Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

Op I'm so sorry. You've had some really good suggestions here but only you can't decide what is the right thing for you to do. I know it's not helpful to hear but ultimately this is your life. You need to weigh up what you want your future to be like in 5, 10, 20 years time. Do you want to revisit the baby/toddler/children stages of life all over again when you are meant to be able to wind down? Can you financially cover the expenses of 3 children with today's current shit how of a econimal climate without having to come out of it short for yourself. Do you have the mental strength to devote yourself to 2 babies all on your own with no in house support?

Its so so hard but nothing seems to be working out in your favour. However it doesn't mean its impossible and of course if you want to keep your babies then you will find a way to work it out because you will have to! But please whatever you do be kind to yourself, it's hard enough being pregnant with twins let alone going through the external stresses that you have with this twat of a man.

Keep talking on here to help straighten your thoughts out because the next couple of weeks will undoubtedly be bumpy and hard for you. But we are all here and mns is a great support system for pregnancy and crappy relationships x

I feel for you. Maybe you need to consider your options. Would seeing a counsellor help. I am similar age to you. I know twins would be hard work. But I don’t think personally I could abort. However at 40 there are more health risks for the babies. I wonder if their dad, has been told what to do by his wife? Maybe he will try and run back. Who knows but I wouldn’t want him involved at all. You need to do what’s right for you.

You have to do what you want to do. Do you want more children? it’s really the only question.
You know he will provide support financially, but that’s it. I’d try not to make it about money, at least not solely. What do you want for the future, if it was just you…

As for the wife, she won’t be smug, life isn’t rosey, marriage is in tatters. He’s a shit, probably staying for the children/doesn’t matter. Block them.

Don't read too much into social media. I have a disabled child and would continue to live with my husband as a family unit for practical purposes in this situation. I sure wouldn't be intimate with him though. That would be over. You don't know what is really going on.

I'd also meet with him and his wife but take someone with you. Rest assured, his wife only knows the little he has told her, and he needs to face consequences.

There's no right or wrong answer here - a termination would mean a clean break and let the snivelling bastard off the hook! On the other hand, at 39, if you want more children?

I think we are all pretty unanimous here in having your back - but we won't be there for the sleepless nights and the childcare... xx

If I was in your position I'd definitely have an abortion. He says he doesn't want a relationship but he could easily change his mind. It all seems too complicated.

No right answers here at all. The only right answer is the one you want. How do you feel? If you want to keep your babies that’s your decision and don’t let anyone make you feel shit about it. If you decide on a termination - likewise - absolutely your choice.

Don’t feel pushed into the ‘right’ decision because he or a forum or outside forces try to push you one way or the other x

I wouldn't contemplate a relationship with this excuse for a man!

I can’t offer any advice based on personal experience. I do feel that if you were 20 years younger then a termination could well be something to consider. However, it comes across quite strongly that you want these babies and it is possibly this could be your last chance to have more children. You are employed in a well paid profession and I am sure maternity leave won’t be a problem nor will nursery care as they get older. It will be hard work but lots of joy as well. Don’t let this arrogant excuse for a man take away all the posit from the situation. Good Luck 🍀

What an utter prick. Atleast you aren't married to him. Shame on his wife for not throwing him out.

His wife is in a shit situation too but not as shit as you. You sound strong and whatever you decide will be right. It must be unbearably hard to have to see this bastard in a work environment everyday. I'm so sorry.

What a shitbag! @Desertislanddreamer I'm so sorry you're in this position. Please take your time and don't make rash decisions.

What do you want? If you want more children, at 39 this is probably your only chance. You know what being a parent is like, you've been through it all before. Don't let his poor behaviour prevent you from having these babies if you want them, they can be a beautiful miracle from a shit situation. Your daughter may adore her siblings!

Likewise, if you don't want to go through being a single parent or to be tied to him through the children, you don't have to. No judgement here. It is 100% your choice and yours alone. Make the right decision for YOU. You're the one that's going to have to live with it either way.

Sorry this is happening it also happened to me I kept my baby without sounding harsh about some of the posts on here about your options don’t listen you will be a brilliant mum and any hurt now will fade coming form someone it’s happened to, my daughter is the best thing that’s happened to me ❤️

Oh my goodness op I’m so sorry, I’m not sure you will ever get over this but you will certainly be busy when the babies come. I’m not sure I could continue working at the same place but you’d lose your maternity pay I suppose if you leave now. I’d probably look elsewhere after maternity. What an absolute horrible thing to do.., and how cowardly to send a letter!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, @Desertislanddreamer. It's horrendous how awfully you have been treated by this sad excuse of a man. I can't imagine how difficult processing all that has happened must be. I think I would take him up on his phone call with his wife and make sure that the circumstances of the relationship are known, as other posters have advised. Personally, I believe that you are entitled to any financial support for the twins from him considering that is the least he could do, but really, that's only if you still want him to have any involvement.

Also, having twins is a great surprise, and women having children in their late 30s/early 40s isn't uncommon nowadays. Despite the circumstances, this new chapter of motherhood may be an extremely wonderful and rewarding experience.

You're stronger than you think you are OP, and I'm sure you'll be able to make this work for the better!

Best wishes and hugs x

If OP does this she should do so knowing that neither of them may in fact squirm, and are equally as cold towards her. Due to his job he will be well versed in keeping his cool.
She should also be prepared that if her children decide to track him down as teens or adults, he could simply shrug and shut the door in their faces.

That isn’t to say she shouldn’t do it, just that she needs to consider whether it could leave her feeling worse.

My mum had an only older child and then twins one of which was me. She was a good mum but boy did she go on about how much harder it was than one. She really struggled and us twins paid the price of that.

Thank you all for your support, I have read all the comments and they help a lot. I don’t know how I feel to be honest. I just feel numb with it all, coupled with being sick 24/7 I don’t know where my head is at.

What a lowlife.

To counter the "I would terminate" posts, I, personally, wouldn't if, and only if, I wanted more children. Yes, with twins it's a high risk pregnancy. If you want to continue, you can do this.

@whumpthereitis oh you should of seen what he sent. It was an official solicitor worded letter, cold as ice. He would absolutely be like that in person.

I’m a single mum and find it really fulfilling. Of course it’s incredibly hard work but amazing too. It’s your choice op but about 1/3 of families are headed by single mums and we generally do a great job.

Unfortunately he intends to leave you in the dust and move on without a backwards glance, leaving you picking up the pieces.

Honestly in the your shoes I would terminate and remove all traces of him from your life. He isn’t someone you need to spend your life tied to. He’s taken enough of your time and energy. I would focus on yourself, your daughter, and moving forwards in your life.

Sorry if this has already been suggested, but I think if I were in your position (And I'm so sorry that you ARE in this position OP), I think I'd be requesting a meeting with your Company HR and telling them the whole sorry tale on the basis that you love your job and you have no intention of leaving your job, however you will be needing support at work due to proximity to him and the distress and discomfort this will inevitably cause you. I would do that no matter what you choose to do regarding continuing the pregnancy.
I should imagine he is hoping this won't become common knowledge but any shame is HIS. Not yours and not his wifes. Your priority is YOU and I would be concerned that somewhere down the line he may decide that having you around at work may be problematic/you may tell people/his wife may decide she can't cope with him being near you etc and he might try and squeeze you out somehow.
If your Company are aware, any underhand tactics will be highlighted for exactly what they are and they may just wonder at the viability of of continuing to be associated with someone so lacking in integrity in a role that really should stand up to scrutiny.
Good luck OP. x

I know thats exactly what he’s doing - it just hurts so much. I feel he just got off with it Scot free.
I need to concentrate on me and my DD, what is right for us. It’s hard.

I had my first at 38 too op - it was easier as I was a bit set up - somewhere to live etc. i appreciate it’s different for you as you also had a child young.

your choice entirely op but I wouldn’t let the circumstances of conception put you off being a mum again if that’s what you want. There’s no shame in being a single mum.