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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

466 replies

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 08:14

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

OP posts:
Questionneedanswer · 27/01/2023 06:49

Because it is a loss in the same way as a bereavement is a loss

Because there is a trauma bond?

pocketvenuss · 27/01/2023 07:01

123sunshine · 26/01/2023 10:51

It's an awful thing to go through, but you will make it out the other side and be happy. I had many very low moments when my husband left me with 2 young children when I was mid 35, I thought my whole world had collapsed. I had given up may career to to be a stay at home mum and was terrfied what my future would look like. My husband didn't admit an affair, but did mess around with my feelings and tried to keep his options open. Eventually I discovered there was another women. Some advice: 1) do not allow him to keep the door open, he obviously isn't happy in the marriage as he's met someone else and previously left you, don't kid yourself that this can be fixed. 2) Despite all the hurt and pain, keep relations with him on a good level, it's so damaging to children to grow up with seperated parents at war. I have a good relationship with my ex husband (though we have had our moments!) we can talk and deal with problems with the kids together, be in the same room as each other etc. He went on to marry the woman and have a child together, she is a great step mum to my kids. 3) after a period of time allow yourself to live and be happy again. My life went from stay at home mum to running a successful professional business and remarried. Its not always been an easy path and life isn't perfect, but you have to look to the future and try to live a happy and successful life. Just a different life to what you'd planned.

You sound like the most grown up person on the internet today

HappyintheHills · 27/01/2023 09:18

It’s a loss of what you thought you had. That’s something to grieve but was a mirage.
Its time to build a better life on firm foundations.
Notice your mum’s instinct to deep clean. You can clear all his stuff out, rearrange your home to suit you and DC.
Please beware the instinct to facilitate all contact. Don’t let him back in your home.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/01/2023 09:49

@Chchchchangess Really pleased that you're already getting legal advice (I dithered and delayed for far too long) and that you're letting your friends know - hope they're being really supportive.

How are your boys doing?

Bollindger · 27/01/2023 11:00

This man is not who you believe him to be, get anger that he lied and cheated you.

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 27/01/2023 11:21

i can’t eat.

i keep crying

i just want him back.

even though I know life would be fake and awful.

it’s a comfort thing I guess.

OP posts:
Passmealargewine · 27/01/2023 11:37

It is a comfort thing. Hes been your 'norm' for a really long time.
Like others have said, you're grieving. For the future you thought you would have, for the person you wanted him to be. But the reality was he wasn't that person.

Try & be kind to yourself, do you have any hobbies? When you're struggling try to distract yourself. I found getting myself out for a walk really helped to clear my head. Or I'd find a good podcast to listen to. Anything to take my mind off it in that moment.

Try to eat a bit if you can, even if it's just a bit of chocolate or something. I think I was running purely on buckets of tea, biscuits & the odd bit of toast in those first couple of weeks! Treat yourself to some snacks you really enjoy

You will be fine x

Opentooffers · 27/01/2023 11:41

He's shown himself to be an untrustworthy man. It's doubtful he will ride off into the sunset with this OW neither of them will trust each other which will eat away at their relationship.

You've accepted him back before, so he will probably now hedge his bets by being just about nice enough to keep you as a fallback option. I doubt he thinks you've got the gumption to make it a legal split, good on you for looking into it. Stick with it as he's already shown you that if you try again you are just kicking the can down the road and will be right back in this situation in the future, meanwhile having to live under the cloud of when it will happen.
It's best if you disengage with him, keep communication to the minimum about DC's only. This makes it easier and quicker to get used to him not being in your life. He will try to pop up in your life in all sorts of ways to remind you that he is still connected to you and your family and maintain you as a plan B. He deserves, however, to know what he's thrown away, and the best way to do that is to push him into the background and get on with your life. The future will be better for you, he can't run away from himself and will take his shit ways into every future relationship he has.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2023 11:42

This shit bag of a man leaving is the best fucking thing that's ever happened to you. It's the truth.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/01/2023 11:54

Sorry to hear that OP.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it does get easier. Have you got much real life support?

You really don't want this man back to cause you and your children more upset a few months/years down the line when he does the same thing again. He doesn't deserve you, your love or your tears.

Earlier you said he would be looking at rooms next week - is he still living in your house?

AnnieFarmer · 27/01/2023 12:04

Chchchchangess · 27/01/2023 11:21

i can’t eat.

i keep crying

i just want him back.

even though I know life would be fake and awful.

it’s a comfort thing I guess.

All completely normal. Big hug. It’s going to take time but I promise you’ll come through this.

SlightlyJaded · 27/01/2023 12:13

One of the cruelest aspects of being left for someone else is the fact that you are losing the very person who you would turn to in times of crisis. And now they ARE the crisis. So you lose your partner but also your comfort in hard times.

It's completely natural that you want the person who you would normally turn to in a crisis, because you are in a crisis. It just can't be him that helps you this time. It's really hard but you have to reframe him now as he does not have your back. I am so sorry - it's fucking hard.

Soothsayer1 · 27/01/2023 12:15

@Chchchchangess
It's completely normal to feel like this, when you're in a state of shock when something so destabilising has happened you feel completely at sea with nothing to hold onto.
It's completely normal to want to roll back to the last stable configuration of your life. Even though you know it's only an illusion of stability it's still feels better than this awful feeling of having the ground fall from beneath your feet leaving you in free fall.

Please try to find other things that will comfort you in this acute phase of panic and fear.
You will be ok you can get through this very difficult phase 🙏💙

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 27/01/2023 12:22

PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/01/2023 11:54

Sorry to hear that OP.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it does get easier. Have you got much real life support?

You really don't want this man back to cause you and your children more upset a few months/years down the line when he does the same thing again. He doesn't deserve you, your love or your tears.

Earlier you said he would be looking at rooms next week - is he still living in your house?

He’s slept on the sofa twice.

he’s a carer doing nights so he sleeps there once a week.

it ended up being twice a week in Dec which has to have been a lie.

his OW has moved into her parents and I told him to stay there. But he still slept on the sofa because he literally would have been in his car. He has no family here

he’s moving out this weekend.

he obviously doesn’t care about it me. He keeps messaging me.

i know I need to draw a boundary but at the moment my head is spinning. And I feel like we will need daily communication for the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chchchchangess · 27/01/2023 12:23

He messaged me this morning to see how I was 🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2023 12:29

Chchchchangess · 27/01/2023 12:23

He messaged me this morning to see how I was 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I really, really hope you are not responding to this idiot. He's getting off on keeping you on the hook. Text him right now that unless it's about your child, you don't want to hear from him. You need to take control.

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 27/01/2023 12:37

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2023 12:29

I really, really hope you are not responding to this idiot. He's getting off on keeping you on the hook. Text him right now that unless it's about your child, you don't want to hear from him. You need to take control.

Show quote history

The thing is I feel like I need to keep things civil and as I need him to continue with his responsibilities. at the moment I’m only responding to questions about the children. Am I being a pushover?

what is haunting me is images of him with her having an amazing life. She must be true love for him to walk away from his.

OP posts:
PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/01/2023 12:43

Personally, I would respond to direct questions about the children eventually. He has no right to ask you how you are though.

I hope things get a bit easier for you once he's moved out of the house.

slowquickstep · 27/01/2023 12:46

tt Please remember you are grieving, it is normal to miss him and to still love him, you can't just switch those feelings off but you must remind yourself every half hour exactly what he has done, you mustn't crumble and take him back to make yourself feel better for a few days. He is a liar that doesn't value you or the family life you had. Stay strong but allow yourself to grieve.

ImBlueDab · 27/01/2023 12:47

You can be civil and also put boundaries in place

Text back 'I'm fine thank you, in future please only contact me if it's regarding the dc'

You can also have a think about contact.

Tell him 'you can video call the dc at 7pm on Monday and Fridays' shall we start contact every other weekend, Friday after school, you collect, to Sunday after tea, you drop off and every Wednesday for tea straight from school. Bring them back at x time. We can start this next week with your first weekend with the dc on the 3/2.

This way the dc have routine and you have boundaries.

Whatnext2023 · 27/01/2023 12:51

Oh OP my heart goes out and I can relate to the haunting thoughts. But true love?? Doubt it. New love maybe - different, illicit, fresh - but not necessarily true. It will be fun for now - but the shine will wear off soon enough when reality kicks in. Then it will have to survive in the humdrum of life like all other relationships - and will it manage to? Only time will tell. But by that time you hopefully won’t care.

someone once told me that the biggest torture is what we create in our own heads. And I believe that. So don’t torture yourself with thoughts of them. If they come up literally think of anything else but. Focus on rearranging your bedroom or something to make it a place of healing and tranquility just for you and maybe even that new love you meet someday! Don’t forget you have a life to lead too. And the freedom to find your true love.

Soothsayer1 · 27/01/2023 13:10

Chchchchangess · 27/01/2023 12:23

He messaged me this morning to see how I was 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Because you've taken him back before he is 100% confident that he can talk you round and make you do it again if he decides that his best option.
This is what he's trying to do, keep his options open, keep you sweet whilst at the same time hanging you out to dry.
If it was me I might pretend to go along with this, make him think I'll take him back but when it comes down to it slam the door in his smug face.
However there are children involved and he will use them to punish you, not caring about their well-being only about what's best for him.
It's probably best to resist the urge for revenge and ignore his attempts to keep you sweet.

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 27/01/2023 13:11

Whatnext2023 · 27/01/2023 12:51

Oh OP my heart goes out and I can relate to the haunting thoughts. But true love?? Doubt it. New love maybe - different, illicit, fresh - but not necessarily true. It will be fun for now - but the shine will wear off soon enough when reality kicks in. Then it will have to survive in the humdrum of life like all other relationships - and will it manage to? Only time will tell. But by that time you hopefully won’t care.

someone once told me that the biggest torture is what we create in our own heads. And I believe that. So don’t torture yourself with thoughts of them. If they come up literally think of anything else but. Focus on rearranging your bedroom or something to make it a place of healing and tranquility just for you and maybe even that new love you meet someday! Don’t forget you have a life to lead too. And the freedom to find your true love.

Messages like these warm my heart.

thank you.

i have lots of real life support but because no one has lived this that I know personally, mumsent is giving me a level of reassurance I could never have imagined.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chchchchangess · 27/01/2023 13:12

ImBlueDab · 27/01/2023 12:47

You can be civil and also put boundaries in place

Text back 'I'm fine thank you, in future please only contact me if it's regarding the dc'

You can also have a think about contact.

Tell him 'you can video call the dc at 7pm on Monday and Fridays' shall we start contact every other weekend, Friday after school, you collect, to Sunday after tea, you drop off and every Wednesday for tea straight from school. Bring them back at x time. We can start this next week with your first weekend with the dc on the 3/2.

This way the dc have routine and you have boundaries.

Really helpful. Thank you

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 27/01/2023 13:14

He will not have an amazing life with the new woman, he's the same cheating lying person that he always was he will do the same to her it's his Modus operandi, he can't help it, it's just who he is he gets his kicks from exploiting people