Page 13 | Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

Chchchchangess · 2023-01-26T08:14:14+00:00

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity. my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me. please be gentle. i know my marriage is over but I still care about him. im 36 and clearly have very low esteem He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago. infeel sick. we have two boys age 7&4. I am crumbling please help

quietlyspoken08 · 30/01/2023 19:38

Well done OP time will make it all so much easier to cope with and although you may still have moments of feeling sad you will look back and be proud of the strong woman you are for yourself and your children. He can never have that feeling and has to live with being a cheat! Keep your head up and do small things that make you happy. Sending you lots of love and strength you've got this.

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 31/01/2023 10:48

I haven’t cried today…. Yet! Small wins x

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barbrahunter · 31/01/2023 11:09

Bless you x

PopGoesTheProsecco · 31/01/2023 11:13

That's really good to hear OP!

How are your boys doing?

Whatnext2023 · 31/01/2023 13:08

Amazing stuff OP! I was a ball of tears for months so you’re doing brilliantly! (Although have to say a good cry can help loads too!)

keep going… you’re doing so well… one minute/hour/day at a time…

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 31/01/2023 13:27

PopGoesTheProsecco · 31/01/2023 11:13

That's really good to hear OP!

How are your boys doing?

The mum and dad glue book has arrived! I will read it to them this evening.

since the ‘disaster of the day we told them’ they’ve been surprisingly ok. He came over last night and the night before and that has reassured them massively that he is still going to be a part of their lives.

ive made a visual calendar of the days that they will see him.

xx

OP posts:

PopGoesTheProsecco · 31/01/2023 14:04

Chchchchangess · 31/01/2023 13:27

The mum and dad glue book has arrived! I will read it to them this evening.

since the ‘disaster of the day we told them’ they’ve been surprisingly ok. He came over last night and the night before and that has reassured them massively that he is still going to be a part of their lives.

ive made a visual calendar of the days that they will see him.

xx

Show quote history

Glad it's arrived and that they are doing okay.

I think the book helped my eldest DD (she was very upset and I think it helped her to understand that she was still very much loved). My middle DD became obsessed with the Stick Man book though (I guess because the Stick Dad returns at Christmas).

Good idea about the calendar! I wish I'd thought of that.

x

slowquickstep · 31/01/2023 16:52

That's fantastic news OP. you have taken control x

PopGoesTheProsecco · 31/01/2023 21:31

@Chchchchangess Hope you don’t mind me mentioning it but does the school know what has happened? I didn’t think to tell them and was mortified when the teacher said that DD1 was very emotional and cried about ‘small’ things. x

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 01/02/2023 06:47

Hi yes I’ve told the school as I was so worried but they’ve not noticed anything.

i didn’t have a such a great evening after my day of being strong. I missed him and felt very wobbly about being alone in the future with so much responsibility. A lot of my friends are mostly married with young children and I just feel so isolated.

He also messages me about FaceTiming the kids and then wanted to speak to me also about arrangements. I can’t escape him. I feel like I have to see this person who hurt me most days for the foreseeable which makes it so hard to move on!
i also don’t think he has any understanding of how much hurt and pain he has caused.

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lifeinthehills · 01/02/2023 06:56

Chchchchangess · 01/02/2023 06:47

Hi yes I’ve told the school as I was so worried but they’ve not noticed anything.

i didn’t have a such a great evening after my day of being strong. I missed him and felt very wobbly about being alone in the future with so much responsibility. A lot of my friends are mostly married with young children and I just feel so isolated.

He also messages me about FaceTiming the kids and then wanted to speak to me also about arrangements. I can’t escape him. I feel like I have to see this person who hurt me most days for the foreseeable which makes it so hard to move on!
i also don’t think he has any understanding of how much hurt and pain he has caused.

Of course you're going to have wobbles. It's a hard time, for sure. I wonder if it would be best to set up some sort of schedule with him? Then you don't need the constant back and forth contact with him all the time?

Questionneedanswer · 01/02/2023 08:08

Our family wizard or similar parenting app really helps with the communication
and then it’s all recorded in one place

Bluesandtwos7 · 01/02/2023 09:58

Give him Permission to cheat.
hell freak out ,

Bluesandtwos7 · 01/02/2023 10:09

Go and cheat yourself with someone. But don’t tell him and you’ll feel better and your mind will be good. He’ll be the one carrying the guilt.
hell eventually have to drop the side piece who costs him the less.he’s got more to lose if he isn’t with you

Whatnext2023 · 01/02/2023 10:56

Chchchchangess · 01/02/2023 06:47

Hi yes I’ve told the school as I was so worried but they’ve not noticed anything.

i didn’t have a such a great evening after my day of being strong. I missed him and felt very wobbly about being alone in the future with so much responsibility. A lot of my friends are mostly married with young children and I just feel so isolated.

He also messages me about FaceTiming the kids and then wanted to speak to me also about arrangements. I can’t escape him. I feel like I have to see this person who hurt me most days for the foreseeable which makes it so hard to move on!
i also don’t think he has any understanding of how much hurt and pain he has caused.

Just a note to empathise really. I agree it feels extra tough for you when there are children involved as there is no clean break. You can’t just try to ‘forget’ them as they keep popping up. Like a constant scratch on an open wound. Advice above about setting a schedule or using communication apps is good. It does limit your comms with them. As much as you can cut him out of your head the better. Minimise him in your mind as much as you can. I find even limiting eye contact on visits helps me. I just busy myself elsewhere and then go out as soon as I can. Once a schedule has been set up your meaningful contact with him should reduce right down to almost nothing. I promise you with time it does get better though. I really didn’t think it would - but it does…

Whatnext2023 · 01/02/2023 10:59

Chchchchangess · 01/02/2023 06:47

Hi yes I’ve told the school as I was so worried but they’ve not noticed anything.

i didn’t have a such a great evening after my day of being strong. I missed him and felt very wobbly about being alone in the future with so much responsibility. A lot of my friends are mostly married with young children and I just feel so isolated.

He also messages me about FaceTiming the kids and then wanted to speak to me also about arrangements. I can’t escape him. I feel like I have to see this person who hurt me most days for the foreseeable which makes it so hard to move on!
i also don’t think he has any understanding of how much hurt and pain he has caused.

Also as time passes try to take note of when you feel at your worst. For me it’s when I first wake up. Evenings sound hard for you at the moment. That may also change. But when you know the difficult times of the day loom… mix it up, do something different, don’t try to watch Netflix like you maybe used to with him during the evening, find your own Tv/radio/books and make a new routine that’s comforting for you…

PopGoesTheProsecco · 01/02/2023 11:07

Great to hear they're doing okay when they're at school.

It's so normal to be up and down - it's still very early days, and him keeping on messaging about FaceTime etc is not helping.

I agree with others about schedules and communication apps. And set clear boundaries and expectations. Sometimes the kids may not want to FaceTime and it's not down to you to make them (my ex used to get very cross with me when the girls didn't want to do it, or got bored half way through). I would always encourage them to FT but I certainly wasn't going to force them to do it much to his annoyance.

AllOfThemWitches · 01/02/2023 12:47

Oh my god, he's the repulsive one, they'll get bored of each other soon enough, he'll come crawling back and you'll tell him to go fuck himself. Good luck!

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 01/02/2023 16:47

I know this isn’t what is going to help me heal and is somewhat repulsive in itself but a group of builders asked for my number today 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Whatnext2023 · 01/02/2023 17:15

Chchchchangess · 01/02/2023 16:47

I know this isn’t what is going to help me heal and is somewhat repulsive in itself but a group of builders asked for my number today 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’d take it as a win!! 🤣🤣

EasterIsland · 01/02/2023 18:00

i work full time as the main earner.

Be prepared for him to try to really screw you over financially. Get all your finances clear and any joint accounts make sure they are yours.

A man prepared to behave as he has will not have any ethics about getting everything he can out of you, while still freeloading on you.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/02/2023 18:28

Chchchchangess · 01/02/2023 06:47

Hi yes I’ve told the school as I was so worried but they’ve not noticed anything.

i didn’t have a such a great evening after my day of being strong. I missed him and felt very wobbly about being alone in the future with so much responsibility. A lot of my friends are mostly married with young children and I just feel so isolated.

He also messages me about FaceTiming the kids and then wanted to speak to me also about arrangements. I can’t escape him. I feel like I have to see this person who hurt me most days for the foreseeable which makes it so hard to move on!
i also don’t think he has any understanding of how much hurt and pain he has caused.

Set up a specific FT schedule and tell him that you will have the DC ready and there is no need for him to message you beforehand. Plunk the DC down and when they are done, terminate the call right away. No need for you to say 'goodbye' or wait for him to do so.

Also, set up a dedicated email address for him to use to discuss access and for future 'negotiations'. Now that you've filed for divorce there absolutely needs to be a written record kept of your discussions and email is the easiest way to do that.

Another suggestion; keep a paper calendar of access & FTs. When it's scheduled, what he keeps, what he cancels, when it's changed/rearranged. Now is the time for 'structure' and record keeping. Trust me on this, you'll be glad you did.

Also, yay on the builders! We take our 'ego strokes' where we find them!

AcrossthePond55 · 01/02/2023 18:35

Oh another point.

Another reason to use email. Chances are at some point he's going to ask or suggest something that gives you 'pause'. When that's done 'in person' or via FT we tend to jump on our first reaction/usual train of thought to reply since the person asking is 'right there', expecting a response. Then later we regret it or need to retract. When everything is email, they really don't know when you see the email so you have time to think, research, and compose a reply that's in your best interests.

BurntOutGirl · 01/02/2023 20:00

Also keeping contact in writing means they can't gaslight. My XH always gaslit me to the extent l completely doubted my own memory. Once We split, it soon became very clear what he was doing thanks to it all being in writing. I'd challenge him on it and screenshot the previous conversation back to him - he stopped playing silly buggers.

Original poster

Chchchchangess · 02/02/2023 06:32

Any tips on what to do when I get horrible visions of him together with the woman? It’s gut wrenching.. x

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