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Original poster

Doesn't want to be on birth certificate

133 replies

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 15:09

Me and my partner have been together since 2016 and had a baby only three weeks ago. We had plans on moving in, but due to him delaying the renovations it meant it wasn't practical living there with baby due to no bathroom or hot water. Despite him saying he would do it long before baby was born but I feel he lost motivation and interest. So now I'm living at my grandparents which is far from ideal and I'm struggling to raise baby the way I feel is best due to being in a controlling and "traditional" environment.

Recently he's been acting very distant, he's been to see baby probably 5 times in three weeks because he lives 45mins away. When he's here he doesn't do much with him, I think he's held him twice since he was born and refuses to give him a bottle. But I put that down to first time nerves as baby is his first child.

Today I had the discussion with my nan about registering baby, I sent a text to my partner asking if he'll be attending the appointment and he said no. Meaning he won't be able to be on the birth certificate, which I was surprised about as we previously discussed baby having his name for various reasons. And now he's adamant that he won't be going on the birth certificate and says he isn't bothered about it.

So what do I do in this situation, do I just leave him off it? I told him what it meant if he didn't, but doesn't seem to make any difference to him at all. I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want, but I can't help but feel very sad towards this as I've waited a long time for this baby and thought he was brilliant for the first week until he went distant. I told everyone how I'd be lost without him at the hospital and the few days after as I stayed at his until I moved back to my nans. And now I'm basically a single parent as I do absolutely everything on my own, and I've been lucky to see him once this week for an hour at midnight before he went home to his own bed.

Feels pretty pathetic as we're both very much grown adults, and him being in his mid 30s I imagined he'd be mature enough to make the right decisions based on what's best for his son, but it's as if he just doesn't care anymore, and it only took a few weeks for him to change into a completely different person it seems.

OP posts:
OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 30/01/2023 15:11

Do not give the baby his surname, put a claim in for child maintenance and try and find a home for you and the baby. He is a waste of space.

pippinsleftleg · 30/01/2023 15:13

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 30/01/2023 15:11

Do not give the baby his surname, put a claim in for child maintenance and try and find a home for you and the baby. He is a waste of space.

This

SoupDragon · 30/01/2023 15:13

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 30/01/2023 15:11

Do not give the baby his surname, put a claim in for child maintenance and try and find a home for you and the baby. He is a waste of space.

Yes, this 100%.

Twizbe · 30/01/2023 15:14

I'm afraid it sounds he won't be your partner much longer.

Let him know the appointment date and the implication of him not being there. Remind him that he doesn't have to be on the birth certificate to pay CM.

Give baby your surname.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2023 15:15

Brilliant. Means you can travel etc. without invoking him but can also still claim for CS. Name your child and register the baby without his name and immediately claim for CS.

ChessieFL · 30/01/2023 15:16

He is telling you what he really thinks of parenthood and your partnership. He doesn’t care. Sorry OP. Congratulations on your new baby though Flowers

Lottapianos · 30/01/2023 15:16

'Do not give the baby his surname, put a claim in for child maintenance and try and find a home for you and the baby. He is a waste of space.'

Couldn't put it better. Just to repeat - do not, for the love of sanity, give the baby his last name

You must be so hurt and so shocked. Please don't waste any energy on trying to convince him to step up and be a proper father. He had shown you who he is, so please believe him. Look around to see who is there, who is willing to support you, and run towards them. Forget him

RedRobin100 · 30/01/2023 15:17

Again - this..

megletthesecond · 30/01/2023 15:17

Do not put him on the birth certificate and make sure you give the baby your surname. I expect he thinks he can wriggle out of child maintenance this way.

PatriciaHolm · 30/01/2023 15:17

Well, if you are not married and he doesn't come the appointment, you can't put him on the cert - he has to consent, normally by being there (he could fill out a statutory declaration of parentage but it doesn't sound as if he will).

So you can't add him. Give baby your name and tbh I'd be going forward assuming single parenthood unfortunately.

Catapultaway · 30/01/2023 15:18

I assume the pregnancy was an accident.

It sounds like he is not really that in to you, or his baby. You need to start planning for doing this alone.

Original poster
Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 15:18

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 30/01/2023 15:11

Do not give the baby his surname, put a claim in for child maintenance and try and find a home for you and the baby. He is a waste of space.

Thank you, currently looking into CM but seems complicated. And have spoken to my health visitor about going on the council list, but she said because I'm adequately housed I'd be considered low priority, so to get it done sooner than later. This is my second time a single parent so luckily not too much of a shock to the system as I kind of expected it to go this way I think

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 30/01/2023 15:19

Register the baby with your name. It would be a massive mistake not to now that he is showing his true colours.

You can still claim child maintenance if he's not on the birth certificate.

If he changes his mind later then it's a question of him filling out some forms and paying a fee.

It is time to assume that he's not interested in being a partner and father. Don't block contact but make start making future plans without him. Contact the CMS and enjoy being a mother to your long awaited son

SBHon · 30/01/2023 15:19

He’s not your partner. In no way is this a partnership.

Original poster
Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 15:19

Catapultaway · 30/01/2023 15:18

I assume the pregnancy was an accident.

It sounds like he is not really that in to you, or his baby. You need to start planning for doing this alone.

The pregnancy was actually planned, we had been planning it for about three years but we had a change in our financial situation mid last year which made things a bit more complicated and put a lot of strain on our relationship

OP posts:
Naunet · 30/01/2023 15:20

Well he’s clearly already got one foot out of the door so it’s probably best he doesn’t go on the BC anyway. The stupid sod probably thinks it means you won’t be able to claim maintenance - which I hope you are by the way (or that he’s giving you money voluntarily).

Why on earth would you give the child his name? You’ve done all of the hard work here, and will likely be raising this child single handed, plus tradition dictates the baby gets the same name as you anyway.

Dump this useless idiot, claim maintenance and start planning how you move forward.

Snowybeach · 30/01/2023 15:21

So whose is the house you were renovating?

ArcticSkewer · 30/01/2023 15:23

How is claiming CM complicated?

Ponderingwindow · 30/01/2023 15:24

Please stop calling him your partner.
he has effectively abandoned his child. That should be the death knell of your relationship.

filing for cm is not complicated. Him actually complying with cm is a different matter . That is only your problem to the extent it leaves your household inadequately funded which will happen if you file or don’t. Any issues it creates for him are not your problem.

Original poster
Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 15:24

Snowybeach · 30/01/2023 15:21

So whose is the house you were renovating?

It's a chalet on his parents land, and I had stupidly put a lot of money into it. Big lesson learned I think 😪

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2023 15:29

He didn't change into a completely different person. He is exactly the same person he's always been, you just ignored the red flags.

Naunet · 30/01/2023 15:36

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 15:24

It's a chalet on his parents land, and I had stupidly put a lot of money into it. Big lesson learned I think 😪

Show quote history

Oh OP, you need to demand your money back, even if you’re unlikely to get it.

longwayoff · 30/01/2023 15:36

Another frog. Ditch him asap OP, you'll be thankful for the unhappiness it will save you and your child.

Mom2K · 30/01/2023 15:38

I would not, under any circumstance put him on the birth certificate and give baby his last name. I don't know why anyone would want to list the father on the birth certificate even if married and things are ok at the time, because if you ever do split up you can't get passports or travel anywhere without his consent. That's all fine and dandy if your ex is amicable but if you're in a situation like mine where my ex is difficult on everything then it's a massive problem.

I wish I had really known what it meant to add or not add to birth certificate 16 years ago when I put my then husband/father of my children on the birth certificates. I had never predicted divorce back then but I'd have still left him off it knowing the restrictions it would put on me if we ever split.

Your bf doesn't even want to be on it, I'd be happy about this and move along without him. Doesn't sound like he is a good partner or father.

Paq · 30/01/2023 15:39

You gave him money? Can you get it back?