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Original poster

Doesn't want to be on birth certificate

133 replies

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 15:09

Me and my partner have been together since 2016 and had a baby only three weeks ago. We had plans on moving in, but due to him delaying the renovations it meant it wasn't practical living there with baby due to no bathroom or hot water. Despite him saying he would do it long before baby was born but I feel he lost motivation and interest. So now I'm living at my grandparents which is far from ideal and I'm struggling to raise baby the way I feel is best due to being in a controlling and "traditional" environment.

Recently he's been acting very distant, he's been to see baby probably 5 times in three weeks because he lives 45mins away. When he's here he doesn't do much with him, I think he's held him twice since he was born and refuses to give him a bottle. But I put that down to first time nerves as baby is his first child.

Today I had the discussion with my nan about registering baby, I sent a text to my partner asking if he'll be attending the appointment and he said no. Meaning he won't be able to be on the birth certificate, which I was surprised about as we previously discussed baby having his name for various reasons. And now he's adamant that he won't be going on the birth certificate and says he isn't bothered about it.

So what do I do in this situation, do I just leave him off it? I told him what it meant if he didn't, but doesn't seem to make any difference to him at all. I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want, but I can't help but feel very sad towards this as I've waited a long time for this baby and thought he was brilliant for the first week until he went distant. I told everyone how I'd be lost without him at the hospital and the few days after as I stayed at his until I moved back to my nans. And now I'm basically a single parent as I do absolutely everything on my own, and I've been lucky to see him once this week for an hour at midnight before he went home to his own bed.

Feels pretty pathetic as we're both very much grown adults, and him being in his mid 30s I imagined he'd be mature enough to make the right decisions based on what's best for his son, but it's as if he just doesn't care anymore, and it only took a few weeks for him to change into a completely different person it seems.

OP posts:
Paq · 30/01/2023 15:42

@Mom2K ultimately the birth certificate is the property of the child, if you are married or in a committed, stable relationship it's a bit drastic to leave the father blank on the off chance you break up and he wants to stop your trip to Spain for your holidays.

Hatscats · 30/01/2023 15:46

Definitely don’t give the baby his name, don’t invite him again either.
he is a waste of space and you’re better off without him!

WilsonMilson · 30/01/2023 15:47

You are NOT really in a relationship with this guy. He couldn’t give a flying shit.

Do not register the baby with his surname. Put in a claim for child maintenance and tell him to fuck right off.

plumduck · 30/01/2023 15:48

He's not really your partner

SirVixofVixHall · 30/01/2023 15:51

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2023 15:15

Brilliant. Means you can travel etc. without invoking him but can also still claim for CS. Name your child and register the baby without his name and immediately claim for CS.

This.

whattodo1975 · 30/01/2023 15:52

As others have said don't give the baby his name (and ignore your grandparents if they tell you that baby should have dads name).

Sounds like he is from a family with money. Have you made his parents aware of how shit is being as a dad ? They might financially assist you out of shame so at least you could get set up on your own.

Is your other child's father on the scene ?

Clymene · 30/01/2023 15:53

He's dumped you and your baby. What a shithead

Unfortunately for him, not being on the birth certificate doesn't mean he can get away without paying maintenance so start a claim now.

OnTheRoadAgain1 · 30/01/2023 15:53

WilsonMilson · 30/01/2023 15:47

You are NOT really in a relationship with this guy. He couldn’t give a flying shit.

Do not register the baby with his surname. Put in a claim for child maintenance and tell him to fuck right off.

This. Plus don't warn him he'll still have to pay CM incase he then changes his mind and gets rights. Your DS deserves a decent Dad and he is not one already!

I'm normally very much in the 'Dad's should always be named on the birth certificate for the child' camp, but he doesn't even want on it - presumably to escape paying CM - so don't give him the heads up!

I take it he wouldn't give you the money back that you put into the chalet?

EL0ISE · 30/01/2023 15:54

Child maintenance is very easy, do it today.

Zonder · 30/01/2023 15:56

Sorry you've been left like this. Good to find out what he's like before you gave the child his name.

MysteryBelle · 30/01/2023 15:58

Listen to the good advice from pp. You put a lot of your money into renovations of a chalet on your partner’s parents’ land, a chalet, it turns out, you probably will never move into?

Op. You need to raise your standards for a partner much, much, much higher. The father of your child should have been totally committed to you a long time ago. There should not be a doubt or any agonizing. It seems you don’t know how things could be. Learn now. A stable, responsible, loyal man who loves you will commit to you pretty soon after meeting you. He will want to be with you, he will ask you to marry you in a timely manner that suits you, because what suits you will suit him because he loves you. His finances will be open to you from the beginning. He will never take advantage of your finances like you paying for his family’s renovations, and then drop you. He will not go ‘distant’, he will not disappear, he would never leave you and baby having to live with your grandparents while he lives elsewhere. Never. He would automatically be on the birth certificate as your husband and the father of your child.

Op, look at the possibilities of having a wonderful life with a good man. That good man will be a decent father to your child. Go find that man. In the meantime, drop the piece of garbage you’re agonizing over now. He is not good enough. He is so far below you, you need to see that.

KangarooKenny · 30/01/2023 15:59

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 30/01/2023 15:11

Do not give the baby his surname, put a claim in for child maintenance and try and find a home for you and the baby. He is a waste of space.

This

Eleganz · 30/01/2023 16:00

Paq · 30/01/2023 15:42

@Mom2K ultimately the birth certificate is the property of the child, if you are married or in a committed, stable relationship it's a bit drastic to leave the father blank on the off chance you break up and he wants to stop your trip to Spain for your holidays.

Wouldn't have mattered anyway as she says "husband". Parental responsibilities are automatically gained by the father if married to the mother, regardless of whether they are listed on the birth certificate.

WestBridgewater · 30/01/2023 16:00

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 30/01/2023 15:11

Do not give the baby his surname, put a claim in for child maintenance and try and find a home for you and the baby. He is a waste of space.

👆👆👆👆👆

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/01/2023 16:03

Given the red flags he’s sending out I’d happily keep his name of the BC and give the child your own surname.

sounds like he’s ending the relationship.

names can be added to BC at a later date if you both agree. So maybe just do the BC yourself and if things seem ok down the line he can be added then.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/01/2023 16:04

Get your money out of the chalet if you can

Claim cms, ring them and they will be able to talk you through it. Don't put him on the birth certificate

euff · 30/01/2023 16:09

Could he have frittered the money you gave towards renovations and that's why they haven't been done/ completed?

Mom2K · 30/01/2023 16:09

ultimately the birth certificate is the property of the child, if you are married or in a committed, stable relationship it's a bit drastic to leave the father blank on the off chance you break up and he wants to stop your trip to Spain for your holidays.

If the child is aware who their father is, I don't see why having him listed on a piece of paper is relevant or not. A name on a piece of paper doesn't prove said person is the father either so can't see why it matters...🤷‍♀️ I wouldn't care at all if my dad was listed on my birth certificate or not (in fact I don't even know if if he's on there, I'd have to look) but my parents have been married 42 years, I have a good relationship with him, there is no question he's my dad. I just don't see any relevance to his name being on there or not. I only see the potential downsides. Yes the birth certificate is for the child...and my teens hate the fact that their deadbeat absent dad can restrict them until they're 18. I'm sure they'd have appreciated him not being on there, if we're looking at it from a rights of the child perspective.

Smooshface · 30/01/2023 16:13

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 15:24

It's a chalet on his parents land, and I had stupidly put a lot of money into it. Big lesson learned I think 😪

Show quote history

If you paid directly for any improvements you might be able to take him to court to get the money back.

Sorry this happening to you, it is awful. I hope that he wakes up to what he is doing and changes his mind if that is what you want, but you will be OK if not, you have got this!

category12 · 30/01/2023 16:16

Wondering if he was just keeping you sweet because of the chalet and now he's fucked you off.

BloodAndFire · 30/01/2023 16:17

Paq · 30/01/2023 15:42

@Mom2K ultimately the birth certificate is the property of the child, if you are married or in a committed, stable relationship it's a bit drastic to leave the father blank on the off chance you break up and he wants to stop your trip to Spain for your holidays.

She can't put him on there without him being there, which he has refused to do.

Giving the baby his surname would be next-level stupid. Don't do that.

larchforest · 30/01/2023 16:20

He is probably stupid enough to think that not being on the certificate means he won't have to pay maintenance and can just walk away from you and the baby.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 30/01/2023 16:21

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 15:18

Thank you, currently looking into CM but seems complicated. And have spoken to my health visitor about going on the council list, but she said because I'm adequately housed I'd be considered low priority, so to get it done sooner than later. This is my second time a single parent so luckily not too much of a shock to the system as I kind of expected it to go this way I think

Show quote history

CM is complicated but you need to persevere. he owes it to the baby and you need to hold him to account.

Ask your grandparents to write a formal letter to you giving you notice that you have to leave. you will then be no longer considered "adequately housed" and you will be a priority for the council. your grandparents are under no obligation to house you.

do not give the baby his surname.

Theunamedcat · 30/01/2023 16:27

Child maintenance is really not complex name and date of birth address and if he is working the end

TemperateForest · 30/01/2023 16:29

Put in a claim for child maintenance today

Do not put his name on the birth certificate

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