Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

[Chchchchangess]

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

our family wizard app is so good for limiting communication

Go your own way and be your best self, regardless.

He is not worth it. Move on; set ground rules.
Be civil and kind for the sake of your children.
Focus on keeping your children's world as disrupted as possible. You will respect that about yourself later.
It will be hard. You are strong.

It won't be an amazing life,it might be all fun and new at the start for them,but he will cheat on her like he's cheated on you!,and believe me,he will!!
By then you will be well into your new life and wondering why the hell you felt like you do now,you will reach a point one day where you can look at him and feel nothing.
He's shown you who he is,so believe what you see,just focus on you and your boys,stay strong and know your worth!!
Once you get through this part,it will get easier,believe me.
I'm hoping you regularly update this thread during the coming months as I can't wait to see you grow from strength to strength and keep us updated on your journey to a better new life for you and your DC.
Lots of love xx

Cheapie divorce?? How much should I be expecting for a straight forward one with no contests?

im still trying to navigate the world of divorce whilst reeling with grief and it’s horrid. But I know the time is now.

His hourly rate is low but he does tonnes of hours so it doesn’t come out as a bad amount. He’s going to have to keep those hours up to fund his new room and eventually what I presume a flat / house with OW. It sickens me. I can’t process them living together.

True.

The CAB were very helpful when my ExH left - they ran different salary scenarios factoring in nursery/childcare costs and tax credits etc. so I could see what my options were.

@Chchchchangess I think @Sublimeursula makes some very shrewd financial points - I would follow her advice!

as for the sheer pain of thinking about them living together - don’t do it. It’s not happened yet and you don’t know for certain it will. It’s your mind torturing itself. Try not to be your own worst enemy. I say this with kindness as I do the same and I’ve learnt over the last 6 months it isn’t worth it. Some of my fears haven’t come true and now I realise they may not - yet there I was torturing myself over thoughts of what may be. You don’t yet need to process them living together. So don’t yet. No one knows what will happen in the next few months. Either could get cold feet for any reason - reality dawns, kid trouble, money trouble, whatever. And you would have wasted the limited energy you have now on it. Use your energy to love yourself and your children and be kind to yourself. Hard though that is. Take one hour at a time.

If these things do eventually happen… and every chance they won’t… you hopefully won’t feel like you do now anyway so the pain will feel less acute…

we are all behind you!

I agree with @Whatnext2023 I know it’s hard, but when you start imagining them together try to find a distraction. Hobby, cleaning, cooking anything.

I used to torture myself thinking about the OW cuddling my baby and ‘playing mum’ while my older two kids were playing blissfully in the background when my kids were with them.

How are your boys doing? When my ExH left, my 6yo DD was very traumatised and my 2yo DD used to search the house for daddy (she also became obsessed with the Stickman book - I think because the dad comes back home at Christmas).

@Chchchchangess you’re human. It’s really hard to just cut someone out of your life. (I’ve been there - spent too many years sort of with someone who wasn’t that in to me but I couldn’t imagine life without him. Until he finally crossed a line.)

You will come through this, you just have to begin with a day at a time, then a week at a time. It will get better but right now your head and your heart aren’t on the same page.

Find a bit of rage to keep you going. If anyone asks, don’t cover for him, be brief and factual, not bitter. Let them feel that for you.

It’s normal to feel like you do, it takes time and it’s normal. Keep busy if you have time on your hands start by clearing out your bedroom. Throw out everything you haven’t worn for the last couple of years, his can be folded and put into bin bags ready for him to pick up. Do a bit every day to start your new life.

Folded? Sod that! Just sling it in a bag! The more creased the better - he doesn’t deserve the wifey service now.

Ignore all weasely attempts to sweeten you. The how's you, the hair compliments. Grey rock time. Engage only about child care and arrangements for him moving out, keep that civil and polite.

Engage in writing - emails better than texts - and keep copies of everything, to head off any future 'my crazy unreasonable ex' nonsense, when he realises you are serious.

Keep the conversation around when and how he'll be moving out.

Start the declutter process, get packing boxes and bags in ready, because I'll bet he isn't doing it.

Time to redecorate the bedroom - paint charts, furnishing catalogues to our taste are good reading material - and send the message that you're cleaning house and making fresh starts.

I mean your taste! 🤣

Fancy asking how you are?
Ugh. He knows the answer to this question. He actually wants to hear about your pain and listen to your heart break about how you miss him. Awful behaviour
Time to stonewall him on anything personal. Keep any communication just about the kids and moving out arrangements.

Make sure the boys are out somewhere when he makes his final exit from the home, no drawn out sad goodbyes in your sanctuary and unhappy memories for them. Same for you, wait outside, be formal, get the keys, don't engage or watch him go, turn your back, go back into your safe space. Take a deep breath, it's a pivotal moment. You will be shocked that's he's actually gone. Are you planning to have someone with you at this time? It might be a good idea, I had a good friend supporting me on that day.
In the next few days you will might move away from feeling hurt and sadness and start to feel numb and detached. You might be able to get on with some stuff and function, albeit mechanically. This is the time to get busy with the practical side, legal bits, locks changed.
You will probably start to wonder what's he's doing and if he's ok. You will be very vulnerable. Try not to torture yourself and keep all communication formal and focused on the boys. Ignore any other emotional parts any messages. Keep busy, do lovely things with the boys, get people round to be a shoulder to cry on and laugh together.
Soon will come the anger and bitterness.
Don't underestimate this and don't let it get the better of you. Your boys are going to be hurting and this will stir the mama bear in you.
If you're able to do something aggressive at this point, do it. Something active, exercise class, gym, play a racket game. Remember your boys will be going through the same process so they will be upset and angry, they might need the same sort of activities. The ripple effect of this huge change will become apparent and you will realise how much bigger this all is than what's been going on in your head so far.
As awful as this all is for you right now, I can't help but feel positivity for you and your future. You've got a journey to go on and at times it will be a rough ride but one day, you will just be watching something happening in front of you and it will just dawn on you how amazing your life is. This time right now will be a distant memory for you.
Sending you strength and love ♥️

I’ve worked out there’s about 50k equity. That’s it.

Thank you so much for this.

all his stuff is gone. He found a room.

unfortusntely he’s going to need a key because he’s going to be looking after the children in the home when It’s his turn. There’s just no other arrangement I can think of at the moment because there’s no way my children are going to his house share. It also gives the boys a bit of reassurance and consistency. They are used to us being passing ships to an extent - i was planing on going up the road to my parents when this is going on - or hopefully in the future something like the gym.