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Relationships

Fiancé hates my family

406 replies

Dad394 · 24/01/2023 09:26

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

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saraclara · 24/01/2023 09:31

A child free wedding abroad when your three siblings all have children under three, was never a good idea, surely?

Sorry, I'm not helping! But it really was never going to go well.

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AutisticLegoLover · 24/01/2023 09:32

I think your family were always going to be upset if you both excluded half of them by not having children there.
I don't have a solution but this doesn't sound like a happy marriage in the making. A lifetime of family issues is going to put a massive strain on your relationship.

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Karmakamelion · 24/01/2023 09:32

For the love of god. Dump her . the control she is showing is off the scale and not proportional to the argument. It seems thst she is trying to isolate you from your family and this will only get worse.

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Shoxfordian · 24/01/2023 09:33

Whose decision was it to change your plan? It sounds like you should have stuck to Portugal and they could feel their feelings, either come if they wanted or not. Maybe your partner feels you’ve put them and their feelings over hers and that’s why she’s unhappy- I would be too; you need to support her as your future wife.

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AutisticLegoLover · 24/01/2023 09:33

She sounds very controlling and you risk losing your family because this will isolate you.

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Schnooze · 24/01/2023 09:35

Both. Your fiancé needs to back off and forgive but your family also needs to realise they’ve ballsed up, upset your partner and they need to stfu to allow things to begin to heal.

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Fuckstix · 24/01/2023 09:40

People can plan the wedding they want etc but it was asking for some degree of hurt feelings or low attendance to plan a child free wedding abroad when all of your siblings have kids.however. the solution is a party at home and you get married abroad. Your family have apologised for their initial reaction. Yet your fiancee is still holding a grudge. I understand she wanted everyone to be happy with her plans, but unfortunately they weren't practicable for the family. Maybe the didn't handle that with the utmost grace but she is making this into far more and trying to separate you from them entirely by controlling when you speak and what about. This isn't acceptable. I think you need to grip this now. Maybe some counselling so you can talk it through in a controlled way and agree to move on?

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MiaMoor · 24/01/2023 09:41

I understand why some people opt for child free weddings, but when valuable members of the family are excluded you can’t blame them when they turn down the invitation.

Child free weddings when close relatives have children is shitty IMO.

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Honeyroar · 24/01/2023 09:42

It wasn’t the most sensible plan to expect your family to go to a wedding abroad when they’d all have to leave their young kids at home! It was obviously going to upset people!

But your fiancée sounds hard work. Not expecting you to take texts from your parents or for anyone to talk about the wedding? That’s not normal behaviour. Is she hoping she can exclude them from the wedding? Can she not see how stressful and upsetting it is for you? Surely your mental health and the fact that you get on with your family should be more important than a dream for a wedding??

Think very carefully before you get married. This is a preview of how your life will be - imagine family Christmasses, having children and visiting grand parents, big birthday celebrations- they’re all going to be fraught with anxiety. I think you need to talk to your fiancée- tell her how torn you are and say how this is all giving you cold feet. She needs to snap out of the bridezilla mode.

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Butwhytho · 24/01/2023 09:45

Your fiancée sounds like a controlling arse and based on the fact she is getting angry if you even speak to your family (about ‘her’ wedding indeed!!), you’d be making a massive mistake to marry her anyway.
Your family are, on the face it, have done little wrong. Realistically you were a bit naive to think there’d be no fall out from essentially excluding/making it very difficult for three of your siblings and their children, your nieces and nephews. They’ve apologised for their initial reaction and your mum trying to be involved is completely normal.

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PizzaPastaWine · 24/01/2023 09:46

Google 'narcissist' and then make good your escape.

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Dacadactyl · 24/01/2023 09:47

Your wife to be sounds like an ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE and pure bridezilla. Surely this is not the first time she has showed her true colours to you?

I'd be rethinking the relationship in its entirety. A child free wedding (abroad, no less) when you have siblings with kids under 3....ridiculous.

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Lolapusht · 24/01/2023 09:47

From what you’ve written, your wife-to-be sounds waaaaaay too controlling, to the extent you should be reconsidering the relationship. Once you’re married and have children it will only get worse. You are going to be in in this exact position forever. With each new event, the last one will be brought up, again. Birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries….all of them will be a nightmare where you’re put in the position of having to choose sides.

How long have you been together and how much have you changed? Do you change your behaviour in order to avoid arguments/outbursts?

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Ofcourseshecan · 24/01/2023 09:49

Your fiancée sounds hard work. Not expecting you to take texts from your parents or for anyone to talk about the wedding? That’s not normal behaviour. Is she hoping she can exclude them from the wedding? Can she not see how stressful and upsetting it is for you? Surely your mental health and the fact that you get on with your family should be more important than a dream for a wedding??

Think very carefully before you get married. This is a preview of how your life will be

I agree. Wedding preparations can be stressful, but your fiancee’s behaviour goes way beyond what’s reasonable. She’s setting you up for a life of conflict. Even if you obey her demands and cut yourself off from your family, I’m pretty sure she’ll drag you into other disputes.

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gamerchick · 24/01/2023 09:51

Call off the wedding. Seriously. This level of control will only get worse. Tell her that if it's going to be loggerheads with your family for ever then you don't want to get married at all.

It'll never end, ever. I hope you don't have kids yet because your life will suck.

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workbasedquestion · 24/01/2023 09:53

This does not bode well!

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MichelleScarn · 24/01/2023 09:54

Hmm I'm a bit on the fence, both sides have been a bit controlling.
When you say My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier is she making things easier by general chat/happy for you both, or is it 'you need to do this/you need to invite XYZ'.?

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Sugarplumfairy65 · 24/01/2023 09:57

Your family will still be your family after your divorce

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thisusernameisnotavailablepleasetryanother · 24/01/2023 09:58

She is an emotional abuser. I'd not marry someone like her.

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Palmfrond · 24/01/2023 09:59

DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN.


She is trying to come between you and your family. This is toxic in the extreme. We don’t necessarily have to love our in-laws, and often as not there will tensions that come and go over the years, but unless you are yourself estranged from your family, they are your people and made you what you are, and your fiancée should respect that and hopefully appreciate them for it.
Following from that, it’s a cliche but true that you turn into your parents as you age. In some way, not entirely. Who you are when you’re young and finding yourself morphs more fully into what was modelled for you when you were a child. I’m not necessarily talking about political or religious beliefs, just ways of being. And if she doesn’t like the way your parents are now, she’s probably not going to like you when you get to their age.
She sounds really awful tbh, and I suspect she views you as some kind prize that she’s entitled to. Like she wants you to furnish her life.

Good luck, try and see the long term picture, be sensible. Breaking up is hard, but disentangling yourself from a legally binding contract at the same time is a fucking nightmare.

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serenghetti2011 · 24/01/2023 10:00

Why didn’t you just say you wanted a wedding with none of your family - given they can’t and won’t come without their tiny children. You could’ve just gone got married and come back. Such a fuss if it’s your dream surely you knew you’d rather just go yourselves and just done that. saved the upset and had a party when you get home.
bugger flying out babysitters.

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ArcticSkewer · 24/01/2023 10:00

Sugarplumfairy65 · 24/01/2023 09:57

Your family will still be your family after your divorce

Yup .... this ....

Don't worry op, your family will have your back one day when you wake up and realise what a total nightmare your marriage is.

On the offchance that you decide to listen now though .... run ... ditch your fiance, she will ruin your self esteem and the next ten years of your life

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America12 · 24/01/2023 10:00

I wouldn't be getting married to someone if they tried to stop me speaking to my mother about anything

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ValerieDoonican · 24/01/2023 10:01

What a shame that your fiance sets more store by her/your "dream perfect wedding" than the happiness of her future spouse and your relationship as a couple with your family. Do you share her values?

I feel sorry for her and a lot of "bridezillas-to-be" that they set so much store by that one day versus all the other thousands of days that will hopefully be stretching out in front of them as a spouse/daughter-(or son-)in law, etc etc.

Maybe this should be a wake-up call for both of you as a couple, to have a proper heart to heart. What is important to each of you, really, in life? If you have kids , do you want them to be close to their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins? Or close to a photo of their parent's "perfect day" 10 years ago on the mantel?

Its important for your marriage that whatever you choose, you agree about it.

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Deathbyfluffy · 24/01/2023 10:02

Time to dump and run, I'm afraid.
She sounds absolutely unhinged, and it'll only get worse once you're married.

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