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Original poster

To think this is more than enough maintenance to raise a child? (Friend conflict)

366 replies

Bessyioo · 20/01/2023 21:49

My very close friend was left when her dc was 1. It was brutal, he was having an affair with one of our other friends in our group.

She is now paid 1,050 in child maintenance. However, all I hear is how she is on the ‘back foot’ financially as she is on her own and a lot of our conversation is about how he should be providing more as he is a high earner. She has her own home and I don’t even have a mortgage yet! I may be being sensitive as I feel i struggle financially but surely surely anyone can see that that is a lot of money and pays for everything the child needs?!

OP posts:
renonovice · 20/01/2023 23:02

He is paying 1k. The minimum wage is around 1.4k net. A lot of people live on that. She is receiving almost 3/4 of a full-time salary!

Why is that relevant? The father should be paying for his child.

GrapeHyacinth · 20/01/2023 23:03

If she's got a mortgage she won't get benefit support with that. It's not that easy to afford a mortgage on one salary. Especially as you said she'll only need childcare for one more year. What job requires no childcare that's enough to pay a mortgage on her own?

renonovice · 20/01/2023 23:03

@DrinkFeckArseBrick exactly but apparently she should suck it up because some people are on minimum wage 🤔

taxpayer1 · 20/01/2023 23:06

renonovice · 20/01/2023 23:02

He is paying 1k. The minimum wage is around 1.4k net. A lot of people live on that. She is receiving almost 3/4 of a full-time salary!

Why is that relevant? The father should be paying for his child.

But he is paying. That was never the question.

renonovice · 20/01/2023 23:07

But why are you deciding she doesn't have a right to complain about 1k?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/01/2023 23:07

taxpayer1 · 20/01/2023 22:59

He is paying 1k. The minimum wage is around 1.4k net. A lot of people live on that. She is receiving almost 3/4 of a full-time salary!

Show quote history

So?

The man chose to leave his child. Why shouldn't he pay what he owes?

VivaVivaa · 20/01/2023 23:09

taxpayer1 · 20/01/2023 22:59

He is paying 1k. The minimum wage is around 1.4k net. A lot of people live on that. She is receiving almost 3/4 of a full-time salary!

Show quote history

Jesus Christ it’s not a race to the bottom. Your assumption seems to be the mother is being grabby. It’s that her child is being hugely disadvantaged by her fathers disgraceful actions and the subsequent financial fall out from them. The mother is receiving 3/4 of a minimum wage salary and no doubt as a single parent, her career progression and earnings will be impacted. That’s a HUGELY different situation to which her child was conceived. Why should she be grateful for that??

Chichimcgee · 20/01/2023 23:10

You don’t have children so don’t know the costs, it’s not only childcare, clothes, food, extra bills expense etc it’s sacrificing weekends, sacrificing career, doing everything else as well, cleaning, cooking, organising, unless she gets enough maintenance to hire a second parent I don’t think any amount of money is enough.

taxpayer1 · 20/01/2023 23:11

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/01/2023 23:07

So?

The man chose to leave his child. Why shouldn't he pay what he owes?

Show quote history

Where did I say that he shouldn't pay? I said 1k is enough for half childcare and half the expenses of a child. I also said I inferred she was on a lower salary because she is complaining about his ex-high earnings. I didn't say she should not complain. He is the father. He should pay for his child. He pays 1k. I think it is enough.

renonovice · 20/01/2023 23:11

Why should she be grateful for that??

cause she's on UC apparently...

taxpayer1 · 20/01/2023 23:12

Chichimcgee · 20/01/2023 23:10

You don’t have children so don’t know the costs, it’s not only childcare, clothes, food, extra bills expense etc it’s sacrificing weekends, sacrificing career, doing everything else as well, cleaning, cooking, organising, unless she gets enough maintenance to hire a second parent I don’t think any amount of money is enough.

So nobody can separate then!

notangelinajolie · 20/01/2023 23:12

It’s all relative and for a high earner 1k is not a huge amount. Factor in childcare and it will barely cover it.

catherinewales · 20/01/2023 23:14

She's obviously very hurt and is now struggling to cope with life and what's she's getting. Why don't you offer to help her? Help her do a spread sheet of what she's got coming in and going out. I know if my husband left me and paid me that I'd be struggling. If he's a higher earner then she'll have got use to a certain lifestyle and drop in money is going to be hard to get use to. You need to be supportive if your her friend.

GrapeHyacinth · 20/01/2023 23:14

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/01/2023 23:00

I dont think whether its 'enough' is really the point. The point is that the child isnt supposed to be disadvantaged by their parents splitting up. If the childs parents had stayed together and their dad is a high earner (I'm assuming £100k) he would have been bringing home at least £5.5k a month. Enough for the childs other parent to stay at home, or a nanny, lots of stuff that might benefit the child.

But now they've split up,
£1k a month will be a fraction of the dads salary. Why should the dad gave a financial advantage from splitting up? Why should the child have a worse standard of living? The mum has to make a nice home for the child and will be lumped with all childcare, clothing and other expenses if they have the child full time. They will also have to take the hit on career and salary, which is ok when you're part of a family but would suck if you're on your own. I take quite a big financial hit to be able to pick up my kids from school a couple of times a week as I dont want them to be in after school club every single day. That's a much harder decision as a single parent if the ex doesnt want to pay towards that, when they did when you were together

Ita all relative. So yes to lots of people £1k will be a lot of money. But the point is that to the childs parent, it isn't, and they should be wanting to give the child what they can afford not the bare minimum they can get away with

Exactly. I can't believe that people think it's fine for a high earner to father a child, fuck off so that childcare responsibilities don't affect his career in any way and for him to be off enjoying his riches while his kid lives on the bare minimum and while the mum puts in the hard slog of raising a child and juggling that with work

renonovice · 20/01/2023 23:15

I said 1k is enough for half childcare and half the expenses of a child

But plenty don't agree with that.

I also said I inferred she was on a lower salary because she is complaining about his ex-high earnings

you inferred she was receiving UC. Like I said I would be annoyed about 1k even though I wouldn't qualify for UC.

I think it is enough.

I don't.

Dotcheck · 20/01/2023 23:15

Bessyioo · 20/01/2023 21:58

No he has completely blanked her for her friend and none of us have heard from either of them since he left four months ago.

Agree it’s not much when you consider childcare but after that point it seems like enough to me… but I stand corrected. And no I don’t have children myself.

And so, what about NOW? If it only just covers childcare, then all it is doing is enabling her to work. Depending on her income then of course there will be a possibility that things are really tight.

Are you a bit jealous?

randomuser2019 · 20/01/2023 23:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Whydoievenbother · 20/01/2023 23:15

Having a child can be brutal, being a single parent is even harder I assume. She didn't know she was going to end up a single parent, she thought she was going to be a family with no financial stress. Now she's on her own, not to mention the betrayal from her husband. She's probably traumatised to some extent and that's why she's going on about it. Just put yourself in her shoes, be a friend and listen. Maybe even give her a break and watch her baby for an hour so she can go and get a coffee. This is coming from me who had no idea how hard it would be emotionally and physically, and probably before having a baby I might've even agreed with you.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 20/01/2023 23:17

SchoolTripDrama · 20/01/2023 23:01

THIS!!!!

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Absolutely.

GrapeHyacinth · 20/01/2023 23:17

GrapeHyacinth · 20/01/2023 23:14

Exactly. I can't believe that people think it's fine for a high earner to father a child, fuck off so that childcare responsibilities don't affect his career in any way and for him to be off enjoying his riches while his kid lives on the bare minimum and while the mum puts in the hard slog of raising a child and juggling that with work

Show quote history

And as if that wasn't enough, 4 months after she was betrayed and left raising a small child her supposed "very close friend" is bitching about her on mumsnet.

StarCourt · 20/01/2023 23:29

@SchoolTripDrama OP has stated that childcare costs will be £980 per month when her friend goes back to work. So maintenance will cover it. However as friend should also be contributing to childcare costs of 50%, out of £1050 maintenance, minus half the childcare costs of £490 she will be left with £560 to use against other child costs.
If he is a high earner he should def pay a high amount, we dont know his salary so we dont know how generous he is being. But lets not forget friend will also be working too.
As for the Op your friend is only 4 months in and will be struggling in ways you cant imagine. Cut her some slack and be a friend.

Princessbananahamock · 20/01/2023 23:35

I agree!!!!!

Sotiredmjmmy · 21/01/2023 00:05

It’s all relative, and OP hasn’t actually said he is a high earner has she? Just that he is paying £1050. It may be an informal agreement. Also that the friend is going back to work, hence will have earnings coming in to combine with it, not that the £1050 is to pay for absolutely everything, as quite rightly there are 2 parents and both should be paying not just him.

Also no one here knows what her actual outgoings and costs actually are.

E.g. My DH contributes £1k a month, the rest is kept back in his own account for his personal spends. That with my monthly contribution, is enough to fund our bills, mortgage, food, 2DCs, childcare and a 4 bed house, so if he left and paid me what this guy is here it would be totally fine in our set up there would be no change financially - or potentially I would be slightly better off as food and council tax would be less as it wouldn’t be paying for him

WalkthisWayUK · 21/01/2023 00:14

Give her a break! Childcare and bringing up a child is hugely expensive. How do you know she will be OK? I’m sorry but it sounds like you think she’s being chucked free money, which is really not the case. Women need to support other women, esp single mothers. The least you can do is just take her word for it.

Moser85 · 21/01/2023 02:59

Bessyioo · 20/01/2023 22:01

@Regularsizedrudy because it’s the only topic of conversation most of the time and I admit I feel frustrated by it.

I think this is the most important part.
There's nothing worse than someone going on and on and on about lack of money, and it's even worse when they're better off than a lot of people.

I receive a lot less than she gets and so do most of my friends who have split with their child/childrens dad. The topic might come up briefly on a very rare occasion but no one goes on and on about it, even if they are broke.

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