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Original poster

Doesn't want to be on birth certificate

133 replies

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 15:09

Me and my partner have been together since 2016 and had a baby only three weeks ago. We had plans on moving in, but due to him delaying the renovations it meant it wasn't practical living there with baby due to no bathroom or hot water. Despite him saying he would do it long before baby was born but I feel he lost motivation and interest. So now I'm living at my grandparents which is far from ideal and I'm struggling to raise baby the way I feel is best due to being in a controlling and "traditional" environment.

Recently he's been acting very distant, he's been to see baby probably 5 times in three weeks because he lives 45mins away. When he's here he doesn't do much with him, I think he's held him twice since he was born and refuses to give him a bottle. But I put that down to first time nerves as baby is his first child.

Today I had the discussion with my nan about registering baby, I sent a text to my partner asking if he'll be attending the appointment and he said no. Meaning he won't be able to be on the birth certificate, which I was surprised about as we previously discussed baby having his name for various reasons. And now he's adamant that he won't be going on the birth certificate and says he isn't bothered about it.

So what do I do in this situation, do I just leave him off it? I told him what it meant if he didn't, but doesn't seem to make any difference to him at all. I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want, but I can't help but feel very sad towards this as I've waited a long time for this baby and thought he was brilliant for the first week until he went distant. I told everyone how I'd be lost without him at the hospital and the few days after as I stayed at his until I moved back to my nans. And now I'm basically a single parent as I do absolutely everything on my own, and I've been lucky to see him once this week for an hour at midnight before he went home to his own bed.

Feels pretty pathetic as we're both very much grown adults, and him being in his mid 30s I imagined he'd be mature enough to make the right decisions based on what's best for his son, but it's as if he just doesn't care anymore, and it only took a few weeks for him to change into a completely different person it seems.

OP posts:
Amybelle88 · 30/01/2023 17:30

Twizbe · 30/01/2023 15:14

I'm afraid it sounds he won't be your partner much longer.

Let him know the appointment date and the implication of him not being there. Remind him that he doesn't have to be on the birth certificate to pay CM.

Give baby your surname.

All of this.

GrazingSheep · 30/01/2023 17:31

Op, look at the possibilities of having a wonderful life with a good man. That good man will be a decent father to your child. Go find that man.

The op may be better off embracing single life at this stage.

Original poster
Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 17:36

moggiek · 30/01/2023 17:30

I feel sorry for your grandparents. Believe me, no matter how much they love you, foisting a young child and a new infant on them is completely unfair.

I'm in a completely seperate annex from them. Completely seperate spaces, and as much as I feel like a burden (which I obviously am), I pull my weight around the house and do everything for myself so they don't have to be left cleaning up my mess. And they say they love being able to see their grandchildren as much as they can, as they wouldn't get that opportunity if we were living elsewhere..

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 17:43

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 17:36

I'm in a completely seperate annex from them. Completely seperate spaces, and as much as I feel like a burden (which I obviously am), I pull my weight around the house and do everything for myself so they don't have to be left cleaning up my mess. And they say they love being able to see their grandchildren as much as they can, as they wouldn't get that opportunity if we were living elsewhere..

Show quote history

Who pays for your living expenses?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/01/2023 17:45

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 17:17

Where did I say garden?? It's farming land that belongs to his parents. Not exactly a garden 😂He has to live there full time due to running their farm..

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The ridiculousness of TTC with a boyfriend you don't live with is only marginally less if he's "on the land" as opposed to in the garden.
And he's absolutely proven my point with his cba to be a Dad routine.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 17:53

SleepingStandingUp · 30/01/2023 17:45

The ridiculousness of TTC with a boyfriend you don't live with is only marginally less if he's "on the land" as opposed to in the garden.
And he's absolutely proven my point with his cba to be a Dad routine.

Show quote history

I really don't think there was any TTC going on, seeing as there were two possible baby daddies in the picture and talk of DNA tests

Can't tell if this makes it better or worse tbh

Mojoj · 30/01/2023 17:55

The feckless eejit probably thinks if he's not named on the birth certificate, he's not liable to pay CM. Get in there and make sure you get what your baby's entitled to. Good luck.

4thonthe4th · 30/01/2023 17:56

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 17:53

I really don't think there was any TTC going on, seeing as there were two possible baby daddies in the picture and talk of DNA tests

Can't tell if this makes it better or worse tbh

Show quote history

And the fact she made a thread in October stating she was thinking of putting the baby up for adoption and regrets around getting pregnant to a man who was open about not wanting children …..

Sereni5 · 30/01/2023 18:05

SoupDragon · 30/01/2023 15:13

Yes, this 100%.

Show quote history

10000000000000000%

Mom2K · 30/01/2023 18:08

*But you were married to your children's father so it makes no difference as to his parental responsibility as he gains it automatically anyway. Wives can't just deprive their husbands of parental responsibility by missing them off the birth certificate, the law doesn't work that way.

OP's situation is totally different as she is not married to the man and so has options here*

Where I live, I had a married friend who excluded her husband from the birth certificate when their child was born (they were staring to split up, but still legally married) and was never required to have any consent from him regarding passports travel etc because his name wasn't on the birth certificate. Maybe that's just where I live, I don't know.

This is kind of derailing my point though - married or not, I was just trying to say that if it's possible to leave the name off and exclude parental responsibility from the other parent (especially in the case of the OP where clearly he isn't going to step up and be an involved/good parent) then that is the best option, and can't really see why anyone would insist on having the other parent on there. Just seems like it has the potential to cause trouble rather than it having any benefit.

unfortunateevents · 30/01/2023 18:31

I vaguely remember your previous threads. This is a mess. If you think claiming CM is complicated (which other posters have said is not the case), then who is paying for your first child? Where is his/her father? Also on the one hand you say that you are in a completely separate annex in your grandparents' house, but on the other hand you struggle because they are controlling and traditional. If the annex is totally separate, why is your supposed partner not living there with you or at least staying over a couple of nights a week? Forty five minutes to get back to his parents is a perfectly reasonable commute which many people do daily.

Cocobutt · 30/01/2023 18:32

I thought you were going to say you were both teenagers!

You need to stop being so passive and start putting your foot down.

I would be giving him an ultimatum that he either goes on the birth certificate (unless there are DNA doubts) or the relationship is over.
It is not fair to the child to not have both parents on it.

Unless he doesn’t drive then he should be seeing the baby at least every other day.

Find out exactly how long it’s going to take to do the repairs.

Cocobutt · 30/01/2023 18:34

And the fact she made a thread in October stating she was thinking of putting the baby up for adoption and regrets around getting pregnant to a man who was open about not wanting children …..

FFS what’s the point in making a thread and asking for advice if it’s all lies.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2023 20:28

Cocobutt · 30/01/2023 18:34

And the fact she made a thread in October stating she was thinking of putting the baby up for adoption and regrets around getting pregnant to a man who was open about not wanting children …..

FFS what’s the point in making a thread and asking for advice if it’s all lies.

What a waste of everyone's time.

OP, sort your shit out.

Original poster
Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 20:40

Cocobutt · 30/01/2023 18:34

And the fact she made a thread in October stating she was thinking of putting the baby up for adoption and regrets around getting pregnant to a man who was open about not wanting children …..

FFS what’s the point in making a thread and asking for advice if it’s all lies.

Why on earth would I be lying about this?? I've been in several very different situations throughout my pregnancy. Yes I admit alot of the choices I've made have been questionable, and I've learned a lot of lessons over the past year. But I'm certainly not lying about this. I just happened to be in a different place and situation back then mentally and physically.

If anyone needs me to prove myself I'm more than happy to, just let me know how..

OP posts:
Original poster
Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 20:41

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2023 20:28

What a waste of everyone's time.

OP, sort your shit out.

Show quote history

Yes I know I need to sort my shit out, that's why I've come here asking for help and advice. Which I've recieved plenty of, but no need to tell me what I already know 🙄

OP posts:
Littlebluedinosaur · 30/01/2023 20:44

Don’t give the baby his name.

MrNook · 30/01/2023 20:54

You posted on another thread that you're only 24, your "partner" was verbally and mentally abusive, you say you've been together nearly a decade in that thread and you're not even living together, he doesn't see his child, he goes through periods of not texting you, you think there's another woman, you also cheated on him, you're unemployed and so is he and he has no money at all.

Honestly it doesn't sound like you're in much of a relationship at all, certainly not a healthy one.

Ditch him, focus on working on yourself and your mental health and making things better for you and your baby and turning your life around.

LIZS · 30/01/2023 20:58

Also he never wanted children and has never spent Christmas with you. That does not sound very committed to a relationship, let alone family life,

Boomboom22 · 30/01/2023 21:00

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 20:40

Why on earth would I be lying about this?? I've been in several very different situations throughout my pregnancy. Yes I admit alot of the choices I've made have been questionable, and I've learned a lot of lessons over the past year. But I'm certainly not lying about this. I just happened to be in a different place and situation back then mentally and physically.

If anyone needs me to prove myself I'm more than happy to, just let me know how..

Show quote history

Because you can't simultaneously be trying to ttc for 3yrs in this relationship and also him be clear he doesn't want kids and you slept with someone else?

Because he's gone from jobless to working on the family farm.

MrNook · 30/01/2023 21:03

If you've been together since 2016 so 6/7 years and you're 24 and he's mid 30s that means you've been together since you were 17/18 and he was 28/29?

Snowybeach · 30/01/2023 21:06

How old is your other child op?

ofwarren · 30/01/2023 21:14

Is this one of those posters who makes up different stories for a laugh?
You need to be good at remembering what you've posted before to be able to get away with doing that.

Original poster
Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 21:16

ofwarren · 30/01/2023 21:14

Is this one of those posters who makes up different stories for a laugh?
You need to be good at remembering what you've posted before to be able to get away with doing that.

Oh yeah, because writing about someone not wanting to be on a birth certificate is a right good laugh isn't it.. If I was doing it for a laugh I think I'd choose something a bit more interesting than that but okay😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 21:18

MrNook · 30/01/2023 21:03

If you've been together since 2016 so 6/7 years and you're 24 and he's mid 30s that means you've been together since you were 17/18 and he was 28/29?

Yes, and your point is what exactly? That he's a predator?

OP posts:
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