Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

Gosh non of you have ever said
‘would you mind just not mentioning this to anyone’
or ‘don’t bring up x issue with my parents’
‘I’d like to just decide on this stuff together, a bit too many people are getting involved’
about anything in your life before? Job decisions? House decisions? Children’s names? I know I have.
the op never used the word forbid i don’t think?, the fiancé has ‘asked’ for the subject to just be left alone for a bit. Which seems sensible if everyone needs to cool down.
And tbf Wanting to know what’s been said could be anything from ‘i demand you tell me every single word’ to ‘oh god what have they said now’

also the op as also asked his mother to stop talking about the wedding. I’d be annoyed if my DH had made a simple request and his mother started calling 3/4 times a week to ignore it.

Hi OP

Your question was, which side is in the right and how do I deal? Assuming that proving that one side were wrong, will justify the other's behaviour. But it doesn't have to work like that - you can look at both sides separately. I think neither side has been perfect. I think your family were a bit pushy, yes. But your fiancee sounds like she will make your life a nightmare if you marry her; please listen to PPs who have explained this. Your family will still be there after you and she have spilt up. For God's sake don't get her pregnant.

Actually it has been SO LUCKY that this has come to a head now, before the wedding. Otherwise it would have been at a child's christening/birthday. Sorry OP but you have been gifted a chance to dodge a bullet.

Where have the family apologised and tried to make it work?
It looks like the DM is still trying to control things and have it how she thinks it should be done with the 3-4 times a week calls about it!

You shouldn't have to be an emotional punching bag for others, either your family or your partner.

I'd hold off on getting married until you've worked through this with some serious therapy. Your partner may not be the right person for you if it "ruins the day" for both of you if you simply receive a text from your family. That said, we're only hearing one perspective here and it's hard to tell who is being most unreasonable.

Only you can learn to set good boundaries with loved ones so you can have them in your life without being their emotional punching bag. Does your workplace offer any free counseling?

@BadNomad oh I have just seen the word ‘allowed’ Tbf
but I still think the fiancé is getting a bit of a hard time of it here

I think if you put on an event where it's strongly expected that close family will attend, it's a dick move to make it very hard for them by planning it abroad and excluding their young children. If I ever host any sort of party, my aim is for my guests to enjoy themselves.

I understand childfree to keep costs down, but this isn't that. I think if having no children there was a priority (something I don't empathise with at all, but it's a personal choice) it should have been in the U.K. I think making a really difficult set of demands, and insisting people spend a load of money on a trip that's more hassle than enjoyable for them, because you have Prince/princess dreams, is childish and self-absorbed.

Their current plan to go abroad and marry without many guests is fine. Except they're basically doing it as a flounce, and the fiancée is so furious she's trying to punish OP and his family by restricting contact between them.

I'm going to two destination weddings this summer, with my two under 4s. It's already going to be a hassle and something we can barely afford, and neither is my ideal holiday destination with small children, but it's the holidays we will have as we can't afford more on top. If my kids weren't invited I'd have had to politely decline. This is friends, though. If my brother did the same thing I'd wonder what the fuck he was thinking. As it happens my brother is also getting married this year, in London. The kids are invited, but if they won't that would at least be manageable.

Let me get the facts straight :

You and fiancé wanted a child free wedding abroad

Your family kicked off because kids couldn't attend (even though fiancée was happy to pay for child care so your family could still attend)

You had to cancel the whole thing which means even fiancées family and friends can't attend the wedding

Your family apologise AFTER it's all been cancelled

You ask them to not talk about the wedding anymore as fiancée is upset at the cancellations

Your mother ignores your request, and still contacts you 3-4 times a week to discuss the wedding she won't be attending, that was cancelled and re-arranged only because of her

Do you really need it to be made anymore clear that you'd family have caused the problem? Only because they made it about their KIDS.

And your mum still won't back off.

You can really spot the fellow little princesses on this thread.

I can understand wanting to keep children to a minimum if lots of your friends have dc, but excluding nieces and nephews is not ok.

I feel for you op, but I also think that your partner is behaving incredibly poorly and it is probably a sign that you need to reconsider the relationship.

You may have a different perspective one day in the future when you have children and are invited to a child free wedding, it's the logistics of what to do with them quite honestly, families come as a package, kids an' all.

Not a lot of help really but can't help wondering why all involved put themselves through all this angst for that one day and invest all their hopes and dreams into it, it's nothing to do with real life, nothing at all!

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this, I'd be thinking quite seriously about postponing the whole wedding to allow more time to think where this relationship is going

This amount of conflict is hard. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this?

I think many people in this situation have the marriage abroad - and then a big family party afterwards - sort of a delayed reception ( family one many bought gifts for the couple and in that case one parent didn't fly out but dog sat for rest of the family and the kids school term time for wedding - joined in at the reception.

I knew another family younger siblings both sides - they did a family holiday and the couple had wedding and went of to another hotel but that was worked out and agreed with both sides of the family and they did all get on.

I think if you do want a child free wedding you do have to accept that not everyone can come - and same for one abroad but while I can see why your family may have been disappointed I don't think they should have put pressure on to change your plans - but also think your Fiancé behavior now is very poor and actually very troubling.

It all sounds a huge mess. You could try sitting them all down and telling them to act like adults - but PP suggestion of going fishing with your mates sound better and maybe postpone wedding plans till things cool down.

Think twice about this marriage, your future wife sounds absolutely horrid !

Your poor fiancée! They ruined the wedding she's dreamed of and now she has to elope and have separate party to appease them. I would be disappointed too. The audacity of your family trying to dictate your wedding, cause a bunch of stress and are now "sorry" once they've got their own way. If they are truly sorry why not go back to the original plan of a child free wedding in Portugal (with childcare provided as planned). I would think about this OP because your fiancee will always remember this.

Let's hope they approve of any future children's names or you might find another tantrum and refusal to visit coming!

literally in the OP:

"She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us."

I don’t understand child free weddings when immediate family have young children.. let alone understand doing this abroad.

what we’re you expecting?

you know this is your wedding too? You can make decision, and/or compromise too?

are you happy? Will you be if this causes a divide between you and your family?

from your mums perspective, her son is getting married. She wants to be involved in one of the most important days of your life.

how much involvement is your wife to be’s mother having? Is she allowed to talk about the wedding?

it all sounds very one sided and I think your caught up in the honeymoon stage of getting married and will eventually tire of her attitude towards your family, or drive you away from them in the future.

Your fiance is a walking row of red flags. The fact her family agrees with her doesn't change anything, unreasonable people come from unreasonable families. Substitute unreasonable for deluded, self-centered or any other word of your choosing. Likewise caring, generous people tend to come from caring, generous families.

She is being massively controlling, and while your family may not have handled things well, I'd have been devastated if I was told I effectively couldn't see my sibling or son get married (and don't get me started on the 'other family member to babysit', a lot of very young children won't settle for anyone else, and once they're 4+ they're going to be gutted not to be involved in their uncle's wedding, that's a big, exciting thing for a lot of children).

And as if the row of red flags waving like bunting wasn't enough, the huge big pennant flag in the middle is this fixation on the 'perfect wedding'. The wedding is one day, the marriage is the bit that matters. My perfect wedding was abroad, what we did was local because my husband's grandparents weren't well enough to travel, and it mattered to him that they were there. There wasn't an arguement over it! Certainly not ongoing fallout. I was marrying the man I loved, making him happy mattered a heck of a lot more than a plan in my head. He planned an amazing honeymoon in return.

This situation is ridiculous, and this is going to be the rest of your life. Do not kid yourself it will end with the wedding. Are kids on the table? You can bet anything she won't want them to see your side of the family. You may have been together a very long time, but you don't sound remotely well suited at this point in your life. Ask yourself if the person she is today is going to make you happy in the future.

Your fiancée sounds controlling. Even if your family have messed up she shouldn't try to.police or interfere as much as she is.with how you interact with them. I think it will only get worse. No wedding is so.importwnt that you cut loose someone's loved ones over it.

Child-free weddings are absolutely your choice.

Weddings abroad are absolutely your choice.

Child-free weddings abroad are absolutely your choice.

However, you have to accept people can’t come or won’t come.

But announcing a child-free wedding abroad when your siblings have many young children between them was never going to be plain sailing. It might not excuse the behaviour of your family, but surely you saw it coming?

So you were paying for everyone including your siblings kids and in laws to go on holiday on the basis that your siblings came to your wedding and the kids stayed by the pool with their other grandparents?

That doesn't sound too bad. If that's what you were offering.

It sounds like it's all got too out of control though. It sounds like your family has backed down and are trying to make amends but your fiance is unable to move on. I don't see how this marriage can succeed if she doesn't want you to ever speak to your family. She's being really cruel to put you in that position.

I’d end the relationship to be honest - sad and disappointing as the original wedding debate was, trying to control your interactions with your family and being angry if you talk to them is not normal.

It really looks like the wedding planning has brought a lot of underlying stresses and tensions in the whole family relationship.

Im not going to talk about rights and wrongs as I can understand both sides. A bride has a right to plan her wedding, but there may be very good reasons why your family cannot accept your kind offer of child care. Not many mothers would be able to relax and enjoy a day, leaving young children with people they may not know.

I would say that when you marry, especially if you have children, a good and happy relationship with the parents on both sides is crucial. Sometimes you need to compromise, and sometimes parents need to stop interfering.

Either way, unless you can get everyone to calm down and act like grown ups I can see a lot of unhappiness in future.

You really can!

@Dad394 You are with an horrendously controlling woman.
The fact your potential wife is creating such a huge fuss over a wedding does not bode well.
Weddings are nothing.
It’s the commitment to compromise and be fair with both parties that matters.
Marry this woman, you are going to be divorcing within a few short years-

Expensive and painful.
Save yourself the anguish.
Don’t marry someone like this.
If you were a woman talking about a potential husband being like this, people would say RUN.

This person is selfish and vindictive because she wants a child free wedding?