Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

[Chchchchangess]

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

Yes, you will feel frozen and numb with shock right now. It’s devastating and shattering. You won’t believe me right now but having experienced it, I promise you that you WILL be okay (I’m 3 years on now and happier than I’ve been in years, on good terms with exH and lovely new man in my life).

Read ‘Runaway Husbands’ by Vikki Stark www.runawayhusbands.com and join the private Facebook group. Those woman will be the only ones who will understand and you will be able to relate to them. I felt such shame when it happened (stayed away from places I might bump into school mums for a year). People who haven’t experienced it don’t understand it and will reason it away with silly misconceptions. Just hang in there things will get better in time. x

My husband cheated on me recently, 2 kids and pregnant. Find a great counsellor, surround yourself with support, don't take him back, and live your best life. You are going to be just fine, he definitely wont be.

You will be ok. I promise you will make it through. Feel all your emotions, so you can move beyond the initial shock and start getting comfortable in your new life.

I know you feel love for him, but feelings are not facts. You deserve to be surrounded by people who support you, and he is obviously not one of those people. The trash has taken itself out, making room in your life for positivity, growth and peace.

Ditto

Ditto

Ditto

Put his stuff in bin bags, chuck them in the front garden and change the locks. You have been carrying him for too long.

Of course you have low self esteem! He's been dragging you down for ever.

With a job and two small children you don't have time to pander to his ego. I'd guess that instead of being depressed, you're exhausted. Give yourself a break and get some tlc. Can you stay with a friend or relative? And change your number - or at the very least block him.

So he gave you a compliment. So what? There are lots of nice men out there who would appreciate a capable, intelligent and caring young woman like yourself. Men who would tell you what a schlob your husband is. You have a lot to offer and need your qualities appreciated.

You will get through this, it won't be easy and of course you are totally shocked and distraught. I won't bore you with my story but I survived being left for another woman when my baby was 7 months old. It was many years ago but I still recall the utter shock and then the way my life changed. Many of the changes were for the better, I found (and you will too) so much strength and determination mainly because I wanted to make a good life for my baby. I hope you have lots of support in real life, lean on your family and friends, accept that there will be lows but eventually there will be more good days than bad. Wishing you well

I am curious as to why I am so attached to someone who has betrayed me so much
trauma bond, cognitive dissonance, that kind of thing, he's messed with your head and eroded your boundaries so much you cant tell up from down.
Complimenting your hair is part of the same thing, plus he's trying to keep you sweet incase he wants to worm his way back in
yes he is a worm, an invertebrate (no backbone)

I am distressed because I miss him. How the hell can I miss someone who has disrespected me in this way? i want to slap myself but I am so used to him in the same house that It feels so weird without him.

@Chchchchangess

It's not really him you miss. It's the death of the dream of what you had planned for your life and he was a major part of that dream. So don't be afraid to grieve the death of that dream. That's natural and normal. Just keep reminding yourself that you aren't grieving him, but the dream. Access counseling if you need to, to keep you on that track.

If you do nothing else during this 'crisis' period, keep your dignity. No begging, no 'pick me dance', no tears in front of him. If you have to bite your cheeks to bleeding or pinch your arms hard enough to bruise, do it. You will be so glad when this is over that you kept your dignity and never let him see you beg, plead, or cry. Because once this crisis period is over, you're going to have to coparent and if you've kept your dignity you'll be able to do that with calm and openness instead of having resentment that he 'saw you at your worst'.

Right now, seek support even your 'supporters' have never been where you are. Just shoulders to lean on, cry on and comforting hugs can work miracles. And get your legal position explained and those ducks in a row. You've got this, you really do.

Remember the wise words of that famous 'silly old bear': "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think". Silly old bear's not so silly after all.

I really feel for you it’s disgusting shitty behaviour to do to you and his sons💐

You don’t realise it now, but in a bit of time you’ll realise that you’re far better off without the traitor.

You’ll never be able to trust him, so don’t ever let him back.

The trash took itself out. You have a wonderful, positive life ahead of you! Trust me ❤️❤️

It took me a long time to realise this but please understand this.
You miss the man you WISH your childrens father was.
You miss the man you wanted to be the love of your life, HE is not this man , that man is a dream.
List all the bad things he does, says and d all the ways he dissapointed you.
Then realise just how much cleaner the love is your children offer.

OP the advice here is genuinely supportive & amazing. Others are right, seek comfort from family & friends and get decent legal advice. Eat & stay hydrated is right. Ensure (if its safe for ur kids) that he has some childcare (read Parenting) responsibilities as part of this 'new normal'. I salute you as a fellow main breadwinner & this puts you in the absolute position of strength. You won't believe me yet, but you deserve better & can & will achieve better. There will hopefully come a time (maybe in 2 or 3 years, maybe in 10) where you will have an amicable relationship and be able to smile a wry smile about the favour he did you by "granting you the freedom" to search for the right guy. He will have the sad smile of a man who has finally realised the error of his ways, because you now belong to "the right guy". This is a good lesson for him & the world's sweetest form of revenge - living well & holding no grudges.

Absolutely this!

I did 6mths of counselling when my ExH left for the OW - by the end of it I almost wanted to send a ‘thank you’ card to her for taking him off my hands!

And like @AprilFools2015 said, I now feel he did me a favour by giving me the freedom to live my life happily again (obvs eventually with someone else).

You deserve so much better than this selfish man-child.

I know it’s really hard right now, it’s very new and raw, but I promise you it gets much, much better. It’s okay to waiver and to think you want him back (I did and some lovely Mumsnetters reminded me what a cockwomble he was each time).

Good luck OP. His problems are no longer your responsibility (financial, housing -whatever). Please stay strong and when he raises ‘his difficulties’ think about what is best for you and your DC. Don’t even give his needs another thought - he does not deserve it. He’s made his choice and deserves nothing from you. From experience, I would say get him out the house now (I wish I had done this).

How are you @Chchchchangess x

As @Bollindger and others have said, OP, it isn't him you miss -it's your dream, what might have been, what should have been.

This is a bereavement - you need to be kind to yourself. You are very vulnerable.

So he can go if he's not happy.
Make sure to him which half of every week going forward he prefers to do his 24/7 sole care of the DC. That'll put the wind up him.

This thread has really kept me going. Wow. So many supportive comments. Thank you!!!!

Today was hard because I had a legal consultation and became utterly overwhelmed very quickly. I then kept replaying memories of him in my head and became very very low. My mum was with me most of the day and did some very aggressive cleaning!

one thing that has helped me is that fact that when I’ve been working all week he’s been using his days off to see her. That is just gross. Instead of doing something to benefit our family he’s chosen his own needs.

hes messaging me asking to video chat the kids and I’ve let him because I don’t want to deny any form of access. However I’m aware there will need to be clear boundaries.

I’ve told more friends today.

im plucking up the courage to file for divorce within the next week. It’s very overwhelming but the solicitor on the phone was fantastic. While he’s feeling guilty I want to strike whilst the iron is hot.

this thread has given me such strength.

No advice different to what you have been offered, just wanted to send hugs

Definitely act while he is feeling guilty
My solicitor said that to me, I didn’t listen to my detriment

Can be good to get a counsellor so you don’t offload to solicitors (which at their hourly rates is very costly)
I recommend BetterHelp online

One day, when the dust has started to clear, you’ll go to bed and realise you don’t have a knot in your stomach (the knot that I’m sure was there way before this new woman transpired), and you’ll see what freedom feels like. Just hold on over the bumpy bits. Good luck 🤞🏻

Well done on telling your mum and speaking to the solicitor. We’ve got your back 👊 💐

Let this be the last time he disrespects you.

A life alone is better than a life of deceit where your self worth is eroded.

I hope his cock rots off.

💐

You really need to cut the cord and get away from him.
Rip off the band-aid, don't drag the pain on and on by keeping him around.
He is a cheating piece of shit.
He absolutely cannot be trusted ever again.
He is a low quality human.
He will try to Hoover you back in so you can provide him a cushy lifestyle while he fucks around to his heart's content.
DON'T LET HIM.

Today was hard because I had a legal consultation and became utterly overwhelmed very quickly.

@Chchchchangess It can be a good idea to take a trusted relative or friend with you when you visit the solicitor. Take someone with a calm and good head on their shoulders to listen and take notes. Two heads are better than one. I've done this for a couple of friends. I took notes, reminded them of things, sometimes said "Did you understand that?" when I saw their eyes start to glaze over, and occasionally just reached over and touched them to help 'ground them'.

And when you visit the solicitor next, take a list of questions and don't be afraid to question the answers! This will be a marathon, not a sprint. Take it all one day at a time.

And yes, strike while the iron is hot. But remember that the iron quickly cools down so don't be surprised if there's some pushback relatively soon, especially after he sees his own solicitor, or if the OW starts to influence his decisions.

OP the stages outlined in the book not only gave me hope at such a difficult time but they were accurate: www.runawayhusbands.com/healing

All I can think about is the good times we had.

why the hell does it feel like such a loss