Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

[PeekAtYou]

If things are this bad now, they are just going to get worse after your marriage as life gets inevitably more complicated with children in the mix. For example, I predict that Christmases will become a flashpoint every year when you want to spend time with your side but your wife can't even hear their names without getting moody.

The child free wedding with so many under 3s in the family was always going to go down like a lead balloon. Didn't you predict the reaction of your family ? Are there under 3s on her side of the family because based on your description of your wife to be she's already trying to sideline your side. I bet that if you think carefully then you will realise that there are other red flags.

I'm not saying that your wife is the only one to blame because only you know how interfering your family is. Another frequent clash on here is pregnancy and childbirth with MILs being seen as overbearing when they try to give advice or set up a nursery in their homes because they assume that they will have overnights etc It sounds intense if they want to discuss the party every time they call. It shouldn't be a taboo subject as your wife suggests but are you a man who shares everything with his mum as if her opinion matters as much as what you and your wife to be has decided ? I would find it annoying and very tedious if my fiancé needed his mum's approval for decisions that should be made by him. Again, I don't know you or your mum so could be wide off the mark here.

[PuppaDontPreach]

I think this is what people on Reddit call an ESH situation (Everyone Sucks Here).

• Planning a child-free wedding abroad was a bit bonkers and I can see why your family were upset.
• Changing it all to please your family was also a bit bonkers and I can see why your girlfriend is upset.
• Your girlfriend's fury is disproportionate and she seems to want to separate you from your family.
• Your mum calling 3-4 times a week is massively over-involved and your girlfriend is not unreasonable to be bothered by it.

It just goes on and on. I'd bin the lot and go fishing with your mates or something instead.

[PuppaDontPreach]

*3-4 times a week about the wedding, I mean.

[Usergjdksndjsn]

@ExtraJalapenos

Do you have ANY idea how expensive it is to sort childcare abroad at a wedding? I had am invite to a destination wedding last year, 4k in total then was asked to sort my own childcare or just fly in a nanny...whilst everyone's cost of living has doubled.

Look at the bigger picture here.

Didn’t Op and fiancé say they would pay and arrange childcare, and pay for additional family members to join the holiday for that reason?

also if they hadn’t offered, then that’s fine too imo
your child isn’t someone else’s priority
if my sibling was getting married abroad I’d have a lovely family holiday and then DH could miss the few hours of the wedding and watch the kids. Or we don’t go at all, because we can’t afford to. And I explain that nicely and politely to my sibling and still wish them a lovely time and hope to celebrate with them after. I don’t expect anyone to change their dream wedding for me.

[Godlovesall26]

How long ago did this happen ?

If it was recent maybe she needs a little time to cool off, which doesn’t include lengthy conversations with her mil who threatened not to come ?

Sounds like your family threw a bit of a strop vs a regular calm explanation ? And she’s being unreasonable too with her perfect day and what not, but maybe it’s communication, maybe she feels like they don’t really care about her.

Maybe give it ago at small communications between them, instead of being in the middle ? If this happened a while ago, it’s high time for you to evaluate ! If it was recent, I’d be more enclined to see your fiancée’s side.

[Inkpotlover]

@Usergjdksndjsn

Didn’t Op and fiancé say they would pay and arrange childcare, and pay for additional family members to join the holiday for that reason?

also if they hadn’t offered, then that’s fine too imo
your child isn’t someone else’s priority
if my sibling was getting married abroad I’d have a lovely family holiday and then DH could miss the few hours of the wedding and watch the kids. Or we don’t go at all, because we can’t afford to. And I explain that nicely and politely to my sibling and still wish them a lovely time and hope to celebrate with them after. I don’t expect anyone to change their dream wedding for me.

They did - they offered for other family members (presumably in-laws of their siblings' partners) to fly out and look after the children for the six hours the wedding was on and the family STILL said no and bullied them into cancelling their big day abroad. I honestly don't blame the fiancee for being peeved.

[Mari9999]

Think twice about the kind of life you are going to have with a spouse who demands that you report the exact conversation that you have or had with anyone.

That demonstrates a level of insecurity and a need for control that may prove to be very difficult over time.

In the excitement about the upcoming wedding you are probably going to ignore these signs, but the day will come when you realize exactly what you are stepping into .

Ironically, it will probably be your family to whom you will turn at that time.

[Godlovesall26]

@PuppaDontPreach

I think this is what people on Reddit call an ESH situation (Everyone Sucks Here).

• Planning a child-free wedding abroad was a bit bonkers and I can see why your family were upset.
• Changing it all to please your family was also a bit bonkers and I can see why your girlfriend is upset.
• Your girlfriend's fury is disproportionate and she seems to want to separate you from your family.
• Your mum calling 3-4 times a week is massively over-involved and your girlfriend is not unreasonable to be bothered by it.

It just goes on and on. I'd bin the lot and go fishing with your mates or something instead.

Yes I agree with this.

I wonder also how much of the conversation actually included the fiancée though, or if it was all done via her partner ?

OP I’d take a step back and leave them to interact a little, only way to see a little how it goes

[Holly60]

She is massively controlling. I'd call the wedding off - she sounds unhinged.

I think you can use this as an excuse ans have a lucky escape.

Don't let her alienate your family- it's what she wants

[mightymam]

Your Fiancé seems like the issue here to me. Have a rethink about whether she is the right person for you or not...

[Inkpotlover]

@Dacadactyl

Not all of us would be OK with randoms looking after our preschool aged kids in a foreign country.

Not randoms – the OP says they offered to fly out family members, presumably the siblings' in-laws, to look after the kids for six hours. That would've been a huge expense but that's what they were prepared to do.

[2chocolateoranges]

A destination wedding with a ban on kids was always going to cause drama when you have nieces and nephews. Tbh it’s pretty unrealistic and I can see why your family were upset.

however your fiancées attitude sounds controlling and some what abusive, if you talk to your family it ruins the whole day! That’s ridiculous behaviour from an adult.

id be rethinking my future.

[Inkpotlover]

Honestly, the way people are calling the fiancee unhinged is awful. If this was reversed and she was on here as the bride-to-be saying her dream wedding has been ruined because her future MIL threw her toys out of the pram I guarantee most posters would be on her side. Likewise if she also said that since getting her way, future MIL has been calling the groom three or four times a week to stir her oar in over the wedding party they're now having in the UK, but her DP won't tell her what his mum is saying or trying to sabotage and she's really angry at his family now. People would be telling her she's right to feel angry.

[Dacadactyl]

@Inkpotlover

Not randoms – the OP says they offered to fly out family members, presumably the siblings' in-laws, to look after the kids for six hours. That would've been a huge expense but that's what they were prepared to do.

Oh come on, as if! First off, it assumes that people are willing to give up their time to fly out to do childcare. Secondly, my in laws wouldn't accept this from a couple just starting married life. It's expensive and avoidable.

[Dad394]

Bit more context *

We are 31 and have been together since we was 15.

We offered to pay for other family members to come out to the wedding to look after the kids, it seemed they was just unhappy with kids not being involved with the day.

Her side of the family have no kids at all and all agree my family was out of line with how they acted which adds fuel to the fire :)

[Inkpotlover]

STICK her oar in, not stir it! 😂

[Godlovesall26]

@Inkpotlover

Not randoms – the OP says they offered to fly out family members, presumably the siblings' in-laws, to look after the kids for six hours. That would've been a huge expense but that's what they were prepared to do.

Yes, tbf on her side it sounds like she tried everything to meet their needs.

And it depends on how the answer was communicated, how all these négociations were managed : if sounds like a lot of arguing vs calm options available. And was OP involved in the actual conversations or just hearing from her partner they said no, again and again.

If this happened ages ago, it should have smoothed down a bit though… but neither side sounds great at communicating with each other

[Dacadactyl]

@Dad394

Bit more context *

We are 31 and have been together since we was 15.

We offered to pay for other family members to come out to the wedding to look after the kids, it seemed they was just unhappy with kids not being involved with the day.

Her side of the family have no kids at all and all agree my family was out of line with how they acted which adds fuel to the fire :)

So she's not considering your side of the family.

I bet my last dollar that if she had a little niece, she'd be front and centre as a flower girl for the photos.

[BadNomad]

@Dad394

Bit more context *

We are 31 and have been together since we was 15.

We offered to pay for other family members to come out to the wedding to look after the kids, it seemed they was just unhappy with kids not being involved with the day.

Her side of the family have no kids at all and all agree my family was out of line with how they acted which adds fuel to the fire :)

Which family members? Had you asked them if they were available to be babysitters abroad?

[Rowen32]

@Dad394

Bit more context *

We are 31 and have been together since we was 15.

We offered to pay for other family members to come out to the wedding to look after the kids, it seemed they was just unhappy with kids not being involved with the day.

Her side of the family have no kids at all and all agree my family was out of line with how they acted which adds fuel to the fire :)

I'm going against the grain, OP, your family was massively in the wrong here. Nothing wrong with wanting a child free wedding and you offered the perfect solution to childcare which was more than enough.
Your fiance is right, her wonderful once in a lifetime dream is now in shatters.
You need to revert to plan A and stick to it.
Your family, your mother in particular are treating you like s**t, she can't even respect a simple boundary not to talk about the wedding.

[HiddenGiraffes]

@Dad394

Bit more context *

We are 31 and have been together since we was 15.

We offered to pay for other family members to come out to the wedding to look after the kids, it seemed they was just unhappy with kids not being involved with the day.

Her side of the family have no kids at all and all agree my family was out of line with how they acted which adds fuel to the fire :)

Why is it important to upon that you/her/both of you that your nieces and nephews don't attend your wedding?

[Inkpotlover]

@Dacadactyl

Oh come on, as if! First off, it assumes that people are willing to give up their time to fly out to do childcare. Secondly, my in laws wouldn't accept this from a couple just starting married life. It's expensive and avoidable.

Regardless to what your in-laws would, it was a decent and generous solution put forward by the bride and groom. Now they've been bullied out of having their dream wedding.

[Inkpotlover]

@Rowen32

I'm going against the grain, OP, your family was massively in the wrong here. Nothing wrong with wanting a child free wedding and you offered the perfect solution to childcare which was more than enough.
Your fiance is right, her wonderful once in a lifetime dream is now in shatters.
You need to revert to plan A and stick to it.
Your family, your mother in particular are treating you like s**t, she can't even respect a simple boundary not to talk about the wedding.

Totally agree with this.

[flowersinmyhair15]

To be honest it think you both ruined your "special day"

If you honestly think your family is going to pay to go abroad without their children just to watch you get married, then youre crazy.

I understand child free weddings in your home town and all that but you can't go around crying because your family has said no to attending an ABROAD wedding without their own children & saying THEY have ruined the day, when they haven't - that's on another level.

I think your marriage would probably end up in divorce after a year or 2 and it would have been a waste of time in the first place and you'd have lost your family and your wife.

I also think she is more worried about the wedding she wants rather than your feelings and how this will affect you and your family relationship. I really don't think she give two shits about you and it sounds like she has never liked your family since day 1 she just never had a reason to bring it up.
Cause if she did like them, then she'd be a hell of a lot more understanding.


Just call it off and tell your wife to be - bye bye 👋

[CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark]

@Rowen32 I agree.

weddings are stressful. Your family pulled rank and got their way.

I would be pissed too considering you did give options of childcare.

it sounds like you need to postpone wedding for things to settle down to find out what you want to do.

If I was your fiancé I wouldn’t want your parents near the party either.

but hey I’m a woman and have emotions. Very unmumsnetty