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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

466 replies

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 08:14

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

OP posts:
Original poster
Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 09:35

he’s moved out.

i just feel paralysed with grief and confusion. Why is it such a rollercoaster of emotions.

i can’t move from the sofa

OP posts:
PopGoesTheProsecco · 30/01/2023 09:40

Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 08:59

I can’t do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes you can.

It will feel like a rollercoaster for a while but you will get through it and come out the other side stronger. It will get better.

Sublimeursula · 30/01/2023 09:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Whatnext2023 · 30/01/2023 10:03

Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 09:35

he’s moved out.

i just feel paralysed with grief and confusion. Why is it such a rollercoaster of emotions.

i can’t move from the sofa

all those feelings are entirely normal and I’d be worried if you didn’t feel them… it’s almost an out of body experience… it’s horrific… it’s a form of severe emotional trauma. So go easy on yourself. Cry, scream, talk, shout, sob… let it all come… it feels awful but you will get through it. Just take it minute by minute. Literally. Tell family and kind friends and let them support you. Tell work so you don’t jeapordise your financial lifeline while you recover. Try to take some time off if you can. Maybe consider seeing your GP. Just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Many of us have been there or are there too and we are all there with you. You can do this.

MadeForThis · 30/01/2023 10:07

Allow yourself time to grieve. You will grow stronger and you will move on. One day you will be glad he is gone.

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 10:34

I’ve told work

OP posts:
Sublimeursula · 30/01/2023 10:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PregnantandPissedoff · 30/01/2023 10:54

You absolutely can do it. And whether you want to or not, you need to. Lioness. Mama lion. You've got two boys he's fucked over as well so you're their advocate and strength.
This is going to be the best thing that's happened to you, worse for him.

Ruby0707 · 30/01/2023 10:57

You will go backwards and forwards through the stages and emotions.

Just use those periods or strength and anger to do the practical things that need doing and to move forward.

When you are feeling rubbish, just go with it and don't beat yourself up.

You've got this x

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 30/01/2023 12:28

You will come to realise how much of a favour he has done you by moving out. Do not allow him back this time as he already knows you will forgive him from past experience.
He does not value you at all. You are somewhere he can perch while he goes out meeting other women. Knock him off it. Change the locks and start to value yourself because he sure as hell does not OP

Lampzade · 30/01/2023 12:38

It is difficult now Op, but one day you will be grateful that he left.
Do not allow him to move back in.

Ginandpanic · 30/01/2023 13:06

Although I wanted to sue at the time, my husband of nearly 30 years left me unexpectedly 2 years ago. Turns out it was the best thing that could have happened.
it’s horrendous now, but keep going. It will get better. You will thrive and be happy again.

Soothsayer1 · 30/01/2023 13:55

That's the biggest hurdle over with, you're golden now
just don't let him back

Soothsayer1 · 30/01/2023 14:27

Keep in mind that the purpose of this ambush is to leave you shocked and disorientated, also to give him the upper hand because it will take a while to collect yourself. It would also tend to have the effect of deepening any trauma bond.
He may be expecting you to beg him to come back.
It might be best not to communicate with him at all.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2023 14:41

Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 09:35

he’s moved out.

i just feel paralysed with grief and confusion. Why is it such a rollercoaster of emotions.

i can’t move from the sofa

Yes, you can. I told you yesterday that this would happen and it has. Perfectly normal. Remember that 'fire' you had yesterday? It's still there, it's just 'banked'. It will come back! Keep reminding yourself of that.

I found it best to set myself a specific time to allow my emotions to 'roll over' me. For me it was usually 30 mins to an hour. I actually set a timer! I'd 'wallow' knowing that in XX time I had to get up and get on with life. When the time was up I'd find a physical 'task' to do, something that would end up in a result I could see. Nothing that has anything to do with the breakup, so no packing his shit, doing divorce paperwork, etc. Fold laundry, mop a floor, dust, clean a cupboard. Something that at the end you can SEE it and say "I did that".

Tomorrow is another day.

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 17:20

I found some strength from somewhere… today I’ve official filed for divorce!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 17:21

He really is such a turd

OP posts:
PopGoesTheProsecco · 30/01/2023 17:31

Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 17:20

I found some strength from somewhere… today I’ve official filed for divorce!

Good for you OP!

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2023 17:35

Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 17:20

I found some strength from somewhere… today I’ve official filed for divorce!

See? I told you you had it in you!

Major step taken! Now, treat yourself to something, even if it's just a large hunk small piece of chocolate or a small glass of wine. Or both! Port and dark chocolate YUM!

SouperNoodle · 30/01/2023 17:39

Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 17:20

I found some strength from somewhere… today I’ve official filed for divorce!

Well done!!!

TheHumanExperience · 30/01/2023 17:40

Chchchchangess · 26/01/2023 09:41

I’ve just done the school run and I’ve now crumbled.

i want to call him and beg him not to do this

I do not mean to be harsh. I feel for you I really do but sadly, he is doing this because he knows/thinks you are weak. He cheated on you 10 years ago and you forgave him. He cheated on you again and you let him back. Did having a family and responsibilities change him, or did he still act as though he was single and you did most of the work? Has he been sharing the burden of the finances and childcare, has he been loving and attentive to you?

You deserve better, don't you? Or do you feel this pathetic serial cheater is all you're worth, all your children deserve as a role model. He isn't making you happy. I'm not sure if you have ever felt secure with a man like this; have you?

At the moment you are in shock, and that's totally normal but were the signs there and you ignored them because you didn't want it to be true?

You must keep your head screwed on and not allow him to play with your emotions, which is what it sounds like he's doing. How low can he go.

You need to sort your finances out. If you are the main earner and he has access to all your accounts and savings, you really need to go over these to see what activity there has been. You need to protect them from being removed and potentially gone forever. I wouldn't put it past him.

You need a Solicitor ASAP, especially where finances and assets are concerned. I don't know if adultery changes how much of the 50% he may be entitled to by being married. That's if you own your own home. Did you buy it together or was it yours/his.... no matter, I think it may still be a 50/50 split and he will know that. This may all be irrelevant for your situation but get advice. Kick yourself upon the bum and take action. If you don't, he could easily take advantage of you while you are immobilised by shock.

Do you have friends and family that are assertive, that can help you do what you need to do? The last thing you need is any thoughts of taking him back, he will just do it again.

You can fo this. You are so much stronger than you realise.

Whatnext2023 · 30/01/2023 18:28

Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 17:20

I found some strength from somewhere… today I’ve official filed for divorce!

You go OP!!! Amazing! You are finding strength in places you didn’t even know existed until now… remember you’ll feel weak and sad again… but then you’ll find strength again and so it will go on for a while… but the strength will eventually outweigh the wobbly times.

at the end of each day think about what you did achieve to show him and yourself how strong you are. Reward yourself. Be kind to yourself.

keep going - just keep going - I’m 5 months in and I promise you it does get better…

Ydkiml · 30/01/2023 18:53

You will get through this , and I bet it doesn’t work out between them and he comes back begging . I just hope you are strong enough to tell him to sod off . You sound lovely and you will make someone else very happy one day

Original poster
Chchchchangess · 30/01/2023 19:04

Thank you everyone.

x

OP posts:
Grincheynewyear · 30/01/2023 19:34

Hope you are okay this evening.