Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

still no clue why pp are calling the fiancé unhinged

Because of how she is behaving now. Getting angry at him when he talks to his family. Forbidding him from talking to his family about their wedding. Forbidding his mother from talking to her son about his wedding. Wanting to know everything that is said in conversations with them. This is the "unhinged" behaviour.

Oh my days. So your family said they wouldn't be able to attend your wedding abroad because of their very young children, then when you and fiancee were upset they apologised and said they'd find a way to make it work, but you two said NO, IT'S RUINED NOW, WE'RE CANCELLING IT. And now your family are STILL trying to build bridges but your partner is still trying to punish and exclude them.
Seriously. Your family are not the bad guys here. They seem to be trying quite hard to celebrate you and make things right. I agree that you need to give your head a bit of a wobble and take a proper look at your fiancee's behaviour.

Oh no your fiancé is going to be a nightmare, no way would I go through with this wedding, sorry!

I would bet my house if her family had known D's it wouldn't have been a child free wedding. I'm with your family on this, hers are definitely unhinged.

Kids!

Where has the OP said they wouldn't cover their expenses?

Oh for God's sake, all this 'dream wedding' bullshit. You are meant to be getting married to each other, it's much more about how you are going to rub along in life than one sodding floating down the Portugese beach looking like a princess day!
I'm not sure how having your nieces and nephews there would have 'ruined' things. Your family are not unreasonable for pointing out how hard it would be for them not to bring their kids. Perhaps they weren't comfortable leaving their children with some yet unfound random family member for the day. Perhaps the family member would have been cheesed off to be left out of the wedding but flown over for babysitting duties?!
It was never going to work. And I want to warn you now that your marriage is not going to work. Your fiance is being unreasonable and very controlling. If you were the woman we'd be telling you to run for the hills. So run.

Narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days, but trying to isolate a partner from their family is a classic narcissist abuser technique

This all sounds crazy to me. Of course family wouldn't want to leave their small children to go abroad. This doesn't bode well for the future if you have this much strife at this point. What happens when you face challenges as a couple over the years?

You both seem to assume that other people think that your wedding is important. It isn’t and this amount of drama isn’t normal. All other people are thinking about is the cost and the inconvenience.

Your fiancée is abusive and controlling. If she actually loved you she wouldn’t want to ruin your relationship with your family.

You won’t leave her though will you? And you’ll deeply regret it in a few years time, especially if you have children.

Same. I’d be walking away

Well, they’ve been together 15 years.

I guess it depends how the relationship was before.

’Everything’s ruined’ does sound a little childish. A bit more understandable if the first words she heard from the in laws were not going, stupid, etc

Do you have children? Will they be going to the wedding ?

Wow a lot to unpick.

FWIW I think child-free weddings have their place, but a child-free destination wedding, when all your siblings have children under 3, was always going to cause conflict as it essentially means they can't go.

I can understand why your mum would've picked you up on this, but now you've changed the venue I don't understand why she's calling 3-4 times a week to discuss the wedding.

The fact your fiancée now hates your family, and hates you speaking to your family, is a relationship deal breaker IMO. You can't expect things to ever go back to the way they were before this happened, and you'll find yourself having to make a choice between your family and your fiancée going forward. That will not make for a happy life, provided you have no other reason to distance yourself from them.

At the very least I you need to call off the wedding.

Hi OP, a wedding and marriage is only about the 2 people involved. For everyone else it's a bonus that they're invited and frankly need to support you and her in whatever you plan. Your family seem very difficult to me - do they realise you're a grown ass man who is allowed to choose HOW he gets married and it's only about what you and your future wife want? They don't have to attend the wedding in Portugal. And why is your mother in regular contact trying to be involved?? Is she paying for it? If they are it's a different story - but if they aren't, they need to back off. This is not about them.

Your wife is probably feeling ganged up on by your family, and like your mother is trying to dictate the terms of HER wedding. Reassure her this is not the case, then arrange a meeting between her and your mum to clear the air. Your mum can be the bigger person here and send an olive branch as I'm sure she too would have her back up if her MIL had caused this drama.

Most importantly they BOTH need to find a resolution for your sake. If they both love you, they need to accept what's happened and move on. You can love your family but they must accept she's your new family now - the person who'll be there for you in sickness and health etc. Your family won't be sharing finances with you, looking after a house with you, holding you at night after a tough day, raising kids with you, planning retirement with you, holding your hand when you're old and sick.

My DP and I are eloping to avoid all this drama with family. I would suggest you do the same, then have a big party in the UK for family.

What’s amusing is the folks on here stating that the fiancé didn’t consider his side of the family when they both actually decided what they wanted for their wedding. Both decided not they wanted it child free so OP needs to own that decision too. His family have made the wedding about themselves and his fiancée has a right to be upset at their wedding having to change.

His family need to back off and stop talking about a wedding they won’t be attending

Sorry I missed the part where they apologized and said they would try to make it work

Did they mean the destination ?

If yes, and the reaction was no everything’s ruined now anyway….

But they didn’t say it had to be the in-laws
it could be siblings, in laws, a friend surely? And if no one wants to then you appreciate the kind offer but politely decline the invitation. I still don’t see the issue.

i also don’t understand how someone wanting their wedding day to be how they want is as silly and frivolous as a spoilt teenagers sweet 16. And yet the day is also important enough that they must to make it work for you because you must be there. Surely it’s one or the other.
or it’s not silly if they do it in a way you deem appropriate and that suits you?

From what you say, I'm leaning towards your fiancée being the unreasonable one here. "She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me" - if that's actually what she said, that is a level of control and 'entitlement' (though I hate that word) that would alarm me.
I would be really really wary of marrying this person.

If you were my sibling it wouldn't matter what 'solution' you offered for my children to not attend your wedding, I simply wouldn't go. Neither would my mother. No tantrums, no drama just a polite decline.

You don't get to reject your siblings children in favour of your ideal wedding and have zero consequence.

Frankly you and your future spouse made a mis-step, irrespective of what her family think. That your future spouse is behaving like a brat over it doesn't bode well for your future together, she obviously wants to be able to call all the shots when it comes to your behaviour and your family aren't important at all in that.

You have a decision to make about whether you want to continue a relationship with the family you grew up with or with the person you fell in love with who wants to control you. It doesn't appear as though you can have both.

So your family said they wouldn't be able to attend your wedding abroad because of their very young children, then when you and fiancee were upset they apologised and said they'd find a way to make it work, but you two said NO, IT'S RUINED NOW, WE'RE CANCELLING IT. And now your family are STILL trying to build bridges but your partner is still trying to punish and exclude them.

Concisely put. OP's family realised they're overreacted, apologised, tried to put things right, said they'd make it work.
And this is where the fiancee's batshittery begins.
She could still have had her dream wedding. OP's family apologised and capitulated. So why on earth did the whole thing get rearranged? Why did she cut of her nose to spite her face?

Your wedding may have been your dream, but it wasn't your family's dream. Maybe they felt hurt or excluded or worried baout their children> You all ned to sit down and be able to tlak clamly nad honestl;y about how you feekl if you are going to respolve this.

Your finace is being so unreasonable and controlling, though, that it really doesn't bode well for your marriage. It will be so awkward if this carries on. if you have been togetehr for 15 years, how did your fainace used to get on with your family? Were they friendly beforfe how can things have changed so much?

Your fiancé sounds a bit like a diva, telling your family who should and shouldn't come to the wedding, excluding children etc... is over the top. This behaviour is reflecting who she is and going to lead to ongoing issues throughout the relationship. This is not a good beginning. Children should be welcomed in weddings because they are an important part of the family. I wish you good luck with this marriage because sounds like you may need it.

WTF, sorry about the typos. I changed them all before I posted, so I have no idea what happened.

Your wedding may have been your dream, but it wasn't your family's dream. Maybe they felt hurt or excluded or worried about their children. You all need to sit down and be able to talk calmly and honestly about how you feel if you are going to resolve this.

Your fiancee is being so unreasonable and controlling, though, that it really doesn't bode well for your marriage. It will be so awkward if this carries on. If you have been together for 15 years, how did she used to get on with your family? Were they friendly before? If so, why have things changed so much just over your wedding plans?

What about your own child/children? Are you not including them?