Walking on eggshells all the time ...

[Bellairen]

I never thought I'd be here posting for married age/ relationship advice but I feel like I need to get my thoughts out somewhere....

I've been married to my DH almost 10 years and together 14. We have a daughter almost 3 a dog and a cat so never a quiet moment ...

The last ....maybe year or so , it's felt like DH mood has really dipped ...maybe before that every so often there's be angry outbursts to be ( verbal not physical ....even the fact I'm writing to "justify" that makes me think there's something in how I'm feeling) ...

For example I'd get a short/ snappy curt response ...sometimes followed by what I can only describe as sulking/ silent treatment ...

I do think he struggles to manage anger / irritation and I'm seeing more .and more of this on a fairly or near daily basis ..again verbal but just unecessary and unpleasant anger and name calling for example at drivers ( not to them more under his breath) ..he just seems utterly angry and miserable ALL the time and it's taking a huge toll on me and our family ...

He seems to mainly be able to paint on a smile when little one is home but if it's just us and she is in nursery or my mum's he'll barely even say hello to me in the mornings, takes himself away to watch TV ( said he needed to do something on the computer the other night ..I walked in and he was finishing watching a film that had been on an hour and a half). God knows between toddler , pets, and work I KNOW the craving for mindless TV or half an hour to your own thoughts in peace ....

It just feels he never wants to spend time with me anymore , like he doesn't even like me let alone love me .

I've raised this with him a few times and it's resulted in arguments ( 2 particular stand out ones that felt like a total character assassination of me!). ... I even went as far as asking if he actually still wanted to be in this relationship ( because he certainly wasn't acting like it)..to which all I got was that I'm constantly over reacting and thinking the worst ....

But "the worst" to me would be carrying on like this for months and years ... I don't want my child growing up like this ...and I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around his moods, sulking, 0% tolerance of tiny frustration ( less than the 3 year old sometimes!!)..

I do wonder if he's depressed ...but any questions of if he's okay just gets met with more irritation, eye roll or an unconvincing "I'm fine" .....( He's not !)

I'm absolutely exhausted with it all ...and while I'm sure I'm far from perfect ....I'm not spending my life walking on eggshells ...

I look around my home and marriage and I'm not sure what the hell has happened ....

The not saying hello isn't every day ....but it's more days than not some weeks , when I've said something it's been turned as in "asking him things the second he's in the door from work" so it's possible I've stopped trying and he has too .... :(

I do feel like I need to have an "out" and somewhere to go before properly having it out and an ultimatum of if we don't sort this I'm leaving ......I don't know how it happened that I've become scared of him ....( Not physically but emotionally his reactions feel so cold and angry ).

Thank you, and I hope I get to the bottom of this and a resolution that is a good life for me and DD whatever role he has ( or not) in that ...I've lost 2 friends ( very young both early 30s) in the last few years and I'm not wasting my life living like this ...

Thank you

He's been being so "nice" the last couple of days ( or maybe I'm downshifting my idea of "nice" ..what I mean is cooking dinner last night, walking the dog this morning before diving DD breakfast and actually telling me to have a nice day)....

It's so hard to think of leaving when he's like this as I see glimpses of what it feels like we used to have .... Renting if I moved out would cost more than our mortgage .... It feels such a big thing ( despite how essential it also feels when he's in one of his sulky mood and refusing to talk about it or acknowledge any kind of problem)

The "niceness" ..or " less horribleness" almost makes me feel more trapped ...

For others who have moved forward from this type of situation , what were your next steps?....

I got to the point where I'd packed half mine, DDs stuff and sorted the pets, had an initial free legal consult which then I didn't finish as they were adamant they needed husband's details for any kind of discussion .... He didn't know any of this and at the same time it's like he's sensed something is up as he's started making much more of an effort to be nice ( to me) this last week ..... It's the first time in months he hasn't been in an awful mood or snappy and has actually asked ( and seemed to actually care) how my days gone ....

And yet suddenly I'm feeling SO angry ....at the way he's treated me ....and so confused at the same time ...like maybe I owe it to our marriage to try harder to save it ( even though a big part of me doesn't want to....)

First off I made him leave the house rather than me. I stayed with the kids.

But we had to move as we couldn't afford the rent.

Don't be taken in by this. Afterwards I found out that he blew hot and cold with the other woman too. When he was cold with her he was nice to me.

It's a really shitty place to be. I'm so sorry you're going through it.

Thank you for your reply , it's the blowing hot and cold part that's so exhausting. ..I'm not convinced there's OW in his case but honestly is have no idea really what's going on in his life ...

Which feels really sad compared to what it used to feel like ( or what I thought I had at least ...)

It gives almost a glimpse of hope ( or guilt at least when I think about leaving).

Thank you , it means a lot to know others get it

Is there any chance he has seen this thread? Or any messages from the solicitor? Anything that may have given him a hint you are thinking of leaving?

I doubt he's seen this ...make sure to keep clearing history ...not impossibe but I'd think unlikely and solicitors didn't go far other than me phoning them...
I think the only thing he might have noticed is me either trying less or just ...I don't know I actually felt strong and certain when thinking I have a life outside of this and of him ...I didn't say anything ...but wondered if he's picking up on something more subtly ? .....

@Bellairen that sounds familiar. As I gained strength he noticed. But it was too little too late.

Stay strong

Thank you. Yep I think he has noticed the shift in me ...and I'm not sure too whether it's too late as the past 9-12 months has been brutal ( with ....I'm starting to realise, examples less frequently going back 9 years or so. ......)

Even with a huge 180 , apology and him actually acknowledging the impact/ seeking help I'm not sure whether it would feel " enough" ....

Oh sweetheart it was only after I'd split with my STBXH I noticed his traits had been there since the beginning.

I wasn't very confident when we met so it was very easy to mould me.

Unfortunately you will have these realisations. And I don't think anyone with this type of personality really change.

@Bellairen What was his childhood like?

It doesn't surprise me that you had glimpses of his behaviour over the years that have escalated. Are you aware of the devalue cycle? Its where the periods of time between niceness & devaluing get shorter.
Often there is an OW, or someone they are in contact with, could be from his distant past This seems to cause the cycle to speed up.

You don't deserve this and you didn't cause it. Wish you all the best

Ok here's a totally diffrent view. He sounds exactly like my hubby did 2 years ago. He changed from a pretty happy person to moody. I kept asking what's wrong he also would go watch tv alone etc when kids went out or read no convo to be had just short,snappy answers...I managed to convince him after an argument to go to the Dr's because even arguing we rarely ever do so it was odd to me....he got diagnosed with depression was on meds about a year came off them before Xmas and has been fine and back to normal ever since. He has even thanked me and my mum for putting up with it from him because he just didn't see the change he became. He was masking when visitors came happy etc then rock bottom grumpy,moody when they left but now it's all back to normal and I've got my normal hubby back again.

I think you need to sit down and talk. Not blaming (as it will escalate to row) say "you seem unhappy, I know I'm unhappy I'm questioning if this is working? " And see where it goes .

It's definitely got worse recently and less time in between episodes....but without a doubt it's always been there ...I think I just wrote it off before.
That said I do also wonder whether stress ( or possibly depression ) is also making things worse from his side . .I tie myself up in knots trying to make sense of it ...

Thank you. Childhood wise ok as far as I know ... I'm not convinced there's an OW but who knows I may be wrong . Not heard of the devalue cycle but it's definitely feeling like periods of niceness are getting shorter ....and less frequent ...it's exhausting

That's really good to hear and I'm so glad your husband is doing better.
Though I do wonder about depression ....it feels like there's a huge amount of anger there too which is almost 100% directed at me either verbally , silent treatment or on more than one occasion in the last year he's grabbed something off me ( not thrown it or hurt me but grabbing has been a reaction if , in his eyes, I'm doing something "wrong")....
If he is depressed I if course want him to get help ( and I've suggested GP/ counselling in the past which he is adamant he doesn't need) .....but I'm also questioning how I keep myself ( and my child) safe and sane in amongst all this ....

I know it needs a conversation ...I think a part of me is just scared as it probably then means difficult choices to be made after ...)
I need to pluck up the courage though ...

The anger is worrying OP. Talking has got you nowhere so far; if you tell him you are now prepared to take back control and leave, he might well get a whole lot more angry. Please take care.

@Bellairen absolutely it easy for us to say it. Hope you're okay.

I've never heard of that. It's helped me understand my own situation a bit better. Thank you 🙏

I'm going to go and read up on it

I agree with @autienotnaughty and @ValerieDoonican please take care 🤗

Bellairen

Depression doesn’t lead to abuse, and not all people with depression are abusive. It’s more accurate to say that sometimes, abusive people also have depression.

And if people with depression are capable of controlling behaviour, then they are also culpable for it. He does not act like this around people in the outside world like for example the neighbours or his work colleagues. No, it is for you (and in turn your child) his abuse is aimed at and this will affect your child too. Such men too hate women, all of them.

It seems that you are both afraid of him and his reaction now which is a part of what happens in an abusive relationship. His apparent "niceness" is the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He is very much typical of how abusive people behave to and around others.

I don't know that he'd ever be physically violent to me .... ( Although the grabbing things has felt violent with the anger behind it , it hasn't been directed "at" me ).....
But the anger itselffeels frightening ....maybe because it feels alien from who I thought he was or how he acted most of the time . .
I don't know if I've built up a scarier picture than reality though . ..in my head .....

Thank you 🤗

Thank you , it's always easier to see things a bit clearer outside the situation. .. I just feel really stuck sometimes like I can't quite believe things have got to this point .... 😔