Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

623 replies

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 18:44

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

OP posts:
Builtforcomfortbutnotspeed · 20/01/2023 23:56

I had this-but only one baby

he ‘forgot’ to tell me he was married-we had sex a few times over about 4 months before we broke up and we both moved on-I wasn’t in contact with him but my brother was in a vague way-friend of a friend situation

i fell pregnant,(long story where I didn’t know I was pregnant until the Monday and gave birth on the Saturday) he suddenly ’remembered’ his wife and they stuck together-I was the slag who got pregnant to ‘trap’ him and he told my mother that ‘she’s a slag-she planned all this-she’s a whore’ (so my mother punched him but that’s another story)

anyway,the wife swore blind she’d get him to pay for my son,but surprise surprise-I’ve never had a penny

they broke up not long after-he went for contact with his other son but has ignored mine for the last 22 years

i have zero regrets-my son (and my other children) are the light of my life

i wouldn’t be without them-I love them all deeply

my son did go looking for him a few years ago but couldn’t find him and he says I’m his mum and dad-he was loved enough by me to cover any shortfall from this man

it wasn’t easy,I can’t imagine having two of him,but he is everything to me

only you can decide what to do,but whatever you choose,it will be right for you and your other child

whumpthereitis · 20/01/2023 23:56

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 23:52

I know thats exactly what he’s doing - it just hurts so much. I feel he just got off with it Scot free.
I need to concentrate on me and my DD, what is right for us. It’s hard.

Show quote history

I know the type. They leave a trail of destruction in their wake and move on without a care. As unfair as it is, as much as you want him to suffer and to pay like your are, all you can do now is focus on you. You can pick yourself up from this, and you can move in and do better than him. This too shall pass, and one day you will look back and he won’t matter.

Northwestsouth · 20/01/2023 23:56

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 19:07

I still have time. I know that not continuing with the pregnancy is in my best interests but the thought makes me feel sick. I’m angry at the fact I’m having to make this decision while all is forgiven at his end and his wife is now posting photos of them on date nights and calling him My Love all over her social media.
Id like to post what I do for a living but I’m afraid it will be too outing, unfortunately I can’t look for something else. I’m stuck in that regards.

Don’t abort if you don’t want to.

i was in similar xxx I regret

Shauna27 · 20/01/2023 23:57

This is truly shocking! Men can be such pigs!! You deserve soo much more than this! I hope everything works out for you! Sending you a firm handhold and lots of hugs xx

mumyes · 20/01/2023 23:57

OP he is an utter cBiscuitnt.

Do not feel any shame. shame the bastard.

As someone else said, do not put him on the birth cert, or give them his name.

And it is your choice alone whether to abort or not.

Hugs.

RealeyesRealizeReallies · 20/01/2023 23:58

You need to reply to his official letter, addressed to his wife, outlining the details of your relationship and how you would have left well alone, given the full facts.

I would also cc his parents in so that they are kept in the loop.

You have done NOTHING wrong, so you need to act accordingly.

Good luck in whatever you decide x

lifeinthehills · 20/01/2023 23:59

Think about what you want to do for you OP. No-one here has to raise these children for the next decades or deal with any regrets you have if you end the pregnancy. Only you can decide what is right for you. He will have to deal with whatever choice you make as the consequences for his actions.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/01/2023 00:21

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 22:14

@AcrossthePond55 I know, all of those thoughts are running through my head. My DD is now in the stage of looking at universities further afield and I’m lucky enough to be able to support her financially throughout her studies and I’m worried I wouldn’t be able to do that on mat leave/reduced hours.
Thankfully he doesn’t work in the same firm, but we are both criminal solicitors so I see him almost daily at court. There is no way I could get out of that. It’s been awkward as hell in the agents room though!

Well, I'll say no more about the decision you have to make. You're obviously a smart cookie and very savvy about yourself and your world. You'll do the right thing for you.

Obviously, yes, you're going to run into him. I worked with an ex (same office) and it was very awkward and painful (without your complication). The way I dealt with it was to refuse to acknowledge his existence, ignore him as much as possible if we were in the same 'group', and if I had to deal with him at all, I kept it to the bare minimum needed to do the work.

I will admit that the first time he tried to speak to me 'like a friend' 🤮 after the breakup I (literally) hissed at him "Don't fucking speak to me unless absolutely necessary. You. do. not. exist!". Luckily, I was promoted and transferred to another office about 6 months later.

Biggest lesson I learnt from it was "Don't shit where you eat".

RosyappleA · 21/01/2023 00:25

It must hurt so much being in this situation but I mean sleep on it for as long as you need (and can within the time needed obviously) for you to be comfortable with what you decide. Maybe make a list of pros and cons the next few days. See how it changes daily. It is one of those things that only you can decide as others have said but either way you will go on to have a good life without him. Talk to someone if you can in real life too. It can help saying things out loud sometimes.

Longdarkcloud · 21/01/2023 00:27

What a terrible position to find yourself in OP. Whatever you finally decide to do will cause pain. However if you had a miscarriage tonight do you think your initial feeling would be one of relief or immense regret?
Have you felt truly regretful about not having another child or had you come to feel it was for the best. Can you bear the thought of several years of little sleep and overbearing fatigue? Can you afford a nanny, because with your work that would really be necessary. If you’re involved in court work, as you well know, you can’t pack up and go home because your children need to be picked up etc
Have you family who would rather be involved than see you terminate?
Take care

DietrichandDiMaggio · 21/01/2023 00:38

the fact his wife needs to be present tells you all you need to know about the level of trust in their relationship

Of course she doesn't trust him - he was off shagging the OP (without taking care of contraception), pretending to be separated, while she was at home looking after their disabled son.

SRS29 · 21/01/2023 00:55

OP FFS you are a top/lawyer solicitor.....get your legal game head on NOW! You know absolutely what to do......do it xxx

Dummycrusher · 21/01/2023 01:11

Oh wow. What a horrible situation, I'm so sorry.

What I don't understand is why when he thought it was one baby he was happy and supportive and when he found out it was twins he suddenly jumped ship? As though he might have shared the news with somebody then and they changed his mind? Just playing devils advocate here, you don't think he is being forced into staying with his wife by his parents? If his dad was talking about him 'making a decision' or however you described it, you don't think they would be putting pressure on him, perhaps because they think they would be burdened too much with caring for his son whilst he was caring for the twins? Perhaps saying that they couldn't live with them any more? Not excusing him in any way, it just feels very odd that he has suddenly done an about turn having initially been happy at the news and it may in some ways make it easier for you if the above were true, or something similar?

I'm 39 and have a partner, 3 year old and 11 month old. I'm knackered but it's OK and gets easier over time. Twins is a totally different kettle of fish and you'd be doing it alone so it would be a million times harder, but you would get through it it. It sounds like you have good support network, a good job and that he would most likely give you financial support. If you want these babies then just go for it and hang the exhaustion - it will pass. If you don't want them, have a termination and hold your head high because you have done nothing wrong.

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 21/01/2023 01:16

@AcrossthePond55 don’t shit where you eat. God I need to have that as my screensaver! I’m absolutely kicking myself for being such an idiot. Solicitors have a bad rep for cheating and shagging about, like cops. I usually don’t fall for this type of crap.

@Longdarkcloud I know, it’s exhausting and the hours are bad. Certainly not family friendly anyway. I do have support, my parents are fantastic and they helped straight away when I needed it for my DD but now she’s older and they don’t babysit anymore I don’t want to go back and add this worry to them, start all over again.

@SRS29 Trying! I’m reading over my messages and I’m angry at myself for being so weak. I’m much stronger than I’m coming across, like you said I need to get my head back in the game. I’m taking the weekend to think about everything and I’ll make a decision and stick to it.

OP posts:
Everyonehasavoice · 21/01/2023 01:21

If you do decide to go down the termination route.
As a twin parent beware
You will start to show much quicker
I found it impossible to hide my huge bump at just 10weeks. By 12 at my scan the nurse said “ let’s just see how many are in there” I thought I was just huge, she didn’t even contemplate 1.

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 21/01/2023 01:23

@Dummycrusher I thought that might have been the case as well, but I’m not sure if it was finding out it was twins or the fact the ultrasound video/pics made it real. I guess I’ll never really find out what pushed him over the edge, he’s not been in touch and I’m not reaching out to him first. The letter and the way he has acted is completely night and day to the way he was before. His tone and demeanour has completely shifted and I don’t recognise who he is now.
thank you, I have a lot to think about.

OP posts:
Northwestsouth · 21/01/2023 01:29

SRS29 · 21/01/2023 00:55

OP FFS you are a top/lawyer solicitor.....get your legal game head on NOW! You know absolutely what to do......do it xxx

Which is what?

ask for money?

Northwestsouth · 21/01/2023 01:30

Desertislanddreamer · 21/01/2023 01:23

@Dummycrusher I thought that might have been the case as well, but I’m not sure if it was finding out it was twins or the fact the ultrasound video/pics made it real. I guess I’ll never really find out what pushed him over the edge, he’s not been in touch and I’m not reaching out to him first. The letter and the way he has acted is completely night and day to the way he was before. His tone and demeanour has completely shifted and I don’t recognise who he is now.
thank you, I have a lot to think about.

He probably fessed up, just like mine did. “Better coming from me”.

Dummycrusher · 21/01/2023 01:32

@Desertislanddreamer I think you said you see his dad through work? And you have mutual friends. What have any of their reactions been? They must think he's a shit, surely?

LuluBlakey1 · 21/01/2023 01:37

None of this is his wife's fault. She is married with a child and had no idea he was cheating on her and lying to her. She must be devastated too.

Be angry with him.
Be angry with yourself.
Don't be angry with his wife.

Dummycrusher · 21/01/2023 01:55

LuluBlakey1 · 21/01/2023 01:37

None of this is his wife's fault. She is married with a child and had no idea he was cheating on her and lying to her. She must be devastated too.

Be angry with him.
Be angry with yourself.
Don't be angry with his wife.

I don't really see how he could have been cheating though. OP said she met his mum and dad and his friends, so he wasn't keeping his relationship with OP a secret. Sounds as though they were separated but there have been further developments since he found out about OP's pregnancy. He's still a shit for how he has behaved though.

LemonSwan · 21/01/2023 01:57

I don’t think the op needs to be angry with herself. She’s done nothing wrong either!

The man is a twat.

I would think about what you want OP. Ignore him and think do you want these babies or do you not. How did you feel when initially found out and thought you were staying together? If happy then don’t let his change of mind sway you.

tolerable · 21/01/2023 02:15

ok.Its shit.You arent wher you thought you were.
sod him\her.Block them on facebook -Youre personal involvement-is done.
It may sound cold..these are your babies.if you want to-you can have them...
to be honest-better you hit with truth now as further down line.
Would his £ help-if so-get it legalised-along with sttement bout no intrest.
if not........its your call. You are not obliged in any direction. Do what you believe is right FOR YOU

dollytot · 21/01/2023 02:49

What an asbolute POS. He probably said what he said knowing full well that you might not call him if his wife was there and that would ease the pressure for him. If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, how much would you be entitled to get from him?! I'd take his sorry ass to the cleaners and make the wife know EXACTLY what a scumbag he is.

Happyhappyday · 21/01/2023 02:54

Just to say OP, I had an abortion this summer, happily married, have a DC, just discovered I desperately didn’t want another. I felt utterly sick at the position I’d put myself in, but I realized I didn’t feel horrible about having an abortion, more than I was angry at myself for putting myself in that position. I didn’t want to be someone who had had an abortion, not that I didn’t want to have one, if that makes sense? I saw a really great therapist and a really kind midwife, if you are considering not going through with the pregnancy (which in your shoes, I 100% would not), finding a good counselor would be really important.

At the end of the day, I made a mistake getting pregnant, but paying for that mistake for the rest of my life and bringing a whole human being into the world who was not 100% wanted, could never be the right choice.