To think this is more than enough maintenance to raise a child? (Friend conflict)

[Bessyioo]

My very close friend was left when her dc was 1. It was brutal, he was having an affair with one of our other friends in our group.

She is now paid 1,050 in child maintenance. However, all I hear is how she is on the ‘back foot’ financially as she is on her own and a lot of our conversation is about how he should be providing more as he is a high earner. She has her own home and I don’t even have a mortgage yet! I may be being sensitive as I feel i struggle financially but surely surely anyone can see that that is a lot of money and pays for everything the child needs?!

Objectively it is a lot compared to what most people get when calculated on cms. It can sting as it is not taken into account on uc so 2 mums on the same salary get the same uc if in the same circumstances but 1 gets 20 maintenance and 1 gets 1000. I do think it should be taken into account as why should the state assume fathers don't pay and make up for it even when they do?

She is unlikely to be a low earner on uc though as high earners often date each other so may have mo clue how she comes across to those on lower incomes.

Do it covers childcare. Every other child related expense is therefore your friends - every meal, pair of shoes, haircut, toys, books etc He makes no contribution to that.

Most people need childcare u till a chil attends senior school. That's particularly the case when single parenting

What.contribution is he making exactly?

This. What a terrible friend.

As usual with these threads all we can do is speculate because OP has not given us all the info we need to make a sound judgement. We don’t know what she means by high earner. We don’t know if the husband is paying towards the mortgage as well as the CM. We don’t know what the wife left with the baby earns.
It seems to me that 1k is “enough” to raise a child. BUT why should it be a question of enough?? Why does the husband get away with forming a new life whilst the mum will be making all the sacrifices? In my view he shouldn’t be paying “enough”. He should be paying what he can to bring up his child so the child is not impacted by their parents splitting. And this could be very different to what’s “enough”. But in this case, we don’t really know.
OP you’ve no idea what it’s like as a single mum. Most single mums work very hard to show to the outside world they are coping well, whilst really it’s very very difficult. Your friend is only 4 months into it, give her break!!!

I'm so sorry for your friend. It's likely she is fixating on the money as a symbol of the gross unfairness of the situation she finds herself in.

No freedom to go to the gym, nip to the shop in the evening, no chance to take an evening class. Just weeks and months and years of childcare and drudgery to look forward to whilst her high earning husband skips off into the sunset with her friend, leaving her to this life of work and loneliness.

It's a fucking bitter pill and you should be a damn sight more supportive.

I'd say she needs another friend.

It is a lot of money and more than many women get. But if he’s a high earner then yes she deserves that amount, as it’s proportionate. I guess she does need to consider she’s in a better position than many but I also think he should be paying that amount

If my husband left me now I would be absolutely floored. We agreed to have kids on the understanding there'd be 2 of us together doing the work and contributing to the pot.

If, on completely turning our lives upside down, he paid enough maintenance to just cover monthly childcare costs it still wouldn't negate the fact that a) I had literally been left holding the baby and b) I was now on the hook financially for way more in terms of mortgage and bills and all other associated costs than I had expected when we agreed to have a baby as a couple.

The fact that other fathers are shittier doesn't change this. The fact that you OP are financially struggling doesn't change anything either. Your friend's entire expectation of how her life will look (emotionally and financially) has been shattered in a really brutal way. Have a little compassion or just admit you can't be a good friend to her.

Yeah OP you have not the tiniest clue.

Im not sure why you are assuming she receives UC? If my husband left me I wouldnt be claiming UC as I earn too much.

I think it's a lot. He's essentially paying her whole childcare bill, assuming she works and has a low income she'll get benefits as well which will take into account that childcare bill but not the maintenance so she'll be probably getting something towards it as well.

MN is like a different planet sometimes. Most of us don't spend 2k per month on one child!

How is childcare only for a year?

It's £100 per day here. When DP and I separated he paid me the CSA recommended % of his wage (around £600) and then half the childcare bill (£1500 in total) on top of that, so £1350 in total. It felt about right.

Not all of us claim UC. I don't even get child benefit, despite taking a wage cut to work 4 days per week, saving us both on child care.

I'm aware of that. Presumably if you don't claim UC and your childcare bill is paid for by the other parent you'd be able to live on your wage? You can still claim TFC on the whole childcare bill. And if you don't get CB then you're earning over 60k and with no childcare bill I'd fail to have much sympathy to be honest. That's more than some couples joint income who do have to pay childcare.

That's nothing compared to the cost of raising a child. The system is broken. Absent parents should be forced to pay an amount that equates to half of the actual costs if housing, feeding, clothing, childcare (including additional costs incurred due to the resident parent doing everything alone), utilities and providing a good life in terms of experiences etc for their child, at a level comparable to their standard of living before the absent parent left.

£1k wouldn't even cover the absent parent's half of a full time nursery bill where I live, so provides no contribution to living costs whatsoever. Of course your friend is worried about money being solely responsible for providing for a small child with a meagre contribution from the father. Just because some pathetic excuses for fathers get away with paying even less or nothing does not mean people should be "grateful" when someone does pay something towards supporting their own child.

Why do you feel the need to even comment on this OP, when not only are you not a single parent, you say you don't even have children? Why does it concern you?

I'm not sure why you are assuming she receives UC? If my husband left me I wouldnt be claiming UC as I earn too much.

Exactly. Lovely stereotyping of single mothers, as usual.

Lol how do you think couples on minimum wage raise their child if 1k maintenance isn't enough?

Circa £2600 per month including childcare?

Some of you are very privileged if you think the "real cost" is more than 2k.

And a grand a month being meagre! What an insult to those of us who work a 40 hour week for not much more than that. You're having a go about stereotyping single mothers but snarking about a grand being meagre which for some mother's, single or not, is most of their wage.

No, half of my childcare bill was paid by the other parent. As it should be. The rest of the money went towards the costs of keeping child housed, warm, clean, fed etc:

How on earth is this (bargain basement) childcare only for a year?

If you don't want to discuss money then don't - tell her you don't wish to talk finances when you are having a difficult time.

Don't use your inability to have that discussion to justify a high earning absent father providing the minimum rather than supporting his child commensurate with his income. Plus of course, she has been left holding the baby and will take all the earnings and pensions pain whilst he is free to grow and develop his earnings potential.

Your friends husband had an affair with her friend and has turned his back on her and left her to be a full time single mum to a 1 year old?
4 months ago? She’s entitled to vent all she likes whilst she navigates this.

He shouldn’t just be giving her enough to ‘get by’ if he can afford to do more.

Don’t underestimate what is involved mentally, physically and emotionally with what she’s been thrown into.

Sounds like you’re jealous and I’m not sure what there is to be jealous of. She’s going through something horrific.

What does she pay in mortgage payments op? What band council tax is she in? What debts has she been left with if any?

Good for you, "unfortunately" for op he's paying what he should be, which financially, is pretty good.

I'd struggle to have sympathy for her financial situation. Id have sympathy that her husband had left, but knowingly whinging to a friend about how badly done to you are, knowing that friend is financially a lot worse off is tone deaf and self indulgent.

Lol how do you think couples on minimum wage raise their child if 1k maintenance isn't enough?

Share childcare between them, be lucky enough to live in areas with cheaper housing and childcare, have family help and/ or claim benefit top ups. Not everyone's essential outgoings are the same. Does this really need explaining?

Circa £2600 per month including childcare?

In many areas this would not come close to covering childcare for two children, let alone anything else. People may earn more but they are taxed a far greater percentage of their income then get no state help towards costs and have very high outgoings also for mortgage/ rent in some areas. So yes, for many people this would be a fraction of what they need for a basic life.

Some of you are very privileged if you think the "real cost" is more than 2k.

It's not a privilege to have to pay £2k per month for nursery.

@Birdsbirdsbirds people on NMW will be supported by UC/tax credits. It shouldn't be a race to the bottom - if you're in London / SE and have to use childcare to work then £1k is not enough to fairly split the costs of raising a child.