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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair advice

108 replies

Iammeandunhappy · 29/01/2023 08:32

Hello. Just that really.

Anyone on here, who had an affair, and would be willing to privately get in touch with me to discuss it with me?

I am not after any advice/comment on the wrong doings of my affair, nor do I want to disclose any details of it.

Anyone on here, who had an affair, and would be happy to share with me? My husband knows and we are working through things. I would like to hear of stories of whether you managed to move on! How long did it take to forget AP. How did you deal with triggers? How did your help your husband?

There must be someone out there, please!

As I said, there will be many women triggered just by the title! I do not have to be told I deserve all that is happening to me. I am fully aware of that. Please refrain from negative comments if possible.

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 29/01/2023 08:36

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Alwaysworryingoversomething · 29/01/2023 08:38

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Original poster
Iammeandunhappy · 29/01/2023 08:38

This reply has been deleted

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I am not a journalist. I am just a woman who got herself into a mess. It's that simple. This is a genuine request.

OP posts:
Alwaysworryingoversomething · 29/01/2023 08:39

Why ask people to contact you privately? This is a discussion forum.

If people want to discuss this with you they can change their name if concerned about being identified.

Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 08:41

It’s an anonymous forum so no need for a DM. That’s what’s making your post sound like a journo one.

Why can’t you discuss it in the forum?

I had an affair and got away with it. The grass was not greener. One thing I learned is that here it’s called the script, but in my case it was true, if there wasn’t such a lack of love and affection I wouldn’t have turned my head to go looking for it.

Original poster
Iammeandunhappy · 29/01/2023 08:46

Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 08:41

It’s an anonymous forum so no need for a DM. That’s what’s making your post sound like a journo one.

Why can’t you discuss it in the forum?

I had an affair and got away with it. The grass was not greener. One thing I learned is that here it’s called the script, but in my case it was true, if there wasn’t such a lack of love and affection I wouldn’t have turned my head to go looking for it.

How did you manage? How long did it take for you to move on? I just have so many questions. And I am worried I will be slated for only thinking about myself. There are tons of books on how to help the betrayed spouse but none for the one who cheated. And to openly admit I am struggling will inevitably trigger responses from all the righteous women on here. And I get it, I am the one who got me into this mess and I take full responsibility for it. I just need someone to tell me all will be good. That's all.

OP posts:
LilLilLi · 29/01/2023 08:51

There’s a thread on here somewhere called No contact with AP or similar, I’ll try and find it for you x

Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 08:53

How did I manage what? The affair? I lied obviously, said I was out with friends.
Me and Ap fell out so it was easy to get over. At first I though he was this great guy who was going to ‘rescue me’, but after a few months you get to know someone more and turned out he would have made an even shittier partner than the one I’ve got now.

I know I’m supposed to fell terrible about having an affair….but I don’t.

affor · 29/01/2023 09:02

There used to be a good thread on here for discussing that but other posters stalked it and got it stopped. Was really frustrating.

Original poster
Iammeandunhappy · 29/01/2023 09:18

Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 08:53

How did I manage what? The affair? I lied obviously, said I was out with friends.
Me and Ap fell out so it was easy to get over. At first I though he was this great guy who was going to ‘rescue me’, but after a few months you get to know someone more and turned out he would have made an even shittier partner than the one I’ve got now.

I know I’m supposed to fell terrible about having an affair….but I don’t.

Well mine is slightly different as I stupidly fell in love with AP. He is good guy but so is my DH. I also don't feel guilty for the affair itself, I feel guilty for hurting all the people involved.

It has been a few months, and I can't get over AP. It's destroying me and my marriage even further.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iammeandunhappy · 29/01/2023 09:21

LilLilLi · 29/01/2023 08:52

Thank you. This is very helpful. Appreciate it.

OP posts:
Notsuchaniceguy · 29/01/2023 09:36

Survivinginfidelity website. It's well modded and there is a section for 'waywards' that allows discussion on what you can do to try to move on. You will not be torn apart there if you want to repair and truly make amends.

I had an affair. I was a shit. So was my affair partner. We are still together. It is shit. The end.

Dery · 29/01/2023 09:47

I don’t really see how you can, in your conscience, separate the affair from its effect on other people. By saying you don’t feel guilty about the affair, you just feel guilty about its effect on other people, you’re effectively saying there was nothing wrong with your infidelity as long as you didn’t get caught. That clearly is how you feel but I don’t see how your marriage can recover if that’s your view. It shows you can’t be trusted.

I can and do understand the desire to sleep with other people and that it doesn’t have to mean you no longer love your partner. My DH and I had a period of open marriage which worked for us but the journey to it had been very particular and we had taken it together. However, it can only work if both people are willing to open up the marriage otherwise it does just mean devastation for the other partner.

I’m sorry you can’t get over your AP. It may be that your marriage is over. You may feel that will be a price worth paying for the affair. You may not. Either way, make this very painful situation work for you - see what you can learn from it. Consider what you would do the same and what you would do differently now with hindsight - your current position is very painful but I have found that very painful situations often bring the richest and most important life lessons.

Original poster
Iammeandunhappy · 29/01/2023 09:48

Notsuchaniceguy · 29/01/2023 09:36

Survivinginfidelity website. It's well modded and there is a section for 'waywards' that allows discussion on what you can do to try to move on. You will not be torn apart there if you want to repair and truly make amends.

I had an affair. I was a shit. So was my affair partner. We are still together. It is shit. The end.

Wjen you say you are still together, do you mean you are still with your DH?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 29/01/2023 09:51

Bit of a cheek to ask people to open up about a very tricky situation and refuse to discuss your own affair. Much more likely to get replies condemning affairs than freely admitting to them. I hope this thread dies.

Original poster
Iammeandunhappy · 29/01/2023 09:54

Dery · 29/01/2023 09:47

I don’t really see how you can, in your conscience, separate the affair from its effect on other people. By saying you don’t feel guilty about the affair, you just feel guilty about its effect on other people, you’re effectively saying there was nothing wrong with your infidelity as long as you didn’t get caught. That clearly is how you feel but I don’t see how your marriage can recover if that’s your view. It shows you can’t be trusted.

I can and do understand the desire to sleep with other people and that it doesn’t have to mean you no longer love your partner. My DH and I had a period of open marriage which worked for us but the journey to it had been very particular and we had taken it together. However, it can only work if both people are willing to open up the marriage otherwise it does just mean devastation for the other partner.

I’m sorry you can’t get over your AP. It may be that your marriage is over. You may feel that will be a price worth paying for the affair. You may not. Either way, make this very painful situation work for you - see what you can learn from it. Consider what you would do the same and what you would do differently now with hindsight - your current position is very painful but I have found that very painful situations often bring the richest and most important life lessons.

Not at all, I confessed to DH as I could not take the double life and lies. I ultimately destroyed the perception of who I was and am now. It's such a complicated process, one I hope will bring me happiness in the long run. When I say I don't feel guilty about the affair, I do, deep down I do, but I think my inability to see the affair for what it was and not be able to move on from AP is still clouding my judgement. Hence I am looking for someone who can shed some light into affairs, how to process it all. Counselling is helpful and so is couples counselling but I just seem unable to move on. How long does one need to give it?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 29/01/2023 09:54

Iammeandunhappy · 29/01/2023 08:38

I am not a journalist. I am just a woman who got herself into a mess. It's that simple. This is a genuine request.

Show quote history

Oh well, if you say you're genuine then it must be true.

Notsuchaniceguy · 29/01/2023 10:00

@Iammeandunhappy no still with partner. We both left spouses. We lacked empathy and compassion for anyone, including our children. We got what we deserved.

If you have no guilt about the affair but feel bad about being found out, I suggest you take a good hard look inside yourself as to why. It will likely hurt. But you may grow.

Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 10:09

@Notsuchaniceguy can I be nosey and ask a few questions?

Do you wish you could go back to your previous partner?

You sound like you regret it now you are with your AP, what is shit about it? Are they not better than your previous partner? What was good about them then but not now? Sounds like you wasn’t having the affair long before you got together.

Original poster
Iammeandunhappy · 29/01/2023 10:09

Notsuchaniceguy · 29/01/2023 10:00

@Iammeandunhappy no still with partner. We both left spouses. We lacked empathy and compassion for anyone, including our children. We got what we deserved.

If you have no guilt about the affair but feel bad about being found out, I suggest you take a good hard look inside yourself as to why. It will likely hurt. But you may grow.

I feel for inflicting so much pain, for both my DH and AP (AP is single). I feel bad for myself, how I allowed myself to fall in love with AP. I feel bad for living in limbo, unable to move on regardless of counselling and couples counselling. I just want to be happy, and live as before (even if it wasn't what I would have hoped for - I have learnt I just can't have it all). The affair has exposed me as a person, my issues, past issues that I have been carrying through life.

Wish I could go back and never ever experience this and just live blissfully unaware of my own issues and wants.

My children are the main reason I am being sensible about it all, and not making any hasty decisions. How long can we all go on like this?
If there was one thing you could change if you had a chance what would it be?

OP posts:
Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 10:10

I’m just curious because I’ve stayed with my partner and left the AP. I’m sure I’ve made the right decision but feel if I did choose the ap it would be shit so was curious about your situation

Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 10:13

@Iammeandunhappy why did you stop with the ap? Was it because you wanted to make it work with your DH? You don’t sound unhappy if I’m honest, wouldn’t you be better leaving them both?
Why are you trying to get over the ap because it sounds like you want to be with him, can you not? Did you choose your DH?

Dery · 29/01/2023 10:13

It’s a good thing that the confession came from you. That does make you potentially more trustworthy than if you’d had to be outed.

I’ve never had an affair but I did fall in love with a work colleague. It had no impact on my love for my DH at all and I had no wish to leave my marriage. After probably about 18 months, the feelings gradually blew themselves out. It no doubt helped that there’d been no romantic interaction between us. Your feelings will take longer to go because of that.

If you want your marriage to survive, you need to be quite hard-headed. You owe that to your DH. The affair was you indulging your heart and your romantic feelings. To put things right, you need to stop that.

Can you cast your mind forward to the future - say a year from now - and get a sense of where you want to be? Do you want to be fully committed to your DH or would you be willing to be outside your marriage possibly with or without your AP? Based on that, you might be able to work out whether you’re willing to do the work necessary to preserve your marriage including ceasing to indulge in your feelings for your AP which is what you’re doing now.

Dery · 29/01/2023 10:17

@Iammeandunhappy - sorry, I missed your update while writing my post so it may be irrelevant. Feel free to ignore.