Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

[Godlovesall26]

@Dad394

Bit more context *

We are 31 and have been together since we was 15.

We offered to pay for other family members to come out to the wedding to look after the kids, it seemed they was just unhappy with kids not being involved with the day.

Her side of the family have no kids at all and all agree my family was out of line with how they acted which adds fuel to the fire :)

How do you feel about it all OP ?

And how long ago did this happen ?

Maybe set up a WhatsApp including your mum and fiancée, with a couple of the calmer family family members on each side (hopefully positive people!), and try to get them to sort it out like adults between themselves a little ? This isn’t unsolvable, you just need to search out the positive/calm ones that can balance it out a little.

Seconding that fishing holiday ! Where your phone only has really bad signal ! You don’t want to set yourself up as a life of communicator !

[Inkpotlover]

@Dacadactyl

So she's not considering your side of the family.

I bet my last dollar that if she had a little niece, she'd be front and centre as a flower girl for the photos.

So what if she did? It's HER wedding, she can do what she wants. Except she's not now, because her DP's family behaved like spoiled brats.

[ChangedmynameagainforChristmas]

@Dad394

You are both being precious and I think you know it. You are just going along with what she wants because you are afraid of her mate

[GoldDuster]

If you want a sneak peak into what the rest of your marriage will be like, you've got one.

Postpone it indefinitely, tell them all that you're over it because they can't behave themselves, and have a good long hard think about whether you want to enter into a legal binding contract with someone who makes your life so difficult.

[MistletoeandBaileys]

There is two sides to this. Your fiancé should not be policing your relationship with your family. That isn’t her place and it’s extremely controlling. That needs to be spoken about and maybe a counsellor could help you both unpack that?

On the other hand you are entitled to a child free wedding. If you wanted to get married in Gretna Green dressed as Shrek it’s no one’s business. I’m of the opinion that a wedding is for the two getting married and not for the extended family.

Was your fiancé and your families relationship normal before this? In that they got on ok? Because if it was and then this whole thing cause a fall out I can see why she’s so angry. To her you have let your family railroad you and her into the wedding they want and not the one you wanted all along.

And then for your mother to stay pushing it over the party is so disrespectful towards you and your fiancé too. Your family has really damaged the relationship between your fiancé and them.

Plenty of people get married abroad and have a small gathering when they come back for family who couldn’t attend. But the day should have been about you and her getting married and the whole thing has been railroaded by your families wants.

I have a feeling from your Fiancés perspective you are putting your families needs and wants ahead of hers and yours. When you get married you become the nuclear family and everyone else becomes extended.

Again if your fiancé has always been controlling and almost supervising you then marriage may not be the way forward. But if this has only happened since the whole wedding debacle you need to have a serious conversation with her and then your family separately. Because you have a long road ahead of you if you think this is going to be swept under the carpet.

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This will not be a happy marriage.

[HiddenGiraffes]

@Inkpotlover

So what if she did? It's HER wedding, she can do what she wants. Except she's not now, because her DP's family behaved like spoiled brats.

Well it's both of their weddings, isn't it? And if her feeling is less "no children at any costs" than "I don't want YOUR family kids there, mine would be different" that says a lot.

[CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark]

Unless fiancée is like this the whole time. I don’t think it’s fair to suggest leaving her.
weddings magnify emotions.

it’s like the saying “I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry” 😂

[HiddenGiraffes]

@MistletoeandBaileys

There is two sides to this. Your fiancé should not be policing your relationship with your family. That isn’t her place and it’s extremely controlling. That needs to be spoken about and maybe a counsellor could help you both unpack that?

On the other hand you are entitled to a child free wedding. If you wanted to get married in Gretna Green dressed as Shrek it’s no one’s business. I’m of the opinion that a wedding is for the two getting married and not for the extended family.

Was your fiancé and your families relationship normal before this? In that they got on ok? Because if it was and then this whole thing cause a fall out I can see why she’s so angry. To her you have let your family railroad you and her into the wedding they want and not the one you wanted all along.

And then for your mother to stay pushing it over the party is so disrespectful towards you and your fiancé too. Your family has really damaged the relationship between your fiancé and them.

Plenty of people get married abroad and have a small gathering when they come back for family who couldn’t attend. But the day should have been about you and her getting married and the whole thing has been railroaded by your families wants.

I have a feeling from your Fiancés perspective you are putting your families needs and wants ahead of hers and yours. When you get married you become the nuclear family and everyone else becomes extended.

Again if your fiancé has always been controlling and almost supervising you then marriage may not be the way forward. But if this has only happened since the whole wedding debacle you need to have a serious conversation with her and then your family separately. Because you have a long road ahead of you if you think this is going to be swept under the carpet.

You're entitled to the wedding you want, but you can't be surprised when close family are unhappy you make choices that seem to exclude/make life very hard for them specifically.

I don't buy that offering to fly the other in-laws out makes it all ok, either. Who even knows if they want to travel to your chosen wedding destination to be babysitters?

[Dacadactyl]

@Inkpotlover

So what if she did? It's HER wedding, she can do what she wants. Except she's not now, because her DP's family behaved like spoiled brats.

No actually, it's not HER wedding, it's THEIR wedding.

Trying to bully your husbands side of the family out of your wedding, or leave them out, is a recipe for disaster.

OP, how do you see your married life panning out? Do you want your family involved in your life? If you have kids in the future, will they be able to have a relationship with your side of the family, or will this friction between your wife and them be an ongoing source of stress and conflict for you?

Tread carefully.

[Inkpotlover]

@HiddenGiraffes

You're entitled to the wedding you want, but you can't be surprised when close family are unhappy you make choices that seem to exclude/make life very hard for them specifically.

I don't buy that offering to fly the other in-laws out makes it all ok, either. Who even knows if they want to travel to your chosen wedding destination to be babysitters?

They can be unhappy and not go. Instead, this lot caused so much upset the OP and his fiancee are ending up having a wedding they don't want to keep the peace.

[Lollypop701]

It’s easy for her family to say a child free wedding is best idea when they have no children tbh. Your offer for childcare was lovely.

Maybe do the Portugal wedding as you want, and have a blessing and party at home the week after with full dress etc for those who can’t/won’t make it.

[Inkpotlover]

@Dacadactyl

No actually, it's not HER wedding, it's THEIR wedding.

Trying to bully your husbands side of the family out of your wedding, or leave them out, is a recipe for disaster.

OP, how do you see your married life panning out? Do you want your family involved in your life? If you have kids in the future, will they be able to have a relationship with your side of the family, or will this friction between your wife and them be an ongoing source of stress and conflict for you?

Tread carefully.

You're right, it's both their wedding. But how is her – and her groom, he says in the OP it was his dream too – saying she wants a child-free wedding bullying his family out of it?

[ConfusedNT]

Your partner appears to have forgotten that the point of getting married is the marriage not the wedding

[Beamur]

Such drama.
Both families putting their oar in.
I think that you should postpone your wedding for now and let it all calm down.
Everyone is being unreasonable.
You and your gf need to have a conversation around how much you involve both of your families in your lives and how you move on from this in a mature way.
I genuinely think if she can't find a way to get on with your family (who really need to wind their necks in too frankly) the road ahead for all of you is going to be hard.
Weddings are fundamentally for the couple getting married and driven much more by the bride and her family usually. Your Mum may understandably want to be involved, but actually it's not her place to be doing much more than shopping for an outfit and offering help - she shouldn't be getting involved in the planning unless invited to.

[Usergjdksndjsn]

I don't buy that offering to fly the other in-laws out makes it all ok, either. Who even knows if they want to travel to your chosen wedding destination to be babysitters?
Yah most people hate a free holiday when they have to babysit their own young family members who they love, for just 6 hours.
not worth it at all.

You are both being precious and I think you know it. You are just going along with what she wants because you are afraid of her mate
but op is not going along with what fiancé wants?


still no clue why pp are calling the fiancé unhinged
especially as we now know that even the op says their family reacted terribly.
and the op keeps saying their wedding, what they wanted etc. And everyone is still assuming it was just the fiancé being a dictator.

[strawberriesarenot]

Why are you marrying this selfish and vindicitive person?

[Dacadactyl]

@Inkpotlover

You're right, it's both their wedding. But how is her – and her groom, he says in the OP it was his dream too – saying she wants a child-free wedding bullying his family out of it?

I have not yet met a man who has had an idea in his head of his "dream wedding". Perhaps I'm wrong but I strongly suspect this is his wife to be's vision. And now when OP realises what it actually means for HIS family (because hers are totally unaffected by her "dreams") he's thinking "uh oh".

Im bowing out of the thread now but have a good think OP, because a wife who doesn't get on with your whole family is storing up trouble for you in future.

[MMmomDD]

You fiancée / wife to be seems to be fighting really hard to make sure she has the overall control over you.
You have to report what you talk about with your family?
And you think it’s normal???

If this is how your married life starts, what do you think it will be like as time goes on?
What say would you have on any subject or in any disagreement?

Find your backbone and save yourself. Really!

[MistletoeandBaileys]

@HiddenGiraffes then don’t attend. It’s the risk you take with planning a wedding abroad. Not all family are going to be able to attend. That’s the luck of the draw. But they did offer solutions and the solutions were turned down and that’s fine.

His family didn’t need to accept the solutions that were offered but at the same time they don’t get to pull rank and change the wedding to suit themselves. It’s not about them.

To be honest I think there is more to this than meets the eye anyway. Either the OP is the go between and not giving everyone the full information or something but there seems to be more to this than just an interfering in laws and angry Fiancé.

[HiddenGiraffes]

@Usergjdksndjsn

I don't buy that offering to fly the other in-laws out makes it all ok, either. Who even knows if they want to travel to your chosen wedding destination to be babysitters?
Yah most people hate a free holiday when they have to babysit their own young family members who they love, for just 6 hours.
not worth it at all.

You are both being precious and I think you know it. You are just going along with what she wants because you are afraid of her mate
but op is not going along with what fiancé wants?


still no clue why pp are calling the fiancé unhinged
especially as we now know that even the op says their family reacted terribly.
and the op keeps saying their wedding, what they wanted etc. And everyone is still assuming it was just the fiancé being a dictator.

My in-laws have their own jobs and lives, and money to book the holidays they want, and I can't see them doing it. In the opposite situation I think I'd have a better chance of persuading my own parents, if they didn't have a dog that couldn't be left meaning they've not been abroad in years.

The other grandparents aren't service humans who can be deployed to provide OP and his fiancée with their dream wedding, which tbh isn't a desire I respect loads more than a spoilt teenager's dream of ah expensive Sweet 16 party.

[HiddenGiraffes]

@MistletoeandBaileys

@HiddenGiraffes then don’t attend. It’s the risk you take with planning a wedding abroad. Not all family are going to be able to attend. That’s the luck of the draw. But they did offer solutions and the solutions were turned down and that’s fine.

His family didn’t need to accept the solutions that were offered but at the same time they don’t get to pull rank and change the wedding to suit themselves. It’s not about them.

To be honest I think there is more to this than meets the eye anyway. Either the OP is the go between and not giving everyone the full information or something but there seems to be more to this than just an interfering in laws and angry Fiancé.

His mum said she wouldn't attend in support of her excluded grandkids and their parents and that was a big part of OP's fiancée's complaint.

[Sugarplumfairy65]

@Inkpotlover

They did - they offered for other family members (presumably in-laws of their siblings' partners) to fly out and look after the children for the six hours the wedding was on and the family STILL said no and bullied them into cancelling their big day abroad. I honestly don't blame the fiancee for being peeved.

They offered to fly them out, not cover the expenses on top

[Godlovesall26]

@strawberriesarenot

Why are you marrying this selfish and vindicitive person?

We don’t know how she heard it though. If she heard that the initial reaction was MIL having a strop and saying her ‘dream’ was silly and stupid, that’s a pretty bad start.

If this happened months ago (I would presume so to book a location), both sides are being not great at communication ; mil is only adding fuel to the fire by calling 4 days a week, it makes her sound like she wants to plan even the uk one.

Hard situation. Feels like it’s been allowed to go one a bit too long

[DNBU]

A child free wedding abroad with all your nieces & nephews under 3? Ok! 😂
What did you expect?!