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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Walking on eggshells all the time ...

139 replies

Bellairen · 30/01/2023 16:09

I never thought I'd be here posting for married age/ relationship advice but I feel like I need to get my thoughts out somewhere....

I've been married to my DH almost 10 years and together 14. We have a daughter almost 3 a dog and a cat so never a quiet moment ...

The last ....maybe year or so , it's felt like DH mood has really dipped ...maybe before that every so often there's be angry outbursts to be ( verbal not physical ....even the fact I'm writing to "justify" that makes me think there's something in how I'm feeling) ...

For example I'd get a short/ snappy curt response ...sometimes followed by what I can only describe as sulking/ silent treatment ...

I do think he struggles to manage anger / irritation and I'm seeing more .and more of this on a fairly or near daily basis ..again verbal but just unecessary and unpleasant anger and name calling for example at drivers ( not to them more under his breath) ..he just seems utterly angry and miserable ALL the time and it's taking a huge toll on me and our family ...

He seems to mainly be able to paint on a smile when little one is home but if it's just us and she is in nursery or my mum's he'll barely even say hello to me in the mornings, takes himself away to watch TV ( said he needed to do something on the computer the other night ..I walked in and he was finishing watching a film that had been on an hour and a half). God knows between toddler , pets, and work I KNOW the craving for mindless TV or half an hour to your own thoughts in peace ....

It just feels he never wants to spend time with me anymore , like he doesn't even like me let alone love me .

I've raised this with him a few times and it's resulted in arguments ( 2 particular stand out ones that felt like a total character assassination of me!). ... I even went as far as asking if he actually still wanted to be in this relationship ( because he certainly wasn't acting like it)..to which all I got was that I'm constantly over reacting and thinking the worst ....

But "the worst" to me would be carrying on like this for months and years ... I don't want my child growing up like this ...and I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around his moods, sulking, 0% tolerance of tiny frustration ( less than the 3 year old sometimes!!)..

I do wonder if he's depressed ...but any questions of if he's okay just gets met with more irritation, eye roll or an unconvincing "I'm fine" .....( He's not !)

I'm absolutely exhausted with it all ...and while I'm sure I'm far from perfect ....I'm not spending my life walking on eggshells ...

I look around my home and marriage and I'm not sure what the hell has happened ....

OP posts:
emmylousings · 10/06/2023 14:46

I think your mum picking up on the atmosphere is significant. I'd discuss the challenges of children, marriage etc with her, if you can. Be good for you to get her perspective and for you to confide in her.

Alcemeg · 10/06/2023 15:47

And that when ( like this weekend actually ) it feels like the contempt/ disdain isn't there I question if it actually was or if I imagined it / overreacted.... Like I don't trust my judgement anymore . ..

You don't trust your judgement any more because your'e in a relationship where your feelings and view don't count.

You've got into the habit of automatically dismissing what you feel/think as stupid, because that's what he does.

I promise you that "on the other side" you won't do that and you will look back and wonder how you lasted so long in this poison.

That's not belittling you. You have no choice at the moment.

Choose the future - I promise it's worth it 😘

Original poster
Bellairen · 11/06/2023 15:48

Hillfarmer · 10/06/2023 12:15

Hi OP,
I just wanted to add my voice to all the posters giving you sage advice. I’ve been where you are now…walking on eggshells around a DH who treated me with contempt, and - like you - I couldn’t make things add up.

You keep waiting for the ‘old’ DH - or what you hope is the ‘real’ DH - to come back. The realisation you will come to is that the DH you have now is the real one and that the one you fell in love with was not his true self. This realisation is really painful. It makes you doubt yourself, but once you acknowledge that the ‘old DH’ is not coming back, you are liberated from feeling you should be the dutiful wife to the person that he is now. You owe no loyalty to this nasty, mean man that you live with now. He treats you with contempt!

Also, he is gaslighting you because he says he doesn’t want to separate, whilst simultaneously doing everything to make your life hell. What’s that about? He might even say he loves you, whilst being vicious and nasty. Of course this doesn’t add up. The only way it adds up is if you ask yourself: ‘What sort of person treats the person he is supposes to love with contempt, undermines her, makes false accusations, keeps her in a state of anxiety over what he might say or do next?’ The answer is: ‘A hate-filled abusive person who has no love or respect for his partner.’ That is the only (shocking) answer.

For a long time, I couldn’t believe in my heart that my ‘D’H hated me, even though he treated me as if he hated me. I remember saying to myself ‘It’s as if he hates me’, before I could actually understand that he DID hate me. It’s that whole ‘looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck - it IS a duck’.

This is about survival for you and your DD. He does not care for you. In time - and maybe with the help of Lundy Bancroft, you won’t spend so much time obsessing about the ‘Why’ - (I did that a lot, it’s definitely part of the process so perhaps there’s no avoiding all that why why why at the beginning). Eventually you will absolutely know that He. Won’t. Change. - therefore logically, the only way for this abuse to stop is for the marriage to end. It’s very tough, but it is true. And he should be the one to move out of the family home for the sake of your DD - can you work out a way for that scenario to play out?

Important - do you have someone/supportive family in real life that you can confide in? You need people that love you to hold you up and to verify that you’re not going mad. Female friends are wonderful.

My main piece of advice is to take very good care shopping around for a solicitor. Do not under-power this. You need a Rottweiler. If Rottweiler prowess is ultimately not needed, well fine, but you should have the necessary back-up.Tell her/him that you are in an abusive marriage and ask them what experience they have dealing with very hostile opposition. In my experience your H will try to be as obstructive as possible so your solicitor needs to be well-versed in how to deal with his extremes.

Good luck OP. You will get there.

Thank you for your message and I really hope for you you are out the other side of this now too. Questioning "why" and feeling like he hates me is exactly it as well as waiting for things to snap back to how they "were" or how I thought they were , is exactly where I'm at right now .

I do have a few close friends that I've told everything to who are being great ...I'm finding strength in that , even as I feel that my own internal strength has been battered by all of this ...

I know it's about survival ..and at the same time I think I'm waiting somehow, for either a lightbulb/ line in the sand moment where I feel / know for sure there is no going back ; or for things to somehow magically go back to how they were ...once ...

I feel almost mute around him even when the contempt/ silent treatment has lifted ...I feel like I don't know who this person is anymore and any sense of trust or safety I had in him isn't there anymore ....

You are right that legally , someone who fully know Thier stuff and will fight if ( when?) things got nasty , is so important ...

I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get there though ..

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 11/06/2023 16:01

Bluebeanbag · 10/06/2023 14:05

I really recognise the feelings you describe op. I was frozen and kept going back to try and fix things for so many years. Once I started on the path of leaving him, I also felt overdramatic and as if I was making a fuss about nothing (no physical violence here either).

I think the thing which convinced me that I was right and not being overdramatic was talking to my solicitor. She confirmed that the relationship was abusive and spoke to me in such a straightforward way about the practicalities of the situation that I felt validated and that I was finally doing the right thing. It seemed to really matter that a 'professional' had confirmed the abuse. I would definitely recommend an appointment with a good solicitor, if nothing else to just get it all straight in your head.

There is definitely a life beyond. I am now living that life and I can tell you absolutely everything has changed for me. The relief is indescribable. Rooting for you here 💐

Thank you @Bluebeanbag .
Frozen is right for how I feel right now, like I can't move either way and I'm trying myself in knots on what my next should be , that I'm essentially taking no steps in any direction ...

I'm so glad you are out the other side ...sometimes I'm imagining the relief it would feel not yo have to dread coming home ( or him coming home) just to be able to breathe ....

I'll take a look at your thread too , I could do with some hope right now ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 11/06/2023 17:26

ChristmasFluff · 10/06/2023 14:28

Lovely one, I want to reassure you that even when you've been beaten up, you don't feel like the abuse is 'enough'. I remember saying to the Police that I didn't feel like it was abuse because he'd never put me in hospital, and they reminded me 'that's because you relocated your own jaw that night.' They'd watched me do it as I refused to go to hospital.

When you are in the midst of abuse, you do not recognise its seriousness. But trust me, to not walk on eggshells is such a joy, and 6 months out you will wonder how you didn't realise how badly you were being treated. I wasn't even afraid of the abuser, even though he beat my head against the wall every day for the last month (and then severely beat me 5 times in the last two weeks). It's a lie that 'at least if he hit me I'd know it's abuse'. No, you still find reasons why it isn't.

You do not want this eggshell-walking for life. My father tolerated it, and he died having never had a life of his own, because he sacrificed it to my controlling mother. Please do not do that.

@ChristmasFluff I'm so sorry you had to go through that , you are right it's very hard to see fully what's happening while you are in it.
I hope you were able to get out of that situation and are safe now. It's definitely not something I want to tolerate the rest of my life ( or even another year) ...I just need to try and figure a way out of it tho .... Or at least my next steps ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 11/06/2023 17:29

emmylousings · 10/06/2023 14:46

I think your mum picking up on the atmosphere is significant. I'd discuss the challenges of children, marriage etc with her, if you can. Be good for you to get her perspective and for you to confide in her.

I will try and talk to my mum .
She is a bit of a worrier so I might need to pick my conversations ....but if she's noticed the atmosphere then it's definitely not just me...

I'm worried though she's a kind of " unless someone's done something really "wrong" you hang in there in marriage no matter what" ...

OP posts:
Bluebeanbag · 11/06/2023 20:31

I would say he HAS done something really wrong though. I think once you have reached the point of realisation that you are at now, you have to move forward with it, however hard or painful it might be. You can't unsee what you have seen, so going backwards just isn't an option.

Original poster
Bellairen · 14/06/2023 10:28

Thank you @Bluebeanbag
It's impossible to un see or un know now .... And yet I feel sometimes my feet are just stuck to the ground and I can't move forwards or backwards ...
I know I need to though

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 14/06/2023 10:51

@Bellairen you’re not stuck, you’re scared, but you start with small steps and keep it to yourself - don’t let him know. See a solicitor, knowledge is power. Start imaging your life without him in it, bringing you down, making you ill , criticising you. Imagine a peaceful happy life for you and your dc - and know YOU CAN ACHIEVE THAT. Small steps will get you there.

2022NewTimes · 14/06/2023 12:42

@Bellairen - I have been through this - was in a verbally / emotionally abusive / controlling relationship for nearly 30 years - last four years were horrific - name calling / being screamed at / constantly walking on eggshells not sure what would set him off. Gaslight me too and made up lies that I knew were completely false but he said them enough time in his head that he genuinely believed them....thats the really scary part

I left with my DC's early 2022 and my divorce finalised this year. Even this week I had a nightmare I will still there and how was I going to get out...... I guess it will take quite a few years / if ever - to get over that relationship

I can honestly say I am so happy to have removed myself from that situation - it would never have got better and I would rather be on my own than in a bad / toxic relationship.

You can do it.....I am rooting for you

Alcemeg · 14/06/2023 13:43

Bellairen · 14/06/2023 10:28

Thank you @Bluebeanbag
It's impossible to un see or un know now .... And yet I feel sometimes my feet are just stuck to the ground and I can't move forwards or backwards ...
I know I need to though

Your feet are glued to the ground because you are used to only taking action in his interests, not your own.

That needs to change, and it takes a while to get the hang of it. Basically you have to fake it till you make it. Act as though you matter, and eventually one day you will begin to understand that you do.

Original poster
Bellairen · 15/06/2023 22:09

goody2shooz · 14/06/2023 10:51

@Bellairen you’re not stuck, you’re scared, but you start with small steps and keep it to yourself - don’t let him know. See a solicitor, knowledge is power. Start imaging your life without him in it, bringing you down, making you ill , criticising you. Imagine a peaceful happy life for you and your dc - and know YOU CAN ACHIEVE THAT. Small steps will get you there.

Thank you ...I know I need to break it down , I just find myself feeling like such a horrible person even considering leaving .... And then a look or snappy remark and all I can think of is I can't stay living this way ...

Will email solicitors tomorrow .

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellairen · 15/06/2023 22:11

Alcemeg · 14/06/2023 13:43

Your feet are glued to the ground because you are used to only taking action in his interests, not your own.

That needs to change, and it takes a while to get the hang of it. Basically you have to fake it till you make it. Act as though you matter, and eventually one day you will begin to understand that you do.

Show quote history

Fake it till I make it has got me many a place before ..... Just need to muster up the courage for this.

I just feel emotionally exhausted and totally running on empty .... And remember myself in all this ...

OP posts:
Sunflower1978 · 06/01/2024 06:09

I came across your post whilst dealing with similar issues myself. I’m just wondering what the update is on your situation. Did you leave him?xx

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