Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

No it doesn't, any more than having a child free hens night means you don't care about your siblings attending, or any other 18+ event. Unless these parents take their child to every single place/function that under 18s aren't welcome and never have to attend to adult matters such as job interviews, meeting with bank manager etc, I'm sure if it meant that much to them to attend, they'd find a sitter. They'd find a way.

And if the bride and groom thought anything of their siblings and nieces and nephews for that matter, they wouldn’t exclude them from their wedding! I mean who the hell excludes their siblings’ babies from their wedding, I cannot even fathom the mentality of not wanting them there, to not want them in their memories and photographs of the day. I can’t comprehend it.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

Well you are being naive then

If OP and his fiance don't care about their siblings or their DC they should just do what the hell they like. Go abroad, do whatever they like.

Having a child free destination wedding and expecting that this will not impact massively on their siblings who have young DC is downright ridiculous

I think the siblings should have just declined. I don't think MIL should have kicked off. Then OP and his fiance could have decided whether to edit their wedding plans if they really wanted close family to attend.

By the sounds of it, there is a massive back story here and the wedding preparations are just the straw that broke the camels back.

You can't fathom why the bride and groom don't want children at an 18+ event??? Babies scream and cry (as an earlier post on this thread attests to the bride and groom being drowned out), toddlers run around. It's an adults only event. Not for children. What is it about that, that you can't understand? If the relatives loved and respected the bride and groom, they would know that weddings aren't appropriate for children and the b&g want a stressfree adults only wedding. It's normal. Some places you can't take kids to. That's the way grown up life works.

Saying that a child free wedding is child free, is not being naive. I think you're naive about how inappropriate (and painful and boring to the poor child dragged there) it is to drag children to an adults only function. I do agree that expecting relatives to attend a destination wedding without any childcare arranged is wrong.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

Weddings are appropriate for children. It's just a party

Weddings aren't and never have just been adult only events🙄

Can you not read? Because I am sure I said that I cannot fathom why a bride and groom would not want their close relatives, including baby nieces and nephews at their wedding.

No, it's not just a 'party'. It's the vows, the risque speeches, dancing, waiters carrying trays of food, etc. It's an adults event.

Yes, and? I replied. Apart from nieces and nephews being distant relatives, not close, it's an ADULTS ONLY event. It's a wedding. It's not for children. What is it that you are having difficulty understanding this? Do you understand what Adults Only means?

I love my nieces and nephews (though not as much as close relatives, ie sister and brother and my own children) but that doesn't mean I want them at a wedding. Same as I wouldn't want to take them with me to a meeting with the bank manager, or to a job interview. Not everything is appropriate for children. Weddings are not appropriate for children imo and in the opinions of a lot of people.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

I think you are naive in thinking that by choosing a child free destination wedding wouldn't affect the relationships you have with your siblings with young DC and your parents

I am commenting on weddings in general. Not destination weddings.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

Do you think children don't know how to sit down and do as they're told or something. For a start OP has already said they're under 3yo. They'll most likely sit in a high chair at the dinner table to be able to eat. So no running around "waiters and trays" if they're having a sit down meal.

A wedding is a damn party. The vows are a very small amount of time in the day compared to the rest of the day which is... a party, a celebration...

The whole damn point of the post is saying that the parents of the children who are not invited have said they will not be attending, but they have been the ones to ruin the wedding... how's that possible?

So you want a child free wedding, great that's your choice, but you also have to ACCEPT the response of NO we will not be attending your wedding if our children are not welcome, without putting the blame on them for "ruining the wedding" because they're not going to be there.

Some people see weddings as family events. Nieces and nephews are family. Having a completely child-free wedding excludes family. Which is fine if you think weddings are adults-only events. So if it's not important for family to be there, you shouldn't be bothered if your siblings or mother don't go.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

This thread is all about a child free destination wedding - not weddings in general.

I hate DC at weddings, I had a child free one myself, however, I did invite my young niece as she is close family

This is probably your only experience of a relationship, run far away! Imagine what she will be like when you have kids.

Are you so inexperienced with children that you don't realise under 3's get RESTLESS, scream and cry, and bored? Do you have any experience with children at all? Because it seems like you have never met a child in your life, and are very naive.

The vows are the MAIN PART, and the ENTIRE PURPOSE of the day. A wedding is a solemn event. Not a 'party'. You seem to have absolutely no respect for the meaning of what a wedding is, if you think it is a 'party'.

His MOTHER said she won't go, if you had bothered to read the OP. Her children are grown up. She is only being spiteful, AND won't stop sticking her beak in it. That, is why/how she ruined it.

we will not be attending your wedding if our children are not welcome

So you'd never go to a Christmas work do, or a hens do, or a job interview or anywhere else that children are, naturally, 'not welcome'? If so that is very immature and spiteful. There are some places children are not welcome, for very good reason. Get used to it. Oh, and maybe stop making kids miserable and dragging them to places they don't wish to be. Try thinking like a child, and think of what they want. I can promise you most children would rather go to school on a saturday than go to some wedding they are bored shitless at.

If your mother who has no young children doesn't go, she is showing exactly how spiteful she is. Having child free weddings does not 'exclude family' any more than a job interview excludes your offspring that you will be using the money to raise them. Or a prom, or a graduation function. Of course it's important for adult family to be there.

Yes I realise that but some posters are commenting on the very essence of child free weddings.

Forgot, if you invited your niece (who is a distant relative, and not closely related ie sister/brother/your own children), then it was not a child free wedding.

My children are all under 3 thank you so I have plenty of experience and they love being around family and they know how to behave in a church, and at other events.

Why would I take them to a WORK party? My partner wouldn't even be invited to a work party... which are extremely different to a wedding, so is a 1 hour job interview & a hen do isn't a wedding but why would both parent of said children be invited to a hen do? They wouldn't... so the point you are trying to make is completely irrelevant.

Weddings are for family and friends...

I'm sorry but his mum isn't the issue here. She's probably said no as it's expensive to have to go abroad for a wedding - she doesn't want to travel if half he family aren't going to be there. She has a right to say no as well - as from what I've taken from the post she's just trying to feel helpful and involved in making their home wedding party a blast and that's not a bad thing.

His fiancé sounds like a psycho...

Very well spelled out.

Job interviews, proms, whatever, are not organised by you. Your wedding is not something out of your control. A child free wedding is a choice. You choose to include or exclude certain family members. Your niece/nephew is the same "distance" of a relative as your aunt or uncle.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1
TBH if I could have got away with not inviting my niece, I wouldn't have invited her..................... HOWEVER...............

This would have:
*massively pissed off my BIL & SIL
*made it very difficult for them to attend
*set completely the wrong tone of how I wanted to join my DH's family.

Do you see that by me inviting 1 DN to our 'child free' wedding, it has made my life with my in laws so much simpler and better thereafter?

If I had invited all my friends' DC there would have been 20 DC there - meaning 20 of my close friends would not have been invited

@Dad394

Just wondering how you are and how everything is going?