Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

@TheBestTeam

I agree. My point was that she has to let go of all feelings towards him and his wife. It's not helpful.

Then she needs to think about whether she really wants to have these babies now.

I always thought the same.

@TheBestTeam The dad has a right to see his children.

Yes I know that.
He knows that.
He has decided to clearly set out at this point that no contact will ever be sought. Obviously in the future if I continue with the pregnancy and he changes his mind, contact will happen. I would never deny that. In regards to maintenance, that would be paid by him.
The pregnancy was not planned, I would have thought by my PP that was obvious and unfortunately with all the will in the world we all know no contraception is 100% and that’s all I am going to say on that matter.
Please stop with comments and messages of legal advice.
I’m a solicitor.
I don’t need it.
Stay off Google cause most of it is wrong.

Thank you for the supportive comments - means a lot.

How are you doing @Desertislanddreamer ? Are you sleeping and eating OK?

That's two speculations that the existing child will die soon. Please will people stop.

What a difficult situation to be in. Ultimately it’s a question of whether you want to raise 2 babies alone. His marriage is not a concern. It seems like they have a “keeping up appearances” pact together. I doubt he is ashamed about hurting your feelings. How ridiculous that he had a pregnancy scare with his last affair though, he’s just playing with fire. He knows the consequences.

Twins are rare, but that isn’t reason enough to go through with the pregnancy as this will significantly change your life, your relationship with your current child, your finances etc. You might be able to shimmy in one baby into your current lifestyle but two - no chance. Things will certainly change.

I do pity this man, however. And far more so, his wife. Their relationship is probably not quite what either wants in an ideal world and they are tied together in their love for a disabled child who requires a huge amount of care

People keep missing the fact that he was having affairs before she conceived their son, a significant one in which he lied about his marriage, had to fess up when his wife conceived and chose to stay. His wife, having been informed by the other woman, also chose to stay (presumably not yet knowing their child would have significant disabilities.

He chose to cheat and then they both chose this type of marriage even before they had a child with disabilities.

How ridiculous that he had a pregnancy scare with his last affair though, he’s just playing with fire. He knows the consequences.

I missed that the first (that we know of) other woman had a pregnancy scare. You have to wonder if he keeps taking risks with contraception because he had some (perhaps not even conscious) urge to "prove" he can father a child without disabilities and his "legacy" not be just one child with significant issues.

You didn’t miss it.
There wasn’t a pregnancy scare with another affair partner.
There was previously an OW but he broke it off with her when his wife became pregnant.

regardless, it’s irrelevant and doesn’t help ops situation.
I’m sure op is a perfectly capable and intelligent woman that will do what is right for her, whether that be terminating or keeping, neither of which is wrong or shameful, but both difficult decisions in there own right.

Good luck with your decision op, it might be worth getting some anti sickness meds in the meantime as I’m sure the sickness won’t be helping you think!

it’s irrelevant and doesn’t help ops situation.

I would have thought it would be very relevant indeed in op getting her head around what he's done.

That he's essentially done it at least once before, without the pregnancy.... And he and his wife (before she even had their child) stuck together then too.

i.e. This father her kids might wonder about their while lives and perhaps even seek out when they're young adults ... Is not some one off mistake maker who was torn and could not leave his original family due to their circumstances etc.

He's a serial adulterer who was at it even better his child arrived.

You’re just making shit up and assuming now.

FWIW, I have no idea who my father is, my mother has no ounce of info either. I’m quite glad my mother didn’t terminate me just because I’ll never know who my father is.

OP isn’t making the decision based on whether this shit of a man is in her life or not. She knows that as it stands he’s not interested

Maybe the wife doesn't know about anything..and maybe he wrote it all and was lying to scare you off.

He knew that you would leave him alone.
Maybe they never separated.

She probably thinks he is a faithful loyal husband.

Yet I know kids who sought
their fathers out.

That's not "making shit up".

Are you this combative and rude in real life ..... You must piss people off and maybe get slapped a lot.

(I know you're probably not, you're one of the people who think being on an anonymous forum means you can speak to other people disrespectfully/aggressively and get away with it).

Also op, please learn to take personal responsibility and accountability for your actions and grow from these things.

The both of you got into this mess together.

You knew that he was married, without any proof or investigating you automatically believed him, and gave yourself to him.

Chances are you didn't protect yourself.

You should have left him alone.

You knew that he was married... regardless of what he said.

If you have these children, you are
Trying to stay connected with him forever by intentionally tying yourself to him.

You know that anytime he changes his mind he can file for joint custody and be granted it.

Anytime in life, he can decide he wants to be a part of their lives, and if the kids want him there if you're a good parent, you'll let him...

At anytime, when older, the kids can look him up or he can look up the kids contact them perhaps lie to them about you keeping them away from him, and they'll believe him and perhaps dislike you..

They'll believe him because they would have heard only one side of things their whole lives.

If you have these children, the other child is their sibling. What are you going to do about that??

I think you are still hoping for a chance with him because you may love him.
I think by having these children, you'll feel like you have a "forever" unlimited chances with him.

I don't think the wife knows and he has fabricated everything and is willing to give you "hush" money.

If she knows, he's a serial cheater and he's done this many times before....she just stays and tolerates it.

He's a serial cheater and knew his wife would stay...that's why he was carrying on with you so carelessly and reckless..

He wouldn't lose anything if caught.

Your self esteem isn't high or non existent.

Please learn to love yourself and raise your self esteem and self respect.

Perhaps therapy would be beneficial.

Whatever your choice is, learn and grow from it.

Could you be any more patronising & supercilious @Tidd?

You knew that he was married, without any proof or investigating you automatically believed him,
She visited his house.
She met his parents.
Should women hire a PI before embarking on romantic associations with men?

and gave yourself to him.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@tidd sure you ain’t his wife? 😂
I’m not rising to any of your bait, if you actually read my posts you would have answered half of those assumptions.

She did.

It doesn't say that she met his family or went over his house.

Knowing that his parents have a big house is not saying that she's been over there.

She's been looking at his social media pictures and posts for awhile

It saids their family and friends knew about them.

She probably told her family and friends.. and he probably lied and said he told his .

There's no way that she met anybody that he loved and cared about. They would have definitely told on him.. and blasted him to his wife .
They would have bashed him and probably shamed her.

The wife would have definitely been informed and would have definitely contacted op herself and made an appearance if his family and friends knew.

She said she had known of him for 5 years from work. They work closely together...she knew.

Separated is not divorced.

She knew that he was still married.

She knew all of this and ignored things.

It's not just his fault, it's hers too.

Op is victimizing herself. That doesn't any good on the path to improvement

It doesn't do any good to coddle and dismiss her behaviors..

She played a huge part in the way her life is right now.

In order to improve on our lives, self introspection and complete honesty is needed

Omg stop trying to blame the OP for this man’s lies!!!! Absolutely unreal.

@tidd you’ve clearly not read any of my previous posts 🙄

There's no way that she has been to his house, unless the two of them just didn't care who saw, who could catch them, and how recklessly they were behaving.

Also, op intentionally put her job at jeopardy (so did he)..

The both of them continuously put their jobs in jeopardy by staying.

Op or him is bound to get caught having an argument or causing a scene, and one or both get fired.

Especially now..

He's ignoring her, op is bound to explode because of hormones and anger soon..

They both did this to themselves.

He is a serial cheater and use to making the other women and possibly his other children background characters.

I think the only one who is going to get angry and explode is you.
No one’s job is at jeopardy. Neither of us will be having an argument or making a scene at work. I think you need to go lie down.

Whatever you are projecting from your own life, if any one needs therapy it’s you.

It's from what you wrote.

I read all your posts.

You knew that he was still married but proceeded anyways.

You even admitted to knowing about his wife.

You looked her up on social media.

His father told you he was married but the relationship was going through a rough patch.

You made these irresponsible choices for your life.

It's not just his fault.

Please learn how to make better choices for yourself and love yourself.

Please work on your self esteem issues.

Please work towards bettering your life and growing from these mistakes

Denial and not taking personal accountability and responsibility isn't going to help you improve your life.

Perhaps you would benefit from therapy.

That's not a digg... perhaps you and everyone else could.

Whatever your decisions are, improve your life

Best of luck

@Desertislanddreamer what an horrendous experience. You are obviously strong, capable and intelligent enough to know what’s best for you. I hope you find the answer you need.
For those dim wits on the thread, infidelity is rife in the legal profession and sorry ladies as a lawyer myself I’m afraid to say many of you would be very surprised by what doting husbands say to their female colleagues in the workplace. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had a mournful colleague tell me how terrible their marriage is or more bluntly how their wife doesn’t sleep with them any more. None of that is relevant to the OP as she was told by the man she was seeing that he was separated, his father, a partner in a firm, confirmed it and she had been to his home. Some women here need to take a serious look at themselves and what they allow men to get away with.
Best of luck OP, you’ll thrive whatever your decision.