he is...and think I'm a total pushover for staying and putting up with it....

This is abuse and buying you (non apology) chocolates is the nice part of his nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He really does think he can mollify you or otherwise buy you off with chocolates.

You are indeed right to not want this for DD. You should expect the same for your own self too.

Get best friend to help you find a Solicitor to deal with and keep paperwork like birth certificates, passport, financial statements etc safe with her.

His gaslighting of you would indeed make you question your reality. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse.

The “before” he showed you was an act designed to draw you in. It was an act he could never hope to at all maintain. You’re now seeing the real him. Find it within you to get away from this man before he drags you and your child further down with him.

This totally.

It took me a trip to a solicitor to realise I'd been in an abusive relationship.

He referred me to Womens Aid. I went, just for a chat, feeling like a total fraud. But when I described his behaviour out loud it was abuse. It was coercive, controlling and financial. It was pure gaslighting.

I started to believe that I was the problem , not him. It's taken me years to rebuild but it can be done.

Also, don't even think of moving out with a toddler, cat and dog. He should leave. If you do then again it's playing into his narrative.

You haven't done anything wrong. Remember that.

Very similar situation to yours OP but mine lasted for years. Funny thing is I was also suspecting that he was having an affair on few different occasions but never got any proof of it. It took many therapy sessions in which I learned what I was experiencing was indeed emotional and in my case financial abuse, that my now ex was probably a narcissist and that I should leave him, which I did a little less then 2 years ago.

Life can be a bed of roses OP.💕

There is something going on for sure without doubt. Nobody knows what but I think he owes you an explanation and needs to make a decision.

I'd stop asking him what he thinks/feels about the situation, he clearly isn't prepared to admit what's wrong or be honest about his behaviour. He'd rather bury it and call it a 'you' problem. So I think your only option is to be the one to leave. Can you? I know sleeping at a friend's in the interim feels like a lot with kid and pets. Could you just take dc initially and he cares for the pets? After that are you able to financially move on? Do you work?

My ex was like this for years and years. I simply don't understand why I stayed so long. A combination of being desperate for love and childhood trauma probably. It became deeply emotionally abuse and I was anxious every time I heard his key in the door as I didn't know what mood he was in. If I tried to talk to him about it he turned it into my problem, I was provoking him and I didn't listen to him. It was my fault he was responding by stonewalling me. When we finally split up the relief was incredible. I'm still processing the trauma several years later. I rarely say LTB on here but I don't think the relationship is salvageable I'm afraid. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm so sorry so many of us have experienced this.

It's awful 😞

But OP it shows you that you can get through. You can start again.

And most importantly- it's NOT your fault 🤗

DH does this when he is stressed about something else - which he is emotionally incapable of acknoweldging. So I can't really give examples but it will be because someone has made him feel inferior or similar. Then sullen blanking me.

Took me years to realise it's not about me at all. And I'm not sure he is trying to make me feel bad, but it does. But whether you would be willing to live with someone like that is another matter.

Thank you , it makes me question my sanity at times ...the chocolates don't always come directly after silent treatment like an "apology" ...it's just then hard to get my head around the awful atmosphere perhaps days or week before ...

I know my friend would help with such things ...and there have been several times in the last few months I've almost packed a bag with all the important stuff like that in ...it is all in one place and easy to grab ( fees awful to say or even feel that should be the case ...)

And I absolutely do want and deserve better for myself too ( let alone the example to DD I'd hate her to ever feel this way was ok to be treated in the name of "love" or "marriage")

Thank you , I'm going to look this week at what legal advice I may be able to get ..though if it came to one of us leaving I'm not sure how he'd react ....not that he's ever been or threatened physical violence...but at the same time the thought of staying somewhere we've lived together and he can access feels ...not ok...even though I can't put a real reason to it ..
Thank you for all your replies I've woken up this morning with much more focused attitude that this isn't about me or something I've done wrong or need to fix ( in myself)

I'm glad you were able to leave the situation and reassuring too to hear there is life on the other side of this ....hard as it feels for me right now to imagine that ( or think through next steps at least ....just want to fast forward that bit to the life "after" . Therapy sounds a good call I think work have some provision for 6-10 sessions for staff which I'll check out when I'm in the office this week.

Thank you ..it's so hard to make sense of any of it or the change in him without an explanation....not that I'll necessarily get one ...

That's what's so frustrating ...I think there's a part of me still thinking maybe if he's honest but what's going on maybe we can work at it ...but the longer it goes on ....the less it feels like that is going to happen...

Yes I'm working part time but could adjust my hours of I needed to ..

Pets ( dog especially ) would be hard to leave ( the cat is more indifferent and will probably head to neighbours to be fed ...no loyalty there!) So it might be I need to look at renting somewhere ....but yes in an emergency/ short term we could decamp to friends ....

It just all feels so huge ..

I mainly expected responses maybe that I should try talking to him or writing it down or suggesting relationship counselling ...