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Original poster

Doesn't want to be on birth certificate

133 replies

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 15:09

Me and my partner have been together since 2016 and had a baby only three weeks ago. We had plans on moving in, but due to him delaying the renovations it meant it wasn't practical living there with baby due to no bathroom or hot water. Despite him saying he would do it long before baby was born but I feel he lost motivation and interest. So now I'm living at my grandparents which is far from ideal and I'm struggling to raise baby the way I feel is best due to being in a controlling and "traditional" environment.

Recently he's been acting very distant, he's been to see baby probably 5 times in three weeks because he lives 45mins away. When he's here he doesn't do much with him, I think he's held him twice since he was born and refuses to give him a bottle. But I put that down to first time nerves as baby is his first child.

Today I had the discussion with my nan about registering baby, I sent a text to my partner asking if he'll be attending the appointment and he said no. Meaning he won't be able to be on the birth certificate, which I was surprised about as we previously discussed baby having his name for various reasons. And now he's adamant that he won't be going on the birth certificate and says he isn't bothered about it.

So what do I do in this situation, do I just leave him off it? I told him what it meant if he didn't, but doesn't seem to make any difference to him at all. I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want, but I can't help but feel very sad towards this as I've waited a long time for this baby and thought he was brilliant for the first week until he went distant. I told everyone how I'd be lost without him at the hospital and the few days after as I stayed at his until I moved back to my nans. And now I'm basically a single parent as I do absolutely everything on my own, and I've been lucky to see him once this week for an hour at midnight before he went home to his own bed.

Feels pretty pathetic as we're both very much grown adults, and him being in his mid 30s I imagined he'd be mature enough to make the right decisions based on what's best for his son, but it's as if he just doesn't care anymore, and it only took a few weeks for him to change into a completely different person it seems.

OP posts:
Eleganz · 30/01/2023 16:40

Mom2K · 30/01/2023 16:09

ultimately the birth certificate is the property of the child, if you are married or in a committed, stable relationship it's a bit drastic to leave the father blank on the off chance you break up and he wants to stop your trip to Spain for your holidays.

If the child is aware who their father is, I don't see why having him listed on a piece of paper is relevant or not. A name on a piece of paper doesn't prove said person is the father either so can't see why it matters...🤷‍♀️ I wouldn't care at all if my dad was listed on my birth certificate or not (in fact I don't even know if if he's on there, I'd have to look) but my parents have been married 42 years, I have a good relationship with him, there is no question he's my dad. I just don't see any relevance to his name being on there or not. I only see the potential downsides. Yes the birth certificate is for the child...and my teens hate the fact that their deadbeat absent dad can restrict them until they're 18. I'm sure they'd have appreciated him not being on there, if we're looking at it from a rights of the child perspective.

But you were married to your children's father so it makes no difference as to his parental responsibility as he gains it automatically anyway. Wives can't just deprive their husbands of parental responsibility by missing them off the birth certificate, the law doesn't work that way.

OP's situation is totally different as she is not married to the man and so has options here.

GlassBunion · 30/01/2023 16:45

It sounds like he's already checked out of your relationship.

I think you need to go it alone .

LIZS · 30/01/2023 16:46

Did you post about this situation before the baby arrived? Is the chalet quite isolated and how working for his family. You need to plan your future without his support, if he can't be bothered now he never will. Apply for social housing asap and get cms on to your ex, although I suspect his income is difficult to pin down.

Biscuits1011 · 30/01/2023 16:49

He is not your partner. Not in any sense of the word.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/01/2023 16:51

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 15:24

It's a chalet on his parents land, and I had stupidly put a lot of money into it. Big lesson learned I think 😪

Show quote history

So you were living with your grandparents and your first child when you decided to ttc with a guy you'd never lived with?

Now he won't renovate a "chalet" in his parents garden where you were proposing to live with the two kids?
And he's refused to be on the birth cert nexus he cba?

I'd make it clear he doesn't need to be for you to claim CM and as you're now a single x parent that is what you have to do and make it clear the relationship is over and he's not getting sex.

Could your grandparents help with a private rent? If you're 30s they must be 70s-80s and now have you, your older child and a newborn with no where else to live.

TemperateForest · 30/01/2023 16:56

You need to look after number 1 - yourself & your children

You need to prioritise yourself & your children

Stop worrying about your (useless, irresponsible) ex

You have all the responsibility

Put in claim for child maintenance today

Apply for universal credit today

BarryK3nt · 30/01/2023 16:59

OP is he definitely the father? Under your previous username you weren’t sure and you needed a DNA test. Did you get one done?

Zodfa · 30/01/2023 17:00

What an absolute arsehole. Can't be bothered to travel 45 minutes to see his only child! Plenty of people travel further than that every day just to get to work.

Dyrne · 30/01/2023 17:00

Get on the list for housing now; it doesn’t matter if you’re low priority for now, get on it so you can get started in the system.

As others have said, start planning as though you’re a single parent - look at what benefits and support you can access; and get moving on a child maintenance claim.

Give the baby your surname, not his.

Speak to a solicitor to see about how you can get your money back from the chalet - often if you can prove you’d paid towards the property substantially you can have a legal claim but you need to understand what proof you need and what that claim may look like.

4thonthe4th · 30/01/2023 17:00

Why aren’t you all living in the house he is living in currently? Or is that the chalet? Is that where the 4 of you were going to live? Have his parents said anything or met the baby? Where did you all live before the baby was born?

What a shit situation, I hope you’re ok!
As PPs have said; definitely don’t put him on the BC and get the CM sorted ASAP!

4thonthe4th · 30/01/2023 17:01

BarryK3nt · 30/01/2023 16:59

OP is he definitely the father? Under your previous username you weren’t sure and you needed a DNA test. Did you get one done?

Oh god 🙈🙈

4thonthe4th · 30/01/2023 17:05

OP I’ve just found another post you made saying you’d split with your partner of almost a decade and were considering putting the baby up for adoption as you are both jobless and you live with your parents?

What is going on here??? Is the baby staying with you? How long were you actually with this man? What money went into the chalet if you’re both jobless?

Original poster
Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 17:10

BarryK3nt · 30/01/2023 16:59

OP is he definitely the father? Under your previous username you weren’t sure and you needed a DNA test. Did you get one done?

We didn't get one in the end, as soon as baby came there was no doubt he was his and turns out I wasn't as far along as the scans showed

OP posts:
Kissedbyfire1 · 30/01/2023 17:14

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2023 15:15

Brilliant. Means you can travel etc. without invoking him but can also still claim for CS. Name your child and register the baby without his name and immediately claim for CS.

This. He obviously thinks that if he’s not named on the bc he can get away without paying. Twat. Prepare for him to dispute paternity too.

Caszekey · 30/01/2023 17:16

Who on earth op were you ttc with a boyfriend who lives in his parents garden whilst you live your grandparents?? You sound 16, not 30 odd

Caszekey · 30/01/2023 17:16

*why not who

Original poster
Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 17:17

Caszekey · 30/01/2023 17:16

Who on earth op were you ttc with a boyfriend who lives in his parents garden whilst you live your grandparents?? You sound 16, not 30 odd

Where did I say garden?? It's farming land that belongs to his parents. Not exactly a garden 😂He has to live there full time due to running their farm..

OP posts:
4thonthe4th · 30/01/2023 17:17

Bakedpotatos · 30/01/2023 17:17

Where did I say garden?? It's farming land that belongs to his parents. Not exactly a garden 😂He has to live there full time due to running their farm..

Show quote history

You said he was jobless before

uncomfortablydumb53 · 30/01/2023 17:18

Did you draw anything up legally when you put money into the chalet?
I think best assume he's out of the picture
He can't be on the birth certificate unless he attends with you, so baby has your name

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 17:18

He's dumped you and baby. It's obvious. You couldn't put him on the BC even if you wanted to. And he probably is stupid enough to think no BC = no maintenance.

Focus on your kids, get your finances in order and stop having babies with men who have shown no commitment to you...

4thonthe4th · 30/01/2023 17:20

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 17:18

He's dumped you and baby. It's obvious. You couldn't put him on the BC even if you wanted to. And he probably is stupid enough to think no BC = no maintenance.

Focus on your kids, get your finances in order and stop having babies with men who have shown no commitment to you...

She’s previously said neither of them have any money or a job. I don’t know how he’s going to renovate a chalet or pay CM.

BadNomad · 30/01/2023 17:22

I wonder if he thinks by not going on the birth certificate he won't be liable to pay CM. If he does, he's wrong. It isn't that difficult to make a claim. Do it. It's the only thing he can be forced to do for his child.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2023 17:26

BadNomad · 30/01/2023 17:22

I wonder if he thinks by not going on the birth certificate he won't be liable to pay CM. If he does, he's wrong. It isn't that difficult to make a claim. Do it. It's the only thing he can be forced to do for his child.

Only if he actually earns any money.

And if he's working the family farm I bet he can hide it

Bigbadfish · 30/01/2023 17:26

JFC you are just a series of crap decisions that really screw over your kids..
He's dumped you.

Get CM sorted. It's not that complicated.

moggiek · 30/01/2023 17:30

I feel sorry for your grandparents. Believe me, no matter how much they love you, foisting a young child and a new infant on them is completely unfair.

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