Affair advice

[Iammeandunhappy]

Hello. Just that really.

Anyone on here, who had an affair, and would be willing to privately get in touch with me to discuss it with me?

I am not after any advice/comment on the wrong doings of my affair, nor do I want to disclose any details of it.

Anyone on here, who had an affair, and would be happy to share with me? My husband knows and we are working through things. I would like to hear of stories of whether you managed to move on! How long did it take to forget AP. How did you deal with triggers? How did your help your husband?

There must be someone out there, please!

As I said, there will be many women triggered just by the title! I do not have to be told I deserve all that is happening to me. I am fully aware of that. Please refrain from negative comments if possible.

Thank you 😊

Have you any idea whether he would be upset if he found out.

Well I would rather not know if my husband was having any flings of his own but if he was I would be very surprised because, as much as I love him to bits, we both know I am well out of his league. So in reality I would probably feel a bit insulted I suppose

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so not everyone is going to agree with you.
Its also widely accepted that when someone is ugly on the outside it makes them less attractive. You claim you ‘ love him to bits’, but in the previous post ‘ he’s not enough and never will be’. I hope he one day wakes up to the kind of person he’s married to and gets the fuck out

Touché!

@Notsuchaniceguy - reading your posts is like reading about my ex who I left (because of his behaviour). I just wanted to thank you for eloquently owning your behaviour and conveying it in a way that makes sense to me.

I suspect his now fiancée (immediate supply after I left) and he are in a toxic relationship (she's all but stopped him communicating with me, and when he did he would send me vile messages, which she'd then piggyback on and message me all sweetness and light and offering to be the go between) and I know she has deep troubles of her own about infidelity and 'keeping her man'.

It’s true that someone good looking can become ugly to those, once they know their personalities are horrible.

OP it sounds as if you want to try and save your marriage for the sake of the children and because of what others will think of you. Reading your posts you are still in love with the AP and don't find your husband sexually attractive.

Your husband will have been devastated about the affair but you are only setting him up for more heartache if you go through the motions and then leave at a later date.

It really sounds as if you are only trying to save the marriage because of guilt, especially as you say that you do not regret the affair.

You, your husband and the children will all suffer if that is your reason for staying.

Would you leave your marriage if your AP declared undying love and wanted to set up home with you?

Was the ending of the affair your decision or your AP's.

I don’t believe that’s true at all but if it was and my husband found out about my affairs and left me, I could have somebody lined up to replace him in an instant. So it wouldn’t even matter.

The above post was in response to this I should clarify.

I don't believe anything you have written.

@HateandLove
@feellikeanalien

He did and I have never questioned his intentions. We have known each other for a while, it wasn't just a fling as some like to call it.

It was me who ended the affair as I could not take the double life and cause even more heartache to both men and children. I know you are going to say I should have thought of that before I had the affair. I am fully aware.

I ended the affair fully aware that it wasn't what I wanted, but I had to. There was no other way.

I now have the option of fixing the marriage (which is not going great at the moment) or call it a day and either be happy or regret it.

I am choosing to fix the marriage, but I am finding it difficult to find my way back to DH.
I am hoping that with time my head will clear and I will be able to direct my full attention back to DH. Who knows, we might make it work. There is a part of me that wants to make it work, I just don't know if it is a healthy/rational part that's telling me to make it work. Only time will tell.

So your answer is, no you wouldn't leave your marriage if your AP asked to to.

Was your decision to end the affair due to your ap putting pressure on you to leave ?

It's very messy, can I ask why you decided to confess to your h, if your h never found out, was that nescessary ?
Not many do that voluntarily.

@HateandLove

He did not pressure me at all. I ended the affair to make sure that if we were to ever be together, it would be done the right way. I also did no want deceive my DH any longer. Affairs are not for me, I am not that type of person and I just could not take it. It not only hurt the people I love the most, but also me personally.
I realised the affair was a catalyst to open my eyes to what was happening to my marriage. Unfortunately I fell in love with AP and misplaced my feelings for DH.

I confessed after reading threads on mumsnet and realised that it was his right to know about it and I am glad I did.

He did not pressure me at all. I ended the affair to make sure that if
we were to ever be together, it would be done the right way.

That shows intent.
As though a plan was hatched.

No wonder you're confused, is it a plan that has gone wrong ? and both come your senses before it all went nuclear.

Your confession to your husband, did you expect him to end the marriage ?

Ridding you of the choice, the choice of having to walk away from your children, freely. A confession that forces you to leave but it didn't work out that way and your husband forgave you and now you have to try to make the marriage work for appearances sake.

No, I didn't expect him to end the marriage as such but I certainly didn't expect him to forgive me like he has.

There has never been the choice of leaving my children as you suggest. They are and always will be our children.

However I am going to give your comment a more thought as there is probably some truth in that and in how I am feeling.

Leave the marriage, you cheated and there's no trust. He might say he forgives you but he'll always have that feeling that you'll do it again. You made the decision to have an affair and any consequences are your own fault. You can't learn to love your husband again, you stopped having any love or respect for him when you had an affair, you don't do that to someone you love and respect. Your children are no reason to stay together, they don't need to grow up with the awkwardness at home.

I think you really need some counselling. It sounds like you are settling for DH for the sake of the children which is not fair for anyone. You chose not to work on your marriage but to look outside.
I can’t see how it can work until you have worked on yourself , your values and behaviour. You write like a romantic teenager who just couldn’t help themselves and doesn’t feel guilty because it happened to them . No - you actively caused this.

Of course I don't mean leaving your children and not seeing them again, I mean being asked to leave by way of your husband not forgiving you.

If he had not forgiven and thrown you out then choice is out of your hands and that would have meant you didn't actively chose your ap above your children.

It makes a lot of difference accountability for going forward, you didn't want to be blamed for destroying the family but now it appears your husband is calling your bluff on how commited you were to the family.

It's checkmate.

Your next move reveals your intentions and culpability, if you make the move and end the marriage your husband has the upper hand in being moralistic to your children.

Whereas he already knows you are culpable for the affair, he wants others to know that you put another man before the family unit.

It's very game playing on both sides.

What do you actually want op, do you want to leave for your ap, but just don't have the guts to be called the bad guy.

Do your children know you have had an affair ?

I'm guessing not and this I feel is where your fear lies. Overcome this fear of them knowing, be prepared for them to be angry, confused and side with their father, maybe they will or won't forgive.

The other point is does you ap want to be with you for sure ? Has he asked for a full relationship.

People who haven't had affairs talk about this thing of "Oh, did you need to tell him, you're only hurting him, just stop doing it and keep it under your hat and the marriage will recover." Nope. Marriages don't recover that way. Many of us have affairs because we want to be deeply known, seen, and be able to give love freely - in ways that (for various reasons) we can't find a way to do in our marriages.

(I'm not going into the ins and outs of whether it's a good or moral way to meet that need - that won't help the OP.)

So- that desire to be authentic, to be known on a deep level, doesn't go away when you end the affair. It in fact gets worse because you have a new set of loads of secrets about how you felt, even if your husband knows what happens he won't know your heart or understand the nature of the joy you felt with AP. So he has lost emotional primacy with you.

My prescription for recovery, OP, is twofold, and scary.

1. The marriage as you knew it has gone. You need help to structure a new marriage and possibly therapy to contain big emotions. He is angry and sad. You may well also be angry with him, for not meeting your needs or you may be projecting your own inability to articulate your needs before the affair. Not arguing leaches out all the passion. you're both wound up tight and putting up emotional walls. No wonder you both don't want sex. Get a good therapist who isn't too hung up on adultery being the worst thing ever, and start talking. The talking is fucking exhausting and goes on far longer than you think it'll need to. But you start to learn to notice when you have a reaction 'ooh, I don't like that' or curiosity 'what's behind that feeling you have?' and you start getting better, together. But you both have to be ok with the fact that radical honesty won't break you. DH must appreciate that on some level he didn't know you, on some level he needs to relearn you, and you must come to him humbly and expect humility from him too.

2. Inside you. The love you feel for AP the desire, the missing - you have to reframe it as love that is within you, that was always your energy and power. You wanted to give it to AP, but he wasn't the right vessel. Every time you have a pang, imagine drawing a little dart of love back inside yourself to nourish yourself. All that love, for you. Limerance for another person is like a drug that distracts us from our own pain. Imagine you are your own parent, feel the energy coming back to you and ask yourself where that stab of pain came from, what you need, what would help you? and try to honour your needs. They may often be loneliness tiredness fear etc.

Hope this helps. It's harder than many posters on here know, and those who are glib about it are luckier than they know to have not been in the situation.

@EthicalNonMahogany
Thank you. There is not much else I can say that to thank you. You seem very knowledgeable and non judgemental.

You have given me a lot to think about.

@EthicalNonMahogany at first really wanted to take this apart but actually having re-read it carefully I fully agree, with the exception that those of you who have affairs aren’t the only ones with these needs (seen fully, known deeply, love freely).
I think we ALL have these basic human needs and bring them to all our human relationships, romantic ones/ marriages or not. I’m pretty sure my children want this of me too. They want me to see and know them deeply and love them freely.
I think the betrayed spouses also felt unseen and unloved, unable to love freely, and unknown to their spouses whilst their other half chose to put all their energy into the affair, too. They might have felt that way for a long time also but instead chose to honour their commitment, not believing that their desires trumped the vows they made. It doesn’t mean they felt these yearnings any less deeply than the unfaithful spouse. Great passion and yearning is not the sole premise of the unfaithful. We all feel like this, we just choose differently.
As you quite rightly point out, honesty and frank but compassionate communication are the way to conduct interpersonal relationships. And you’re spot on with this, it’s bloody hard work.
We all have these needs and desires but some of us have no idea how to express this or work towards positive change and growth. To some it is easier to fill the painful spaces inside us with the next available attractive person, or alcohol, or drugs, or gambling, or food….. anything to fill that void.

As to “those who are glib about it being luckier than they know to not have been in this situation” and you are referring to the unfaithful as suffering pain in this situation then it actually has nothing to do with luck. If you are in an affair it was your own choice to get the needs you outlined met in this way. Luck or bad luck had nothing to do with it.
If by this, however, you mean everyone affected by infidelity, faithful and unfaithful, I agree. The betrayed spouses and children of the unfaithful are very unfortunate indeed.
Your advice for how to go forward is really good stuff, scarliy honest but the good stuff in relationships relies on searing honesty, if we want to be seen and known and loved, we need to be prepared to make ourselves vulnerable and reveal our true selves to the people we love and they to us.
So very sad that it sometimes takes infidelity to realise all this and then there is the betrayal to heal from as well as everything else. Everyone gets hurt, including the perpetrators, whether anyone thinks they deserved it or not.
I hope anyone involved in affairs has the courage to choose honesty. Honesty with their partner, their affair partner and vitally with themselves.
It’s incredibly, brutally hard, but it is the path to personal freedom and joyous relationships whether you stay in the marriage or not.

But y ou both have to be ok with the fact that radical honesty won't break you.

I agee with much you say but much of this advice would be better suited for preventative measures but atlas it never is, many of us whether the betrayer or the betrayed have the knowledge or experience to understand how devastating these behaviours are.

They happen and you learn as you go along, the very fact people are unaware and trusting in many cases is how many marriages last so long, the fedelity is taken for granted till it's not.

The radical honesty statement for me personally would have been a step too far, not many betrayed people can make themselves even more vunerable to extra pain for the suvival of the union.
The work needs to be done by the betrayer but I understand this is only half a job done.

Pride, pain, anger, devastation, so many negative emotions to overcome, you need the strength of Goliath.

Good post though @EthicalNonMahogany food for thought but values that for me would be better suited at the begining of a relationship, a new contract with different rules and expectations.

I agree they are best started at the beginning of a relationship. However many of us start our marriages in our 20s and by our 40s are more skilful at this - but relationships have ossified and can be hard to unpick. The stakes are SO HIGH being suddenly, differently honest with someone you've known a lifetime and have children with.

@Thewookiemustgo I agree with everything you say. Specifically I agree that pain or loneliness are not the province of the betrayer but will be elsewhere in the family as well - and it is indeed a choice to get your needs met that way and so the betrayer brings more pain on themselves, while the betrayed spouse is a victim through no fsykt of their own. But I wanted to say something purely to the OP about recovery as the wayward spouse, without always needing to name check everyone else in the relationship and acknowledge their pain too - this was advice for her personally, which is often in short supply.

Another thing I'm reflecting on is that although fidelity is something many people build on and rely on, and being betrayed is extremely painful usually - the searing pain of someone sleeping with someone else is absolutely possible to reframe and move on from - so I do think that putting all the subsequent emotional labour of recovery on the person who has the affair, though it may seem fair and a sort of Biblical retribution on their head... isn't the way for both spouses to end up happy and end up still married.