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Original poster

Walking on eggshells all the time ...

139 replies

Bellairen · 30/01/2023 16:09

I never thought I'd be here posting for married age/ relationship advice but I feel like I need to get my thoughts out somewhere....

I've been married to my DH almost 10 years and together 14. We have a daughter almost 3 a dog and a cat so never a quiet moment ...

The last ....maybe year or so , it's felt like DH mood has really dipped ...maybe before that every so often there's be angry outbursts to be ( verbal not physical ....even the fact I'm writing to "justify" that makes me think there's something in how I'm feeling) ...

For example I'd get a short/ snappy curt response ...sometimes followed by what I can only describe as sulking/ silent treatment ...

I do think he struggles to manage anger / irritation and I'm seeing more .and more of this on a fairly or near daily basis ..again verbal but just unecessary and unpleasant anger and name calling for example at drivers ( not to them more under his breath) ..he just seems utterly angry and miserable ALL the time and it's taking a huge toll on me and our family ...

He seems to mainly be able to paint on a smile when little one is home but if it's just us and she is in nursery or my mum's he'll barely even say hello to me in the mornings, takes himself away to watch TV ( said he needed to do something on the computer the other night ..I walked in and he was finishing watching a film that had been on an hour and a half). God knows between toddler , pets, and work I KNOW the craving for mindless TV or half an hour to your own thoughts in peace ....

It just feels he never wants to spend time with me anymore , like he doesn't even like me let alone love me .

I've raised this with him a few times and it's resulted in arguments ( 2 particular stand out ones that felt like a total character assassination of me!). ... I even went as far as asking if he actually still wanted to be in this relationship ( because he certainly wasn't acting like it)..to which all I got was that I'm constantly over reacting and thinking the worst ....

But "the worst" to me would be carrying on like this for months and years ... I don't want my child growing up like this ...and I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around his moods, sulking, 0% tolerance of tiny frustration ( less than the 3 year old sometimes!!)..

I do wonder if he's depressed ...but any questions of if he's okay just gets met with more irritation, eye roll or an unconvincing "I'm fine" .....( He's not !)

I'm absolutely exhausted with it all ...and while I'm sure I'm far from perfect ....I'm not spending my life walking on eggshells ...

I look around my home and marriage and I'm not sure what the hell has happened ....

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 27/02/2023 16:30

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2023 14:04

Bellairen

Depression doesn’t lead to abuse, and not all people with depression are abusive. It’s more accurate to say that sometimes, abusive people also have depression.

And if people with depression are capable of controlling behaviour, then they are also culpable for it. He does not act like this around people in the outside world like for example the neighbours or his work colleagues. No, it is for you (and in turn your child) his abuse is aimed at and this will affect your child too. Such men too hate women, all of them.

It seems that you are both afraid of him and his reaction now which is a part of what happens in an abusive relationship. His apparent "niceness" is the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He is very much typical of how abusive people behave to and around others.

You are right , depression or not there's an element to which he is able to control this as h e only seems to act like this with me ....
I start questioning maybe I should have done things "better" , differently , communicated better ..... I feel like I've lost myself a bit these past 6-12 months in how it's been. ..

And the " nice" is bare minimum polite like you'd be to a neighbour/ flatmate rather than any kind of "real" intimacy or reconciliation ...

I don't know if I'm scared of anger ...or more scare of the unknown/ potential explosion if I said I was leaving ( though part of me wonders of he'd be relieved for how he acts having me here ....)

OP posts:
MisschiefMaker · 27/02/2023 17:39

I really feel for you OP. If you don't want to label it abuse can you at least see that he is bullying you?

I grew up like this but it was my DM who constantly took out her bad mood on me. She was like this because she was stressed and deeply unhappy. I can totally relate to that ball in your stomach feeling with the keys, although for me it was the sound of her car coming into the driveway that would send me into an anxious mess every day for years. I still get panicky and my heart races at the sound of saucepans clashing in the kitchen too. Can't help it.

I found the only way to deal with it is to fight fire with fire. Match every eye roll or sharp remark with a spicy comment back. Overreact slightly to every insult. Don't let ANYTHING slide. If he accuses you of being sensitive or whatever don't get defensive- insult him right back, but worse. Never defend, always attack. Harness your anger.

Do NOT tread on eggshells. This is really important. Weakness enables bullies and they don't respect you for it. You must match his nastiness. If it's like with my DM the situation will reverse itself. He'll start to watch his behaviour and feel unnerved by your 'moods'. You may find that you are able to train him into being nicer but only if you're consistent.

Obviously if there's a risk of physical danger you can't really use this approach but equally if he's going to be violent you might want to find out sooner or later. Better to get hit once and know what you're dealing with that be on edge all the time.

This is just my way of dealing with bullies but I mean obviously the better approach is to just leave him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2023 17:41

Bellairen

re your comment:

"I start questioning maybe I should have done things "better" , differently , communicated better ..... I feel like I've lost myself a bit these past 6-12 months in how it's been. .."

Its not you, its him. There is nothing you could have done here differently or to make things better. Abuse too is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. You losing yourself a bit this past year is what he has wanted.

I would suggest you contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women as the latter can give some legal advice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2023 17:49

I would plan your exit from this marriage with due care; the better approach here is to work towards leaving him. Fighting fire with fire and or otherwise antagonising him verbally is a red rag to a bull as well as poor counsel.

Fear of him, fear of the unknown, financial concerns are but three of many reasons that stop people in their tracks but no obstacle is ultimately insurmountable. You have a right to live without being abused in your day to day life.

Original poster
Bellairen · 28/02/2023 10:18

MisschiefMaker · 27/02/2023 17:39

I really feel for you OP. If you don't want to label it abuse can you at least see that he is bullying you?

I grew up like this but it was my DM who constantly took out her bad mood on me. She was like this because she was stressed and deeply unhappy. I can totally relate to that ball in your stomach feeling with the keys, although for me it was the sound of her car coming into the driveway that would send me into an anxious mess every day for years. I still get panicky and my heart races at the sound of saucepans clashing in the kitchen too. Can't help it.

I found the only way to deal with it is to fight fire with fire. Match every eye roll or sharp remark with a spicy comment back. Overreact slightly to every insult. Don't let ANYTHING slide. If he accuses you of being sensitive or whatever don't get defensive- insult him right back, but worse. Never defend, always attack. Harness your anger.

Do NOT tread on eggshells. This is really important. Weakness enables bullies and they don't respect you for it. You must match his nastiness. If it's like with my DM the situation will reverse itself. He'll start to watch his behaviour and feel unnerved by your 'moods'. You may find that you are able to train him into being nicer but only if you're consistent.

Obviously if there's a risk of physical danger you can't really use this approach but equally if he's going to be violent you might want to find out sooner or later. Better to get hit once and know what you're dealing with that be on edge all the time.

This is just my way of dealing with bullies but I mean obviously the better approach is to just leave him.

I'm sorry you experienced that , I can relate to that feeling too ( also with a parent) and I'm kicking myself of how I've not noticed ( till now) this in my marriage ....

Bullying does feel right , but at the same time I feel that it would escalate if I treated him the same way back ....he already has a huge amount of resentment about things I've reportedly done that are treating him "badly" over the years....and I don't want to add fuel to the fire ....

Hope you are doing okay now , I know how these things can hit years later

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 28/02/2023 10:30

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2023 17:49

I would plan your exit from this marriage with due care; the better approach here is to work towards leaving him. Fighting fire with fire and or otherwise antagonising him verbally is a red rag to a bull as well as poor counsel.

Fear of him, fear of the unknown, financial concerns are but three of many reasons that stop people in their tracks but no obstacle is ultimately insurmountable. You have a right to live without being abused in your day to day life.

That's my plan , I don't think doing anything "back" in terms of matching his behaviour will help anyone.
And it's a good reminder , no obstacle is insurmountable, however frightening the unknown feels right now ...I just need to navigate the next steps with some courage ...

OP posts:
MisschiefMaker · 28/02/2023 12:25

@Bellairen sounds like you are on the right track! hopefully you have some friends around to boost your self esteem.

I'm not surprised you experienced something similar as a child. These things have a way of repeating themselves unless you consciously name it and choose to leave those situations.

Original poster
Bellairen · 02/03/2023 19:40

MisschiefMaker · 28/02/2023 12:25

@Bellairen sounds like you are on the right track! hopefully you have some friends around to boost your self esteem.

I'm not surprised you experienced something similar as a child. These things have a way of repeating themselves unless you consciously name it and choose to leave those situations.

Thank you , yes my friends are being great but I feel all over the place that I seem to have unwittingly replicated ( or put up with) something I fought SO hard to get out of ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 15/03/2023 09:14

Things are moving here ...I'm still going backwards and forwards on whether the term "abuse" is fair for his behaviour but have shared more with several close friends and women's aid all of whom ( as well as women's aid) are using terms like "emotional abuse, coercive control and gaslighting" ....

When he's "nice" ( or not awful ) and makes dinner or says hi or asks how my day has been or even makes the slightest of conversation I start questioning ....or he'll let his guard down and laugh together at a TV show and I'll see a glimpse of the man I married and loved ...

But otherwise the contempt and silence towards me is heartbreaking and I don't want my child growing up in this ...

Plans are in place for us to leave .....I'm very scared and sad but I know it's the right thing ....

I wanted to say thank you to everyone whose posted here it has helped me reach out to those closest to me and ppl who can help in real life ...

I'll keep posting when I'm able ... If anyone has taken these next steps and has any tips for me then any are welcomed

X

OP posts:
Lost0013 · 15/03/2023 10:49

Thinking of you. I'm feeling like I'm in a similar position but no plans to do anything about it. Keep strong and be proud of yourself xx

Original poster
Bellairen · 15/03/2023 15:21

Lost0013 · 15/03/2023 10:49

Thinking of you. I'm feeling like I'm in a similar position but no plans to do anything about it. Keep strong and be proud of yourself xx

Thank you ...not feeling strong all the things me but trying to keep my eyes on the future that is happier than this.
I hope you get some respite and headspace to work out next steps ...this stuff is really really hard .

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 15/03/2023 15:21

*not feeling strong all the time that should say!

OP posts:
Doodles29 · 16/03/2023 14:46

Sounds like he’s stonewalling you. Which is a form of abuse. Communicate with him. Suggest couples therapy. If you have done all you can and there is no effort from his end, then you need to put yourself first and leave. Best of luck x

MisschiefMaker · 16/03/2023 14:55

When he's "nice" ( or not awful ) and makes dinner or says hi or asks how my day has been or even makes the slightest of conversation I start questioning ....or he'll let his guard down and laugh together at a TV show and I'll see a glimpse of the man I married and loved ...

You shouldn't have to feel grateful for these crumbs. That's just fairy mundane and normal behaviour. If that's the best examples of his behaviour that you've got then I really feel for you.

Original poster
Bellairen · 16/03/2023 18:10

Doodles29 · 16/03/2023 14:46

Sounds like he’s stonewalling you. Which is a form of abuse. Communicate with him. Suggest couples therapy. If you have done all you can and there is no effort from his end, then you need to put yourself first and leave. Best of luck x

Im at the point where I don't know if I have it in me to try any more or to go into couples therapy ( huge as it feels to think about leaving as well). The silence, non communication and absolute hate pouring out in some of the things he has said to me makes me frightened ( not necessarily physically but there is SO much anger and contempt for me). I don't think it's something I want to save ...even though I don't understand how things got this way. ..

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 16/03/2023 18:13

MisschiefMaker · 16/03/2023 14:55

When he's "nice" ( or not awful ) and makes dinner or says hi or asks how my day has been or even makes the slightest of conversation I start questioning ....or he'll let his guard down and laugh together at a TV show and I'll see a glimpse of the man I married and loved ...

You shouldn't have to feel grateful for these crumbs. That's just fairy mundane and normal behaviour. If that's the best examples of his behaviour that you've got then I really feel for you.

These are things in the past few weeks/ months that have been the only glimpses of the person I thought I knew ( and loved) . . ... I had no communication all day despite him WFH today and then at 5 pm he made me a cuppa , popped something on TV he thought we'd both like while DD ate dinner and I felt like a total b*tch for planning to leave ....

My head feels all over the place but these "crumbs" make me suddenly feel like maybe I'm making a mistake in anything I'm planning to do next ...or for even thinking the term emotional abuse might apply ...

OP posts:
PrincessofWellies · 16/03/2023 18:16

Bellairen · 30/01/2023 20:12

It does feel that way ..... TBH if he said that right now I think I'd feel a mix of relief in amongst all the other feelings .... It did feel like it was going that direction and I gave him an out of "what do you want to do next" and saying it didn't seem like he was happy with me or in the relationship....but I just got dismissed with me " over reacting" as well as more things I'd apparently done/ " made him feel like" 🙄

Show quote history

Why don't you think about yourself and ask yourself whether you are important in this, and the way you feel, and what you want rather than focusing on what he wants. He isn't important in this, he has to look after himself. You concentrate on you.

Ripley1977 · 16/03/2023 21:40

My ex used to switch to "nice" too when he sensed I'd had enough.... then I'd get sucked back in time and time again until he'd switch back to being a disrespectful arse again, for a while it was like he was my lodger he barely spoke to me,, he was crap with money too though so I'd end up helping him out. God the shit I put up with.
I moved out with our child and mine from a previous relationship and the feeling of freedom was (sorry for the lack of a better word) gleeful! He wouldn't leave so I had to, but its the best thing I ever did.
You can do this, you sound very strong and e won't break you. All the best OP you deserve it 😊

Original poster
Bellairen · 17/03/2023 15:55

PrincessofWellies · 16/03/2023 18:16

Why don't you think about yourself and ask yourself whether you are important in this, and the way you feel, and what you want rather than focusing on what he wants. He isn't important in this, he has to look after himself. You concentrate on you.

Show quote history

Thank you , I know I need to focus on what's needed for me and DD . I want to be able to come home and relax and it feel like a safe haven ...not dread the sound of his keys in the door or constantly feel like I'm second guessing what mood he might be in ..
I'm exhausted and feel sick with anxiety a lot of the time about how he will react to next steps and me saying I'm leaving....

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 17/03/2023 15:59

Ripley1977 · 16/03/2023 21:40

My ex used to switch to "nice" too when he sensed I'd had enough.... then I'd get sucked back in time and time again until he'd switch back to being a disrespectful arse again, for a while it was like he was my lodger he barely spoke to me,, he was crap with money too though so I'd end up helping him out. God the shit I put up with.
I moved out with our child and mine from a previous relationship and the feeling of freedom was (sorry for the lack of a better word) gleeful! He wouldn't leave so I had to, but its the best thing I ever did.
You can do this, you sound very strong and e won't break you. All the best OP you deserve it 😊

I'm glad you managed to leave and found that sense of freedom with your kids too ... The sense of dread at the next steps to leaving feels like it's kicking in now. ....

The "nice" always seems to start when I'm feeling stronger and more certain that I'm "done" with this and have had enough ..it's never that I say anything about it but maybe something in the way I am changes and he picks up on that. ..
It's so confusing. ...and hard to feel strong sometimes , I worry about leaving without having tried everything to "fix" things. ..and at the same time I'm not sure this is "fixable" ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 05/06/2023 20:18

Coming back to this thread as I still haven't gathered up the courage to leave ( YET) .... The moods are the same ( bar some days/ hours here and there with the very smallest elements of civility ) ( think about the same as you'd get from a flatmate you hadn't chosen to.live with but we're polite to )....

He is SO angry at the world generally ( and often at me) and I am just so ground down by it ..

Any attempts to talk about it are met with accusations of how "shit" I've treated him for our whole relationship ( seemingly) ...how I don't "listen to him" or "care"

I just don't understand how my marriage and life has imploded without me even noticing it seemingly .... But I can't stay living this way.

I'm writing this as much to remind myself of that ...

Sometimes I'm so worried about his mental health ...but other times this all feels very deliberate ....maybe a mix of both ...

OP posts:
Manichean · 05/06/2023 22:04

I am so sorry you are still in this terrible situation. It may help to read this PDF of a book called 'Why does he do that?'. It describes how and why abusive men operate. I hope it might help you to find the strength to leave and find some peace and happiness for yourself and your daughter. You both deserve so much more than life with this nasty man. https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/06/2023 22:38

Come on OP, what is it that's holding you back? Is this what you want to model to your DD? It's frustrating reading your latest post because I know that you and her will thrive away from him. I do appreciate how daunting it may be though. Life is precious and you shouldn't waste one more minute on this dickhead. Do you need any help? Have you decided whether you and DD will leave the house or him?

Original poster
Bellairen · 06/06/2023 14:39

Manichean · 05/06/2023 22:04

I am so sorry you are still in this terrible situation. It may help to read this PDF of a book called 'Why does he do that?'. It describes how and why abusive men operate. I hope it might help you to find the strength to leave and find some peace and happiness for yourself and your daughter. You both deserve so much more than life with this nasty man. https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thank you and thank you for the link too I had downloaded and started reading and then life got in the way ...
My daughter certainly deserves a better environment to grow up in and I need some peace too ....

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 06/06/2023 14:46

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/06/2023 22:38

Come on OP, what is it that's holding you back? Is this what you want to model to your DD? It's frustrating reading your latest post because I know that you and her will thrive away from him. I do appreciate how daunting it may be though. Life is precious and you shouldn't waste one more minute on this dickhead. Do you need any help? Have you decided whether you and DD will leave the house or him?

Thank you and I know it's frustrating, I'm frustrated with myself at not having taken any action ( well I did speak with a lawyer, started counselling, got all the important documents and then the reality of leaving just felt overwhelming ..).

I think if I am making the choice to leave it would be me ( plus DD and the pets) that would need to move as I don't think he'd leave .... The logistics and juggle of trying to find pet and child suitable space to rent ( and work) from feels like it's a big block to me having got much further than I have. .

The other blocks being emotional I guess .. that I start questioning " well have I treated him this badly? Are there things I've done that have influenced how he is now reacting? What if he's "just" depressed and I make it worse by taking his whole life away by leaving?". The counsellor I've seen has been trying to look at things from a couples point of view which feels like it makes me question whether his behaviour is maybe okay ....or less bad than I thought? Some friends too are saying I need to talk more, tell him how this is making me feel more ( but I feel like everytime ivd tried that it's just made it worse!)

Those are probably the 2 big sticking points ... And fear of the unknown after so long together , and grief that my family and future isn't what I'd planned it being. ...( Not that there are ever any guarantees)

OP posts:
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