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Original poster

Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

623 replies

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 18:44

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

OP posts:
BuffyFanForever · 21/01/2023 05:04

So sorry to hear of his horrid behaviour! You did nothing wrong here and it must be so difficult. Focus on your new little babies, he’ll support financially as he should but you can do this. So many women have babies at 40. You have a great job, you’ve clearly done a great job with your DD if she’s getting ready to go to Uni. You can do this. Let getting ready for the babies’ arrival soothe the heartbreak. You’ll be in love with two little ones that actually deserve it when they arrive!

Andypandy799 · 21/01/2023 05:16

@Desertislanddreamer just wanted to say what an absolute bastard, sending hugs 🤗

Whatsrheday · 21/01/2023 05:48

I was a single mum since pregnancy (after my husband behaved abominably) with little family support & we already and another child (It was very hard, his bad behaviour only started once it was too long gone to terminate)

I remember the feeling of not knowing what to do
Its a really personal decision, you have to tune out all the voices and go with what you want. BPAS have counselling around this.

With grandparental support and an excellent nanny it might be doable, he might agree to pay for the nanny and you can look on childcare dot co uk for one

kateandme · 21/01/2023 06:26

do you have time to let your heart and head settle a little.
you must be feeling so many emotions right now im not sure if its the right time this second to make such a huge deicion. you might act in anger against him,her the situation.you might not act for the same reason. this is a literal life changing decision. can you heal a little first. your in the raw shit heap of things right now and rational though is not working.
im so very sorry your going through this, have you spoken,got hugs of those who love you?
im sure his ex didnt know this was going on. and the poor lass is trapped with the fucker needing to stay with him due to such issues with her poor son.
so hes screwing everyone over here.

Ladybug14 · 21/01/2023 06:42

@Desertislanddreamer I'm so sorry that you're going through this

Firstly - please please talk to someone about the pregnancy. A counsellor, even call Samaritans who can listen and sign post. You need to discuss this decision. Its huge and you need help, advice, support.

Secondly - NONE of this is your fault. End of

Thirdly - the wife is in pain as you are. She is posting on social media to try to punish you and try to consolidate her fading marriage. I've seen this happen over and over. The marriage never lasts. (IME)

Fourthly - this man is a very bad person. Please protect yourself from him.

If you want someone to talk to , please DM me. Flowers Sending you love ❤️

Pipsquiggle · 21/01/2023 06:44

Very sorry you going through this OP.

What an absolute shit of a man. He has definitely shown you and his wife who he is.

I am glad you are considering all options, you need to do what is right for you and your family. You sound like an amazing woman.

I would just think about having 2 babies at 39/40 will be very different to having 1 baby in your early 20s - on every level - physically, emotionally etc and do you want to be tied to this shit for the rest of your life?

I send you a big hug and the very best wishes for whatever you do x

orangegato · 21/01/2023 06:54

I could not be tied to this man struggling with his offspring for the rest of my life. No way in hell.

Mix56 · 21/01/2023 07:06

If's so awful for you, you have been lied to by omission by so many people.
But now you need your driven, hard, analytical solicitors brain to get to work.
I think as a woman who has brought up 2 children, in totally different circumstances, (but with a absent disinterested father.) In my late 30s & they weren't even twins. That having these babies is simply going to break you,
You also need to consider your relationship with your existing child.
Also the vague possibility of some health issue with one ir either of them. Would spin the horror out of this universe

LlynTegid · 21/01/2023 07:19

Sorry to read of the pain you are going through.

Apollonia1 · 21/01/2023 07:24

I think you need to decide if you want more children. This could be your last chance.

If you decide to keep them, yes twins are hard (but so rewarding!), and you've a good career and can probably afford a nanny.

I'm a single mum and had twins at 47. I work full time, and it's a bit if a juggling act, with little free time for me. But I love it!

Dibbydoos · 21/01/2023 07:25

OP sending a big hug.

Reading what you've said, I think you were his escape from a difficult life and he's realised he can't cope with having other children because his son needs so much care. In a way, he's damned if he stays with you (abandoned his severly disabled child) and damned if he goes back to his wife (abandoned his gf who's having twins). I suspect the guilt he felt about his son needing him kept him in what sounded like a thankless marriage, though they're now clearing working at it.

I can't help with a suggestion, OP because termination is a difficult and personal decision and keeping them is equally difficult and a personal decision.

Sending you a big hug. Whatever you decide is the right decision x

Ladybug14 · 21/01/2023 07:29

I'd suggest @Dibbydoos that should he be feeling guilt it's because he lied lied lied lied and lied some more and couldn't keep his dick in his fucking knickers.

But I don't believe that men like this feel guilt. My opinion is that men like this are scum.

JimHensonWasAGenius · 21/01/2023 07:35

In you original post OP you said that they were a "lovely family" hence his reasons for living with his parents.

Did you actually meet them then?

Growfish · 21/01/2023 07:36

When someone shows you their true colours, believe them OP. I wish you well.

Mylaferret · 21/01/2023 07:46

I have twins, a supportive husband who does more than his fair share and no older children to support. It's been the hardest fucking thing I've ever, ever done. I certainly couldn't have done it on my own. Id say they got easier around the age of 4 when they could reliably dress themselves, toilet, play together nicely. 4 years is a LONG time.

Not to mention that it basically threw a hand grenade into my career. Had to go part time due to childcare costs, passed over for promotion due to pregnancy, and i don't think my career will ever recover.

Much as i hate to say it i wouldn't continue the pregnancy. Yes you might regret it, but you may also regret having them. What if he and his wife decide they want to be involved in the twins lives and go for 50/50 residency - or any kind of residency really? You'll be stuck dealing with him for the next 18 years.

Soontobe60 · 21/01/2023 07:50

Mannymoomin · 20/01/2023 20:40

Completely derailing now, but you are wrong. Babies can and do survive being born at this gestation. A friends baby born weighing 300grams is now an 18 year old

Show quote history

The most premature baby to survive, at 22 weeks 2 days, was born in 2020. There is absolutely no chance that a 21 week old gestation foetus was able to survive 18 years ago. Even with today’s advances in medical mortality, there is a less than 1% chance of survival.

maryberryslayers · 21/01/2023 07:54

Don't keep his dirty little secret, you did nothing wrong, you thought you were in a relationship. You don't owe him anything.
He could have gone back to his wife but still treated you with kindness and consideration, instead of an employee he's fired!
Best of luck with what ever you decide. Just do what feels right, the rest will work it's self out.

Newnamefornewyear2023 · 21/01/2023 07:57

OP, even though it feeels like he’s got off Scot free, he really hasn’t. He sounds like he is in a shit marriage, with a challenging situation with his son, and still living with his parents. I don’t say this to suggest you feel sorry for him but to try to help you not feel too bitter. It hurts right now but actually in a year your life will be rosy and I don’t think his will be. I wouldn’t swap! Im
so sorry about your tough decision re the pregnancy though

Duckingella · 21/01/2023 08:01

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 20:37

Yes he knows it’s twins, the day of the scan is the last time he spoke to me apart from the letter.
I agree his wife doesn’t deserve any hate, she is as much a victim of his bullshit as I am, however she does come across as very smug and is painting this happy family picture that is getting my back up.

I have to wonder if she isn't able to leave him easily and that's the reason they are still together.

She lives in his family's house and has a disabled child.She might not have the option financially to leave nor practically without the physical help with her son.She's trapped and has to up with his bastard like behaviour he knows he can get away with.

ppure · 21/01/2023 08:03

have you replied to the letter?
HE nor his wife shouldn't get to decide what the involvement is.
whether you are in a relationship or not, you need to dictate exactly what you want and expect back.

BunchHarman · 21/01/2023 08:10

I would terminate. I wouldn’t risk the damage to my daughter’s life, to my career, to my mental health and to my body. Single parenting twins would be utterly savage. And you will never be able to move on from what happened as you would always have a reminder. When life got hard, you’d be reminded of the stsrk difference in your life and his.

Itslookinggood · 21/01/2023 08:10

What a cunt.

get your legal brain on, op. Bottom line is, do you want another child? And if so, could you go solo with twins, knowing it will knock a grenade into your life and career?

at 39/40, depending on how you look at it, it’s either a last shot at motherhood, with all the wonderful things and costs that go with that or a bullet you can dodge.

I’d get clinical and do a pros/cons list to help you decide. On the cons list, don’t forget to include lifelong contact with the cunt who put you in this situation. Because it’s not as simple as total opting out, as he will find out once any twins get old enough to make contact themselves.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 21/01/2023 08:32

If you had been together for a year, do you have any proof of that? Such as photos of you together on your phone on outings etc? If so, keep them in case his wife wants to know more or has been told you were just a ONS.

OhGoodnessyMe · 21/01/2023 08:33

What a mess, OP.

I don't understand why someone like him is living with his parents. I get that he moved in with them when he separated from his wife and now you say she has joined them in his parents' house- but why?

It hardly seems like the best set up to rebuild a marriage, living as this extended family unit, with no real privacy.

As a high earner, you'd think he would have moved into his own place when he left his wife, not run home to mum and dad!

In your shoes, I'd terminate. There is this unknown risk that any child of his may have some genetic condition, and the sheer hard work of looking after twins, but also, do you want these babies to be a lifelong reminder of your horrible affair with this man?