Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

[Chchchchangess]

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

I felt quite strong last night but today the anxious stomach is back and I feel jittery and hopeless. Again craving his presence even though I know it’s meaningless because he was living a lie. We were living a lie. I must be such a repulsive troll to him.

You're not a repulsive troll.
You are a strong, beautiful woman that has had her trust shattered by the man she loved.
You need to move on from him, and you will, just take your time to look after yourself and get everything in order. This is all about him and the type of person he is, and nothing about you.

I have a decent pension.
i do the lions share of the childcare but he did most of the school runs in the week as he works 48 hour shifts every other weekend. X

He is the repulsive troll.

He is a liar, and a cheat. He’s the one who is walking away from his wife and his children for another liar and cheat.

You’ve got this, stay strong. You really do not need this revolting creature in your life.

is today the day he is moving out @Chchchchangess?

He’s coming back today so we can get down his agreements to money and childcare in writing. I will use this to take to the solicitor so I have written confirmation of what he is is consenting to.

over the last 12 hours I’ve felt a glimmer of strength. When I came home yesterday he had been crying. I actually felt bad for him.

There’s a possibility it’s true love but a bigger probability that it’s just new love. Some men seem to respond to novelty- once it’s worn off he’ll realise what he’s ruined.
You & DC are the priority, and I agree that you should just respond to the essential points not tell him what you’re feeling. Ignore those questions. You’ll get through this.

Great idea to get the payments down in writing and to go to solicitor with it now

we’ve agreed an amount I’m happy with. I haven’t gone through the CMS as the amount we’ve agreed on is more than that. Im aware that this might not last forever but I can go through CMS if he defaults, right?

@Chchchchangess You are NOT a repulsive troll. But! I get that it makes you feel that way. It did me too and it’s horrible. But like all the other feelings it passes and you will realise there is no basis to it. If he thought you were a repulsive troll he wouldn’t have settled with you in the first place!! So try to stop that damaging thought pattern if you can.

The issue is him. It’s not necessarily even his fault for feeling the way he does. Has he always liked ‘new’ things? Liked change? Variety? Liked excitement? More one for buying new than fixing old? Has he recently had a big birthday? Is he really happy in his job? Is he easily jealous of what he sees around him? What was his parents relationship like? I wonder how he felt deep down about you being the main breadwinner? Is he a good communicator about his feelings?

You don’t need to answer these questions I’m just trying to help you think about this man’s psyche to help you understand why he’s behaved like he has… because it’s not you personally… regardless of how you answer the questions above… you haven’t done anything more than be a good mum and provider… and partner… it’s something that’s in him. Not you!! But unfortunately you are the one who is dealing with the pain of his behaviour. Which is rubbish to say the least.

you will have glimmers of hope and then they’ll go again… and a new torturous thought will emerge… but then a glimmer will come back and stay that bit longer… and slowly over time the strength will outweigh that sick empty stomach feeling… I promise.

you are already sounding so strong even though you don’t think you are…

I originally had an informal maintenance agreement with the ExH until he started mucking me around (paying late, underpaying, using threats of reducing it as a weapon).

In the end I want to the CMS. It was slightly less maintenance than the informal agreement but at least it was kind of guaranteed. The threat of going ‘collect and pay’ usually concentrates their minds!

@Chchchchangess “When I came home yesterday he had been crying. I actually felt bad for him”

Do not feel bad for him.

These are selfish self-pitying, self-indulgent tears.

This entire situation is of HIS making - he doesn’t get to turn on the waterworks and attract any sort of sympathy.

Please don’t go into these financial and childcare agreements with anything other than complete and utter contempt for the way he has treated you and your children.

When I came home yesterday he had been crying. I actually felt bad for him
He is just feeling sorry for himself, more than he felt for you when you were upset. Please do not crack, I know from experience a leopard doesn’t change its spots. I wasted more 10 years of metal abuse.

When I came home yesterday he had been crying. I actually felt bad for him

Diddums.

And you need to remember, it’s not “home” to him anymore. He left you for a woman who lives with her parents and can’t put him up__

Mine went from being a reasonable man money wise to being incredibly greedy so I just used a solicitor to create a simple financial settlement which he had to sign up to - did it quite quickly whilst he was still feeling guilty! We weren’t married though - so for me it was limited to buying out the house and CMS. Would also advise to go through govt service for peace of mind and limits more comms with him.

Exactly this!

Mine cried too whimpering how he felt he was growing distant with his DC’s… go figure?!? You left! It happens! You made your bed now lie in it! I actually enjoyed seeing him cry… whilst I was dying inside I wanted to see him in some sort of emotional pain!!

I would go the CMS route.

I didn’t and I regret it massively all these years on. It started out as fair, and a little more than CMS (or so he said, he’d always been cagey about his salary).

But years of bragging about huge pay rises and bonuses got to me.

(Mine was complicated though, I didn’t fight as he would have been a worse arsehole, all he cared about was money, not the well-being of dc).

I meant exactly this in relation to his tears being selfish and self indulgent like @PopGoesTheProsecco said!

He told you that he has been crying in order the make you feel bad for him. It’s manipulation.

I don't like the idea of him in the house alone for access. It's no longer his home. It is now your sanctuary.

Is there a friend or relative's place he can have the children for access?

so sorry . When my ex DH did this to me, I had to channel all my energy into holiding it togegther. You will go through a grief. Look after yourself. I found it good to do things to improve my self esteems

This^
pure manipulation, he is strategically letting you see his tears in order to make you feel guilty so that he can worm his way back in at his own convenience.
He is the is the one who cheated, he is the one in the wrong, he is the one who abandoned his partner and his children, his children to whom he has a duty.
This person is spineless and only thinks of himself, no sense of duty, no morals. He only acts out of pure short term self-interest. He's not capable of being a good partner.

So I’m now sitting in my car crying. I took my children to the soft play and just felt so depressed seeing all the other families.

i really don’t understand how my emotions can change so quickly.

I know it’s stupid but I really do miss him.