Husband leaving me for another woman. Pls help. shock.

[Chchchchangess]

I can’t write much detail right now but I desperately need some positivity.

my husband has been acting off for months and last night I questioned him about it and he finally told me he’d met someone else from work. She gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting from me.

please be gentle.

i know my marriage is over but I still care about him.

im 36 and clearly have very low esteem

He Left me three years ago but I let him come back - our baby was only a few months. another woman never transpired. He cheated on me before, though… about 10 years ago.

infeel sick.

we have two boys age 7&4.

I am crumbling please help

It’s not stupid OP, like others have said you are in shock and are grieving. It’s only been three days.

Hope you are okay.
Rearranging your house will help.
Write down your feelings and destroy the paper - 10/20 mins - let it all flow out onto the piece of paper. Every fear, hate, sadness, joy, everything. It really will help.

Have you looked at the surviving infidelity website?
Also watch Brene Brown on you tube. She writes about shame. You have no shame by the way. Her talks will distract you.

He is at fault, nothing you do can cause him to cheat. Nothing. If he was honest and decent he would have told you he was unhappy and attracted to someone and asked to do something about your relationship.

He may be a serial cheat addicted to the thrill or the endorphins caused by the chase and initial relationship stages. Or he has hit a crisis. Whatever the cause it will be a flaw in his personality and unless he discovers what it is and why he is likely to still have this flaw and you are better off without him. She has done you a favour. You still don’t know if she will return to her partner. Anything could happen yet but his behaviour has enabled you to move on in life and get what you deserve. Hitting rock bottom when shit is thrown at you may enable you to rebuild and improve yourself. Focus on your own growth. It’s your time now.

Has he said categorically that he wants yours and his relationship to end?

It’s grief

So hard (but it does get better)

He doesn’t need to. His actions make this so clear. He’s not directly said it but he may as well have.

They can change that quickly because you're in 'protect' mode. You're keeping the thoughts at bay but for now that 'wall' is rather thin and it cracks easily.

The wall will get 'thicker' as the days go by.

And keep reminding yourself that it's not 'him' you miss, because he is not who you believed he was. Remember: your emotions are for the loss of the dream of what your life was. But that dream is not reality and you must deal in reality now.

You are doing so well OP. I think its really important to keep your home as a safe space. I don't like the idea of him being in your home with the kids whilst you have to go out. He lost the privilege of access to your home when he shagged the other women and broke his wedding vows. It's not about making it easy for him, but what's best for the kids.
Can he take them to an after school club or swimming on his contact day? He could shower them after and bring them back in their PJ's? Perhaps they would like to start a football club? He can wash their kit after during the week! He can also He can take them out for food, perhaps take them to a cafe to do their homework? It could be an opportunity for you to get him to do things that benefit the kids. Don't be left doing all the hard work. He doesn't get to do just nice things.

Don't feel sorry for him - ever.

If you start to remind yourself that this isn't the first time he's done this; he is prepared to hurt not only you, but your children just for the sake of a sh*g (to put it crudely); that if you weaken even for a moment, he will take advantage of it; that if you let him back into your life, he will do this again, and again, and again.

He cries out of self-pity, and because YOU are showing strength. e didn't expect that - he thought you would crumple and beg him to stay. He just can't believe that his wonderful Golden Penis isn't worth fighting for as far as you are concerned. He's trying to lure you back emotionally because that will confirm his value in his own eyes.

Stay strong - you are doing so well. I know it isn't easy, but it will be worth it in the long run.

I'll be honest, if it were me, he wouldn't be in my house at all now. The arrangements for his time with them is his responsibility and the sooner the ball gets rolling on this the better. Him coming to your home is not sustainable. My ex moved an hour's drive away and I stupidly drove my son to see him as he didn't have a car. This got old really quickly so I told him I was going to stop and he kicked off saying I was preventing him from seeing his son. I reminded him that he was the one that moved away and didn't sort transportation out. He'd got comfortable with me doing all the running around. He soon bucked his ideas up and got a car sorted.
He can take them out for park visits and hot chocolates until he gets a suitable place. It's temporary. You need to lead on this point because there will be no reason for him to stop coming to the house until you say so. At some point it will be awkward and inappropriate and I'm sure the OW will have a problem with it soon enough.
Obviously, it's your decision, but I think you must see this as temporary and keep it on your radar to get sorted asap to avoid complications.

Totally agree with Delladon Lordofmyflies don’t let him use your home/sanctuary. Libraries are warm dry places for homework, book reading or playing board games if they are allowed like mine.

The red mist has set in and I am furious.

i have never felt such a level primal rage in my entire life.

we have told the children and their faces crumpled. They are devastated. I can never forgive him for hurting them because of his lack of ability to keep his penis in pants.

fuck him. How dare he do this to my children.

i am so upset that I selected such a shit partner for my boys.

Well done! It's brilliant that you are furious. Time to channel that rage - I don't mean on revenge; set it working for you, making a better future for you and your children.

I've seen a thing called the Kubler Ross change curve. Originally created to describe how people feel when they learn they are dying, it can also describe the process we work through when dealing with any kind of shocking change.

You've had the shock and denial, now you're in angry. Be aware if you're heading into the potential depression phase - it's well known, and doesn't have to happen! But it shows you that climbing back up can.

Excellent news, even so try to hang fire a little if you can, take the time to get your thoughts in order maybe do some writing, what I'm trying to say is try to channel that rage and use it strategically
Rage can be unwieldy and difficult to handle, like molten lava it might be an idea to wait until it cools and solidifies a little?

I selected such a shit partner for my boys

I hear you, but I have come to think that men who make genuinely good partners and/or parents are in the minority, I won't say it's a small minority but less than 50%.
Men go bad too easily, they become very focused on advertising their status to other men wanting to dominate and possess everything they can in order to try and join the ranks of the alphas, 'conquering' as many women as they can is a big part of this.

I try to focus on the fact that my children are physically healthy, their father had good genes, they have strong immune systems etc.
And of course they rarely show their true colours until we are trapped and it's too late so it is very difficult to find a good father for your children ☹️

That must have been really hard OP.

You sound stronger today, and you’ll need that strength to support your boys.

There are probably much better resources available today, but when my ExH left I used to read stories like ‘Mum and Dad Glue’ and ‘it’s not your fault Koko bear’ to the kids.

Don’t beg . Your better than that
admit he’s an arsehole and move on x

My sister has bought these. Thank you

@Chchchchangess

You didn't 'choose' a shit parent for your boys. It's quite possible that he was a 'good' partner/parent or was able to put up the appearance of one in those early days. You chose him because he did appear to be partner/parenting 'material'. That he changed or decided to drop his 'mask' is not your fault.

So don't waste on iota of your anger on being angry at yourself. It's not warranted and it's counterproductive. Channel that anger towards him. By that I mean push that anger deep into your 'belly' until it becomes fuel for your inner fire. Then channel that fire, not for 'revenge', but into actions that translate into a better life for yourself and your boys. Seeing a solicitor to file for divorce (if/when you're ready), arranging temp child access to your satisfaction, 'working the numbers' to decide what you need for maintenance and what you need the financial settlement to be, taking stock of your home and belongings to decide what it precious to you.

Thank you so much. I have rarely felt the fire but today it was there!!!

I'm glad it was there.

Remember that you're still in a state of 'flux'. Your 'head' will change and so will your emotions. So if the 'wobbles' hit you, just remember that that fire is still there, just banked for now. But it can be stoked when you really need it burning.

Good to hear OP - you’ve got this x

I can’t do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes you can

You can.

But it will be a million times harder for you while he’s still in the house.

Get him out today. Bag up his stuff, book him into a cheap hotel, text him the details.

one more hour and you will feel different, one more week and you will be so much stronger, one more month and you will look back and wonder how you managed it, one more year and you will be loving life. Come on do it for your little ones x x x