To think this is more than enough maintenance to raise a child? (Friend conflict)

[Bessyioo]

My very close friend was left when her dc was 1. It was brutal, he was having an affair with one of our other friends in our group.

She is now paid 1,050 in child maintenance. However, all I hear is how she is on the ‘back foot’ financially as she is on her own and a lot of our conversation is about how he should be providing more as he is a high earner. She has her own home and I don’t even have a mortgage yet! I may be being sensitive as I feel i struggle financially but surely surely anyone can see that that is a lot of money and pays for everything the child needs?!

but knowingly whinging to a friend about how badly done to you are, knowing that friend is financially a lot worse off is tone deaf and self indulgent.

You don't know that her friend is worse off though. The OP may have a lower income but she has no children so probably has far lower financial commitments. Comparing incomes is irrelevant without comparing outgoings also.

@Birdsbirdsbirds what the government determine absent fathers parents should pay is nowhere near the true cost of raising a child divided by 2. Nowhere near.

They're not, not if they own a home. I've done the calculator on a thread like this before. If they rent, yes maybe.

It's not a race to the bottom, it's just the reality for lots of people. People earn NMW in London too, you know. It's not a thing that only happens in the north.

And lol at people on mimum wage working around eachother and not having childcare like it's that easy.

It's not a race to the bottom it's reality.

Ok. Other people's realities that they've described don't exist. Only yours. Got it.

Really?As these days fulltime childcare often costs more than £1000 per month

Plus she will need to rent a bigger flat becauses she has a child, plus heating costs, food and clothing for the baby. The costs of baby equipment - cots, prams, changing tables etc etc

No, they exist, theyr just not half as badly done to as they perceive themselves to be.

Do you not consider that before deciding to have a baby? Assuming it's not a total surprise that they cost money.

Is this money used solely for the child or is she using it to fund her own lifestyle?

@Birdsbirdsbirds in your scenario you have two child rearing aged parents in London, both working NMW, who have managed to clobber together enough for a deposit. This is quite rare in itself, you need like £25k minimum for a deposit on a small flat in outer London these days. They would still get tax credits or UC, just not the housing benefit aspect....

And none of that is the point. The OP's "friend" has every right to complain that the system isn't fair when the money she's given doesn't fund half the costs - including childcare - of raising her child.

Stop criticising your friend OP and try to improve your own lot in life.

I'm sure nursery etc costs were considered before the child. It doesn't make them any less onerous or any less than half the responsibility of the other parent.

we dont have alot of info.. we dont know if he wanted a bb in the first place, we dont know how their relationship was, we dont know her spending habbits, or how much she was involved in the finance issues , we don't know is she had a job before or not, we dont know if she s just an entitled brat or completly clueless ... thing is, yes you are in a bad place , and you can just tell her that, i m sorry thins happened to u, i wish there was a way i could help you, but there's such a thing as venting and other making an obsesion about it and then end up depressed about it, and some yeah.. just always seem not to have any money when they actually live completly great , the fact that there's not 1E left at the end of the month is depressing for them but they ignore/forget how well they live
Her friend might be venting because... the money she gets just cover the baby and not herself( yeah yeah there's such a thing).... plenty of dads that dont raise their kids not interact with them nor teach them anything ... but the woman is content she has a husband in name and their kid a dad in name...and they dont bring money in the house... and the woman is essantialy a single woman with all the parenting falling on her...
Life would be alot easier if most women took in consideration having to do it all alone before actually get pregnant...

It doesn't matter if it's a lot. She was left, completely iced out suddenly by her partner with a small baby and left with all the bills to pay, childcare, rearrangi her career etc because he did a runner when she had a one year old.

They likely had plans, budgets, ideas for the future and she was thrown into icy cold water suddenly.

She IS on the back foot. She's scrambling filled with betrayal alone with a small baby.

Just because you're jealous of her home doesn't mean she's not been totally fucked over by her husband and friend.

Have some compassion.

@IDontWantToBeAPie she mostly complains she lost the money over the fact that her husband left her for another woman... she might just hang of a tread or...she is only genuinely mad about that we can't know for sure

And no I don’t have children myself.

Which is glaringly obvious tbh.

Even if her childcare costs go down (and believe me, even breakfast and after school clubs or childminding soon rack up if she's working full-time), kids are bloody expensive.

She'd do well to put some of that money aside for her child's teenage years.

Also, don't forget that at any point her ex could change jobs, or have a period I'll health and his contributions be massively reduced...there's no absolute certainty. I have a friend whose XH was on a six figure salary but once the legalities were signed off dropped to 2 days a week and is paying her peanuts despite having hundreds of thousands into he bank and an extremely wealthy partner.

Maybe worry a bit less about your mates finances and more about being a supportive friend.

This makes no sense. Rewrite it as it's incomprehensible

@IDontWantToBeAPie "she mostly complains she lost the money over the fact that her husband left her for another woman... she might just hang of a tread or...she is only genuinely mad about that we can't know for sure"

The OP's Friend complains over and over about the fact the she is not getting enough money from her now ex, she is not complaining that He left her, he betrayed her. main issue is money... (English not my main language)
She might just have picked only a bad thing to "hate" about her ex, or she only cares about that...

OP, I'm a single mum and my ex has ds 25 nights a year so I'm 'lucky' !

Your friend has been left holding the baby. This means she will have to pay child care from end of maternity leave until dc goes to school at 4 or 5. £1,000 a month is quite normal.

It also means she can't be able to travel for work. She will have to leave on the dot of 5.30 to stand a hope of picking her child up in time. She won't be able to stay late ever. Her career will be materially disadvantaged by this.

Once DC is at school, she will have to miss work with no warning every time her child is sick or the school has a snow day or goes on strike. She will somehow have to cover 13 weeks of school holiday by herself. This will use all her annual leave for the next 14 years plus she will have to pay holiday camp for 8 weeks a year at £250 a week. Another £2k.

Babysitters are hard to find and very expensive (£50 an evening) so unless she has a helpful family, she won't have any sort of social life for the next decade. Without her ex's support, she is less likely to find a new life partner because she won't be going anywhere to meet someone new.

So no, I don't think it's a lot. I feel for her. Her ex needs hanging by his toes !

It is almost universally assumed that a single parent is one of life’s ‘takers’, working part time on minimum wage (or better still, not working at all and expecting the ex to pay child maintenance). The assumption always seems to be that single parents can’t be high earning or have any kind of career. We must be miserable and unhappy and we absolutely must have less than a married couple financially and materially.

I suspect many people fear single parenthood for all the negative connotations, being bottom of the social pile, and the sheer relentlessness of it all. But mainly, I think many people need single parents not to look like them because when they do, it’s a stark reminder that illness, death, an affair, can put them at the bottom of the social pile without a second thought.m

No, they exist, theyr just not half as badly done to as they perceive themselves to be.

What a depressing point of view. There will always be someone worse off so we should all just put up and shut up when shit father's don't pay for 50% of the costs of raising their children. I think you need to raise your bar a bit of what you deem to be acceptable.

It is a lot in my opinion. I get less than half that for 2. It's not taken into account so she will get help with childcare costs if she's not earning enough.

She won't be comparing herself to you though, will she? She will be thinking about the life she had that her cheating scum of a husband has cruelly stolen from her. it's nowhere near what she had. They brought this baby into the world together. There were 2 incomes and 2 people to pick up the work of raising a child. Now it is all on her. Her ex could have been contributing 4-5k into the pot each month but it's now only 1k. Can you really not see how many problems that will cause? Add on his complete absence from the baby's life so she is the one taking all the career hit for drop offs, sick days etc.

Surely it's really bloody obvious why she isn't happy? And that it is no where near enough to compensate for the baby being completely abandoned by its dad.

@Scienceadvisory exactly. Some sense finally.

And from @MintJulia and @Changechangechanging

At least everyone isn't completely bonkers and thinks it's ok for women and children to have their freedom and prosperity massively curtailed by selfish, irresponsible men just because some other people earn low wages.

What a ridiculous comment. A lot of people wouldn't be able to have children if this were true.