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Original poster

Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

623 replies

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 18:44

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

OP posts:
EllieM27 · 20/01/2023 22:14

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 20/01/2023 22:03

Also ignore those who are saying the 22 weeks is a lie - one of DH closest friends has a 16 year old who was born at 22+3. They said they wouldn’t have intervened had she not been born breathing but she was. It’s possible.

Right, it’s just rare enough in the UK to question it. If OP was in the US it’s a bit different, they’ve got around a 30-35% survival rate on 22 week-ers right now.

The point isn’t the age and whether it’s possible but rather that this guy is a confirmed liar and could also be lying about his son’s condition, which affects OP because she is pregnant with his children.

Emmamoo89 · 20/01/2023 22:14

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending all my love and hugs x

ssinhk · 20/01/2023 22:14

I think the letter is him trying to making him look good if his wife tries to divorce him? Like if the wife claims everything they have because he has cheated etc, he might have some trouble. So he makes a letter to show that he had no involvement in this affair anymore?? And the wife probs didn't know the whole story.
I’d also worry that he tries in the future to get involved in the life of your twins and make sure no mention of his name on the birth certificate.
So sorry for you OP in this situation. What a cruel bastard….The hardest thing is that you still have feelings for him….But believe me, time heals everything. It will pass. Maybe …. Twins are a gift for you and who said life will be calmer or easier if you terminated? No one knows the future, just follow your heart and keep digging until you find any strength within …..

alanabennett · 20/01/2023 22:23

I can't imagine how hard this is for you - but please remember that you have nothing to feel shame about. You had a relationship with a man you believed to be separated from his wife. Nothing wrong with that. He's the one who should feel shame.

Everyonehasavoice · 20/01/2023 22:25

I have twins
Having twins as a single mother will be all consuming. I can’t even imagine doing it without support. Not just the ‘ I’ll pop round and give you a hand every now and then’ type.

You will need to know that someone will help at the drop of a hat or you can get paid help.

I wouldn’t trust him to pay a penny, if he cared he wouldn’t treat you like this at your most vulnerable.

Really feel for you

Hawkins001 · 20/01/2023 22:26

All the best and positivity, op, although how was he caught ?

bonzaitree · 20/01/2023 22:27

this is hard for you OP I’m so sorry.

What do you want the next 20 years to look like? What do you want for your future?

No wrong answer here at all- it’s just what you want to do.

is there anyone you can talk to about this IRL?

Bestcatmum · 20/01/2023 22:28

I barely managed to bring up one child alone never mind two. Childcare would be amost 2K a month. I think you need to make hard decisions with your head not your heart or face years of poverty on UC unless you earn a massive salary.

AnotherFamilyUpset · 20/01/2023 22:32

Is there any conflict of interest in your work having children together?

I had a termination for far less. It was a good decision for me and although I think about it and sometimes think what might have been, I don't regret it at all. Do you want to be tied to this guy for the rest of your life?

tappinginto2023 · 20/01/2023 22:32

Forget about the wife.
You had an affair with a married man, it was probably never going to work out.

Think about yourself, importantly your Dd - you said teenager, but a 13 year old is very different from a 19 year old. How is this going to affect her life and future?

You need to forget about the dick and concentrate on your future and your DD future and think about how twins will change that and what choices you have.

Mammajay · 20/01/2023 22:33

This is in some respects worse than a bereavement. Whatever you decide won't be easy. I think I would talk to some professionals to try and help your decision.

tappinginto2023 · 20/01/2023 22:35

tappinginto2023 · 20/01/2023 22:32

Forget about the wife.
You had an affair with a married man, it was probably never going to work out.

Think about yourself, importantly your Dd - you said teenager, but a 13 year old is very different from a 19 year old. How is this going to affect her life and future?

You need to forget about the dick and concentrate on your future and your DD future and think about how twins will change that and what choices you have.

Sorry just seen she is 17/18.
How do you think she might feel about you changing your family? She might love it of course, but you aren't going to have much time money energy for her if you have the twins. She might have always wanted siblings, and she might get pregnant herself some point in the near future!

tappinginto2023 · 20/01/2023 22:38

The wife is possibly terrified he with leave her with a disabled son and go shack up with you and try again with a second family Sad

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/01/2023 22:38
Flowers
SpaceshiptoMars · 20/01/2023 22:39

I think this man will be paying a high price, too. Such a disabled child will be a source of much sorrow - and now there is a chance of healthy twins that he can never know. He must be drowning in regrets right now.

So sorry, OP. No idea what is for the best, but sending a hug.

ricepuddin · 20/01/2023 22:44

He may have painted you as some kind of one night stand seductress... I think you should make the circumstances of your relationship (long term, created by his ongoing deception) clear for his wife, just to make sure you're all on the same page. She's clearly involved in his decision making now, so this has practical implications for future child support, potential co-parenting, etc.

billy1966 · 20/01/2023 22:46

AcrossthePond55 · 20/01/2023 22:08

Frankly, in your place I'd terminate. Or I'd place the babies for adoption if I didn't believe in abortion. There's no shame in doing either, although obviously terminating would be the more 'private' option.

It would be a hard decision for me to make, but in the long run and if I were in your situation, I think the wisest one. I just don't think I'd want to be 'starting over' at 40, especially under less than 'stellar' circumstances. And I know you're probably on a good salary, but have you looked at the costs of daycare for twins added to the Uni costs for your DD in a few years? The costs of putting 2 more through Uni in 18 years, when you're possibly beginning to think about retirement? These are things that bear thinking about. And balancing them against your feelings about continuing the pregnancy.

As far as 'him', he needs to 'cease to exist' to you, too. Is there any possibility of transferring to another location or department within your firm so you don't have to see him?

Word for word.

The road you are contemplating is so hard and that is with a fully supportive partner.

Clinically speaking, you are contemplating offering up your future to raise two children alone.

If you were absolutely desperate for children I would advise to think hard at your age, but as you are unsure, I would definitely consider termination.

I am nearly 60 with teens, it takes real energy.

Don't allow your future be defined by a mistake that HE was.

America12 · 20/01/2023 22:46

MelloYellow · 20/01/2023 21:29

i wouldn’t get rid of the babies
you’ll regret it all your life.

Not necessarily

Wagsandclaws · 20/01/2023 22:47

Shit what an awful situation. As pp have said when men say they are separated it's very fluid and I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. On balance op I would have the babies as you know from your eldest child they are a gift.

You also need to do what's best for YOU and by proxy your daughter. If you want to go ahead with all the pitfalls known then I wish all the love and luck in the world.

Coincidently I had a good friend who went for a consultation about an abortion and whilst there discovered she was carrying twins.

Their dad was an abusive bastard and they'd split up but in the end she kept them and they have just turned 18.

I hope if you continue it all works out ok and you can find peace and joy in your future: if you don't then I also wish you peace and joy in your future.

Lochroy · 20/01/2023 22:50

Grrr. I am angry on your behalf.

The only thoughts I have are
-stay off social media and bear in mind she will be trying to put a very positive spin on everything
-the fact his wife needs to be present tells you all you need to know about the level of trust in their relationship
-you alone decide what you want to do
-if you want to keep the babies, you will find the strength
-if you do keep them, you don't have to hide the facts of what's brought you to this situation

Sending best wishes.

Irishfarmer · 20/01/2023 22:57

I don't envy your decisions right now. What a f8cker though!!

You haven't done anything wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.

How many weeks are you? Do you have time to let things settle and decide what you want? Maybe talk to a good friend/ family member IRL and go through the practicalities ( I know awful to boil it down to that)

Canthave2manycats · 20/01/2023 22:59

What a horrible situation, and what a bastard!!

You have to go with your heart, I think, and what you can financially afford? You say you have support - your teen DD might help out as well when she's not in uni. She can get a part-time job to help support herself; plenty of kids do.

Think what you might regret most - terminating the pregnancy or having two more children? Did you want more children? Leave that fucker and his dimwit wife out of the equation - this is about you. Definitely do not keep it quiet how he has treated you!!

I think you should make sure that his wife knows the full extent of your relationship with her twat of a husband - you don't know what he has told her!

Whatever you decide, at least you won't be saddled with this wanker. Take his money and run.

Stomacharmeleon · 20/01/2023 22:59

I am with @MelloYellow tbh.

Ariautec · 20/01/2023 23:05

AdamRyan · 20/01/2023 20:24

Maybe I'm vindictive but I'd take him up on this, be ice cold and make him squirm. In fact I'd suggest face to face meeting with both of them and a mediator as you want to keep the babies so you want to agree a fair financial settlement so you can do that.

You will be telling the babies his name and their story when they are old enough to ask about him so they need to be prepared for the babies trying to find him when they are old enough.

You won't be keeping it quiet at work.

Good luck OP Flowers

Show quote history

Me too. I would meet him and his wife too. Make him face the consequences. Stand up for yourself and for your/his children. Bet his wife doesn’t know the half. Getting all agreements in place is a great idea too.

My ex, in his frustration, threatened that he and the OW would sit down and tell me just how it was….I agreed, great idea. Never saw him for dust. 😉

nettie434 · 20/01/2023 23:14

Sorry that you are in this really difficult decision. It must be so hard trying to make a decision about pregnancy when he is behaving this way. It's so tempting to follow his wife on social media but I agree with other posters that her posts may bear little resemblance to the reality and must be really hurtful to see - especially when his parents deliberately implied that he and his wife were separated.

Twins at 39 will be hard work and it may affect your relationship with your DD and her father. While only you can make this decision, it could help to talk it through with a health professional, especially as you don't know why his child was born so early.

Sending you good wishes and support in your decision making.