Affair advice

[Iammeandunhappy]

Hello. Just that really.

Anyone on here, who had an affair, and would be willing to privately get in touch with me to discuss it with me?

I am not after any advice/comment on the wrong doings of my affair, nor do I want to disclose any details of it.

Anyone on here, who had an affair, and would be happy to share with me? My husband knows and we are working through things. I would like to hear of stories of whether you managed to move on! How long did it take to forget AP. How did you deal with triggers? How did your help your husband?

There must be someone out there, please!

As I said, there will be many women triggered just by the title! I do not have to be told I deserve all that is happening to me. I am fully aware of that. Please refrain from negative comments if possible.

Thank you 😊

No I've never wished to go back to my first wife. I have in the past wished I'd stayed with her for the children but I know now if I had, I'd have remained a self-centred covet narcissistic fuckwit so just hurt her and them in other ways. Probably EAs and limmerance (oh please won't someone love the poor little narc like he deserves, his life has been soooo hard)

Apart from wishing I'd died at birth I wish when I met my first wife and my narc shit started, someone had given me a damn good talking to and told me what I was and to get help for it or get the fuck gone. And I wish my wife had got away then and had a life she deserved - without a cheating unsupportive husband. But I had no idea I was such an asshole, as I was less obviously abusive than my parents and some of the pond life I called friends.

AP and I did get together fast. It was an EA and I'd told my wife I was leaving before it became physical. Which is no defence at all.

As for why it's shit now. My AP (now wife) hated my ex wife and didn't trust me at all (reasonable) - I had to hand my phone over for checking regularly and account for where I'd been and who I'd spoken to. I still do for good reason (drunken kiss with friend some years ago, the narc needed supply). I behaved badly to my ex and my children to placate her. AP and I argued and fought badly and there were abusive behaviours on both sides. We lost better friends who rightly saw us as shits and we stayed together to prove somehow we were 'star crossed lovers' to family who had called out our low behaviours.

MN opened my eyes to covert narcissism and 'nice guy' syndrome and the toxicity in my relationship now with AP. But as I have said, we got what we deserved for each other. So don't pity me and save empathy for those who deserve it. Learn from me, don't be me and if you are me- stop it.

@Notsuchaniceguy wow I didn’t expect that response if I’m honest.

Im not like you at all, in fact very much the opposite even though I did have an affair, so I’m no angel but my circumstances are unique compared to most couples, not that I’m trying to justify what I did. I don’t feel guilty about it and I didn’t come to some huge revelation or anything either but everything happens for a reason and I learnt some lessons that I’ll take forward with me to start again on a stronger foundation.

So you are saying you was a narcissist? How did you come to realise that? I thought narcs thought they could do no wrong. Do you still behave the same way now or have you “changed?”

Notsuchaniceguy

ive found your posts very honest ! I mean kudos
for owning your shit

you know you are allowed to change and to be forgiven right ?

im curious why AP hated your ex wife ?

I can’t compute why her mind went that way
after all your ex was shafted and she was a core part of that
so why did her brain allow her to hate your ex wife ?

Long post alert, sorry!

“I have misplaced my feelings for DH, to the point I don't enjoy being intimate with him. That's soul destroying for him, but he is sticking it out.”

OP I applaud your honesty here, but be honest with yourself. Why?

Why is he ‘sticking it out’?

Does he know you feel this way because of your AP? Is he sticking it out because he loves you, is being kind, and thinks you need time to heal but are truly fully committed to him? Or does he think you’ve already decided to commit fully to him? Is he lying in bed longing to be intimate with you knowing you are lying there still mooning about your AP?

Reverse the situation, OP. Your husband had an affair and says he wants to be with you but doesn’t want sex with you. Imagine lying in bed with the one you love most, knowing they have been passionate and intimate with someone else, longing for them to be the same with you. Imagine wondering if it’s because you are not as attractive as their AP was, not as good in bed, not as fun as they were, or if it is all because you are just not the AP and never will be. Imagine the feelings of second best, rejection, worthlessness, heart rending pain and torture this would cause. Imagine lying there wondering if you are Plan B. Wondering if they are not truly in love with you, that they don’t really want to be with you, that they are only still with you for the children, for the dread of the shame of what they did becoming common knowledge, for financial reasons. Not because they love you and can’t imagine life without you.

He might not say it OP but I can cast iron guarantee you that he will have thought some or even all of it.

You are still using him just as much as you were in the affair. “Do you kind of I stay in the marriage whilst I make my mind up in case leaving is a terrible mistake?” Asked no unfaithful spouse ever. But that’s what you’re asking. It’s unacceptable. He needs to know.


“It has been months and I cannot get over AP. Day in, day out, working on the marriage and thinking of what ifs. It is a horrible palce to be in. As I said, with hindsight, we could have talked and resolve it but I entered into an affair and fell in love. AP is not my soul mate, I am not stupid, but he has awoken something in me which I seem unable to have with DH. I miss AP daily, it is torture. “
OP you are lying to yourself. You are not working on the marriage at all if you are still thinking in terms of “what ifs”. You are in false reconciliation and this does yet more damage and pushes your marriage closer to destruction. No, you can’t help missing the OP in the short term but reconciling means going non-contact, forever. If you are still thinking
in ‘what ifs’ you have nowhere near committed to reconciliation and really given up your AP. You are kidding yourself. Either leave this poor man or decide that your AP is and always will be history. Easy to say, granted, but each time you catch yourself missing your AP don’t engage with it, do something nice for your husband and steer your energy elsewhere. Or if you can’t, spend some time away from both and see how you feel then. You are allowing yourself the luxury of wallowing and fence sitting because your husband thinks you are reconciling and because he does, you have faced no consequences for this.

People aren’t playthings to lure into a fool’s paradise and be made to hang around with the fake hope you gave them, making your life easier whilst you make your mind up. Be honest with him. Fully honest, and if he still wants to wait for you that is his choice. At present he has made a choice which is not fully informed.

Time to truly commit and channel all energy into the marriage, or do the decent thing if not and leave.

There is no dilemma in reality, if he knew everything about how you feel every day, you wouldn’t be allowed to have one. He’d probably choose for you.
What you have is a simple choice, leave or fully commit, to be made in full honesty with no lying to yourself, husband or anyone else. The affair is still going on inside your head OP. You’ve not fully left it behind you and aren’t really determined to yet. Of your husband and family are the life you want, then throw everything you have at it and decide that you will never, ever see or hear from or contact the AP. If that’s unthinkable, leave the marriage.
Until that decision is made nothing will change until your husband quite rightly gives up hope and saves his sanity.

I'll spell it out for you OP - you're problem is that an affair isn't about finding someone else, it's usually about finding yourself. You prefer who you are in an affair - a younger, lighter, more free version of you. You feel alive, and optimistic and happy being desirable and like a better version of yourself. But it's laced with irony because at the same time you become selfish, narcissistic, deceitful and toxic.
Once the affair is confessed or discovered- reality sets in - that version of you that you wanted to escape is still you, with parenting responsibilities, and work and strife, and mundane drudgery, and not free, not free at all!
And the toxic side of you is shameful. But you want to live an authentic life. But who are you? And childhood traumas explain why you were never settled - but not how to find happiness as an adult.
So now - faced with the reality of your life, you want to go back to that fantasy, like wanting to be back on holiday? But it's wrapped up in an impossible romance in which you weren't all you made out to be.
My advice would be individual counselling to understand why your authentic happiness had to hide in shadows of deception- and what path you have to finding and living an authentic life.

Nailed it I think. Especially recognising that there's a part that needs to be concealed in the shadows to feel alive or to feel in control or perhaps even powerful.

Narcissist is an over-used term. I have no formal diagnosis and don't know if I'd get one. I do score highly on some parts of measures used to assess covert narcissism but not on all parts. I mean the proper measures not the online quizzes. I'm not grandiose, I don't believe I'm better than others - always quite the reverse. What I am is very self centred and until the walls came crashing down these past 12 months, able to compartmentalise, to shut off parts of myself, to behave differently in different places. To be the 'nice guy' having someone pour their heart out to me and tell me I'm wonderful and separate that completely from any empathy that my ex wife was at home with young children and needing my support whilst I was being the 'good Samaritan' in one of my friend's kitchens or whatever. And I didn't see this as wrong. And yes you guessed it, those people I was 'supporting' were all women I found attractive. What a prince among men.

The ability to compartmentalise, to shut off, helped me manage extreme emotional distress as a child and make sense of my childhood experiences. Think upper middle class family that the community respected and alcoholism and marital abuse behind closed doors. As they presented in different ways to me depending on context and gave me no coherence to understand them, so I became incoherent and split inside to psychologically defend from this. And then behaved appallingly. My parents made me but I have to own my behaviours.

There's your answer.

I have had an affair and its been the worst thing I have ever done in my life. My husband is a good, king, generous, brilliant dad and would do anything for his family. A man came along I knew from years ago and it started because I was selfish and greedy and wanted both. I too fell for the single AP but he didnt feel the same "been there and done it attitude". I have risked everything for a man who didn't really want me for a man who truly loved me. I craved the idea of being "sexy and desirable" for another man. We still meet occasionally but I know I am truly horrible. Every day I say this will be the last contact but it just rolls on.

@Ohforaquietlife - an affair is an addiction, and the chemicals released in the brain are identical. And like any addiction - it feels wonderful at first, then you need more to get the same feeling, then you need it just to feel normal. And you will lie amd steal and cheat to get it. And it can end up taking your family, your relationships, your home and your life from you.
It gives you a taste of heaven, and then slowly drags you into hell.

I am trying to change. I have no desire to forgive myself, just a desire to stop hurting others. If this relationship ends as it might, the only relationship safe for others to have with me would be that between me and a therapist. Which I don't have now because my wife thinks it's a waste of time (people need to grow a pair and stop whining) and that if I went to therapy I'd leave her. The latter is a good point.

As for why my ex wife was hated. I was told by affair partner (AP) that all women hate the ex, it is normal. I questioned it at the time and was told I knew nothing about it or women. Looking back now I think fear I would abandon AP for ex (why AP thought ex wanted me back I have no idea, there was no evidence of that from either of us), a need to get me to dislike her and a desire to cut me off from people who were mutual friends. They were also branded as weird, 'slutty' (AP word
not mine) and so on. This was pre social media but numbers were removed from my phone. To be fair AP had noted my history of being the 'nice guy' around them and as she was now with someone who'd left his wife
for her through an EA she had proof I wasn't faithful. Once a cheater... that said, ironically as they were decent people they didn't want anything to do with me anyway.

Another possibility is that in trying to shape my view that ex wife was weird, past friends were weird, all women not securely married were 'slutty' and so on helped AP manage her insecurities that I would leave her. The love of her life (not me) left her. Her other relationships, both hers and in her family, all contained cheating on one side or the other both within and as a way to end them. Her view of relationship behaviour is validated through lived experience.

@Seadad - "an affair is an addiction, and the chemicals released in the brain are identical. And like any addiction - it feels wonderful at first, then you need more to get the same feeling, then you need it just to feel normal. And you will lie amd steal and cheat to get it. And it can end up taking your family, your relationships, your home and your life from you.
It gives you a taste of heaven, and then slowly drags you into hell".

This is the honest and brutal truth of how I feel.

I would walk away. Relationships are really, really difficult, even between two faithful, compatible, loving people.

Why bother staying when one of you have been having a side-relationship with someone else?

I have a sister who has had affairs throughout her marriage - my BiL knows but has stuck by her. It is a form of codependency, they both seem to need a jarring inequality and lack of trust.

It just seems such a waste of your life, especially for the partner who doesn't cheat.

I was the other woman, I was not long out of a marriage which went so badly wrong and fell deeply in love with a married man. I had known him for years and never looked at him like that. But I was so lonely and tbh a complete mess, my ex took me to hell and back I was flattered - considered him so funny and interesting and didn't know why someone like him would even look at someone like me.
I regret it every day as it brought me nothing but pain and heartache. I know this is not what you asked for but I was in the position of AP and it is so fucking hard. If he's anything like me, he will be really hurting too. Just a different perspective on it all. I hope you find peace.

Notsuchaniceguy

your AP is right in that often therapy does lead to change

I started therapy late 2022 for a few reasons but a relationship I was in was troubling me a lot

enter 2023 , I’ve ended it . I’m pretty bloody sad about but on a base level I knew and my gut knew

I’d have that therapy anyway if I was you !

We have joint finances. I don't have the right to try to increase my happiness or wellbeing at the expense of someone else. If I said I'm buying a new bike and will be cycling all day every Sunday because I like it but my DW is feeling left to cope with chores I'd be rightly torn apart.

DW wants us to stay together despite it not being great, what right do I have to spend our money on me and make her more unhappy. DW often says I'd be happier without her but she'd be unhappier without me.

I've never bought the everyone has a right to happiness mantra. It can easily be corrupted to at worst justify making others miserable and more often gloss over the impact of self centred choices "They'll also be happier once they see it my way". My wife's ex husband wasn't after she left him. It ruined his life. Me leaving my ex wife badly damaged my children.

I'll only leave (and have therapy) if my wife wants me to or it is in the interest of my adult children to do so. I will try to do the best I can for my wife, better than I have done. Her unkind behaviours (snapping and name calling mainly) are tolerable and I hope I can stop mine. I'm getting better at that, at not reacting to things, at not questioning a viewpoint. I reap now what I sowed.

I feel bad for AP, I really do and hope he can heal from it all. I can't help him but what I can is make sure we stay no contact.

I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused and am still causing. I really am. I never intended to hurt anyone, yet here I am.

My affair and what I have caused will be a constant, daily reminder of the person I am.

My wife's ex husband wasn't after she left him. It ruined his life. Me leaving my ex wife badly damaged my children

its Interesting . I don’t dispute that being left this way can ruin a person . I’m curious if a divorce due to Infidelity is more painful than a divorce due to

• addiction
• anger
• abuse ?

does the impact to someone’s self esteem and mental health become worse when cheating is involved ?
from reading posts here I get the impression its deeply painful

I'm no expert but I'd put money on it. That said if you leave an abuser that's perfectly fine in my book and any impact on abusers mental well-being and happiness is the minimum price they should pay. Leaving an addict is also perfectly fine. They may pay a price but it isn't the leaver's to pay for them. Same with anger.

The betrayed partners (who did nothing or not much wrong - I do see why some people leave abusive relationships through affairs) who were cheated on suffer badly. That's on the cheaters who need to own it. I have apologised as best I can to my ex wife and not because I wanted her to say she'd forgiven me. She has every right not to. But simply because she deserved at least that. Same for my children.

I want to apologise to my AP/wife's husband too soon. He deserves that. However my wife is not on board. That said, she talks to him a lot these days in much kinder ways than she used to which is good.

I think the problem was that you decided to come clean to your husband about what you did which was probably a mistake even though I understand your reasoning.

The thing is though, you have to understand that people will never understand why we have to have affairs in the first place. My husband is like yours too, he is a nice guy and I don’t really have a bad word to say about him. But he isn’t enough, and he never will be. I’ve been having affairs for the last 6 years of our marriage and he doesn’t have any idea, which suits us both as far as I’m concerned.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting something that you can’t have at home, so try not to feel so bad about it in future OK hun? Sending you love on your journey x

@SandraCumin

Hi, could I ask would you be upset if you found out your h had been having affairs, or is still in an affair ?

Well I would rather not know if my husband was having any flings of his own but if he was I would be very surprised because, as much as I love him to bits, we both know I am well out of his league. So in reality I would probably feel a bit insulted I suppose.

I don't think you're going to stay with your DH OP. He will sense things have changed. It will never be the same as before your affair. You're already struggling. You need time on your own to evaluate what you want.

I cba to read the thread but there are forums on reddit for this r/SupportforWaywards - fascinating read from betrayed spouse point of view..

I can tell you now that you being more attractive has very little to do with whether they will have an affair! Apart from the fact we see it time and time again in celebrities, at school an absolutely gorgeous mum was cheated on by her troll of a husband, absolutely blindsided. Cheaters come in all shapes and sizes..

Wow
😐