To think this is more than enough maintenance to raise a child? (Friend conflict)

[Bessyioo]

My very close friend was left when her dc was 1. It was brutal, he was having an affair with one of our other friends in our group.

She is now paid 1,050 in child maintenance. However, all I hear is how she is on the ‘back foot’ financially as she is on her own and a lot of our conversation is about how he should be providing more as he is a high earner. She has her own home and I don’t even have a mortgage yet! I may be being sensitive as I feel i struggle financially but surely surely anyone can see that that is a lot of money and pays for everything the child needs?!

Also childcare doesn't just magically stop when they start school. You then have wraparound care and holiday clubs that you need to pay for - quick which soon again isn't cheap!

No, telling her it's all OK is not being supportive. You need to listen to her.

Why will childcare costs end in a year, that makes no sense.
You have literally no idea how hard working whilst being a single mum is. Dropping your baby off as soon as nursery opens, rushing back for pickup. Praying that your little one doesn't get sent home ill again. Praying that you don't get fired because you are always this first to leave in the office and keep having to take time off to look after your sick baby. Feeling burnt out and guilty.

It's not about her getting "enough" - it's about what the father cab ve measured to afford, with any deductions taken off for time he spends parenting his child overnight.

So if he is paying £1k a month its because its proportionate to his earnings and levels of actual parenting the child.

How dare you say a women doing 100% of the child rearing should only ever get "enough" to get by. The child is worth what the income would have been in the household had the man not opted out of his responsibilities.

I may have missed something, but how is childcare only for a year? Nursery fees reduce at 3, but certainly don’t disappear and then wrap around childcare will be a feature for years and years, especially for a working single parent.

Maintenance doesn’t just pay for childcare, it’s any costs for a child and that includes housing a child too presumably….? And I agree with all the other comments about the impact on her career. Also the ones about you not being a good friend.

Excellent post.

Well it sounds a lot to me. I get £120 for 2 kids, that's £60 each. Per month.

She will have zero respite from her child.

No dad taking the child every other weekend so she can catch her breathe.

No dad at home to chuck the little one to and go for a bath with a book.

No one to tag team overnight when the little one is sick.

No one to share the school drop offs and pick ups with.

No one to go halves on school uniform, school trips.

No one to brainstorm parenting tips with to work out how to manage bad behaviour.

No one to say "I'm away with the girls that weekend so you're on kid duty"

No one to help cook the childs meals, clean the child's room or clothes, or maintain the child's home.

And that's before you factor in what the actual child is missing out.

1k still seem like "too much"?

You aren't a friend.

if it doesn’t cover at least half of childcare plus half of child living expenses, it’s not sufficient. Care is the biggest expense and it doesn’t stop once children begin school. We spent a small fortune covering school holidays and days off.

She likely also has to deal with having a career impacted by being the primary caregiver, always having to leave work on time and covering sick days.

How is childcare only for a year? Kids don’t become able to stay at home alone at the age of 2!
The child is half the responsibility of the man, why should he get to leave her struggling if he’s earning a high wage?

I think you're being unfair. If that's the amount CMS are saying he should pay then he either earns a hell of a lot or he never has the child.
If she was used to living with his huge earnings, then I can understand her being worried about the drop (even if it seems a lot to others).

Well it depends on her circumstances, surely?
If she is working, has family childcare, then it may be enough.
If she is working and paying for childcare then not enough.
If she is saying it's not enough then I assume she is struggling to make ends meet though.

Single parents don't just worry about money.

I'm lucky to have an ex who isn't incompetent, abusive or totally absent. But I resent being the only one who does the actual parenting all of the time without support. He has no clue about the parenting issues that he should be concerned about because he just has 2 overnights a fortnight and they can just be a day of gaming and fun.

I hope your friend's child has a proper second parent in her life.

If you want to be a good friend, listen to her vent or offer actual solutions to her worries. Minimising things will seem insensitive when you don't know how she's feeling. It sounds like time will help her gain the confidence to know that she will be ok because she has to be ok for her child's sake.

I am in her position and can tell you that that money will cover childcare etc.
As a single parent you have all the bills and your own earning potential is buggered.
Four months in your poor friend is still in the early days of dealing with awful betrayal and getting her head round being a single parent.

I am sorry you are finding your circumstances tough but resenting your friend will not help you in any way. You must know that really. I hope things get better for you.

On what planet is childcare only for a year?? My kids are 6 and 8 and I still pay £40 a day childcare in term time and £80 a day in school holidays.

That is a blatant exaggeration to make a point. Most people receive 30 hours of free childcare, plus 80% of costs plus 20% of tax-free childcare.

Sounds like a lot to me

A lot of people, done a great wrong, hold onto their anger to stop themselves crumbling. And sometimes that anger can focus on a smaller thing, because the main thing is too devastating to think about. Give her more time.

At aged 3. This child is 1 and a bit. So 18 months at least away from the 30 hours. And costs do depend very much on where you live and what hours you need.

That is a blatant exaggeration to make a point. Most people receive 30 hours of free childcare, plus 80% of costs plus 20% of tax-free childcare.

That doesn't make childcare cheap though. The 30 hours only kicks in after a child turns 3 & is only for 38 weeks of the year plus it only covers 6 hours a day so many people have to pay higher charges for the hours around that.

@taxpayer1 I'm not that poster but where I live a full time nursery place would set you back 2k a month. So it's not an exaggeration. You get 20% off but only uo to 2k s yourbill would be reduced to 1600 for just 5 months of a year, then back to 2k.
Not sure what the 80% is?
30 hours is only once your child is 3 and only term time and where I live they just take the government funding off your bill so you could still be spending almost 1k a moth on a full time place.

Unless she's a relatively high earner (over 50k) then she'll probably be entitled to/receiving UC and be eligible for childcare support as well. They really should start taking child maintenance into consideration when calculating benefits entitlement.

If you are a friend you could help her check if she can get other income like universal credit as a single parent. She has been truly shafted whilst she has a very young child - is he paying for their mortgage and will she have to take it over when she returns to work?
you’re not a parent so you have very little idea of how hard it is to have sole responsibility for a young child; I only hope she has better friends to support her going forwards!

The nursery local to me charges just under 2k a month for a full year time place for an under 3 yr old. And there's a limit to how much tax free childcare you can get.