Walking on eggshells all the time ...

[Bellairen]

I never thought I'd be here posting for married age/ relationship advice but I feel like I need to get my thoughts out somewhere....

I've been married to my DH almost 10 years and together 14. We have a daughter almost 3 a dog and a cat so never a quiet moment ...

The last ....maybe year or so , it's felt like DH mood has really dipped ...maybe before that every so often there's be angry outbursts to be ( verbal not physical ....even the fact I'm writing to "justify" that makes me think there's something in how I'm feeling) ...

For example I'd get a short/ snappy curt response ...sometimes followed by what I can only describe as sulking/ silent treatment ...

I do think he struggles to manage anger / irritation and I'm seeing more .and more of this on a fairly or near daily basis ..again verbal but just unecessary and unpleasant anger and name calling for example at drivers ( not to them more under his breath) ..he just seems utterly angry and miserable ALL the time and it's taking a huge toll on me and our family ...

He seems to mainly be able to paint on a smile when little one is home but if it's just us and she is in nursery or my mum's he'll barely even say hello to me in the mornings, takes himself away to watch TV ( said he needed to do something on the computer the other night ..I walked in and he was finishing watching a film that had been on an hour and a half). God knows between toddler , pets, and work I KNOW the craving for mindless TV or half an hour to your own thoughts in peace ....

It just feels he never wants to spend time with me anymore , like he doesn't even like me let alone love me .

I've raised this with him a few times and it's resulted in arguments ( 2 particular stand out ones that felt like a total character assassination of me!). ... I even went as far as asking if he actually still wanted to be in this relationship ( because he certainly wasn't acting like it)..to which all I got was that I'm constantly over reacting and thinking the worst ....

But "the worst" to me would be carrying on like this for months and years ... I don't want my child growing up like this ...and I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around his moods, sulking, 0% tolerance of tiny frustration ( less than the 3 year old sometimes!!)..

I do wonder if he's depressed ...but any questions of if he's okay just gets met with more irritation, eye roll or an unconvincing "I'm fine" .....( He's not !)

I'm absolutely exhausted with it all ...and while I'm sure I'm far from perfect ....I'm not spending my life walking on eggshells ...

I look around my home and marriage and I'm not sure what the hell has happened ....

I'm so sorry you went through this ...god yes the key in the door and not knowing what is coming mood wise .....9 months ago it used to be happiness he was home ( plus an element of relief for a second pair of hands at bath/ bedtime tbh!)

But now .....it's anticipation ...like my heart drops at the noise :(

If it's ok to ask what helped make the decision finally for you? I keep going backwards and forwards ....and second guessing myself

My DH went through a period of this. I think he genuinely didn't realise how much his mood/attitude felt like he hated me, or how bad things had got. Like you, initially every time I tried to address it he accused me of over reacting or getting angry (he was not a shouter, but being extremely aggressive in his sulking, ignoring me or sharp tongued comments if that makes sense).
Eventually I said, extremely calmly, a few times when he said something deeply hurtful "this, right now, is exactly what I'm talking about. It is extremely painful. Even if it's not your intention, it feels like you hate me. It making me miserable in my own home. I won't live my life in this way and I won't subject the child to it either. So if it doesn't stop I'm going to end the marriage, even though that is really not what I want. You need to reflect on how your behaviour affects all of us. I'm going to give it a year but if nothing changes I will end the marriage"
I also said I would be open to counselling if he would book it (emphasis on him to admit a problem).
It took a few times of this very calm delivery but things did get better. Some other stresses in our life have also resolved so that probably plays a part but we are definitely much closer back to where we were. Funnily enough this was also when our eldest DD was 3/4 and we had a newborn too. 3 is a tough age.
Please try to express you feel without saying "you are doing xxx". More like "when you say xxx, I feel xxx". You're not assigning intention/blame but setting out where you are and what you need to change to be happy. Also ask if there's anything you can do also? Anything that he finds v tough that you might be Abel to help with

It's so hard isn't it? I suspect this is nearer the mark than him thinking consciously he is going to be horrible ...but the impact of course is it still effects me and makes it feel like I've done something wrong or can somehow fix it ( both I know ideas that I need to let go of).

I think if he was willing to either talk about what was going on for him or get some help them it would at least feel like he's trying .....but if it stays the way it's been lately , it definitely isn't something I want to live with ( or expose DD to )

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He knows also how you feel and he does not care. As mentioned before he does not treat work colleagues or address the neighbours like he does towards you.

He is quick to blame you and thinks you are responsible for his moods and behaviours. Those are all hallmarks of an abusive man.

Are you in the UK; I would take the animals with you if you can because I would not trust him to be able to look after them properly. Alternatively I would contact the likes of Dog Trust.

You have a choice re this man, your DD does not. As it is however, she is already being exposed indirectly to all this from her dad.

Again I agree totally.

We tried counselling together. It was horrendous. He tried to gaslight me in the appointment. The counsellor even mentioned it.

She said that counselling didn't always save relationships. When I said I know but I can't keep living like this I had full silent treatment for days afterwards with just a text saying he couldn't believe I agreed with her.

I used to stay late at work as I didn't know what I'd be returning to. Sometimes I'd message ahead to see.

I can't believe I lived like that. It's so sad looking back.

One piece of help that I had was that you can email the Samaritans and they were brilliant. You don't just get a cut and paste reply.

Thinking of you 🤗

Yeah I'm not sure if he realises the impact ( although that being said there have been at least 4 if not 5 times in the last couple of months I've been in tears due to his moods and he's either ignored it or snapped "what's wrong" ( just needs the unspoken word "now" on the end of that!!)

It's like I freeze and can't get the words out that if he doesn't change things them the marriage is over ....or whether I don't want to say it because I don't want to give him the option of me staying ...

3 is tough sure ...there's a relentlessness to parenting toddlers ( and pets ...😅) ...but DD sleeps well , is t the most tantrumy toddler I've met so not sure it's all that!!...

But I just don't know what's going on and that's a big part of the issue!

I go back and forth on whether he's being abusive or just an insensitive idiot ( I guess the impact on me is still there)...and on some level am struggling to name or identify his behaviour as abusive ....( Sometimes it feels it though)

If ...( When?!) I leave though , all pets and DD will be with me! ...it's just getting it all in place , staying in this limbo isn't doable , but next steps feel terrifying too ....

Thank you , and I don't want DD growing up thinking this is normal or okay ...
I suspect he would refuse even the idea of counselling or make it into something I'm "making him" do ...( If I gave him the ultimatum of counselling or leaving for example) .

But yes it is so sad living that way , I know the feeling too of never knowing and wanting to check up which version of him will be home when I get in or will be walking through the door at the end of the day ....

I feel like I've wrapped myself up in bubble wrap against it today ....and done some practical investigating into finances , savings, how much I could borrow if I needed to remortgage etc ...

But the emotional side ( and actual starting of the conversation) feels like something else. ..

He does not talk down to the neighbours, people in the street or his work colleagues like he does to you. His nice family man image is one he wants to maintain to them but his true self emerges behind closed doors.

Change is scary I grant you but its far more terrifying to remain with such a man like you describe. His nice/nasty cycle of abuse towards you is a continuous one and it will also do your DD no favours at all to see you as her mother being verbally abused throughout her childhood.

Do not spend your life walking on eggshells aka living in fear of him.

Abuse is not a relationship problem. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you here. Relationship counselling can solve problems but IT CANNOT fix the unequal power structure present in abusive relationships.

As I've mentioned already joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You are not emotionally safe enough to be with him in such sessions and you will get no say in those either. An abuser may use what is said in therapy later against their partner. Therapy can make a person feel vulnerable. If the abuser is embarrassed or angered by something said in therapy, he or she may make their partner suffer to gain back the sense of control. Therapy is often considered a “safe space” for people to talk. For an abused partner, that safety doesn’t necessarily extend to their home.

If he can manipulate you he could all too easily manipulate a counsellor into taking his side. The facilitator may not know about the abuse, which would make the entire process ineffective. The abuser may make their partner seem responsible for the problems, and if the therapist does not realize that abuse is present, he or she may believe the abuser.

Would suggest you keep planning your exit until you can present separation and divorce to him as a done deal. Use trusted family and friends to support you and or keep documents safe.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I totally agree. In fact a lot of what you've said is triggering me. Not your fault at all, I don't mean that.

One counselling session I said that he would never let me see his phone but he monitored everything of mine - text, WhatsApp, all emails accounts, messenger the lot. He'd read them all in the morning while I was sleeping and during the day while I worked.

Anyway the counsellor said that she didn't think me seeing his phone would help anyway as he would have deleted everything. He said - yeah see I'd have deleted everything. I sat there feeling like I was in a parallel universe.

We left the session and I couldn't stop crying. Big snotty tears. We got in the car, I'm still crying, he looked at me and said - do you fancy going for a drink? I mean seriously???

He thought he'd got the counsellor on his side and so was delighted with himself.

Sorry @Bellairen I don't mean to take it away from you I just wanted to reinforce what @AttilaTheMeerkat had said.

Also. This is going to be difficult. When I finally got to the end I had three very good friends that picked me up off the floor and helped me with the practicalities. They also contacted him and told him not to come near me or the children. Your friends are absolutely vital during this process. And we will be here for you too 🤗

Feel free to DM me if you need to offload.

Thank you , yes I wouldn't want therapy used as more ammunition..
I definitely need to get everything in order ...he is very much of the view the problems for us are down to the way I "treat him" ( and apparently have been for years in his view ...)

I just don't understand how things got here sometimes ...

Thank you and you didn't take it away at all , it helps to hear that others have survived this ( and how).

When he says the problem is how 'you treat him' what exactly does he mean? What does he think you are doing that is so terrible and justifies him being a cunt to you?

Again yes, this.

I could never pin down what exactly I was doing. At one point it was my use of the sad emoji in my messages. Another time I drank my coffee too loudly.

Don't believe when he says something like that. That makes him a total and utter cunt.

It's NOT YOUR FAULT!!

Haha thank you both!! Omg I laughed at those messages!

Similar "non" examples ...which include greeting ("too quickly") when he gets in from work , the cat needing additional supplements for allergies from the vet (* recommended tho expensive) , eating noisily, "not concentrating" when giving directions ( I'm absolutely terrible with directions! Hence the invention of sat nav)

None of it intentional altho from his reaction you'd think I was plotting the whole time to do things to purposely piss him off...

It's completely exhausting and I feel like a shell of myself sometimes like I don't trust my judgement on anything ...

I'm so sorry. But this is so familiar.

It's gaslighting and is to deliberately throw you off balance so he always looks like the rational one. Don't allow him to get in your head too much. I know easier said than done but seriously it is him. Not you.

Jesus wept.

This man doesn't even like, let alone love, you.

He's at the point of 'bitch eating crackers' with you...he's picking on tiny, tiny elements of you/your personality to beat you over the head with...and more importantly, excuse him (only in his head) for treating you like rubbish.

He's fallen out of love and now like, with you. It happens. A decent honorable man would admit it, make it clear that the fault is with him, that you've done nothing wrong but the way he is acting towards you - and by extension, your daughter - means that you can no longer share a house together.

Acting like a bad tempered sulking 5 year old is not the actions of a decent man. Even worse, it's going to make your daughter think that men acting this way is acceptable.

I know ...and yet when I've said it doesn't feel/ seem like he loves ( or even likes!!) me I get told I'm being oversensitive......it's like I'm talking a different reality? ...

I've definitely taken steps this week to make sure this ends , it's not okay for anyone ( especially DD ) to live like this ...

I wish he'd actually admit how he felt though as it makes me feel like I'm crazy saying things are as bad as they feel ...

So ....it's been another week of it, huffing out to take the dog for a walk after being nice as pie to DD and barely acknowedging I'm there, no hello when I've got in from work ....deciding he needs an early night at 8.30 pm when I've been on my own at home with toddler and pets all day ...

I booked some ( individual) counselling via our scheme at work and not sure what to think ....lots of focus on him, could I talk to him, show him he's still wanted and not "pushed out" ( by child/ pets) , doesn't think it's "about me" ( despite I'm getting the brunt of it) ....maybe cook his favourite dinner ....

Am I wrong to be angry? He's been treating me like f ing nobody for months and I'm meant to worry if his stress/ mental health/ wellbeing is okay???

I've been in touch with a different counsellor ...( His version of he knew this would be I'm shopping around to "get the answers I want from someone") and also looking at where might be next in terms of free legal advice ....I'm so done with this and I am so so tired ....

OMG, toss that counselor and absolutely look for another. Unfortunately there are a lot of individuals selling counseling services that do not actually have proper credentials. What he/she told you is a load of BS. This reminds me of these old books for women on "how to keep your man happy". Forget about it. You have right to be angry and do not let this dissuade you from going to counseling as I found it crucial to dealing with my marriage. I am still currently in counseling almost two years after separation.

I know!! It was really quite strange ...even I know ( despite going back and forwards in my head on what I think is happening)...that some of the ways he is treating me is absolutely not on, and the thought that the solution is make him feel " more appreciated" feels bizzare!! ( I'm not saying I want to make him feel crappy but he doesn't seem to notice or care when the roles are reversed!!)

Have been looking for alternatives , and booked an initial free solicitors appt for next week too .....this is feeling real, and scary ...and so sad ....like I don't know where my life is going next or how I lost what I thought was there. ....

Can I ask, have you pointed out all these examples to him? I mean he can’t deny it’s crappy behaviour. What does he say when you point out that he actually doesn’t even say hello to you?

There must be a reason and I would say this to him and tell him you are not putting up with it anymore so he better get his act together or you’re out. Put the ball back in his court and if he is wispy washy, you tell him all these things are not a normal marriage and why should you live like that? Oh and tell him you are not “over sensitive” it’s his behaviour that is appalling.

Good luck. I hope you get to the bottom of it and remember life is short!