Affair advice

[Iammeandunhappy]

Hello. Just that really.

Anyone on here, who had an affair, and would be willing to privately get in touch with me to discuss it with me?

I am not after any advice/comment on the wrong doings of my affair, nor do I want to disclose any details of it.

Anyone on here, who had an affair, and would be happy to share with me? My husband knows and we are working through things. I would like to hear of stories of whether you managed to move on! How long did it take to forget AP. How did you deal with triggers? How did your help your husband?

There must be someone out there, please!

As I said, there will be many women triggered just by the title! I do not have to be told I deserve all that is happening to me. I am fully aware of that. Please refrain from negative comments if possible.

Thank you 😊

I ended it when I realised I fell in love with him. It hit me like a brick wall and suddenly I realised the impact this would have on my family, DH and friends. I have a good marriage, with issues that are workable and the affair has allowed us to discuss those issues openly. I am still deeply in love with AP (call it affair fog/Limerence/infatuation). I also realised that I might regret leaving DH for AP. Now I am stuck in limbo, not knowing whether moving on is the right thing, even if it means not ending up with AP. For all I know he might have moved on already and I am glad I don't have to find out as it would destroy me.

I have misplaced my feelings for DH, to the point I don't enjoy being intimate with him. That's soul destroying for him, but he is sticking it out.

As I said I wish I had never allowed myself in such situation. I care about what other people think of me, I care about my children (I know there will be someone who is going to say I didn't care about them when having the affair). I did! I didn't plan to have an affair. I know it didn't just happen but I was faithful to DH for over a decade.

Every day is a battle, trying to make it work and suppress my own feelings. How long do I need to give it to know for sure my marriage can be saved?

Please refrain from negative comments

Please refrain from having sex with other men while you’re married.

Why do you hope this thread dies? If you don't like it move on!

Because the op's motives were less than clear in the first post. Written like a journalist seeking content and it happens all the time on here. Obviously post whatever you like if you don't mind being quoted elsewhere.

Why do you want to rescue your marriage? Fairly key point.
What are your feelings around being intimate with your DH. Is it the guilt etc or have your feelings changed due to the affair.
Having supported a ugh this (for years) those are fairly key questions but unfortunately I would say that chances of success are probably split

Personally people have an affair for a reason.

The marriage/ relationship isn't balanced or your not being appreciated etc

I left my husband and had a small, about 6 months, cross over with my AP still being in a marriage before he told her and left.

We have been together 4yrs and are now married.
It was the best thing for both of us.

Do you think the issues can be rectified?

For me I tried so many times, but my exh never changed, in the end I had to leave and look after me.

If your DH can forgive you and not bring up the affair at every opportunity AND you can work on the issues then I guess it can work.

Iammeandunhappy

you need to think about time

so the affair partner , limerence and obsession does fade in time . Wanting someone you can’t have is deeply painful - but it does abate in time

the husband , well either feelings grow back - in time . Or they won’t , they simply won’t .

there is a possibility that neither work out
and that despite everything you realise the marriage can’t be saved
and that maybe the affair was a catalyst

The reasons for having an affair are often not good ones. Sometimes the spouse is genuinely awful to be married to; often that is not the case.

Some people look outside their marriage to escape from the daily grind. Other people don’t. Some people indulge their romantic/sexual attraction to other people; others don’t. As I mentioned upthread, my DH and I had a period of open marriage so I do understand the desire to sleep with other people and that it doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love your spouse.

I only say this because I’m not a fan of blaming the deceived partner for the affair which is what a previous poster seems to be doing.

ok, complete different situation to mine then.
If you fell in love with the AP why didn’t you go with him? Cold feet? Scared?

Your in a bit of a pickle because I assume your DH provides security and good foundations but the AP provides love, affection and life.

I would never worry about what others think of me, don’t let that stop you from living your life. Do you want to be with your DH or are you trying to make it work out of guilt?

If I was you I would do nothing at the moment, no point making decisions when you don’t even know what direction you want to go in.

And just to counteract what I’ve said, when it comes to a decision between the head and the heart, I always go with the head, but that’s me, you may be a heart person. You need to figure out who you are and what you want before you make a decision, easier said than done, most days I have no idea who I even am.

We have a good life. I work full time so I am not dependant on DH but it would be hard obviously. DH is a good man, loves me and his children and I am under no illusion the grass is greener. He helps around the house, takes care of the children.

I don't enjoy being intimate with my husband and that has been the case since I second was born. We have a long history and timing of when we got together and how is probably playing a huge part in all this now.

I just can't imagine ripping us apart for what? Sex? Affection? Love? I respect DH, I value him as a person. He is a good man. I was OK before all this happened. I wasn't overly happy, but I wasn't unhappy. Now I am unhappy, truly depressed and I just wish someone could erase that part of me.

The thought of losing everything we have. The children. Their lives would be torn apart.

I just need to hear that I can learn to love DH the way he deserves. I married him for a reason, a good reason. Yes there are issues I won't go into that go back to when we first met and who I was, who he was. I just want it all gone!

Sounds like you need to end your current relationship.

I am in no way blaming DH. I take full responsibility for my actions.
Yes, the affair has opened our eyes to what has been going on for a while and I wish, with hindsight, that I spoke about how unhappy I was (I probably didn't even know I was this unhappy and it could just be my feelings for AP talking).

It has been months and I cannot get over AP. Day in, day out, working on the marriage and thinking of what ifs. It is a horrible palce to be in.

Iammeandunhappy

try not to see a marriage ending in such dramatic terms

tearing apart and ripping apart and ruining lives
mare the terms you use

look I’m not minimising this and the impact on the kids
but sex is a part of marriage and what - you stay miserable for decades ?
you never have intimacy again

many marriages end and no one dies
they just Co parent and life moves on

First you need to accept that it can't be 'just gone'. I've seen quotes from relationship counsellors saying anything between 2-5 years for recovery from an affair and the fact of the affair will always be a part of you marriage.

Second, you need to realise that this is going to be hard work, for you especially. You need to do the yards here to repair this marriage, there are no quick fixes.

Thirdly, you need to acknowledge that you aren't the only person in the equation. Your husband has his own decisions to make. You may be doing everything right and it may still not be good enough to keep the marriage going.

I was on the other side of the equation and we spent 2 years trying to save the marriage before I realised that I would never truly forgive him for such a massive betrayal of trust and we divorced. I'll be honest, my experience has made me very sceptical that true reconciliation is possible and that most reconciled couples have engaged in some level of rug-sweeping to keep their marriages going.

So, are you prepared for this really? Is it what you want? No point in wasting time repairing something that will just be a unfulfilling marriage for both of you. You say that your DH is a good man, active father, does his share around the house,etc. Are you able to be the wife he should have?

My feelings have changed. I don't see him as romantic partner. I see him as a great dad and someone I rub along nicely. We have just let our marriage slip into the all familiar, complacency is a killer.

As I said, with hindsight, we could have talked and resolve it but I entered into an affair and fell in love. AP is not my soul mate, I am not stupid, but he has awoken something in me which I seem unable to have with DH. I miss AP daily, it is torture.

Now what? Do I leave for passion and love and risk my children's lives or do I somehow make it work? The question is how?

I just need to know if those feelings ever go away. How long of NC with AP do I need to endure before I can somehow move on?

What you have done means things will never be the same.

You will never get anything back with your husband while you are pining over the other man and wondering what other great things exist outside you marriage. If you can't turn inward and invest that emotional energy on your husband I just wouldn't other wasting your time worrying about whether you can fix it with him.

You have not shown a single shred of remorse so far and your questions are all centered on how you can somehow get the excitement of an illicit affair from your marriage with your husband because actually it was really exciting and enjoyable while it lasted and your husband is decent but boring and you don't actually want sex or romance with him anyway.

I mean this kindly OP, but if there hadn't been children in the mix would you have taken a chance with your AP? Have you stayed where you are because you love your husband, or because you realised all that you could potentially lose if you split?

I do believe this can get better, but it might well always hurt when you think of your AP. The trick is to try and redirect your thoughts every time you think of him. Take it hour by hour, like breaking an addiction. It's the end of a relationship (I'm not getting into the right and wrongs of it) allow yourself to grieve.

Your husband sounds like a decent man, and whilst this is really hard for you it must be horrific for him. Finding out someone you love has been unfaithful is bad enough, but watching them pining, just awful. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm just trying to show you that we often get so caught up in our own sadness that we don't see what is right there. Sometimes a fake it till you make it approach is the only way.

@Iammeandunhappy - I didn’t mean to suggest you were blaming your DH but another poster suggested that affairs are caused by significant deficits in the main relationship. That’s what I was addressing.

You have asked: “Now what? Do I leave for passion and love and risk my children's lives or do I somehow make it work? The question is how?”

I think a more useful question may be - do you leave for a relationship which might come to nothing or do you stay? Would you be happier single than married to your DH? I know of some very contented LTRs which started as affairs. It can happen. That might be what you get here. But it’s important to bear in mind that an affair makes for intensified feelings, heightened excitement and glorification of the partner because you’re not supposed to be together so you can only snatch time together. If you settle down with AP, you may or may not find that going through the daily grind feels very different.

I completely agree with the PP who said your melodramatic description of divorce isn’t helping. Plenty of relationships do break down; as long as you and your H can co-parent reasonably and sensibly, it can b we fine for your DCs. Some of the most functional families I know are in that situation and some of the most functional adults were raised in such families.

Apologies, I've seen you answered a lot of my questions whilst I was typing.

I had an EA that I managed to pull myself out of, for the same reasons you state, but then massive doubt over whether I'd done the right thing. Desperately missing my AP, thinking about them all the time. Distress over what I might have lost.

For myself, I took the scientific view. I couldn't understand why I had behaved so badly. A "nice guy" becomes a secretive, lying git. All of a sudden in my head my marriage was terrible, my DW awful. I didn't know what I wanted. Really?? Thanks to MN (and I owe MN so much), I now know I was reading the script. Or rather, was writing the script.

For me, the explanations around limerence, around dopamine, it all made sense. It gave me a framework with which to sort myself out.

So, you accept that your thinking right now seems clouded, dysfunctional. That's a good start, because it really is. In the grip or limerence you will say and do truly awful things, take stupid risks, hurt those you love.

I tried many things to deal with it. The frustration is that you know deep down what is right, but feelings and emotions and intrusive thoughts play havoc with your mind, and feel outside your control.

Three things eventually got me out of all this. Firstly, no contact. Accept your AP has moved on. They are gone and it's for the best. The grass is not greener, in fact its definitely worse.

Secondly, time. For a while I measured my feelings, trying to work out if I was getting better. I rated my limerence out of ten each day, looking for patterns, trends. I know this is extreme, but like I said, I went for science. I realised I was getting better. It gave me hope. How long? Months. Maybe a year to be one out of ten. There's probably an interesting graph in there somewhere.

Thirdly, talking/reading/therapy. Find someone you can talk it through with. I wish I'd spoken to someone but felt like I had no one to talk to. It was MN that helped me, so much. Reading about the distress this behaviour causes other people, and how pathetic I had been really woke me up.

Good luck OP.

I haven’t had that experience but the temptation has been there. My marriage was crap we weren’t on the same page, understanding each other etc.
He had a emotional affair. I made a conscious decision to tread carefully when someone gave me attention. As I wanted to do the right thing for me. I already knew about the emotional affair etc. For me therapy has been the answer to understand myself and what I need. Not sure if that helps.

I’m just thinking about the advice to deceived partners here about not to do the pick me dance. Your DH is essentially doing the pick me dance. The fact that the decision seems to rest entirely with you is perhaps not helping you get the clarity you need. It’s giving you too much power.

Your DH may yet change his mind about bearing with you while you work through this. How would you feel if he ended the marriage? How would you feel if he kicked you out?

Did you really fall in love? Your affair happened in a bubble with specific circumstances. Not real day to day life.

You have no idea what type of partner they would be in your day to day life with your children and as you can see from your marriage the day to day reality of family life can erode that. Think of that every day. Not the moments you experienced in your affair.

New sexual attraction and the feeling of being desired is very powerful but the way you talk about your husband sounds like there is no desire at all left for him. Do you find him attractive at all?

Outside of counselling what are you doing for your relationship and to try to rebuild intimacy? Sex isn't just it.

The reality your marriage may be over. Or you decide the type of marriage you are in now will be the your reality if you stay. But if that's the case be honest with your husband that this is as good as it gets. Living as co parents and life partners but not as romantic partners and then decide if that is something you can both life with.